Mountain Associates

Dare To Be Different

2012-01-18T08:42:00.000-08:00

If youhave an idea that you are excited and passionate about then listen to yourpassion. People follow people who arepassionate and if you want to be a leader then you need to take people with you– and passion can do that. Passion doesmean being prepared to be different though. How many people do you know that are passionate about the work that theydo, or the processes they are involved in? Few I bet.

Whenwe meet people who are passionate about life, what they do, other people, wetend to feel drawn toward them. Therefore if you have an idea, are a leader or manager and want to moveforward, then take people with you with your passion – albeit passion withpositive processes and strategic thinking.

It isoften too easy to be put off by our own negative thinking, for example: “This will never happen to someone like me”,or “If that worked then something awful will follow” or “Who am I to think Ican……..” It will be all too easy to findthose who act as the discouraging committee, instead, find people who will bethe encouraging committee and go for it.

If youare someone who believes they have too much to lose by going out on a limb thenthink about how you can minimise those risks and what strategies you canuse. Simple things are often thebest. Anything is possible if we thinkpositively and move forward. Afterall ittook 178 attempts before Eddison developed the light bulb, and he is known forsaying that he found 178 ways for the light not to work! With a positive frame of mind and his passionhe continued and was successful. Thesame goes today for those who are determined to do things differently, whetherat work or in their personal lives. Inthe work place others may be doing things they way they have always been done,leading the organization to at best stagnate and at worst to decline. Do things differently, find people with whomyou can check out your ideas and go for it.

Let usknow what you have done that was different and how this led to success. Inspireothers and comment below.

For coaching, consultancy andtraining contact Mountain Associates and see how we can support you and yourworkforce. Our guest workshop on 19April is Managing Emotions in the Workplace with Olivier Montadat, go to our websitefor further details: www.mountain-associates.co.uk/orgta_topicsDownload a free chapter and buy our book Working Together:www.mountain-associates.co.uk

Lifting Your Limits in 2012*

2011-12-19T04:00:00.000-08:00

Mostof us never achieve our true potential because we have self-limiting beliefswhich we treat as a fact. These beliefsthen influence the way we relate with others and the work we do and the way wedo it. We may have had dreams and ideasabout what we would like to do but think that “people like us” can’t do thingslike “that”.

Thesebeliefs will affect our leadership styles, how we work with other people andhow we express our opinions – or not as the case might be.

Check outwhat you believe about yourself, others and life:

Ø Haveyou been acting as if these are facts when they are really beliefs?

Ø Whateffect has this been having on your life, including the job you do, and how youdo it, the relationships you have and how you are within those?

Ø Whatwill you believe instead?

Ø Whatdifference will this make in your life?

Ø Whatdo you need to do to reinforce this new belief?

Ø Fromwhom do you need support?

Ø Whenwill you ask them for this support?

Ø Whatwill you do if you forget and go down the old pathway?

Ø Whatwill you do to reinforce this new belief?

Ø Howwill you know when this new belief is really cemented in?

Ø Howwill you celebrate your changes?

Enjoy2012 and think big, because we all need to shoot for the stars so that even ifwe miss we’ll get the moon! Put out yourintention and lift your limits*.

*LiftingYour Limits is a programme created by four of us, two consultant clinicalpsychologists and two Transactional Analysts. To enquire about this course contact: ta@mountain-associates.co.uk In the meantime read out book: Working Together, OrganizationalTransactional Analysis and Business Performance, published by Gower andavailable from them as well as Amazon. Or come on our next OfficialIntroducation to TA.

Stress - whose responsibility?

2011-11-17T07:28:00.001-08:00

Stress can be very invasive and if you arenot in tune with early warning signs of stress you can often feel as if it hascrept up on you. How you deal with stress is due to historical and habitualresponses. Responses differ as a consequence of different cultures,experiences, beliefs and personalities. For example, if in a crisis, a reportneeds to be produced within a day, you might see this as a challenge or you maybecome stressed by it. You could be someone who enjoys managing twenty staff orbe someone who prefers to work at home alone. Ensuring the right person is inthe right job acts as a protection for both the organization and theindividual.

When stressed you are likely to react inone or more of the following ways:

· make more mistakes

· prefer solitude

· want to go further and furtherwith the challenges, raising your stress levels ever higher

· need to be right

· become over–controlling

· believe there is somethingwrong with you

Resilience is a keyfactor in stress prevention. Resilience is the ability to recover despiteperiodical setbacks and problems. Highly resilient people know how to bounceback and find a way to have things turn out well.

Stress can be eased through the ability tomake good relationships because then you are likely to believe that you are OKand others are also OK. If you have difficulty in forming relationships you arelikely to believe that either, you are not OK and others are better than you,or that you are better than others. Believing that everyone is OK offers asecure base from which to operate. When this happens attachment to your teamand to the organization is likely to increase. One outcome of this is that youwill be able to appropriately say ‘No’ to things whilst still keeping yourselfand others OK.

All organizations need to take account of the organizational culture, leadership styles and the current pressures being faced by leaders and shop floor workers alike. It is not only the individual who is responsible for their own stress but so too is the organization. If a manager's leadership style is brusque and aggressive this will inevitably have an effect on the workforce. Good management entails effectivesupervision which in turn entails noticing when someone is on overload anddoing something about it.

One of the causes of stress on people isthe need to multi–task. Administrators and secretarial staff have to do this alot – be it writing a report, answering a query when someone comes to theiroffice or answering the phone. Whilst this is an accepted pressure foradministrators it does not mean that it is necessarily any easier for them thanfor others. The western world tends to see multi–tasking as good, hence thecomments about women being able to do it well, whereas men are often seen aslacking this ability. Whether or not this is a fallacy it does highlight thatfact that multi–tasking is valued. Getting your life in balance probably meansdoing less multi–tasking and becoming more focused.

For more on managing yourself and othersthen buy our book: Working Together,Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, Gower, 2011,also available from Amazon. You can alsoattend our Advanced Communication Skills, Level 1, (incorporating the OfficialIntroduction to Transactional Analysis) later this month but you can registerfor our next one in February, 2012. Goto our website: http://courses.mountain-associates.co.uk/ta101.html

That's going too far!

2011-10-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

I was recently at a seminar where the trainer talked abouthow to get on with a client. One examplegiven related to visiting a client organization and when the person you are seeingasks if you would like a drink then you are advised to check what they arehaving and have the same. He went on tosay that if you don’t do this you won’t get the work with the organization.

From a Transactional Analysis perspective this is not ahelpful suggestion. By asking what theclient is drinking makes it look like you don’t have your own thoughts (or eventaste buds!). This means that you couldbe experienced as being willing to please them and if they do commission you they may, albeit subconsciously, bedoing so because you will adapt to them.

If I ask what someone would like to drink I expect them totake responsibility for saying what they would like. If, in the example given, the client expectsyou to adapt to them then I would suggest that you don’t work for them. This matching approach might be experienced bysome as good practice but for TA people it reinforces passive behaviour.

Matching in terms of the words we use and the pace in whichwe talk is one thing, but matching in terms of likes and dislikes is certainlyanother - for me that's going too far.

People buy from people and, at some point if you try toover-adapt it can (a) reinforce your belief that you are not as important assomeone else and should not have your own thoughts or (b) you will not be ableto maintain this style and then the relationship will break down as it wasdeveloped on a false premise or (c) it sends a signal to the client that you areready to be “pleasing” and put your own needs to one side.

The motto here is “Be Yourself”. Use your relationship and communicationsskills, and learn techniques for improving these, but balance this withlistening to yourself as well.

Buy our book “Working Together, Organization TransactionalAnalysis and Business Performance”, published by Gower. Go to our website for a free chapter and thelinks to Gower and Amazon: www.mountain-associates.co.uk

If you are looking for a keynote speaker then give us a callright now and let’s see if Anita Mountain is a match foryour needs.

Be Yourself

2011-09-07T09:30:00.000-07:00

Many of the people I coach come because they experience difficulties in relating to others, or to specific kinds of people. Mostly the issue is us - our attitude, our frame of reference about ourselves, others and life. Even if other people are experienced as "difficult" by a range of other people it is still up to us how we respond. If we believe that we are as good as anyone else then, even when under stress, we can find ways to keep ourselves okay. For example, there are often people whose only way of feeling okay is to put someone else down and attempt to sabotage any progress or success others are having. If we lose our grip at these times then we are likely to spiral downwards.

In order to deal with sabotaging behaviour, negativity and put-downs you need to talk to yourself positively. If you don't have sufficient strength in your Structuring Modes of behaviour (see our website on OK Modes to understand this further) then consider what someone else you respect might say. This will help you to stay Mindful (in the present moment) and take the appropriate steps. If you need to relate with this person then how you respond will be different to if you don't. If you should fall into the hole of making yourself not OK then you are giving your power away and agreeing with the other person's manipulative behaviour. Remaining in the here-and-now means that you will have more thinking available and there are ways in which you can deal with people that keep them okay but also set and maintain boundaries. This will also be of assistance to keep yourself feeling okay, despite the difficulties you are experiencing.

For more information on working with others, including issues of bullying, conflict and stress, then buy our book "Working Together: Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance" published by Gower and also available on Amazon. Free downloadable chapter available on our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk

If you resonate with this blog and are ready to overcome workplace challenges and create a breakthrough in your work environment, I would love to support you. Contact me now for your complimentary Workplace Breakthrough coaching session: +44 (0) 1455 824475; or email us: ta@mountain-associates.co.uk Talk to you soon.

Key Leadership Functions

2011-07-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

A recent article by J. Moore in The Independent was entitled “Why MBAs will have to adapt to survive” (June 23, 2011). In that article Moore quoted Guerra who apparently advised you young people to plan to have multiple careers, expect to be made redundant, and brace themselves for personal and economic crises. This is hardly an inspiring message to those coming into the world of work. We also need to consider what impact this type of world has, and will have, on employers, not just employees? What will they need to do to support their workforce?

One of a leader’s key functions is to enable the development of sense of belonging, without which there will be little trust and more energy will be expended on defensiveness and conflict, which in turn will effect productivity. To develop belonging leaders will need to ensure that they know how to get their message across, communicating clearly and in a way that is accepting of those they work with. Leaders will need to develop strategies that are in line with the organization’s purpose and identity and at the same time take account of the individual.

However, developing a sense of belonging may be difficult when the frame of reference may well be “What’s the point, I may be out of here pretty soon”. Those people who come from this position may well end up lacking connection and therefore trust. Instead we need to find ways to make connection with, and between individuals, and to offer positive recognition for being and doing. We need to start from strengths and be prepared to encourage the workforce to develop and hone their skills so that they are valued within the market place. In addition to all this we will need to develop resiliency and find ways to reinvent ourselves, and we can only do this if we value and like ourselves. If not, when difficulties arise it will be all too easy to get into blaming self and/or others and from here the shift to a positive frame of reference is harder to achieve.

One way to stay positive is to find out what you want, not just at the conscious level, but at the unconscious level. What are you allowed to have, what do you really want, do these two conflict? What do you believe about yourself and others? Is this positive? Does this way of thinking help you? Does it get you what you need, including real and valued relationships? There are many other questions that could go here but this blog is not the place. If you would like to explore your fundamental goals and find ways to develop and maintain your resilience then do get in contact.

Our book Working Together: Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, is now published by Gower and receiving positive responses. For a sample chapter go to: www.mountain-associates.co.uk. For coaching and in-house training contact ta@mountain-associates.co.uk or call us now on 01455 824475.

What Underpins your Life?

2011-06-21T05:32:00.000-07:00

When we first meet someone we can get a sense of their frame of reference on life. This may not be at an overt level but we may sense it. I’m sure you’ve met people who come across as if they have to get in first before you outdo them. They come across as Mr or Ms Angry. Then there are other people whose starting point is that they are not good enough so tend to be backward in coming forward, and believe they are helpless, whilst others believe no-one is any good and that life is hopeless.

These beliefs and frames of reference are not necessarily verbally transmitted (though of course this will also happen). It may just be that we meet each other and there is a way in which we and they hold ourselves, greet the other person, look in a particular way, that may indicate our underpinning view of self, others and life.

Unlike with buildings, this “underpinning” can be the cause of poor communication and therefore poor relationships. Get this sorted and many other things fall into place. As soon as we start to believe we’re as good as anyone else then we will be willing and able to meet people on an equal basis. Believing we are better or worse than others is just that, a belief but we often act as if it is a fact. Thank goodness that beliefs can be changed.

This all links with the concept of OKness in Transactional Analysis, so take a look at our website to see what this is all about: www.mountain-associates.co.uk – or buy our book: Working Together, Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, published by Gower on 22 June, 2011.

So set to and sort out those outdated beliefs.

If you want support to change then contact us for coaching, training and consultancy: 01455 824475 or ta@mountain-associates.co.uk

Avoiding Game Playing

2011-06-03T08:55:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know that in Transactional Analysis a definition of a “game” is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome. In other words you will be able to describe a game by saying when they do ………., I do ……….., then they do………….then ………happens and I end up feeling ………. (of course, you might have initiated the transactions). So by the end of the game you might find yourself saying something like “Why does this always happen to me?”, or “How did that happen again?”

When someone else initiates a game one way to keep out of it is to notice the discount. Every game starts with a discount. To discount something is to ignore or deny some aspect of reality, this is done outside our awareness. For example, someone might say something and there appear to be two messages going on – one at the social, or surface level and the other at the ulterior, or psychological level. Here’s what someone may say: “Where is that report you said you would do by today?” On the surface it sounds like just a factual question, but add in a tone that says you are late with this, then the whole thing sounds and feels totally different.

When face to face, it is often easier to notice these two levels as the content and the tone of voice are not congruent. However, how do you pick this up in an email? One way is to look for a communication that hints at something else other than what is in the content. Here are some ideas of questions to ask yourself:

• Is the other person clear about what they want?
• Do they have any right to make this request or demand?
• Do they ignore or deny some aspect of reality? In other words are they putting you, someone else, the situation or themselves down?
• How do I feel about what they are saying?
• Does the tone of the communication remind me of anything or anyone from my past?
• If so, how will I unhook myself from the past situation and/or person so that I can respond in a mindful, here and now way?
• Do I have a sense that there is something or someone else behind the surface-level communication with this person?
• What is the outcome I want?
• Have they stated the final outcome they want?
• Do I feel I’m in a monologue rather than a dialogue?

