Using Our Intuition

Sometimes I wonder how people can live with themselves when they intentionally “pull the rug” from underneath someone. You know the type of thing I’m sure. Perhaps you want to discuss something with other people and find a way forward that would be of benefit to others, to the group or the organization. At the meeting someone agrees to take a certain action only to do something behind your back that means that they either take the credit for an action or in some way “get one over” on you.

In my view this is anti-social behaviour and is negatively competitive and designed to be a win/lose outcome. In some circles this behaviour can be the norm and may even be encouraged and admired. However for those that invested their trust the fall out from such anti-social action can be tremendous, causing individuals to feel frustrated, betrayed and helpless. In organizations where this might happen on a regular basis creativity and productivity will decrease as energy is expended on self-protection.

This competitive (rather than cooperative and cocreative) behaviour shows that the competitor feels threatened and the only way to “win” is to play games where someone else loses. This behaviour indicates that they are in fact frightened and learned to con and manipulate their way through life – in other words to get others before, from their own perspective, they are “got”. In order to do this they must be objectifying another person or people since “we don’t hurt people, we hurt objects”. (Kohlrieser G, 2006).

However, what can you do about such actions when you experience being conned and manipulated? Firstly, go and see the other people who have been part of the game and discuss what happened. Front it up, don’t run away and feel cornered. If you are feeling bad then others may be feeling the same or even perhaps think that you were part of the negative process. When engaged in meetings to discuss process it can be helpful to volunteer vulnerability with others. This means remaining potent and believing that you are OK, and expressing what you are feeling where and when appropriate. If meeting with others is, for some reason, not an option then working out where you discounted the situation in some way and what other options you might have had will be a learning process for the future.

I do not believe it an option to say to ourselves “There you are you see I knew I shouldn’t trust anyone!” or “The world’s a dangerous place and I won’t take any initiatives again” etc. This will only serve to harm us and our lives. There are trustworthy people out there and we need to go and find them and polish up our antennae for “charming manipulators” who con their way through life.

The First Nation tribes in North America have a saying that “We ignore our intuition at our peril”, so let’s make sure we use ours and then check this out with our rational and effective thinking.

So consider whether you:

 Believe it necessary to control or dominate others
 Find other people irritating and want them to go away
 Like to take the credit for joint ventures
 Feel persecutory toward others sometimes
 Feel a victim sometimes
 Feel helpless when difficulties arise
 Lose sleep when certain people are going to be involved in meetings and/or tasks
 Distrust others to the point that you have decided not to express yourself

All of these are indicators that someone is taking up a not OK life position. That is, you may be making yourself or someone else not OK, or someone is trying to make you not OK. You don’t have to play this game. Instead respect others’ right to be in the world and maintain boundaries. When all else fails, learn from the situation and keep yourself feeling OK and other OK even if you have to challenge their behaviour.


If you experience stress and difficulties at work then one option is to undertake coaching with Mountain Associates. For information on coaching, training and consultancy contact +44 (0) 1455 824475 or take a look at our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 15-17 June 2010 which offers insights into human behaviour and options for development.

I Take Care of You So That You Take Care Of Me

Here is another blog which has some links with last months.

Are you the sort of person who likes to look after others? Do you like to pre-empt other’s needs and take care of them? Do you feel alone or abandoned when not looking after others? If so, then you might end up feeling fearful and, in addition, a victim of others who take advantage of you. This is probably not your intention, but it is likely to be an outcome. When we continuously put others before ourselves this may cover the belief that we are only OK as long as we are looking after others, whilst in return we expect them to be nice to us and look after us in some way.

How many times at work have you said “yes” to taking on another task when you know that doing so will mean that you feel overwhelmed and have to work extra hours? You might rationalise this by saying to yourself “At least this means they value me”, or “At least I don’t have the think about being alone at home as I will need to work late”. Thus these “yes’s” enable us to avoid developing a friendship network, or ensuring our home life is satisfying.

If we have developed this particular way of being we need to tell ourselves that we are important – and sometimes more important, than other people. As a way to remember this let’s take the analogy of aircrew on any flight anywhere in the world. The first thing the aircrew do is tell us how to put on our life jackets and to put these on first, before helping the elderly, frail or young with theirs. The rationale for this is that we need to be prepared for any emergency so that we are available to support others. In everyday life our “life-jacket” is the nurture and care we need to give ourselves. We need to like ourselves, be happy with our own company and have confidence in who we are. With this “life-jacket” we are able to set boundaries as well as give and receive support in a balanced way.

If we are saying “yes” as a way of avoiding dealing with something then we need to ask ourselves: “If things go on as they are how will I be?” and “If things get worse, how will I be?”, and then “Is this okay with me and if not what options do I have?”

We need to see how we feel about the answers to these questions and then decide what action to take. Thoughtful and caring action will enable us to deal with difficult situations. We may need to get support and talk to someone else, not to get the answers from them but as a sounding board. In this way we can get control of our own lives and take our own power to have more of the life we need and want.

Life is all about inter-dependence - not co-dependence, which is what we get when we take a passive rather than pro-active stance. So, do it today, get your life-jacket on and life will get richer.


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