From Passivity to Action

Are you one of those people who say things like “It’s hot in here” rather than “I would like to open the window, would anyone have any objections?”. Or perhaps you come in and the washing up is not done and you thought your partner would have done it as they were off all day. Resentfully, you set to and wash up. Alternatively you come in to work, Mavis is off sick and no one has organised who will do the lunch shift. You offer to do it and then are over-stretched and end up feeling victim to the situation.

These types of situations are about passivity and are non-problem solving behaviours and they all involve discounting – ignoring or denying some aspect of self, others or the situation.

There are five types of passivity:

• Doing nothing
• Over-adaptation
• Agitation
• Incapacitation
• Violence (the original version links this with incapacitation)

Doing nothing occurs when we have a difficulty but we are doing nothing to resolve it. We are not talking about it nor taking action. This would be the case if I were hot and did nothing to resolve it.

Over-adaptation is when we undertake actions we think someone else would want us to be doing, rather than thinking for ourselves. We might be motivated to do this for “a quiet life”, because we think “They won’t like us if we don’t” etc.

Agitation occurs when we have perhaps tried to over-adapt to someone else but we have not received the recognition we are seeking. We might then begin to tap our fingers or feet, pace up and down and so on. Again this does nothing to actually solve the problem and there is even less thinking available at this stage.

Once we get to the level of incapacitation there is even less thinking available. We may have gone off sick from work, passed out, or been so angry we are incapable of talking.

Violence may then occur is we have still not met our needs and believe that we are not being understood. However, we have not actually done anything to be understood or tried to understand anyone else’s perspective. Violence is often thought of as physical but it may actually be an abusive email or letter. Take for example the person who hangs up the phone on Janice. Janice calls back because she thinks she has been cut off as she had only just said “Hello” when Barry answered the phone. On calling back Janice gets the answer-phone, and, being confused because Barry had just spoken to her suggests that he call her back when he is ready as this may have been a bad time. Barry then sends an email in capital letters (which denotes shouting) saying he feels angry that she has insulted him, but gives no explanation how Janice had done this. He says that he does not want her to contact him again and she will just have to go through someone else if she wants anything as he won’t be treated like this. This sort of response is passive and does nothing to resolve the difficulties he is experiencing with Janice as she is not aware of what she has done and how she can rectify it.

To move from passivity to action we first have to believe that:

• we are important,
• other people have a right to be heard and understood, but not at our own expense
• we can solve problems
• we can stay in relationship – if the other person is willing
• we need to seek to understand the other person
• we need to get rid of all the “trash” in our heads that we have accumulated since the maternity ward (Berne E, 1984ed. What Do You Say After You Say Hello?, Corgi, p4)
• keep ourselves and the other person OK



Call us now for coaching, consultancy, bespoke training programmes and open workshops

Staying in Touch

How easy or difficult is it for you to stay in touch with your feelings and with someone else’s feelings? One of the difficulties for us when communicating is in how to be empathic with the other person. We tend to be busy thinking about what we want and how to get it, rather than with understanding the other person. Really excellent empathic responses come from a deeper sense of the other person, and is perhaps closer to the word “attunement” than to empathy. Our ability to be attuned to the other should not mean that we have to give up what we want, but it does mean that we need to consider the impact we have on others, and to do this we need to actively listen as well as seek understanding.

When we are busy trying to “convert” people to what we think that we can miss them. If we miss the other person we also miss out because we have not made connection and developed relationship. We have therefore probably not put down all the “trash we have accumulated since the maternity ward” (Berne E. 1984, What Do You Say After You Say Hello?).

However, being empathic is also enabled on the other person’s part if they are willing to communicate with us, and are able to accept our empathic responses. When the other person is aloof, or cut off in some way then the ability to be empathic and attuned is hampered.

Let’s take the example of caring for someone who is ill. For some people illness may mean that they withdraw and cut-off. When this happens the carer is more likely to experience higher stress levels as they are unable to stay in touch with the person who is unwell and, in turn, they can become increasingly debilitated and tired. How different it is when the person who is ill is willing and able to be responsive. Although tired the carer will feel heard and responded to which helps their own process and energy levels.

Whilst this is a more extreme example than just daily communication it does highlight the need for communication to be two-way (or more). Communication, caring and empathy are co-created with givers and receivers. Both the giver and the receiver need to stay in touch with themselves – their own needs and wants, as well as the other’s needs and wants, and find ways to exchange. This will be a more rewarding process than one where a person cuts offs or negates the empathic or attuned response.

Continued caring for someone who is not able to give back can encouraged “burnout” and lead to a lack of empathy for others. However, where the love and empathy are responded to even those who felt lacking in empathy can have this rekindled.

So, find your empathy and be prepared for others to be empathic with you so that you can create an attuned appropriate response in the here and now, not hampered by the past. Enjoy!



For bespoke in-house as well as open workshops contact Mountain Associates