Using Our Intuition

Sometimes I wonder how people can live with themselves when they intentionally “pull the rug” from underneath someone. You know the type of thing I’m sure. Perhaps you want to discuss something with other people and find a way forward that would be of benefit to others, to the group or the organization. At the meeting someone agrees to take a certain action only to do something behind your back that means that they either take the credit for an action or in some way “get one over” on you.

In my view this is anti-social behaviour and is negatively competitive and designed to be a win/lose outcome. In some circles this behaviour can be the norm and may even be encouraged and admired. However for those that invested their trust the fall out from such anti-social action can be tremendous, causing individuals to feel frustrated, betrayed and helpless. In organizations where this might happen on a regular basis creativity and productivity will decrease as energy is expended on self-protection.

This competitive (rather than cooperative and cocreative) behaviour shows that the competitor feels threatened and the only way to “win” is to play games where someone else loses. This behaviour indicates that they are in fact frightened and learned to con and manipulate their way through life – in other words to get others before, from their own perspective, they are “got”. In order to do this they must be objectifying another person or people since “we don’t hurt people, we hurt objects”. (Kohlrieser G, 2006).

However, what can you do about such actions when you experience being conned and manipulated? Firstly, go and see the other people who have been part of the game and discuss what happened. Front it up, don’t run away and feel cornered. If you are feeling bad then others may be feeling the same or even perhaps think that you were part of the negative process. When engaged in meetings to discuss process it can be helpful to volunteer vulnerability with others. This means remaining potent and believing that you are OK, and expressing what you are feeling where and when appropriate. If meeting with others is, for some reason, not an option then working out where you discounted the situation in some way and what other options you might have had will be a learning process for the future.

I do not believe it an option to say to ourselves “There you are you see I knew I shouldn’t trust anyone!” or “The world’s a dangerous place and I won’t take any initiatives again” etc. This will only serve to harm us and our lives. There are trustworthy people out there and we need to go and find them and polish up our antennae for “charming manipulators” who con their way through life.

The First Nation tribes in North America have a saying that “We ignore our intuition at our peril”, so let’s make sure we use ours and then check this out with our rational and effective thinking.

So consider whether you:

 Believe it necessary to control or dominate others
 Find other people irritating and want them to go away
 Like to take the credit for joint ventures
 Feel persecutory toward others sometimes
 Feel a victim sometimes
 Feel helpless when difficulties arise
 Lose sleep when certain people are going to be involved in meetings and/or tasks
 Distrust others to the point that you have decided not to express yourself

All of these are indicators that someone is taking up a not OK life position. That is, you may be making yourself or someone else not OK, or someone is trying to make you not OK. You don’t have to play this game. Instead respect others’ right to be in the world and maintain boundaries. When all else fails, learn from the situation and keep yourself feeling OK and other OK even if you have to challenge their behaviour.


If you experience stress and difficulties at work then one option is to undertake coaching with Mountain Associates. For information on coaching, training and consultancy contact +44 (0) 1455 824475 or take a look at our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 15-17 June 2010 which offers insights into human behaviour and options for development.

Power and Control

If you are the sort of person who becomes irritated and snappy easily, or you know someone who does, this often appears from the outside to be coming from an I’m OK and You’re not OK position. However, let’s look a bit deeper.

You may be someone who believes that they have to take care of others and be the one who makes things right. If this is the case then it maybe that your feelings of resentment and lack of time for fun are displaced and you become more and more controlling as a way of keeping everything in place – or so it seems. In the end one situation reinforces the next and before you know it you may believe that if you weren’t in control of things everything would fall apart – work, home, friendships etc. This, in itself creates its own tensions.

Very often people who are controlling find other people who believe they need to be looked after and so a co-dependent relationship is established. However, inside the person who appears to be in the control seat may actually be scared. The more scared they are the more controlling they may become and their scared feelings never get addressed. The basic existential life position may be I’m not OK and You’re not OK either.

If you are aware that you do this, or that you are fairly obsessive, then it is time to take stock. Let go a bit, see that others can also share power and control and things can be okay. If you are still fearful then do go and see a coach or psychotherapist who will have the skills to support you to change and grow so that you make the most of life and enjoy it.

Of course, not everyone who is controlling has the fundamental life position of I’m not OK and You’re not OK, so establishing which life position you, or the person who is controlling, is largely coming from will be helpful as the interventions will be different for different people. Therefore uncovering the basic beliefs about self, others and life, is an important step in awareness and then change. However, it is important to know where you are going and why you want to get there as this offers motivation and hope. This in itself provides the momentum to move toward rather than just moving away from something.

So, ask yourself whether you are over controlling, or if you are at times and what these times may be about. Then consider which life position you may be coming from (see the notes on the Transactional Analysis concept of OKayness on our web site: http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/life_positions.html ). Having done this know that this is not a fact but a belief about self and others and that you can change this so that your relationships improve and life is easier. Suffering is optional so you can make the changes you need to make and get the help you need to do so if this is scary for you. If you are reluctant to make the changes so that you are largely in the life position of I’m OK and You’re OK, then consider why you might be resistant. This resistance is telling you something that you may need to deal with first so that you feel safe to make the changes you want to make.

So, the next time you may be snappy with a work colleague, or at home with the family or friends, then ask yourself what it is about and find out if there is anything beneath this irritability that needs dealing with.

Have a safe journey!


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