If you are unclear about any of these questions then you need to be more considered in your response and seek clarification from the other person or people. You might ask them for clarification of a point for example, or check what their interest might be in what you are doing, saying etc. so that you find out the intention behind their actions. In other words get the contract clear so that you will all know when you have agreed the end point and the actions necessary to achieve this outcome.

There are many other aspects to avoiding game playing but I thought it would be helpful to outline ways to spot a discounting process. Just taking the time out to ask yourself these questions will slow down the process and give you time to make a more considered response that is more likely to avoid getting into a game. All of which is likely to lead you to a happier more contented working life.

Happy discount spotting!

Let us know about discounts that you have been involved in and what you did to get straight communication. Please be respectful to others and keep them OK in the process as we play games outside of our awareness. It's always best to talk about your own discount or talk generally without naming, shaming or blaming others.

Find out more about how to improve relationships and communication with others and buy our book: Working Together: Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, to be published by Gower in July, or come on our next Advance Communication Skills, level 1 (incorporating The Official Introduction to TA) on 14-16 June and again on 22-24 November, 2011. For more details go to our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk

Challenge or Shame and Ridicule?

2011-04-19T07:44:00.000-07:00

I was recently at a seminar where a particular approach to interventions with our coaching clients was the theme. In teaching us this approach the facilitator consistently undertook interventions with the audience to illuminate what she meant. However, at least some of the participants there, including me, were hoping that the facilitator did not “pick on” them as they did not wish to be ridiculed or their comments twisted round. Not a good outcome!

So, what is the difference between challenging interventions that enable the person or people to develop and interventions that invite over-adaptation and are persecutory? To me the answer is that challenge is not a “theme” or an “approach” but a designed intervention geared to the person we are interacting with.

Berne wrote about:
•Interrogation e.g. “Did you actually steal the money?”;
•Specification e.g. “So, what you are saying is…………..”;
•Confrontation e.g. highlighting a discrepancy between what is being said “ Just before you said …. Now you are saying………. What is your thinking about this?”;
•Explanation e.g.”It seems that when you move out of being here and now you stop thinking”;
•Illustration e.g. an anecdote or simile that follows a successful confrontation for the purpose of reinforcing the confrontation and softening it.
•Confirmation e.g. “I understand you to be saying……., is that right?”;
•Interpretation e.g. “I understand the sense of what you are saying as….”;
•Crystalization e.g.”So you are now in a position to stop playing that game if you choose to”. (Berne E, 1966, p233-25)

I would also add Challenge to that list and to challenge with humour - but at the right time for the client and still remain OK/OK with them.

As you can see from the synopsis, each of the interventions has their own rationale and aim. This means that we need to design the intervention for the person, the issue and the context, as well as ensure that it is related to the contract. It is also imperative that we remain OK/OK in any transaction because, if not, we invite over-compliance or rebellion. If those we train, coach, or relate with, disagree with our interventions it is also important to be aware and sufficiently humble to recognise that the issue might be with us and/or the approach, rather than with the other person.

Whilst this may all sound difficult or contrived it is important to be professional, know we have options and use these options mindfully for the good of the other person.

This does not mean that we stop provocative interventions but that we carefully consider their use and, if they don’t work, not blame the other person e.g. “It’s that you’re too up-tight” or “You’re not ready for this”, implying that we are so evolved and the other is not.

If we keep all our transactions OK/OK and be with the other person in the now, rather than using one approach that may not fit everyone, all is likely to be well.

Leave us your comments below.

Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 14-16 June, 2011. We also have a one-day workshop by a French guest trainer entitled Rapid Diagnosis of Organizations on 14 July. The next academic year’s list of workshops is now up-loaded to our website. For all this information and more go to: www.mountain-associates.co.uk and either click on the Organizational TA Box or go to the drop-down tabs along the top and click on TA Courses.
Our up-coming book “Working Together: Organizational TA and Business Performance will be out in July 2011, so keep an eye on our website for further information or register on the site and we’ll keep you informed.

Ethics in Business

2011-03-22T04:53:00.000-07:00

I was just asked to write a response to an article about ethics in business and then on the ITOL LinkedIn discussion group the issue of ethics came up again.

To consider ethics and ethical behaviour we also need to consider integrity and good practice. Good practice is based on beliefs, values and opinions, from which ethical behaviour stems. When we consider ethics within business we need to consider the organization’s culture as this will set the standards for decision making. In this context the written and unwritten codes will influence the organizations decisions and actions.

Beliefs are often unconscious patterned thinking processes and may, therefore, be hard to identify. Our beliefs will affect how we behave, and are part of our identity, therefore changing either our beliefs, or how we view ourselves, will affect our actions. This will include who we work with and how we work with them and whether our behaviour is ethical or unethical.

Most commonly ethics are considered in terms of dilemmas. For example, let’s take a real situation where the director of a charity that rescued children in war torn areas was approached by an arms dealer who offered to rescue some stranded children that no one else had been able to reach. However, the dealer would not rescue the adults who were with them. The charity's director had to make a very quick decision with no time to consult. In order to make this decision he looked at the organization’s core aims, its mission and purpose and decided that he would cooperate with the arms dealers as it was either the children or no one at that particular point. He subsequently wrote to the charity’s stakeholders and explained his dilemma and offered to resign should a substantial number of them disagree with his decision. They did in fact support him. (Leigh, 2009).

When someone has to make an ethical decision we have to consider the nature of the organization. To do this I have integrated Ernst’s OK Corral (1971) with Wickens (1995) with Krausz (1993). In summary we need to explore whether the organization is:

• I'm OK, You're Not OK, Anarchic, (Wickens), autocratic, paternalistic management style, competitive stressed organizational climate with unilateral problem solving, (Krausz). In this type of organization the workforce are less likely to take responsibility for their actions and there is less willingness to report ethical issues.

• I'm Not OK, You're OK, Alienated (Wickens), ambiguous management style, anxious, insecure climate, with reactive problem solving (Krausz). In this type of organization the workforce already feel alienated and any ethical boundary crossing only serves to further this alienation.

• I'm Not OK, You're Not OK, Apathetic, (Wickens) Laissez-faire, alienated management style, the organizational climate is apathetic and passive, with no problem solving (Krausz). People are unwilling to address ethical issues and, if others cross the ethical line this only serves to reinforce the apathy.

• I'm OK and You're OK, Ascendant (Wickens), democratic, participative management style (Krausz), the organizational climate is motivated, respectful and creative. Ethical problem solving processes are the norm.

Whilst there are individual 360° programmes within organizations there is also a need for an organization to give itself a 360° feedback process, taking comments from the workforce on a regular basis. In this way there are more likely to be opportunities for change in the culture so that people feel valued and supported, with clear boundaries and contracting processes in place. This is then more likely to lead to ethically congruent behaviour.

What do you think? Are ethics important in organizations? How do we compromise our own ethics when we work for organizations that are not a "fit" for us? Are we more or less likely to be stressed when we ignore or deny the mismatch between our own and the organizational ethics? Are ethics a luxury in today's world?

References: Leigh A. (2009), How Good is Your Integrity Compass? http://www.hrzone.co.uk/blogs/andrewl/straight-talking-andrew-leigh-maynard-leigh-associates/how-good-your-integrity-compass, accessed 2.3.2011
Krausz R. (1980), TA and Management Effectiveness, Transactional Analysis Journal, 10:1, 21-24
Wickens P. (1995), The Ascendant Organisation, Macmillan Business

To learn more about Organizational Transactional Analysis come on our Official Introduction to TA course on 14-16 June, or buy our upcoming book: Working Together: Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, to be published by Gower in July, 2011. Contact us for an informal chat about your own or your organization's coaching or training needs. +44 (0) 1455 824475, www.mountain-associates.co.uk

We All Have The Ability To Think

2011-02-17T06:21:00.000-08:00

Organizations are susceptible to ‘groupthink’ which will influence the consideration of values. Groupthink was a term coined by Janis (1972) when he identified that in some groups people do not consider alternatives, thereby placing limits on decision making. In such groups, he argued, there is pressure for everyone to agree with each other. This might mean that individuals are conflict–avoiding rather than conflict–resolving (Scott Peck, 1987). When people are conflict–avoiding it means that the preservation of superficial harmony is given precedence over critical evaluation of ideas and values. This in turn might mean that an option is given the go–ahead even though the outcome might be the exploitation of others (for instance the use of
child labour to produce garments for the clothing industry).

The value base of an organization runs through all aspects, from the product or service being offered to marketing, accounting and management style. These in turn affect the loyalty, honesty and integrity of the employees. For example, an employee may be dismissed or have legal action taken against them for stealing. The other employees will take note of this and recognize that boundaries have been created and reinforced. These actions need to be congruent throughout the organization so that when a Director has been dishonest and it is sufficiently serious, they do not get a ‘golden handshake’, but instead are similarly dismissed. This will engender a sense of fairness amongst the workforce and loyalty and commitment will be maintained.

Do you have examples where there was a beneficial outcome when an individual used their power to make a difference and went against group think? Do you have a positive experience to share when a group or team moved from being conflict- avoiding to conflict-resolving, with a positive outcome for all? Write a comment and share your experiences.

If you are interested in learning more about building effective relationships then come to our next Advanced Communication Skills, level 1, (Incorporating the Official Introducation to TA), on 8-10 March 2011. Or, for further information contact: Mountain Associates, www.mountain-associates.co.uk

Sunrise, Sunset

2011-01-24T02:54:00.000-08:00

The sun has well and truly set on 2010 and we are now into 2011 with its threats and promises regarding restructuring of many of our structures and systems here in the UK. Many people are being “encouraged” to look for work, whilst thousands are being laid off. However, amongst all these real difficulties and a likely increase in the “working poor” there are also many stories of people who have gone to the assistance of others and a sense of connectedness has developed. This is one of the consequences of a difficult time that has had a positive spin off for a sense of community. This is not to minimise the difficulties being experienced by people but to look for the nugget to come out of the awfulness of it all. Therefore, one of the things that has happened during the financial recession is that many people appear to have been pulling together, hopefully leading to fewer people being ready to judge others. For example, last year many dug others out of snow, checked whether the elderly or frail needed assistance and generally kept an eye open for others needs instead of just our own, we began to show our care and/or accepted being cared about. If there is anything to learn from the various difficulties of 2010 it is that we are not just a collection of individuals we are a society, and need each others support.

Therefore, as the sun has risen on 2011:

• What will you do to move on from your situation, to support others or even say “goodbye” in healthy ways?
• How will you ensure that in 2011 you take care of yourself before, even if as well as, others? Without this you will not have the energy and willingness to be there for others.
• What will you do to reach out to others and ask for support if and when you need it?

We wish you a year of community, connection and belonging.

Do you have difficulties with relationships at work? Do you find your workforce saying inappropriate things to others? Is there low morale and motivation in the workplace? If so, contact Mountain Associates and see if what we have to offer is a good match for your needs. www.mountain-associates.co.uk - Enabling you to find solutions.

If you would like further information about our upcoming book, Working Together, to be published by Gower in June/July, 2011, then register on our site so that we can let you know the date of publication

Constructs and communication

2010-11-24T08:29:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I was at an Association For Coaching regional meeting. These are great opportunities for continuous professional development as the quality of input and the relationship with others is excellent.

During discussions in my small group, we - yet again - debated the boundary between therapy and coaching. This came about because we were trialing a questionnaire by Roger Clare which outlined a range of dilemmas and we had to choose between three answers. Someone else in my group answered differently to me on a number of questions, including this one and yet, when we discussed our views, they were similar.

As a psychotherapist my understanding of psychotherapy is more than likely to be different to someone who is not a psychotherapist and, had we not discussed our frames of reference we could have believed we disagreed, when in fact we agreed.

For me this outlined how easy it is to believe that we hold differing views from someone but, when we take the time to listen we may find we believe the same thing. What makes the difference is our construct of the words in question and our frame of reference.

Whilst this discussion was about therapy and coaching we could have been talking about anything. Therefore we need to remember to go back to basics even if it seems we might be being pedantic. By checking we all have the same understanding of a word or phrase we can save so much time and emotion and really meet people, rather than assume what they mean and focus on our differences.

Have there been times when you have been discussing your different views with someone, and maybe even getting into conflict about it, only to find that you think the same way? Feel free to send in your examples for others to learn from.

Have a good week.

Mountain Associates website will soon be changing. We will have separate areas for our in-house training, our Developmental/Organizational Institute and our Coaching 4C. Keep an eye on the website for the new developments which we hope will make your access clearer and easier.

Expectations

2010-10-24T02:28:00.000-07:00

We have just come back from working in Armenia where we were teaching Transactional Analysis and its application. During one of the discussions the issue of expectations came up and there was a view that if we expect too much then we will be disappointed and therefore we need to keep our expectations low. At this point the room seemed split between those who agreed and those who did not agree.

Of course, some of this may be cultural and, as most of the participants were women this too might be understandable. However, if we keep our expectations low we will never have the opportunity to feel fulfilled and will be working within an over-adaptive frame of reference. This in itself can then lead to resentment. Why go for second best? Whether we believe we will achieve a goal, or whether we don’t, going for it means that we’ll have a good journey, learn a great deal, and develop and grow. Further, with the attitude that something is possible we will be living a happy life in a positive frame of mind. Then, whether we achieve our goal, or whether we don’t, we’ve had a good time and enjoyed the journey, with positive spin-offs for those around us too.

Just think, if everyone lowered their expectations we would have no electricity, aeroplanes, mobiles, computers etc. etc. etc. So, if we start to think “There’s no point, things like that (whatever that is) don’t happen for people like me” we’ll be right – because whatever we focus our attention on grows greater in our life – and that doesn’t mean only the positive things!

