Making the Shift

How often do you feel that the other person you are relating has the upper hand in the dialogue?  Perhaps your role is new to that organisation, or your ideas don’t seem to fit in with that culture.  At such times the temptation is to either withdraw or fight.  Neither option is really effective.  Instead here’s an idea for you. 

I have just been facilitating a seminar for directors and shared with them this idea which was found to be valuable.   

You are sharing your opinion about a project with someone who discounts you and your views.  They seem to misunderstand you, your role and/or your perspective.  Rather than feeling angry or demoralised I invite you to consider this as an educational issue and keep yourself and them okay.  Then, having done a quick bit of positive internal self-talk, go for the idea of a mini-contracting process with them.   Let’s say the person you are talking with is called Peter and you are Chris.  Here’s what it might look like:

Peter: (Discounting your and your professional and organisational role) We’ve got this issue sorted really.  What you are offering doesn’t really fit with our frame of reference but I’m sure we can find a way of appeasing X/Y on this one.

Chris:  Mmm, that’s good information for me (keeping self & Peter OK).  As I’m new to this organisation/role would it be worth you taking an hour of your time to find out what I do and the impact on (sales/culture/community/customers etc.)? (A question that invites Peter to account rather than discount).  We could also discuss the relationship between our roles.  Would that be sufficiently important for you to put time aside? (Assessing the reality of the importance to Peter).

Peter:  Well, I guess it would.

Chris:  So, how are you fixed for …….. at ……? Shall I come here? 

Peter:  Yes, that’s fine.

Chris:  What might get in the way of that meeting?

Peter:  Well, X/Y could.

Chris:  Okay then, let’s reschedule at a time when you’ll be clear of any other pressures.         When would that be? (This last transaction helps to avoid sabotage).

This mini-contracting process is helpful because you are asking questions that need a “Yes” or “No” response.  In reality it is hard for someone to say “no” they’re not interested and you are also checking that they are not going to set up a meeting then cancel it.  It’s helpful if you can find something that they need to be cognisant of which might be sales, impact, budgets etc. so that they can see the benefits of meeting with you.  On the other hand, if they were to say “No” then at least you know where you are and you are then free to consider a different strategy. 

When you remain in the Mindful Process you will have more thinking available.  You are also more likely to hook the other person’s Mindful Process i.e. thinking, awareness, connection (for further details of the OK Modes Model which has Mindful at its heart see our book Working Together, Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance.  Information on our website:  www.mountain-associates.co.uk).

Ø      When did this type of contracting process pay off for you? 

Ø      When, by keeping yourself and the other person OK, did you engage and enable effective communication?

We are available for in-house training and coaching.  In the meantime find out more about our approach and how we can be of assistance to you by purchasing "Working Together".  See Amazon.co.uk for reviews and download a free chapter from our website:  www.mountain-associates.co.uk.  We also facilitate open-workshops and Anita Mountain is available to speak at your event.