I realise that in today’s current financial crisis things are tough to say the least. Some of you may be losing your jobs, houses, or having to work harder because others around you have lost their jobs, however, how does being angry, withdrawn, resentful help? Instead we need to be creative, think, feel and take action toward our goals. At these times we need our friends for support and need to reach out and ask. This is a time for community and creativity. This increases our positive energy which is better for our health and well being.

Don’t go for second best because that says you are only worth second best, go for first best – you’re worth it. “Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss you’ll get the stars”.

Have a great journey.

Mountain Associates offer in-house training and consultancy. Our Organizational Training Institute offers open workshops on Transactional Analysis, our next Official Introduction to TA is on 3-5 November, with another one in January, 2011, and our Organizational TA programme is going strong. We also have a coaching arm called Coaching 4C so do get in touch if you would like to talk about group or individual coaching.

How Come I'm Here Again?

2010-09-20T08:37:00.000-07:00

The other day I was talking to a friend, Sally, who was telling me about a conversation she had with a potential mentor. During the meeting the supervisor asked Sally, a number of questions which were not relevant to the discussion and appeared to be more about their own curiosity. For example, “Have you approached X or Y to be a mentor?” This question was not relevant to their meeting and whilst it might have been disguised as “I’m only trying to help you” could have led to difficulties as Sally was then invited to discuss other possibilities and therefore other people, which in turn could have led to making other people not OK. As Sally is advanced in her field, and has lived in the area for some time, it is clear that she would know other mentors within her specialism. The only relevant issue in this particular situation was whether this proposed mentor and Sally could get on and would choose to work together

So what was going on? Who knows really? Without asking the proposed mentor that question we may never know. However, it could be that they needed strokes for who they were or what they did and one way to illicit this without asking directly, was to check out who else had Sally thought of approaching and why didn't they go with someone else. They might of course, also had a low opinion of themselves and wanted to check out if they were the only person who would consider taking this person on! However, ther rationale behind the questions is less relevant than what to do about it.

When someone asks you a question that you are not sure about and which does not appear to be relevant, you can respond with questions such as “What is your interest in this?”, or “How is this helpful for this discussion?” (said from the Accounting Mode of behaviour – see our website for further explanation of this model). If there is a clear here-and-now reason for the other person’s statements or questions then their answer will illuminate their thinking and you can proceed to answer or not, as is appropriate.

When we discount (ignore or deny) some aspect of reality we are, outside of our awareness, inviting others into a game. A game in Transactional Analysis terms is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome. This is that sort of process whereby we say things like: “Why does this always happen to me?”, or “I was only trying to help” etc.

We play games for a variety of reasons: to give us something to talk about; because we want strokes (recognition) for who we are and/or what we do; as a failed attempt at intimacy; to reinforce our frame of reference about ourselves, others and life. Unfortunately there is usually a negative pay-off at the end and we can be left asking "How come I'm here again?"

In order to avoid initiating or getting into game playing with others we first of all need to spot the discount in the opening statement and respond appropriately from Accounting Mode - see our website for an explanation of this model. If we are considering asking someone a question, or making a statement about ourselves or others, over which we may have a slight sense of unease, then we need to ask ourselves “for whom is this relevant?” Clarifying this question is a helpful part of any discussion. This is particularly important when coaching, counselling or mentoring someone.

This is only one aspect of game playing but we do need to pay attention to our own, or others opening statements and questions. For those who get into playing games quite frequently it is also important to consider how you might obtain your strokes if you are not involved in playing games.

Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 3-5 November, 2010. The Institute of Developmental TA has their next one-day conference on 30 October, see their website for further information www.instdta.org .

Selling Yourself, Without Selling Your Soul

2010-08-07T02:22:00.000-07:00

fcJust before we fly off to Montreal and a Transactional Analysis Conference and then a holiday, I thought I would write this August blog a bit early. I wanted to ensure that there was one and I know that I would not do it whilst I was away.

With all the pressures on people regarding work these days – increased redundancies, bankruptcies, shorter working hours etc. I have been considering how far do you go to ensure you: keep your job; get more work if you’re freelance; and find work if you’re unemployed?

Finding ways to manage your value base, your philosophy and your income may seem incompatible but we all need to find ways to be congruent as this is one way to ensure inner peace and be comfortable with ourselves and our situation.

Could you for instance work for a tobacco company, or even a people trafficking set-up? However far fetched the latter may seem just consider where your boundary would be. What is the cost of getting a roof over your head and food on the table? Too often women are rebuked and looked down on if they become a street worker/prostitute, but do we know what their situation is? You could assume low self-esteem but it could be that they are putting their children first and their own self worth last. This is not to condone it but we need to understand the circumstances that lead to these downward spirals so that we avoid “prostituting” ourselves in times of financial crisis.

Over the last 30 years there has been a breaking down of community and yet today with the ecological and the financial crises we are seeing the emergence of a new wave of community spirit. There are organizations like Avaaz, Transitions, Village Action Groups as well as young people who pass on children’s clothes, share entertainment with each other and support each other without any formal groups being set up. Things are changing and we can re-establish trust and community. What is your part in this? What one thing can you do today that says “I’m here and want to know you”? This doesn’t have to be “pink and fluffy” - just a human to human interaction that makes life so much more rewarding.

So, do one thing today that breaks you free of your old ways of doing something and celebrate your shift.

Contact Mountain Associates to find ways that you can break out of your “script” and put a new show on the road - whether that be a new organizational culture or your own individual way of being. Lift Your Limits © and contact us today: ta@mountain-associates.co.uk or go to our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk

Working with Integrity

2010-07-21T06:28:00.000-07:00

The other day I was discussing the issue of integrity with another consultant/coach. This was stimulated by the ILM’s recently completed a report on trust and leadership within the UK. They conclude that integrity is the foundation of trust and it grows in importance with seniority. The development of integrity “requires a high degree of self-critical reflection and honesty, the ability to see beyond your immediate circle, to recognise and reject acolytes and yes-men, to understand that how you see yourself is not necessarily how others see you”. (Campbell S. 2009)

In management and organizational literature ethical behaviour tends to refer to the values an organization may hold, but not how these translate into action. This may be partly due to the fact that consultants, and those working in organizations, come from a variety of educational and professional backgrounds where these may not have been considered.

For example, if an organization’s mission statement is “We value people”, how will that organization find ways of demonstrating this? What are the implications for that organization when this is not demonstrated?

The belief system is an important part of Transactional Analysis. There are many people who know the theoretical concepts but do not put the underpinning philosophy into practice, begging the question whether or not this is “real” TA.

Beliefs are often unconscious patterned thinking processes and may, therefore, be hard to identify. Beliefs can be about the meaning of something, the cause, or about identity. The need to make meaning, find causes or maintain our identity, guide our beliefs, whether or not they are “facts” we may act as though they are.

Our beliefs will effect how we behave, and our beliefs are part of our identity. Changing either our beliefs, or how we view ourselves, will affect our actions. This will include who we work with and how we work with them.

Organizations which have alignment of shared values increase employee commitment, confidence and achievement.

Codes of Ethics

All TA member organizations have Codes of Ethics and Professional Practice Guidelines to which we must adhere. This offers clients a measure of protection. However, it is also important to develop our own awareness about our own ethical principles.

Awareness of three cornered contracting (English, 1975) is necessary as consultants have contracts with the commissioning agent as well as course participants. It is these relationships which can create ambiguity. For an organizational consultant/coach relationships are often complex, which has implications for contracting and boundary setting. It is therefore “........vitally important that the consultant have clear, conscious, and consistent ethical standards” (Garfield, 1993).

In any given situation we need to ask ourselves ethical questions including:

 What is the context?
 What is my contract here?
 How do I ensure I do not take advantage of any power position I might have here?
 What is ethical here?
 Does my gender and sexual orientation make a difference to whether this is ethical or not?
 Does being from the same, or different, nationality make a difference to whether my actions are ethical or not ethical in this situation.
 Does it make a difference that I am external/internal to the organization?
 Does the status of the person/people with whom I am involved in this situation make a difference?
 What assumptions or rationalizations about the situation might I be making which prevent good practice?
 Am I focussing on the health and positive strengths of individuals and the organization?
 Am I respecting the person’s position in the organization?

If you would like information on our various Organizational Transactional Analysis open workshops, our supervision and supervision of coaches, or coaching itself as well as our in-house training then contact us through the website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk or give us a call on +44 (0)1455 824475. The next Official Introduction to TA is on 7-9 September, 2010 and the Institute of Developmental TA one-day conference is on 30 October : www.instdta.org

Walk Your Life

2010-06-18T05:26:00.000-07:00

I was watching a programme on television which concerned the Rarámuri tribe in Mexico. They live on a high plateau 7.5 thousand metres above sea level with little interaction with those from the larger towns and cities. The programme was a profound example about how simplicity in living offers such a depth of insight that is often lost in our busy Western lives.

In the west we seem to value workaholic lifestyle and “go getting” which can often cloud what we really need to be doing. Instead we race around, often stressed and agitated about what’s not been done, or what we’ve got to do, rather than being in the moment. This means that we are getting to lose now, unlike the Rarámuri who live very much in the present. They have very little in terms of acquisitions and sometimes go hungry but yet have such spirit and existential trust. They support and care for each other and live with, rather than on the land.

One of the key members of the tribe in the programme advised the woman from the UK to “Walk your life”. For me this was the whole key to the Rarámuri’s way of living and is something most of us find difficulty in doing.

This philosophy “to walk your life” fits with the concept in Transactional Analysis that we call Physis. Physis is Greek and means the thrust of life itself.

 Do you “Walk Your Life”?
 What does this phrase mean for you?
 What would life be liked if you really walked it?
 How would your life change?
 How would you change?

My wish for you is that you “Walk Your Life”.

For coaching, coaching supervision, trainining and consultancy contact Mountain Associates: www.mountain-associates.co.uk Our next Official Introduction to TA is on 7-9 September, 2010Book now and find out how to get closer to living your life today rather than for the past.

Self-Limiting Actions

2010-05-26T02:48:00.000-07:00

I was sitting having a coffee with a friend the other day and we started talking about relationships at work. She was commissioned to undertake a project with a small family-run business and yet the owner/MD was not acting on her advice. On further discussion it transpired that she acted differently with the MD and felt like a child, in the way she had done with her father. She also thought that the consultants should not take the money from clients but should let her do it on the reception desk when she was in the building.

My friend had not realised that she was inviting the owner to discount her. She acted “small” around him and then sat at reception taking money – which was not what she was being commissioned to do, which again gave her power away.

There are many ways in which we can give our power away and we need to be alert to how we can do this. Above are two ways in which my friend did it – how do you give your power away?

Contact us if you would like to find out how to do things differently in your life.

Mountain Associates coach, consult and also facilitate a range of different workshop both in-house and open. Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is in September, followed by our Foundation Course and our on-going Organizational TA programme. Call us now for an informal chat about how we can help you and/or your organization.

Using Our Intuition

2010-04-19T08:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how people can live with themselves when they intentionally “pull the rug” from underneath someone. You know the type of thing I’m sure. Perhaps you want to discuss something with other people and find a way forward that would be of benefit to others, to the group or the organization. At the meeting someone agrees to take a certain action only to do something behind your back that means that they either take the credit for an action or in some way “get one over” on you.

In my view this is anti-social behaviour and is negatively competitive and designed to be a win/lose outcome. In some circles this behaviour can be the norm and may even be encouraged and admired. However for those that invested their trust the fall out from such anti-social action can be tremendous, causing individuals to feel frustrated, betrayed and helpless. In organizations where this might happen on a regular basis creativity and productivity will decrease as energy is expended on self-protection.

This competitive (rather than cooperative and cocreative) behaviour shows that the competitor feels threatened and the only way to “win” is to play games where someone else loses. This behaviour indicates that they are in fact frightened and learned to con and manipulate their way through life – in other words to get others before, from their own perspective, they are “got”. In order to do this they must be objectifying another person or people since “we don’t hurt people, we hurt objects”. (Kohlrieser G, 2006).

However, what can you do about such actions when you experience being conned and manipulated? Firstly, go and see the other people who have been part of the game and discuss what happened. Front it up, don’t run away and feel cornered. If you are feeling bad then others may be feeling the same or even perhaps think that you were part of the negative process. When engaged in meetings to discuss process it can be helpful to volunteer vulnerability with others. This means remaining potent and believing that you are OK, and expressing what you are feeling where and when appropriate. If meeting with others is, for some reason, not an option then working out where you discounted the situation in some way and what other options you might have had will be a learning process for the future.

I do not believe it an option to say to ourselves “There you are you see I knew I shouldn’t trust anyone!” or “The world’s a dangerous place and I won’t take any initiatives again” etc. This will only serve to harm us and our lives. There are trustworthy people out there and we need to go and find them and polish up our antennae for “charming manipulators” who con their way through life.

The First Nation tribes in North America have a saying that “We ignore our intuition at our peril”, so let’s make sure we use ours and then check this out with our rational and effective thinking.

So consider whether you:

 Believe it necessary to control or dominate others
 Find other people irritating and want them to go away
 Like to take the credit for joint ventures
 Feel persecutory toward others sometimes
 Feel a victim sometimes
 Feel helpless when difficulties arise
 Lose sleep when certain people are going to be involved in meetings and/or tasks
 Distrust others to the point that you have decided not to express yourself

All of these are indicators that someone is taking up a not OK life position. That is, you may be making yourself or someone else not OK, or someone is trying to make you not OK. You don’t have to play this game. Instead respect others’ right to be in the world and maintain boundaries. When all else fails, learn from the situation and keep yourself feeling OK and other OK even if you have to challenge their behaviour.

If you experience stress and difficulties at work then one option is to undertake coaching with Mountain Associates. For information on coaching, training and consultancy contact +44 (0) 1455 824475 or take a look at our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 15-17 June 2010 which offers insights into human behaviour and options for development.

Work for others - not for us

2010-04-01T09:07:00.000-07:00

I’m sure we have all read a lot about service leadership and working in the service of others. Until last week I don’t think I fully connected with this concept even though it makes sense and I have taught different aspect of this philosophical approach. Now, however, I believe I have connected with this in a different way and wanted to share this with you to see if you “get it”.

Very often when we are working we are doing so to get money to finance our lives. We might also be working because status and/or achievement are important to us. The focus here is therefore on us. How different this would be if we were working for the highest good of others. This particularly makes sense if we are in the business of developing others through coaching, training, or even managing and leading others. Our focus would be on the other person or people rather than developing or colluding with competitive structures that only serve to cause stress.

If we grew up in a competitive family where there was little or no room for us and our emotions, vulnerabilities and needs we are likely to have reacted by either: withdrawing and believing we’re not important, or, in wanting attention, status and finances that prove we’re worthy. This early competitive system tends to just get replaced by another competitive system when we go to work. Our “filter” is on for locating the organisations that will reinforce our beliefs and frames of reference and we can then reinforce that this is how the world is. However, another person with a different frame of reference has found a place of work that is easy to attach to, that offers recognition and values its workforce with has an “abundance” frame of reference. This does not happen by accident. We have primed ourselves to “tune in” to what we expect and lo and behold we find it.

There are people and organisations that don’t develop a destructively competitive culture and, when we know how to find them, we will benefit from a change in our own frame of reference as this will offer us a new experience. This experience will challenge our past experience and we can then move on.

Moving on means moving out of the narcissistic “Me” position and into the “You” and “You and Me” positions. Sometime we might even take up the “Me for You” position in relation to what we want for others in terms of coaching and training etc. By this I do not mean that we are subservient, or over-compliant. Nor does it mean that we are not important, it is just that we “get out of the way” and move to a different philosophical position. Ironically we too are likely to thrive anyway as respect for us grows.

So, if you find yourself in an unhealthy competitive culture I invite you to consider whether the place where you grew up (in care or in your own family), was competitive and if so, whether you have replaced this family culture with the organisational one?

If you are in the business of developing others in some way do you do this because you:
 like being centre stage?
 enjoy the status?
 are just there for the money?
 It’s just a job?

If it is any of these I suggest you have a rethink about what you want to create in your life, and find a way to enjoy what you are doing by getting out of the way!

If you would like further information about coaching, training and consultancy then give us a call on: +44 (0) 1455 824475 or go to our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk

Freedom & Responsibility

2010-02-18T06:18:00.000-08:00

As we start a new year, here at Mountain Associates, we have been reflecting on the impact of social media on our wider society. The positive ethos of social media is the concept of giving and receiving. Through these instant internet systems we are now able to give and receive recommendations from others that (hopefully) assist our business profiles. Basically, if you give out positive recognition (strokes in TA), to others you are more likely to get something good back. This, in a nutshell, is also what life in general is about. When we are prepared to recommend others and not hold on tight to our links and connections, this positive energy is more likely to come back to us.

In short this is also about freedom and responsibility. We are free to keep our own links to ourselves or we have the freedom to share these. We also need to take responsibility for giving and what we give, without expecting to receive. In order to consider freedom and responsibility we need to be able to take the role of the “other” and establish empathy and appreciation of the other’s perspective.

It is not only individuals who need to consider the issues of freedom and responsibility but so too do organizations. These will be translated differently within each organization dependent upon the organizational script (a life plan made outside of awareness that involves discounting).

Whilst organizations do not have ego states they do have elements that correspond to them and these are communicated through the primal leader/s or euhemerus. When working in organizations, whether in a coaching or consulting capacity, or as an employee at any level, we need to reflect on how issues of freedom and responsibility are exercised – or have they been exorcised?!

When considering change we need to take a look at both the interpersonal and social systems of the organization.

"…… if all the individuals within the institution were suddenly to change their life scripts, the institution would continue to function as usual until its operational procedures were also changed. Similarly, the institution’s procedures could be changed with little effect on the individuals’ life scripts. Thus effective change must involve both the individuals changing their life scripts and the institution or social system changing its operational procedures on the social and psychological level”. (Joines in Barnes, 1977, pp 270-271)

To bring us back to the theme of freedom and responsibility and social media it appears to us that we have an opportunity here to develop a new culture and put a new show on the road. This “new show” has the potential to radically change how we are with each other across cultures. We are co-creating or co-constructing a way of being that is about giving and sharing and in ways that we have never seen before. Let’s harness this freedom and ensure we take our responsibility in how we do this – whether this is at the individual or organizational level.

We would love to hear from you about how you believe social media is influencing our society for the better. Also, what do you think about the idea of freedom and responsibility in organisations?

References:
Joines V.S. (1977), An integrated systems perspective. In G. Barnes (Ed), Transactional Analysis after Eric Berne: Teachings and practices of three TA schools (pp257-272,) New York: Harper College Press
(N.B. This publication uses some outdated models of TA so if you do follow-up the reference please bear this in mind).

If you would like further information about The Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis; our Foundation Course in TA; Developmental/Organizational Transactional Analysis then visit our website for details of courses and articles: www.mountain-associates.co.uk.

Facilitation and Decision-making

2010-01-20T02:13:00.000-08:00

Just prior to Christmas we went on the second of our twice yearly trips to train people in Russia. Working in Russia has always been an interesting and challenging process. We thoroughly enjoy the Russian hospitality and their curiosity and interest in whatever they are learning. This time we were teaching group work to about twenty-five strong-minded people, most of whom knew us from our previous workshops.

On the second day one participant moved a chair and a huge bang and flash occurred as an electrical wire had just been lodged into a hole in the wall of the training room and became dislodged by the chair. All the electrics went off in the room, including the heating. As it was -10 degrees Celcius outside this would eventually cause difficulties!

There were some interesting suggestions including buying candles and continuing to work in the room. The organiser went to locate the caretaker and chaos was looming large on the horizon as everyone thought they had a better idea. We decided to take the lead and went by our own health and safety standards i.e. do not work in a room where there is a possibility of a live cable, where the temperature would soon plummet and where there was no light!

Of course it is not always adviseable for facilitators to take the decision away from people. However, when agititation is increasing we need to be prepared to do just that. We therefore decided to take up the offer to move to another room on another floor. Had we been in a room that was within a commissioning organization the process would have been different. However, the organisers had rented this room and therefore we were in a position to continue with our role as facilitators and challenge the frame of reference about remaining there and obtaining candles.

How many times do people remain passive when decisions have to be made? All too often the loudest get their way, even if it is not necessarily based on sound rational judgement. How do we know that our decision is the right one? Well, of course this is often a difficult one to gauge. However, we can look at the evidence – in this situation:

• Is the room safe?
• Would it still be safe if someone outside the room “helpfully” turned the electricity back on again?
• Would it be safe to light the room with candles with 25 people in it?
• Would that make for a positive learning environment?
• How could this situation influence the learning outcomes of a course on group work if the facilitators, not the organisers, took charge of the decision-making?
• What are the processes and dynamics that are currently going on between group members and is this likely to escalate?
• Or whatever the “evidence” would be for your situation

Looking at this “evidence” often requires speed and clear thinking. Our thinking is enhanced when we remain in the Accounting mode and consider our role and responsibility, and then take the appropriate action.
(for further information on this concept go to: http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/behavmode1.html

Taking the leadership slot in Russia is even more important. Our experience has shown us that without a very structuring style of leadership the group process often regresses to one that is agitated and chaotic. We all need to recognise how important it is to know and understand the culture in which we are working. This particular incident happened in Russia and if it had happened here in the UK it is highly likely that the group would have responded very differently. We therefore need to keep in mind where we are, whether that be in a particular organization or a different culture. What are the norms and how should we respond whilst acknowledging and accounting others?

The blog next month will look at freedom and responsibility and we can also look at this situation from that perspective. The organisers could have taken their power and made the decision about what to do and we could have withdrawn from the decision-making process. Whilst we would have been free to do this we would also have role-modelled how to be passive and the already fraught atmosphere would more-than-likely have degenerated. During the next month how about letting us have your ideas passivity and the decision-making process.

Mountain Associates offer in-house and open workshops as well as coaching and consultancy. Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 9 -11 March; Getting to Grips with Groups is on 27-29 April and we will also be hosting a trainer from France who will be here in July facilitating a workshop on Organizational TA. See our website for information on supervision of coaches and our supervision course. Do get in touch if you would like further information.

Armenia

2009-12-16T05:01:00.000-08:00

We recently visited Armenia where we undertook voluntary training programmes as well as supervision. We had a pretty full programme this time and this included enjoying ourselves in our time off. What we were struck by is the generosity that pervades the culture, despite the economic hardship of many of the people. It is interesting that, very often when people have less economically, they seem to have more in generosity. On one occasion a village woman took an hour to take us to a local site that our hosts were looking for. She and her grandson walked and talked with our hosts whilst we went into the valley to find the place. She was full of grace and generosity despite her apparent lack of financial wealth. We then returned to Yerevan with its aggressive drivers and pollution but holding the calm and ease of our trip and being aware of the need for balance.

I will use another experience from Armenia to explain our behavioural modes model as I was talking with a participant on our Organisational Training Programme about this model and how the Accounting Mode works (For a description of the model see the following page on our web site:

http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/behavmode1.html )

The participant queried whether the Accounting mode is “empty” or whether it always has some aspect of the others within it i.e. Structuring, Nurturing, Playful and Co-operative. So by way of explanation let’s take a situation where there is a heated argument ensuing between colleagues. We might be observing this and considering whether we should intervene. We give consideration to our own role and relationship vis a vis those involved as well as our motivation and any likely outcomes of different interventions. Having done this we then take action, whether that be to walk away and leave them to it or to intervene. At the action stage we are likely to use the resources of our Structuring, Nurturing, Co-operative or Playful aspects of our Accounting Mode. (Hopefully we do not move into one of the “red zones” and intervene from there which will only “fuel the fire”). Naturally, some situations may take a little while to think through whilst others will take a few seconds. This is a natural process which most of us do outside of our awareness as we have integrated the way of doing this.

My partner and I wish to acknowledge and thank those who trained with us in Armenia and who were willing to share themselves and their lives with us for those few weeks.

Whether or not you celebrate Christmas, we wish you all a very relaxing festive season and hope that the generosity of spirit that we received from the woman in the Armenian village comes your way, and goes from you to others.

If you don’t know this model, then do take a look at our web site on the following page and you will see the concept under discussion:

http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/behavmode1.html

Contact us for professional and personal development through coaching, training and consultancy.

Protection and Potency

2009-11-18T05:23:00.000-08:00

Whether we work as a coach, consultant or as a team member there are sometimes challenges within the relationships we have. How do we respond when it appears that someone has “lost it”, or is so aggressive that it appears that they could move to violence? These are times when additional support is important because keeping this fear to ourselves is very demanding and unsafe.

The occasions when such situations occur are rare, but when they do happen it is helpful to know what to do.

Firstly, I work contractually and when, appropriate, make a confidentiality contract when I also let the person, or people, know when I will break that confidentiality. I would do this if the client does not agree to keep themselves or another person safe. Usually I would not know about any potential dangers until we have established a relationship and the client trusts me with this information. Before rushing off to break the contract of confidentiality we would need to explore their thoughts and feelings about the situation.

After voicing their thoughts about harm to self and/or others, and exploring the issues they are often willing to agree with themselves, with you acting as a witness, that they will not harm themselves or anyone else, accidentally or on purpose. When asking someone to do this they need to agree this whilst having eye contact with us and saying the words, not just agreeing with us in an over-adaptive way. This agreement could be a short term agreement perhaps until they see us next time (giving a specific date is unhelpful as you, or they, may be ill and not be able to attend). The eventual aim is for the client to agree to permanently take responsibility and keep themselves and others safe.

In this situation the coach, manager, or colleague is being potent and protective to the client/colleague and to anyone else who might be in danger, or impacted by the client’s actions. This also offers our client an option that is about taking responsibility rather than moving away from responsibility. Even a time-limited agreement offers the client social control and instead of using their energy on the damaging ideation they can instead use it for health and to consider other options.

It may also be appropriate and important for the client to make an appointment to see a psychotherapist within an agreed time frame. Coaches and managers do not have a contract for psychotherapy and, even though I am also a psychotherapist I will refer on when I believe the client would benefit from this type of intervention as I do not have a contract for therapy when I am coaching. This does not mean that coaching is not therapeutic but that contract is different.

Perhaps some of you are saying that the situation where people want to harm themselves or others would never happen in the workplace. However, it does happen. People can go “crazy” at work as well as at home; they can threaten or be violent at work as well as at home and occasionally are. If we come across distressed people, or if we are distressed and want a way out that is not about taking responsibility, then we need to do something about it. Suffering may seem inevitable for some rather than optional but, generally, it is optional and once we develop other resources we don’t need to resort to violence or self-harm.

Here’s to happy, potent, responsible days for us all!

If you would like any more information about coaching or supervision of coaches then get in touch with us at: http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk

Dealing With The Process

2009-09-21T07:30:00.000-07:00

We all feel stuck at some time or other and yet want to get on with the task in hand. We persist in the same behaviours in an attempt to get the other person or people to undertake the action they have promised, or find ways to meet the other person and develop an understanding between us, all of this in pursuance of the task. However, we get nowhere. When this happens one option is to deal with the process rather than the task. In other words we need to address what is going on between us rather than just repeating ourselves.

Let’s take the example of a promise. Jack promises Andrea that he will return the camera he borrowed from her. They had previously agreed that he could borrow it for his sister’s wedding but would return it on 20 August, two weeks after borrowing it. As the time approaches Andrea calls Jack to arrange to go for a coffee when Jack can return the camera. Jack agrees to the arrangement, but on the day phones and says that he can’t make it but will return the camera in the week. The week passes and Jack does not turn up and so Andrea does not have the return of her camera. Again Andrea calls Jack, again more promises and more breaks of those promises.

Eventually, Andrea calls Jack and expresses how she is feeling about the situation. She believes that she is now in a game (see www.mountain-associates.co.uk/games.html) with Jack and decides to deal with the process of what has been going on between them, rather than to persist with familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome – in this instance, Jack not returning the camera. Andrea informs Jack that she is now wary of trusting Jack and this situation is damaging their friendship. She has really valued him as a friend and would like him to return the camera now and discuss with her what has been going on. If he has lost it she would prefer him to say so and to buy her another one, than to continue in this way. That way she feels she is more likely to be able to maintain a relationship with him.

For his part, Jack experiences being confronted with his process by Andrea and whilst uncomfortable is able to see what she is saying to him. He informs Andrea that the shutter on the camera broke whilst he was using it. He felt bad about it, even though he did nothing to damage it, and has put it in for repair. They have a “heart to heart” conversation about this and Andrea feels closer to Jack and he brings round the camera two weeks later.

Okay, so not all situations turn out this well but even so dealing with the process will be of assistance. Therefore, the next time you experience going round and round, taking the same old actions I suggest dealing with the process instead. Of course this will all need to be undertaken in Accounting mode.
(http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/ego_states4.html )

So, the motto needs to be “When the process gets in the way of the task, deal with the process”.

Mountain Associates are highly trained and skilled Transactional Analysts. If you want professional assistance with coaching, supervision of coaching, in-house training we have many years of training in Transactional Analysis which is a social psychology.

Changing Limiting Beliefs

2009-08-27T07:41:00.000-07:00

When times are difficult and we are concerned about how to get by we may have a tendency to think negatively. We might continually think about the past in terms of “If only I had not done or done …………..”, or the future in terms of “What if………….” Such thoughts can keep us awake at night and eventually we might become snappy and irritable.

What we need to do instead is stay in the here-and-now and think positive, rather than negative, thoughts. When we notice that we are negatively focussing on a concern we have a range of options (some of which I have discussed in previous blogs and so won’t repeat). Whenever we become aware that we are “worrying” rather than doing something about a difficulty we need to replace the worrying thoughts with the opposite positive thought. Alternatively, we can replace the negative thoughts with any positive thought.

Once we have chosen which option we will take then it is possible to repeat this thought over and over. For example, we are concerned that we cannot get through all the work we have to do and feel overwhelmed, at night in particular, we might be anxious and go over and over what we have to do but with no resolution. Instead we could say to ourselves “I am having an easy day and I know how to do a good job and think through how to manage my workload”. The action statement is important in this, as is saying the phrase in the present tense.

What we’re doing in this process is to re-direct our subconscious onto a different path. When we do this we can release energy from the fight/flight/freeze response so that we can think. In this way our subconscious and higher self can be creative and come up with solutions – including perhaps telling the boss we’re on overload and would value a management discussion on how to deal with the workload; delegating some work to someone else; make the case for an assistant; and finding another job within a more supportive organizational culture. The creation of all these options and probably many more can emerge once we are in the here-and-now i.e. in Accounting Mode in Transactional Analysis terms.

We often limit ourselves by obsessive and negative thoughts which drain our energy. These are usually underpinned by some negative beliefs about self, others and the world, and by addressing the negative belief and updating ourselves we can remain in the present moment. For example, if we are in debt and are worried about how to manage, it may be that underneath we have a belief that “people like us” are not successful, or that “I don’t deserve to be successful” or “I’m too thick to make money and be happy”. All of these thoughts will drain our energy and prevent us from being creative and thinking about positive ways to get out of debt.

Even if we believe we don’t have answers about to how to move forward, when we make the space, options will emerge. Trust the process. Besides which, when we worry we won’t find the answer because we are too exhausted.

So, Lift Your Limits ©, with the daily practice of replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, sifting out those old, outdated beliefs about attaining goals etc., and giving yourself the space so that your subconscious and conscious mind can be creative about solutions.

N.B. Lifting Your Limits is the title of a development programme facilitated by Mountain Associates. For further information contact us ta@mountain-associates.co.uk or +44 (O)1455 824475

Please let us know your thoughts about the blogs. We value your ideas and responses. Click on the link below to send us your response.

Who’s Really There?

2009-07-22T02:41:00.000-07:00

Communication difficulties often start because we see who we think is there but don’t actually take the time to find out who we are really relating with (or not!).

Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, said that “In order to say Hello, you first get rid of all the trash which has accumulated in your head ever since you came home from the maternity ward, and then you recognise that this particular Hello will never happen again” (What Do You Say After You Say Hello, 1984). The “trash” consists of all the messages we have received, all the experiences we have had and how we have translated and made sense of them, in order to get by in the world as we see it.

In order to get by we have developed a frame of reference, a way of seeing the world that, in the long run, may or may not be helpful. In so doing we can believe that all people who are like this, or like that, are the same or similar. These projections and assumptions are quick to make and mean that we can maintain our frame of reference. This means that we don’t have to find out who, and how, people really are.

In the work place management and leadership have to make many decisions and, if we need to make a joint decision, many of us try to convert other people to our way of thinking. Conflict ensues and there is a tendency to polarise. We have very little understanding about why someone may think they way they do and we may write them off by saying “They would say that” etc. How different it would be if we put down our assumptions and prejudices and found out how the other person or people got to that decision, rather than trying to convert them to our way. After all is someone has been raised in Thailand, another in Poland, another from an Asian British culture it is to be expected that we will all have a different perspective and a way of doing something. We need to find out about each other first so that we can understand different perspectives and find the merits of these before promoting just our own view. This way we can move to a co-creative process taking the benefits of each and probably come out with a better solution.

When we don’t know someone, or don’t understand them, it is easy to write them off. How do we feel when we are dismissed and “written off”? I know I don’t like it and therefore aim not to do this to others. After all, maintaining all the “trash” we have accumulated since the maternity ward is actually a loss to us all, the organisation included and is a much bigger risk than dumping the “trash”. To do this I need to be aware of my own prejudices and assumptions about men, women, culture, ability, gender and be prepared to be known and to know others.

I have heard some say “We don’t have time to get to know and understand where others are coming from”. Well, actually, we don’t have time not to as so much time is wasted by conflict, or just plain resentment and passivity. As we do take the time to get to know with whom we are working and understand how come they got to that conclusion the process will become easier and the decision making quicker. In addition the outcomes are likely to be more creative and dynamic with an increase in respect for each other.

Mountain Associates facilitate open-workshops on a range of subject areas based on the application of Transactional Analysis. Do get in touch if you are interested in courses, coaching or supervision of coaches. We look forward to hearing from you.

What Is Good Practice?

2009-06-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

Good practice is based on beliefs, values and opinions, from which ethical behaviour stems. The dictionary definition of ethics is: philosophical study of the moral value of human conduct and of the rules and principles that ought to govern it. (The New Collins Concise English Dictionary).

Given the current issues surrounding MP's expenses in the UK, now is a very good time for those of us working in organisations to consider our own ethics.

There are few references to ethical behaviour in the management and organisational literature. Many refer to the values an organisation may hold, but not how these translate into action. This may be partly due to the fact that consultants and those working in organisations come from a variety of educational and professional backgrounds where these may not have been considered.

For example, if an organisation uses as its mission statement "We value people", how will that organisation find ways of demonstrating this? What are the implications for that organisation when this is not demonstrated?

The belief system is an important part of TA. There are many people who know the theoretical TA concepts but do not put the underpinning philosophy into practice, thereby making their actions and theoretical knowledge incongruent.

Beliefs are often unconscious patterned thinking processes and may, therefore, be hard to identify. The need to make meaning, find causes or maintain our identity, guides our beliefs, which by their nature, are not necessarily related to facts, even though we may act as though they are.

Our beliefs will effect how we behave, and our beliefs are part of our identity. Changing either our beliefs, or how we view ourselves will effect our actions. This will include who we work with and how we work with them.

There are some values that are deeply rooted and global and some that are dependent on circumstances. Organisations which have alignment of shared values increase employee commitment, confidence and achievement.

Codes of Ethics

The European Association of Transactional Analysis (EATA) and the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA) have Codes of Ethics to which all members of those organisations agree to adhere to. This offers clients a measure of protection.

The ethical considerations for those working in organisations can be ambiguous and as such are not always sufficiently addressed by either the national or international bodies. Those of us using TA in organisations need to develop our Adult awareness about our own ethical principles.

Awareness of three cornered contracting (English, 1975) is necessary as consultants have contracts with the commissioning agent as well as course participants. It is these relationships which can create the ambiguity. A one to one contract is not usually the case for an organisational consultant which means that these relationships can be complex and sometimes confusing, which has implications for boundary setting. It is therefore "........vitally important that the consultant have clear, conscious, and consistent ethical standards" (Garfield 1993).

References:

Dilts R., Hallbom T, & Smith S. (1990) Beliefs. Pathways to Health and Well-being.
English F. (1975) Three-Cornered Contract TAJ 5:4
Garfield V. (1993) Ethical Principles for Work in Organisations TAJ 23:2
van Hauen F. Kastberg B, Soden A (1999) Dare to Kiss the Frog

We are interested in hearing your comments on our blogs. Do respond using the link on this page
Mountain Associates train others both nationally and internationally as well as facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis including Developmental/Organisational TA. Please contact us for further details: www.mountain-associates.co.uk

Power and Control

2009-05-21T06:36:00.000-07:00

If you are the sort of person who becomes irritated and snappy easily, or you know someone who does, this often appears from the outside to be coming from an I’m OK and You’re not OK position. However, let’s look a bit deeper.

You may be someone who believes that they have to take care of others and be the one who makes things right. If this is the case then it maybe that your feelings of resentment and lack of time for fun are displaced and you become more and more controlling as a way of keeping everything in place – or so it seems. In the end one situation reinforces the next and before you know it you may believe that if you weren’t in control of things everything would fall apart – work, home, friendships etc. This, in itself creates its own tensions.

Very often people who are controlling find other people who believe they need to be looked after and so a co-dependent relationship is established. However, inside the person who appears to be in the control seat may actually be scared. The more scared they are the more controlling they may become and their scared feelings never get addressed. The basic existential life position may be I’m not OK and You’re not OK either.

If you are aware that you do this, or that you are fairly obsessive, then it is time to take stock. Let go a bit, see that others can also share power and control and things can be okay. If you are still fearful then do go and see a coach or psychotherapist who will have the skills to support you to change and grow so that you make the most of life and enjoy it.

Of course, not everyone who is controlling has the fundamental life position of I’m not OK and You’re not OK, so establishing which life position you, or the person who is controlling, is largely coming from will be helpful as the interventions will be different for different people. Therefore uncovering the basic beliefs about self, others and life, is an important step in awareness and then change. However, it is important to know where you are going and why you want to get there as this offers motivation and hope. This in itself provides the momentum to move toward rather than just moving away from something.

So, ask yourself whether you are over controlling, or if you are at times and what these times may be about. Then consider which life position you may be coming from (see the notes on the Transactional Analysis concept of OKayness on our web site: http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/life_positions.html ). Having done this know that this is not a fact but a belief about self and others and that you can change this so that your relationships improve and life is easier. Suffering is optional so you can make the changes you need to make and get the help you need to do so if this is scary for you. If you are reluctant to make the changes so that you are largely in the life position of I’m OK and You’re OK, then consider why you might be resistant. This resistance is telling you something that you may need to deal with first so that you feel safe to make the changes you want to make.

So, the next time you may be snappy with a work colleague, or at home with the family or friends, then ask yourself what it is about and find out if there is anything beneath this irritability that needs dealing with.

Have a safe journey!

Why not start a discussion about this or our other blogs. We would like to hear from you.
If you would like to experience coaching, training or consultancy with Mountain Associates then give us a call or get in touch with us through our web site.

I Take Care of You So That You Take Care Of Me

2009-04-16T06:49:00.000-07:00

Here is another blog which has some links with last months.

Are you the sort of person who likes to look after others? Do you like to pre-empt other’s needs and take care of them? Do you feel alone or abandoned when not looking after others? If so, then you might end up feeling fearful and, in addition, a victim of others who take advantage of you. This is probably not your intention, but it is likely to be an outcome. When we continuously put others before ourselves this may cover the belief that we are only OK as long as we are looking after others, whilst in return we expect them to be nice to us and look after us in some way.

How many times at work have you said “yes” to taking on another task when you know that doing so will mean that you feel overwhelmed and have to work extra hours? You might rationalise this by saying to yourself “At least this means they value me”, or “At least I don’t have the think about being alone at home as I will need to work late”. Thus these “yes’s” enable us to avoid developing a friendship network, or ensuring our home life is satisfying.

If we have developed this particular way of being we need to tell ourselves that we are important – and sometimes more important, than other people. As a way to remember this let’s take the analogy of aircrew on any flight anywhere in the world. The first thing the aircrew do is tell us how to put on our life jackets and to put these on first, before helping the elderly, frail or young with theirs. The rationale for this is that we need to be prepared for any emergency so that we are available to support others. In everyday life our “life-jacket” is the nurture and care we need to give ourselves. We need to like ourselves, be happy with our own company and have confidence in who we are. With this “life-jacket” we are able to set boundaries as well as give and receive support in a balanced way.

If we are saying “yes” as a way of avoiding dealing with something then we need to ask ourselves: “If things go on as they are how will I be?” and “If things get worse, how will I be?”, and then “Is this okay with me and if not what options do I have?”

We need to see how we feel about the answers to these questions and then decide what action to take. Thoughtful and caring action will enable us to deal with difficult situations. We may need to get support and talk to someone else, not to get the answers from them but as a sounding board. In this way we can get control of our own lives and take our own power to have more of the life we need and want.

Life is all about inter-dependence - not co-dependence, which is what we get when we take a passive rather than pro-active stance. So, do it today, get your life-jacket on and life will get richer.

For more information on Mountain Associates visit our main web pages:
www.mountain-associates.co.uk Let us know what you think about our blogs. Contact us for in-house training, coaching and consultancy, and to find out about our open workshops.

Feeling Full

2009-03-09T06:19:00.000-07:00

One of the things we get from satisfying relationships with others is a feeling of being “full”. When we make contact with another person and take the time to share we can feel a sense of satisfaction at the honour of hearing another person and on being heard.

However, when under stress these opportunities can become restricted and 2009 is probably one of these times. Due to the financial situation the “full” sense we can get from connectedness can be reduced as all around us there are people suffering from homelessness, threat of redundancy and stress-related ill-health. Therefore at home as well as in the work-place, it is still important to consider how we find ways to feel positively “full”. Some get this from using alcohol, but, as we never get enough of what we don’t need, the short term gain from this will be insufficient to cover the emptiness.

Ironically when stressed, many of us cut off rather than connect, and in so doing are likely to become more and more isolated. Also at these times we can start to project negativity and despair onto others and so things begin to spiral down. Instead of withdrawing we need to find ways to make connection. In this way we can feel nourished and supported even in times of difficulty.

Leaders particularly need to find ways to “fill-up”, rather than run on empty. There are many ways to do this including making opportunities to really meet with people and find ways to understand them. Then, even if we should disagree with them we can do so amicably and through hearing them, rather than attempting to brow-beat them with our opinions. In this way relationships can be developed and maintained. Active listening is a term used in counselling and is appropriate to the development of good relationships wherever, and with whom ever, we are.

Further, when things are getting difficult it is important to check in with ourselves and ask how we are feeling about the situation and then what we need when we feel like this. For example, we may feel angry and need a sounding board, or scared and need to develop some options to allay our fears. Taking account of our feelings is a good way to ensure that we don’t bury our head in the sand and do nothing as eventually this usually makes things worse.

Therefore, when stressed we need to take account of the situation, decide what we are feeling about it and what we need at such times. This will often include such activities as talking with someone, getting some space and objectivity by taking time to go for a walk etc. and then taking the appropriate action to move toward addressing the issue.

Go well.

Mountain Associates are available for coaching and supervision of coaches. We also provide organisational consultancy and in-house training as well as open workshops. Call us now for an informal discussion about how we might be of assistance.

Is the problem you or me?

2009-02-11T03:32:00.000-08:00

When communicating with others and something goes wrong, how do we know whether the problem is me or you? Well, actually the difficulty is with both people. For example, you might experience me as criticising you and become angry and therefore snap back at me. In so doing you become as much part of the difficulty as I am. Both of us need to pay attention to the way we are saying something as well as to what we are saying i.e. we need to consider process and content.

I might believe that what I said and how I said it was clear and from a here-and-now place. However, perhaps if I could replay it I might hear a certain tone in my voice that showed that I was implying something that was a put-down of you and this hooked your defensive/attacking behaviour. In which case I can acknowledge my part in the process and start again.

Alternatively, I might reflect on what I said, the tone etc. and decide that I said it in an okay way but I still received an attack. In this case I would still need to remain OK with myself and OK with you and ask for clarification about what it is I said that you feel angry/put down about etc. and stay in the here-and-now, without escalating the process. This also invites you to return to the here-and-now so that dialogue can continue.

Hopefully this example shows that just because you are reacting to me in a particular way this does not justify me making one or both of us not OK as this helps no one and dialogue breaks down, leaving bad feelings. Even if I experience being verbally attacked by you it does not mean I need to attack in return. I might need to put in boundaries and ensuring social control but I can do this from a here-and-now place, without escalating the process.

One way to enjoy the challenge of doing something differently is to give yourself marks out of 10 for changing your old negative patterns of behaviour. No one else needs to know about this of course. This way you always get good points, even if you noticed after the event for doing things the old way – at least you noticed so reward yourself with points for noticing. We all like to be recognised for doing well, rather than poorly and you can see how your points increase as you notice more and more, and sooner and sooner.

Enjoy!

Do keep in touch and let us have your thoughts. We facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis so return to the main web site and take a look at our programme or contact us for in-house training and coaching. www.mountain-associates.co.uk

Flexibility and Willingness

2009-01-22T07:36:00.000-08:00

How do we maintain our willingness to learn new things and update our knowledge and information when we are a leader?

The difficulty for leaders at all levels is to account our knowledge and perhaps, our lack of knowledge. This is particularly important when we are with others who we manage or supervise. Perhaps that person is sharing something with the team that challenges our frame of reference, or is sharing something we know nothing about. At these times it is important to be OK with ourselves and others even when we lack knowledge.

Those of us who are flexible and willing to learn will experience this as exciting and interesting whilst others of us may discount the new learning and try to maintain our old way of thinking about things. To do this might involve putting down and making not-OK the person, or people, who are delivering the updated information. By holding on to our own perceptions we can believe that we are holding on to our status as a leader as someone who knows. However, how much more permission-giving and exciting our world would be if we were willing to be flexible, maintain an open mind and consider the new. In this simple process there is a profound import. By showing that we are not above learning we give permission to others not to know and to still stay OK. We also show our strength as a leader as we will be seen as someone able and willing to update ourselves and still keep ourselves OK.

Happy learning!

We value hearing your comments so do respond by clicking on the comments link on this page.

For in-house consultancy, training and coaching, as well as to attend our open programmes, contact: www.mountain-associates.co.uk

A Path With Heart

2008-12-20T01:41:00.001-08:00

With a New Year approaching many people turn to considering goals and aspirations, e.g. to go to the gym twice a week - only for these to fall at the first hurdle. Perhaps one reason for not completing our best intentions is because they are not fundamental choices i.e. they do not address our passions, how we want to be in life, and how we want, and need, to make connection. This connection, or lack of it, is often at the heart of difficulties. Many of us have lost connection with a sense of ourselves, with others, with nature and with life itself.

At our Organisational Transactional Analysis training workshop last weekend the group raised the issue of the place of spirituality in TA and a short discussion was held about this. In the TA world two of the people who write extensively about this are Muriel James and her son, John James. In their book a Passion for Life they discuss the human need for a spiritual self and the need to connect and go beyond ourselves.

At a time when the world seems in turmoil it is even more important for us to connect and feel that sense of connection. Human beings have the power to intervene in life. We need to ensure that these interventions are life enhancing. When we lose connection we tend to lose empathy for others, for nature and for life itself, and, when this happens, we lose touch with a deeper sense of connection, and thus our spirituality. To connect is to experience ourselves and others and to really encounter life and live with a passion which reflects a quote I saw the other day: Live your life every day.

So, my hope for us all and for the world is that we make real connection with ourselves, with others and with nature in 2009. This is true intimacy and is life enhancing. This fundamental decision to connect starts with our “self” and is not just for life but is about life and is not just for Christmas.

Enjoy the festive season and laugh and love with a passion that is connecting.

We are interested in your comments on these blogs. Go to the link at the bottom of this blog and keep in touch. See you in 2009.

Who Shall I Rescue Today?

2008-11-13T06:07:00.000-08:00

How often have you gone to help someone and ended up feeling persecuted by them? If this has happened to you it may be that you did not ask the other person if they needed your assistance before assuming what they needed.

Karpman (1968) devised a simple diagram for analysing the “games” that people get into with each other. (In Transactional Analysis a game is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome). Karpman uses three roles as in a play or drama, namely Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim.

Are you one of life’s Rescuers? You think that someone else really needs your assistance and help them without checking whether this is appropriate. Alternatively they may need your help but not as much as you give. The position of Rescuer always discounts someone else’s ability to problem solve. It may be that you seem to be the one who does a lot of the organising on your team’s behalf, when in fact it would be more appropriate to spread this around between everyone.

Perhaps when you did organise an event or task you may not have got the outcome that others wanted and they have a go at you for this. If this happens you may feel bad and move down into the Victim position, which is in fact where you had put your colleagues or staff by thinking that you have to do everything. Your colleagues then move up into the Persecutor position. This feels a far more powerful place than being in Victim which is why people will make that switch.

So by getting involved on the Drama Triangle you can think that you are incapable, think others are incapable or hold others responsible for not looking after you “properly”. Once in any of the three positions - Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim - we can keep going round the Triangle indefinitely.

Often there is one position which we take up more than any of the others. Sometimes we don’t switch round. For example a partnership where one person always decides what is going to happen and when. In these instances there is usually an unspoken agreement that the one partner will look after the other. This “agreement” means that one person takes on the Compliant mode within the relationship whilst the other takes on the Critical or Over-Indulgent mode, thus creating a dependency. When one person tires of this then the roles on the Drama Triangle can start to show. Until this point there may be an unspoken agreement to use just two of the roles, for example, those of Rescuer and Victim, and only later does one of the players switch to Persecutor.

The way to avoid being on the Drama Triangle is to become aware when you and/or others may be discounting self, others or the reality of the situation. For more about this see the Transactional Analysis pages on our web site: www.mountain-associates.co.uk or take a look at some of the excellent books on TA that are around at the moment.

You may be interested to know that our own book on Organizational TA will be published in 2009. Keep an eye on our web site for more details.

Reference:

Stephen Karpman, (1968), “Fairy tales and script drama analysis”. TAB, 7,26, 1968, 39-43

Attraction - fatal or otherwise?

2008-09-11T06:29:00.000-07:00

What we focus our attention on grows greater in our lives. Have you ever noticed that if you have a small mark, such as a spot on your face that you tend to focus attention on that and feel awful? Life can feel like that as well. When we experience difficulties we tend to focus our attention and energy on that rather than on the positive things in our life. However, this focus of attention is rarely mindfully undertaken, as we can obsess about something without actually really paying sufficient attention to solve or resolve it.

But let’s return to attraction. How often do we see someone getting themselves into the same difficult situation time after time. They may get themselves into difficult jobs, difficult relationships and believe that life is difficult. Whereas another person finds good jobs where they flourish, have great relationships and despite life’s difficulties is an optimistic thinker.

These things don’t just happen by accident. If we want to be positive we need to be in control of our mind, not let our minds control us. When we find ourselves going into a negative spiral we need to stop ourselves, return from that pathway and go down another one – one that is positive and life enhancing. By doing this we will give off better energy as we will be looking for the best in ourselves, others and life. Eventually we stop letting others cross our personal boundaries, increase our confidence, start to feel better and we will respect and value others.

This may sound as if I believe this will be simple – which it can be – however, retraining ourselves to think positively and creatively takes commitment. It means staying in the present moment, enjoying the “now” and believing we and others have value. If your way is not working for you, then this is at least worth a try. We might just start to attract encouragers rather than discouragers and become an encourager ourselves.

For more information about coaching, consultancy, training and supervision contact Mountain Associates: www.mountain-associates.co.uk

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Talking With, Not To, People

2008-08-11T03:20:00.000-07:00

One of the most important aspects of leadership is communication. No matter how strategic we are, how intelligent etc. if we cannot get our message across then we need to develop our communication skills.

Sometimes it seems that connecting with each other is one of the most difficult things in the world, when it should be as easy as breathing. The difficulties come when we:

• have the need to control
• aim to prove we are better than others
• put ourselves down
• feel put down and then try to do the same to the other person
• get defensive

Within communication there are so many nuances – how we say things, the tone of our voice, the way we stand, our facial expressions, etc. There also different types of communication – ones where we are talked to like a child, talk to others as if they were a child, talk about others as if they were less than us, imply something without actually saying it and, thank goodness, real communication when we care about the other person, know that we can have an impact on others, really want to relate and learn about what the other person thinks and are prepared to adjust our thinking accordingly. Of course it is sometimes appropriate to put in a boundary and be firm and effectively structuring, but this can be done in a way that is not punitive or “out to get” someone.

Here is an example of a communication process that has the potential to escalate and for at least one person to feel bad and how to avoid that.

Let’s take an example of a communication that appears out to “get someone”. You are doing a presentation and write up something you wish to teach on the flip chart. You teach from this and then, after some discussion, one of the participants says: “What is your thinking about spelling ‘behaviour’ differently on the flip chart?” There appears to be an ulterior transaction here – one that implies something without actually saying it. We, the receiver of this comment, then have a choice. We can feel stupid and shamed by the comment and become defensive, in which case the process will get very messy. Alternatively, we could keep ourselves and the other person OK, saying in an even voice that we did not notice and checking if this was a problem for the participant. In this way, if there was an attempt to show us up, this does not happen and we seek to understand the other person’s concern – for there may have been some reason for his comment that we do not understand.

So where we appear to be invited into a fight or to feel bad we have choices about how we respond. We need to keep ourselves and other OK and still deal with the situation in a way that puts in a boundary at the same time. Remember, suffering is optional!

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From Passivity to Action

2008-07-01T02:10:00.000-07:00

Are you one of those people who say things like “It’s hot in here” rather than “I would like to open the window, would anyone have any objections?”. Or perhaps you come in and the washing up is not done and you thought your partner would have done it as they were off all day. Resentfully, you set to and wash up. Alternatively you come in to work, Mavis is off sick and no one has organised who will do the lunch shift. You offer to do it and then are over-stretched and end up feeling victim to the situation.

These types of situations are about passivity and are non-problem solving behaviours and they all involve discounting – ignoring or denying some aspect of self, others or the situation.

There are five types of passivity:

• Doing nothing
• Over-adaptation
• Agitation
• Incapacitation
• Violence (the original version links this with incapacitation)

Doing nothing occurs when we have a difficulty but we are doing nothing to resolve it. We are not talking about it nor taking action. This would be the case if I were hot and did nothing to resolve it.

Over-adaptation is when we undertake actions we think someone else would want us to be doing, rather than thinking for ourselves. We might be motivated to do this for “a quiet life”, because we think “They won’t like us if we don’t” etc.

Agitation occurs when we have perhaps tried to over-adapt to someone else but we have not received the recognition we are seeking. We might then begin to tap our fingers or feet, pace up and down and so on. Again this does nothing to actually solve the problem and there is even less thinking available at this stage.

Once we get to the level of incapacitation there is even less thinking available. We may have gone off sick from work, passed out, or been so angry we are incapable of talking.

Violence may then occur is we have still not met our needs and believe that we are not being understood. However, we have not actually done anything to be understood or tried to understand anyone else’s perspective. Violence is often thought of as physical but it may actually be an abusive email or letter. Take for example the person who hangs up the phone on Janice. Janice calls back because she thinks she has been cut off as she had only just said “Hello” when Barry answered the phone. On calling back Janice gets the answer-phone, and, being confused because Barry had just spoken to her suggests that he call her back when he is ready as this may have been a bad time. Barry then sends an email in capital letters (which denotes shouting) saying he feels angry that she has insulted him, but gives no explanation how Janice had done this. He says that he does not want her to contact him again and she will just have to go through someone else if she wants anything as he won’t be treated like this. This sort of response is passive and does nothing to resolve the difficulties he is experiencing with Janice as she is not aware of what she has done and how she can rectify it.

To move from passivity to action we first have to believe that:

• we are important,
• other people have a right to be heard and understood, but not at our own expense
• we can solve problems
• we can stay in relationship – if the other person is willing
• we need to seek to understand the other person
• we need to get rid of all the “trash” in our heads that we have accumulated since the maternity ward (Berne E, 1984ed. What Do You Say After You Say Hello?, Corgi, p4)
• keep ourselves and the other person OK

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Staying in Touch

2008-06-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

How easy or difficult is it for you to stay in touch with your feelings and with someone else’s feelings? One of the difficulties for us when communicating is in how to be empathic with the other person. We tend to be busy thinking about what we want and how to get it, rather than with understanding the other person. Really excellent empathic responses come from a deeper sense of the other person, and is perhaps closer to the word “attunement” than to empathy. Our ability to be attuned to the other should not mean that we have to give up what we want, but it does mean that we need to consider the impact we have on others, and to do this we need to actively listen as well as seek understanding.

When we are busy trying to “convert” people to what we think that we can miss them. If we miss the other person we also miss out because we have not made connection and developed relationship. We have therefore probably not put down all the “trash we have accumulated since the maternity ward” (Berne E. 1984, What Do You Say After You Say Hello?).

However, being empathic is also enabled on the other person’s part if they are willing to communicate with us, and are able to accept our empathic responses. When the other person is aloof, or cut off in some way then the ability to be empathic and attuned is hampered.

Let’s take the example of caring for someone who is ill. For some people illness may mean that they withdraw and cut-off. When this happens the carer is more likely to experience higher stress levels as they are unable to stay in touch with the person who is unwell and, in turn, they can become increasingly debilitated and tired. How different it is when the person who is ill is willing and able to be responsive. Although tired the carer will feel heard and responded to which helps their own process and energy levels.

Whilst this is a more extreme example than just daily communication it does highlight the need for communication to be two-way (or more). Communication, caring and empathy are co-created with givers and receivers. Both the giver and the receiver need to stay in touch with themselves – their own needs and wants, as well as the other’s needs and wants, and find ways to exchange. This will be a more rewarding process than one where a person cuts offs or negates the empathic or attuned response.

Continued caring for someone who is not able to give back can encouraged “burnout” and lead to a lack of empathy for others. However, where the love and empathy are responded to even those who felt lacking in empathy can have this rekindled.

So, find your empathy and be prepared for others to be empathic with you so that you can create an attuned appropriate response in the here and now, not hampered by the past. Enjoy!

For bespoke in-house as well as open workshops contact Mountain Associates

Coaching and the Client Contract

2008-05-21T03:20:00.000-07:00

I was discussing coaching with someone the other day who had been informed that they could undertake psychotherapy within the coaching session. The rationale for this was based on what the content of the session was. However, it is not the content that makes the difference but the contract and the aim of the work being undertaken. It is not appropriate to undertake psychotherapy with a client when the contract has been for coaching as the aim of coaching is different.

With coaching the aim is to promote the client’s professional development and integrate performance with development. On the other hand the aim of psychotherapy is primarily the development of the individual, regardless of their professional life. Of course, when we develop personally we are also likely to develop professionally, however the aim of these two different fields, coaching and psychotherapy, are different.

I am both a psychotherapist and a coach and believe it is important not to blur the boundary between the two. If someone requires long term psychotherapy I will refer them on to a psychotherapist and remain as their coach.

We all have personal issues that may hamper our professional development, and professional issues that hamper our personal life, or just a lack of professional experience, knowledge or skill. These areas are appropriate to work with as long as the personal issues are not deep seated and cannot be resolved through a here-and-now co-creative intervention. However, where the issue is personal and only related to the client’s personal life, we should not work here, nor should we work with client issues that clearly require longer term psychotherapy, even if we are qualified to do so, as I am. This is because the contract for coaching, with its allied aims, are different to those of therapy. To my mind, at worst, it is a dangerous boundary to cross and, at best, an arrogant altering of the contractual process which could parallel the blurring of a boundary in some other area of the client’s life.

So, even if you have the skills, knowledge and awareness to undertake psychotherapy, doing so in the wrong context highlights a lack of knowledge, awareness and skill in the coaching field.

Let’s celebrate difference and ensure we maintain boundaries between different fields of development.

For further information on coaching and supervision of coaches give us a call on: 44 (0)1455 824475

Know Your Own Pace

2008-04-22T07:25:00.000-07:00

All too often we get into a pace that is not really true to us. I am sure some of you know what I mean by this. Perhaps your personal rhythm is to take your time, go for a walk at lunch time, have a 10 minute break in the mornings and afternoons and see friends in the evening. Then come the deadlines, an increase in workload, the demands of perhaps being freelance, and out goes the knowledge of your own pace.

When walking and climbing the rule is to go at the pace of the slowest person. This way the slowest is not at risk of getting over tired and everyone gets to enjoy the view. This is the same as our pace when working. Some people’s work actually improves under pressure and they can work flat out for periods of time. Others work best when they take breaks and pace themselves and in this way they can continue for longer.

The danger comes when our natural propensity is slower than those colleagues we may work with and the demand may be to catch up – even if this is our own personal demand on ourselves. In these instances it is important to talk to ourselves from the Structuring and Nurturing parts of our here and now Adult mode of behaviour, encouraging us to listen to ourselves, to our own rhythm and check if we feel we are getting out of kilter. If we find we are taking fewer breaks, no lunch, getting into “hurry up” then it is time to take stock and recalibrate. In other words it is time to take a look at the view for while and decide to do something by choice rather than by default. What are we scared of? How come we have adopted a rhythm that is not true for us? Is it the organisational culture we are in? Is it really necessary to adapt to others’ pace? What would happen if we returned to our own pace?

Once we start shifting from our own natural pace there is likely to be less thinking available as we have shifted into an Compliant Child mode as a way of getting on. In truth if we recalibrated then what would happen is that the organisation would get more from us. We would be fresh and able to think more clearly as we would be in the here and now. We would increase our creativity as we would feel safe and not driven.

So, learn to listen to yourself. Learn when and how you work best. For sure, sometimes we probably need to do things we would rather not do but when we work to our own rhythm not other people’s everyone wins.

Have a great time listening to yourself.

Contact Mountain Associates for coaching, in-house courses, and open workshops.

Fire Me, I Made A Mistake!

2008-03-10T06:41:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you made a mistake? Did you beat up on yourself? Did you grovel to the person or people who might have been affected by your actions or did you take the action to put it right and move on? I guess these last points may not be mutually exclusive for some. However, we may need to apologise but this does not mean grovelling. It means taking responsibility for our actions and seeking to remedy what we have done – or not done.

You have probably all heard the Henry Ford story about the employee who made a mistake that cost the company $100,000. He went to Ford and told him what he had done and that Ford should fire him. Wisely Ford responded by saying that he would not fire him as he had $100,000 invested in him now and he would not make the same mistake again. However, many of us seem to forget that when we make a mistake. It is often our own internal voice that punishes us and all too often this voice is harsher than any one else’s.

There is an American expression “Don’t sweat the small stuff”, well, actually we should also not “sweat the large stuff” either. Problem solve, apologise, and check out what we can do to put it right and then learn from the mistake so that it doesn’t happen again. This might mean setting up new systems, or getting extra help, but it does not mean berating ourselves over and over again – how will that help?

So, get resilient. Think before acting, check that systems are in place to ensure the same thing does not happen again. Only take on the amount of work you can take on, rather than letting people down because you took on too much. Take responsibility when, and if, things go wrong. Learn the skills needed to improve performance, and, above all, keep everyone, including ourselves, OK.

Know Where You are Going

2008-02-14T05:59:00.000-08:00

When we are going on holiday we have the route mapped out. We follow the sign-posts and hopefully get there without too much difficulty. On the odd occasion we might take a wrong turning but either our map-reading skills, our enquiries or our sat-nav. will tell us how to get back on the right route.

Somehow though we can be somewhat vague when thinking about life and where we want to get to. We even ask children what they want to do when they grow up, we don’t ask them what they want to create in their lives.

When we go on holiday we have some decisions to make and so it is with our lives. What do we want to create in our life? How will we get there? Will anyone go with us or will we do it on our own? If we get lost what will we do – feel annoyed, give up, become anxious or find the right way for us? All of these things are about choosing options and getting the balance between freedom and responsibility. Too much choice without a structure can be frightening for some, whilst too much responsibility can be overwhelming. Obtaining the right balance for us, as an individual, will help us to create what we want in life.

First we must choose our goal. Goals or visions are about what we want to create in our lives and how we want to be, including our values and ideals etc. When we have developed our vision we can decide what primary decisions we need to make to move toward that vision. When these areas are congruent we will feel in harmony with ourselves and with our life.

What do you want to create in your life?

Using Time

2008-01-10T07:43:00.000-08:00

Perhaps considering how to use our time to the best possible advantage might offer some solutions to stress mangement. Research (de Woet, quoted in Godefroy and Clark 1989, The Complete Time Management System,) shows that we often waste 97% of our energy undertaking tasks that are not appropriate for our performance level. Therefore this only leaves 3% which is at our skill level. Instead we need to delegate tasks to others – secretaries, assistants, colleagues, staff etc.

If we have dreams which we translate into goals and then transform these into tasks this will enable us to make decisions about whether a particular action will get us closer to our dream or further away. We can then only take work that gets us closer to our dream. Of course, eliminating all work which does not get us closer may not be possible straight away, if at all. However, we can minimise it. We just need to take one small step each day toward our dream.

It may be helpful as well to question the script issues that may be involved in the way you wish to spend your life. For some the drive is for acquisitions and material wealth, whereas for others it is about having enough to relax and enjoy themselves, meeting friends, spending time with the family. What do each of your modes say about the way they think you are to spend your life? (Take a look at our Transactional Analysis section on this web site if you would like more information on these concepts).

Celebration also needs to take place at every level (see Concepts for Thriving, Mountain, 2004), otherwise we get depleted. Time management is also about taking time out to get exercise; take care of ourselves with a massage; meet friends; meeting colleagues for mutual support time. All of which often get squeezed out, but which are necessary to obtain balance.

Being Physical!

If we trust our bodies as well as our psyche we are more likely to be in tune with ourselves. One day when doing Quigong I was interrupted. On returning to my exercise I could not remember how to start the move I had left. I did remember the previous move and started there, the next one then just flowed. If our minds don’t remember our bodies will. We need to get in touch with our physical side, listen to what it tells us and then we are more likely to know when we are becoming stressed, or if the next piece of work would push us over the top. Our bodies as well as our minds have the answers, we just need to tune in. Very often we discount our physical signs and rationalise our way into situations rather than listen and consider what our feelings – emotional and physical are telling us.

Worrying tends to effect life-balance. We worry about where we might find the money to meet our financial commitments or what we will do if we get ill and cannot work etc. To worry is to be consumed and obsessed by the question. Whereas, if we are worried about something and consider it attentively, rather than obsessively, we are likely to obtain options and perspective.

Ask yourself:

 What am I worrying about?
 Be prepared to keep asking the question. You can do this when walking, doing the garden etc.
 Follow where the question leads you. If the question changes or another arises go with that one.
 If this practice offers an answer then you can go on to the next question.

A questioning mind, rather than a worrying mind, enables life balance. Further, most of the things we every worry about never happen. If they do happen and we have worried obsessively rather than attentively we are likely to be too tired to deal with it!

We need to trust ourselves, and ensure we expect the best of ourselves and of our workplace.

How will you choose to use your time in 2008?

Being Hosts

2007-12-14T08:36:00.000-08:00

We have just experienced our Russian month. November involved hosting two Russian colleagues at different times as well as going to Russia as we usually do at this time of year. The Russian women were studying here and were hosted by different people. When it came to our turn we chose the places we were going to take them as part of the cultural programme. For Lena, who loves singing, we went to an a cappella singing workshop directed by Una May Olomolaiye. At the first song Lena was so moved she cried as she had not experienced such joy and power before.

With Olga our last Russian guest the Choir Anita attends, also with Una May, were singing at an event. Having been away, Anita was not aware what the event was, but thought Olga would enjoy hearing the choir and Olga said that she wanted to go anyway. So Chris and Olga turned up to what turned out to be a celebration of a woman within the Black community. This celebration was called an “appreciation” of Jenny Solomon, who had been a Youth Director for the region. This was a really moving event. The Black community had turned up in force and included all ages. The evening involved poetry being read to Jenny, songs being sung to her and speeches being made about her. She was definitely the guest of honour and there was so much joy and positive recognition that we could not help but be affected by it. Our choir sang for her and the whole community joined in with gusto.

So why write about this? Well, I think it is pretty clear that appreciation is so important and while a whole evening in someone’s name may not always be possible or appropriate we could certainly do with more of it. We could also do with more of the joy that was present at this event. Yes, there was sadness too, and tears were shed by those who knew Jenny but there was such a feeling of warmth that it seemed okay whatever feelings were being expressed.

As for our Russian guest I think it was a bit overwhelming and way outside of her cultural experience – but one she will never forget.

So, at this time of year when joy is an expectation, how about taking some time to think how, in the coming year, you can appreciate those you know. In the white British culture we tend not to give recognition, even when we have it to give, but if we started to do it, and if it were genuine, we might actually put the “kind” back into human kind, and bring a bit of that joy that can be missing for many.

Stress Management

2007-11-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

One of the things that happens when we are stressed is that we can often start to have obsessive thinking. Our attention becomes focussed on the “What if….” in terms of what might happen and these are usually worse case scenarios. These thoughts in themselves then raise our anxiety and make the situation even more difficult.

Let’s imagine there has been a complaint by a colleague about something you are supposed to have done. In your own eyes you are innocent of this accusation but your employer has decided to take disciplinary measures and the situation is being investigated. At this point you start to believe that there must be something wrong with you, you begin to beat up on yourself and any remaining humour you have is now against yourself e.g. “You’d better write that down as there’s nothing between the ears! Ha, ha, ha!” When laying in bed at night, or during any quiet moment, your thoughts start to go down the negative route of “What if I lose my job? If that happens I will lose the house. I won’t be able to get another job.……………..” etc. etc.

When we start to think like this we are focussed in the future not in the now. By staying in the present we will be less stressed. I recognise that staying present is not necessarily an easy process, but we can train our minds to do this. Every time we start to go down the negative thought route we need to bring ourselves back. It may be that we have been thinking negatively for some time before we even realise what we are doing. However, as soon as we do notice we still need to bring ourselves back to the now. What is real now? Who is here to support us now? Who will I ask for support from now? What can I do now that will help to relax me?

Staying in the present is something that can be eased through meditation. Just sitting in a chair and focussing our minds on the sensation of our bottoms on a chair and to keep returning to this each time we find ourselves wandering off somewhere else, will help train ourselves to stay in the present.

It is important to train, or actually re-train our minds because when we are stressed it seems as if our minds control us, rather than the other way round. We can start to believe that we cannot do anything about these negative thought processes, and this is reflective of not feeling in control of the situation. However, even if others have control over the disciplinary process, for example, we have control over our mind and what we do with it. Therefore it is better to use our energy by being positive because, even if the worst happens, we are more likely to have the energy to deal with it, rather than being already on our beam ends. Further, the worst may not happen anyway and we have wasted our time in worrying.

Okay, in this example, I have talked about a situation where you believe you are innocent. However, even if you have done something wrong there are still ways to deal with the stress of this. One certain way is to own up to the wrong doing so at least you can live with yourself and not spend your energy trying to cover up something.

On an individual level staying present is, of course, only one way to deal with stress. In addition, measures also need to be taken by the organisation itself to ensure the workforce are supported.

For more information on stress management contact Mountain Associates and see how we can support your workforce: ta@mountain-associates.co.uk

Going The Extra Mile

2007-10-09T01:39:00.000-07:00

During a training the trainer programme we discussed the concept of “going the extra mile”, i.e. doing something extra for a client that was not contracted for. One example, an electrician has a job to put electricity down to a shed at the bottom of a garden. Whilst there the house owner says “Oh, whilst you’re here would you mind just putting up a new light fitting for me?”. The electrician thinks that this is good for business and agrees to do it. It takes half an hour of his time, for which he does not charge, but he is late home that night which is the third night in succession that this sort has happened. At the end of the year when the contractor is questioned by accountant about how many of the give-away jobs are undertaken they tot up the total to a colossal £20,000 in lost revenue and time.

So, is this a good thing or not?

In Transactional Analysis terms we could think of it in terms of script. The script is a life plan that we make as children based on limited life experience. These decisions can have positive or negative affects. When a child hears messages such as “Go on, have a go, I will be there to support you” they are likely to develop confidence and abilities in a range of areas as their belief systems will be about taking calculated risks, being okay if they fail etc. How different this would be to the child who hears “Don’t be stupid, you’ll never be able to do that”. As children we then make decisions based on this limited experience and then, outside our awareness, we live our lives according to those early decisions.

So, let’s get back to the “extra mile”. If I have a contract with an organisation and then, on a number of occasions, they ask me to complete forms that are outside the contract and take up to half an hour of my time, what should I do? If I agree to writing reports for a company at no charge because I think this will be good for Mountain Associates then this may be an effective use of my time and money. However, if I don’t re-contract with the client company it is likely that they have no awareness that I am doing it over and above the original contract so the benefit for Mountain Associates is lost. In effect, I am saying, to the client company, that breaking a contractual boundary is fine and I am likely to end up feeling resentful as a result of the extra unpaid time and effort on my part. In addition the client is also more likely to do this again. On the other hand it may be that I am completing the forms because I think I “should”, not because we have made a business case for doing so. Perhaps my parents expected me to do things for others, or, I found that if I did things for others then they seemed to like me more, it is probable that I may continue to do this even when it is not appropriate.

How many times have you run over on a time boundary legitimising it as offering the client something that other consultants don’t do, or even that your train is not for another hour and you can fit in a bit longer with the client etc. On deeper exploration we can often find we have done so because we believed we “should”, or we wanted to be liked, not because in the here-and-now we firmly believe it is good for our business.

The problem with “going the extra mile” is when we do so in script not because we think it is good for business. The decision does not come from here-and-now Adult ego state and we are discounting ourselves and our value. Add up all the times you have done something because you thought you “should” and check whether you feel resentful.

We need to balance out doing things for free with the business case for doing so. If your exploration into the amount of time and energy you put into “going the extra mile” leaves you severely out of pocket and resentful I would suggest you might be in script.

I am not suggesting however, that there should be a business case made for everything we do for free for others. That is not the point. Businesses thrive on good will and good service. I am sure we can all remember the time a restaurant owner made us something special because of some dietary problem, or a store assistant carried something out to the car, or someone did not charge us for a broken appointment. These instances restore our faith in human nature, let along make good business sense. However, when we do things that are in script this can be bad for business and bad for us, as boundaries get broken which can have a detrimental affect on all concerned. That is why all of us in business for ourselves need to develop an awareness of script and our own script beliefs so that we can be here-and-now in the decision-making processes.

Being Present

2007-09-04T01:14:00.000-07:00

When coaching or training people I frequently find that people are anxious over things that have not yet happened. These anxieties would be eased if people stayed with what is rather than what could happen. For example, the world markets are currently struggling due to the financial crisis in the USA. This situation could apparently lead us into a “bear” situation, that is a situation where markets fall and remain there for the foreseeable future. So, what do most people do – yes, worry. How does that help? They lose sleep at night, become agitated and snappy and decision-making becomes more difficult due to wariness let alone sleepiness. It is different if we consider the appropriate actions we could take and then take them. Worrying never actually got anyone anywhere, except worn out! Staying here and now is one way to avoid worrying.

Eastern philosophies have a lot to teach us about staying present. Meditation teaches us to remain in the moment, ignoring our thoughts which tend to keep us in our heads and out of our bodies. When we are in tune with our selves we are more likely to be in tune with others and with what needs to be done.

Becoming agitated and worried tends serves to move us more into our heads and away from a true sense of ourselves. When we stay with what is, stay connected with others and with our selves then we are more likely to be rested and flexible if / when difficulties do arise. Very often most of the things we have been worrying about don’t happen and yet we may have spent hours being uptight about it, which also wears us out.

Some years ago I read a story about the “precious present” and about a young man who discovered the meaning and the art of being in the present. Being in the present is precious as it holds so much more than the anxiety route. Having goals is great but we can only plan so far. If we hold on too tightly to these goals we can prevent flexibility let alone trust. But how to trust and who to trust? Trust in ourselves is the starting point. Many of us don’t trust. We don’t trust our bodies and what they tell us as we often try to over-ride the information. One way we do this is to rush. Rushing and hurrying up prevents us from getting in touch with now. What do I feel now, what do I think now, what action will I take now? If I don’t get in touch with now how will I know what action I need to take?

Many people are afraid to get in touch with now as they may need to move on from a situation they have been denying for too long. Being in the now is scary for many people as it means saying hello to themselves. It also means really listening to other people and experiencing them in the now, rather than what we project on to them. If I am now I really have to see you and learn who you are, rather than who I want you to be. I have to put all my prejudices and assumptions about others down and be prepared to experience anew. Berne said that “In order to say Hello, you first get rid of all the trash that has accumulated in your head ever since you came home from the maternity ward……..” ( Berne E. 1984, What Do You Say After You Say Hello, p4). This fits with Scott Peck’s theories on communities and relationships –

• Pseudocommunity is when we are conflict avoiding and people can get away with generalisations, and individuals tend to keep their feelings to themselves.
• Chaos is when people attempt to heal or convert others. There is often a vying for leadership. People attempt to Rescue, Persecute of become Victims and this reinforces their view of the world and the situation becomes chaotic.The motivation is to win, as this is about survival for whose norm will prevail. The arguments and struggle go nowhere as participants are not actually listening to each other.
• Emptiness. Other than moving out of the chaos into organisation, the other way to go is through what Peck call emptiness. This is the hardest part and was the point of the chaos stage, which was to resist being here. This is about moving into effective communication and in order to do so then people need to put down their defences. This, for Scott Peck means emptying ourselves of:
o Expectations and preconceptions
o Prejudices, Ideology, Theology and Solutions
o The Need to Heal, Convert, Fix, or Solve
o The Need to Control

• Community. When in this stage the group is quieter and more peaceful. People listen to each other, solve problems and resolve conflicts. Part of the task may be to decide whether to continue or not. Some groups may go back to previous stages and if this occurs it may be easier for some groups to go into authoritarian processes and forget about having a fun in the relationships. In this process they put task and productivity over their individual and the group's development. Whilst this stage offers more happiness it can also be more uncomfortable as conflicts are out in the open, but there is also the willingness to resolve differences. (Scott Peck, 1987, A Different Drum)

So, in their different ways both Berne and Peck both argue for staying in the present. The western culture tends to give recognition to thinking as opposed to feeling and to staying in touch with the now. If we want a more peaceful and healthy life let’s make sure that East meets West and we find ways to say Hello to ourselves and others in the now.

Being Assertive

2007-08-08T08:01:00.001-07:00

Being Assertive

So many times when coaching individuals, or working in teams, people tell me that they cannot be OK with others when others do things that are wrong or when the other person or people treat them as not OK. However, if we treat others as if they are not OK then this is likely to just escalate the difficulty. This happens the world over from the micro to the macro – and where does it get us? It gets us into conflict on a local to an international scale.

Staying OK/OK with ourselves and others means believing that we all have a right to be in the world, it is what we do with those rights that is important.

Transactional Analysis is a method to improve communication and as such it is important to treat others well, even when they are not being so with us. When this occurs we can “cross the transaction”, namely invite them to respond to us in an OK/OK way. For example, I was giving facilitating what the organisation called a “masterclass” on motivation when a participant said very aggressively that I had not mentioned money as a motivator. At this point I had choices – I could become aggressive and respond accordingly, I could become compliant and feel put down, or I could cross his transaction which was from Criticising Mode to my Compliant Mode. I took the latter option and responded from my Accounting Adult mode “No, that’s right, would you like to know how come I haven’t done that?” At this point he either had to say “Yes” or “No”. I was inviting the participant to come and join me in Adult by asking him a question and contracting with him about what he wanted. Having said “Yes” I informed him of my rational and then moved the dialogue from him to other people in the audience and onto another topic. This same participant made similar comments twice more during the seminar and I was able to keep myself and him okay.

There are times when we need to put in the boundary more overtly than I did on that occasion, and at these times we still need to come from an OK/OK place. In this way we can say that someone has gone over a boundary but not ridicule them or be abusive either. In my experience coaching and training leaders and managers as well as working with shopfloor workforce, this ability to keep in relationship, respecting people and yet still be able to discipline people is a must for a productive organisation. This is more likely to encourage loyalty and increase production as everyone experiences fairness and equanimity.

For more on Okayness take a look at our information on TA on our web site.

Getting Buy-In to Decision Making at Work

2007-06-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

How many times at a meeting do you leave wondering if everyone is really going to do what they say they will do?

Here is a brief outline of how to check this out with people.

1. Existence - First clearly outline the issue that has brought about the discussion. Do all parties agree that it needs discussing? If not then the discussion has to be at this level to ensure that everyone is on board with even having the discussion. Without this individuals may sabotage the process.
2. Seriousness - Once everyone agrees that the topic needs discussing then you can move on to the seriousness of the issue i.e. the importance or place it takes at the moment. At this stage, if everyone agrees that there is an issue to discuss and it is sufficiently important then you can move on, if not you will need to return to (1) to ensure that everyone agrees that an issue exists
3. Change Possibilities – Having discussed the issue you can now move on to agreeing what options there are for change. At this stage you will need to check that everyone agrees that change is possible and that there are options. Whilst people rarely say “There are no options” they may well say things like “We’ve tried this before” or “They would never allow that” or other “Yes but….. ” type answers. If this happens you will need to return to the seriousness level and ask questions to establish whether they still agree there is an issue and that it is sufficiently important to take some action about.
4. Personal Ability – This is the stage where you have to decide who will do what and by when. If someone says they will do it, but without conviction, you will need to check their level of commitment or confidence in undertaking the task. Reluctance can lead to sabotage of the process, so ensuring people really do agree to take the action and are motivated is important. If individuals are not willing or confident to take action then the previous levels will need to be returned to.

The point of this checklist is to avoid the tedious outcome where you think you have all agreed something only to find that action is not taken because everyone thought someone else was doing it, they had other priorities, they did not believe change was possible or that they had the ability to do it. Taking time at the meeting is better than waiting six months to find out that nothing has happened.

All of these levels need to considered and discussed in a non-threatening way so people to share their views.

To find out how to improve your communication sign up for our two-day Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis course, to be held on 11/12 September, 2007.

Contact Mountain Associates - www.mountain-associates.co.uk/ta101.html

2007-06-06T06:53:00.000-07:00

Perception and Communication

How we perceive the world affects how we are with others, the decisions we make and how we create what happens to us.

For example, we were recently working in Russia and were taken out to a rather touristy show, some of which was dreadful, but most, interesting. There were Russian folk songs, Cossack dancing and Russian folk music, all of which I thoroughly enjoyed. On talking about the show to our host, Olga, she discussed how much this show bought up memories of her childhood. Her whole village would make the opportunity to sing and dance on the streets. Tables would be brought out and food provided by everyone for everyone. Today this does not happen and Olga was seeing the show through her own eyes and the memories it brought back to her. We, on the other hand were experiencing the performances as examples of Russian folk history and music and because we did not have any personal experiences to go back to purely saw the show in the here and now.

So, what has this to do with work? At work we are all aiming to communicate and very often it goes awry. Often this is because we all have different perceptions of the same issue and even the same experience – just like Olga and I and how we were experiencing the show. Frankie Armstrong, a singer, songwriter, author and performer said that we don’t see “with our eyes we see through our eyes”. We all bring our history, experiences, culture and expectations to the table when we communicate and problem solve. Perhaps if we accepted this fact we might we might be more tolerant and interested in how come the other person thinks or says something rather than trying to beat them over the head with what we believe or think.

Diversity enables us to co-create imaginative responses as long as we are willing to put down our prejudices and expectations and see who is before us.