Some of you may know that in Transactional Analysis a definition of a “game” is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome. In other words you will be able to describe a game by saying when they do ………., I do ……….., then they do………….then ………happens and I end up feeling ………. (of course, you might have initiated the transactions). So by the end of the game you might find yourself saying something like “Why does this always happen to me?”, or “How did that happen again?”
When someone else initiates a game one way to keep out of it is to notice the discount. Every game starts with a discount. To discount something is to ignore or deny some aspect of reality, this is done outside our awareness. For example, someone might say something and there appear to be two messages going on – one at the social, or surface level and the other at the ulterior, or psychological level. Here’s what someone may say: “Where is that report you said you would do by today?” On the surface it sounds like just a factual question, but add in a tone that says you are late with this, then the whole thing sounds and feels totally different.
When face to face, it is often easier to notice these two levels as the content and the tone of voice are not congruent. However, how do you pick this up in an email? One way is to look for a communication that hints at something else other than what is in the content. Here are some ideas of questions to ask yourself:
• Is the other person clear about what they want?
• Do they have any right to make this request or demand?
• Do they ignore or deny some aspect of reality? In other words are they putting you, someone else, the situation or themselves down?
• How do I feel about what they are saying?
• Does the tone of the communication remind me of anything or anyone from my past?
• If so, how will I unhook myself from the past situation and/or person so that I can respond in a mindful, here and now way?
• Do I have a sense that there is something or someone else behind the surface-level communication with this person?
• What is the outcome I want?
• Have they stated the final outcome they want?
• Do I feel I’m in a monologue rather than a dialogue?
If you are unclear about any of these questions then you need to be more considered in your response and seek clarification from the other person or people. You might ask them for clarification of a point for example, or check what their interest might be in what you are doing, saying etc. so that you find out the intention behind their actions. In other words get the contract clear so that you will all know when you have agreed the end point and the actions necessary to achieve this outcome.
There are many other aspects to avoiding game playing but I thought it would be helpful to outline ways to spot a discounting process. Just taking the time out to ask yourself these questions will slow down the process and give you time to make a more considered response that is more likely to avoid getting into a game. All of which is likely to lead you to a happier more contented working life.
Happy discount spotting!
Let us know about discounts that you have been involved in and what you did to get straight communication. Please be respectful to others and keep them OK in the process as we play games outside of our awareness. It's always best to talk about your own discount or talk generally without naming, shaming or blaming others.
Find out more about how to improve relationships and communication with others and buy our book: Working Together: Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, to be published by Gower in July, or come on our next Advance Communication Skills, level 1 (incorporating The Official Introduction to TA) on 14-16 June and again on 22-24 November, 2011. For more details go to our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Showing posts with label games. Show all posts
Showing posts with label games. Show all posts
Friday, 3 June 2011
Monday, 20 September 2010
How Come I'm Here Again?
The other day I was talking to a friend, Sally, who was telling me about a conversation she had with a potential mentor. During the meeting the supervisor asked Sally, a number of questions which were not relevant to the discussion and appeared to be more about their own curiosity. For example, “Have you approached X or Y to be a mentor?” This question was not relevant to their meeting and whilst it might have been disguised as “I’m only trying to help you” could have led to difficulties as Sally was then invited to discuss other possibilities and therefore other people, which in turn could have led to making other people not OK. As Sally is advanced in her field, and has lived in the area for some time, it is clear that she would know other mentors within her specialism. The only relevant issue in this particular situation was whether this proposed mentor and Sally could get on and would choose to work together
So what was going on? Who knows really? Without asking the proposed mentor that question we may never know. However, it could be that they needed strokes for who they were or what they did and one way to illicit this without asking directly, was to check out who else had Sally thought of approaching and why didn't they go with someone else. They might of course, also had a low opinion of themselves and wanted to check out if they were the only person who would consider taking this person on! However, ther rationale behind the questions is less relevant than what to do about it.
When someone asks you a question that you are not sure about and which does not appear to be relevant, you can respond with questions such as “What is your interest in this?”, or “How is this helpful for this discussion?” (said from the Accounting Mode of behaviour – see our website for further explanation of this model). If there is a clear here-and-now reason for the other person’s statements or questions then their answer will illuminate their thinking and you can proceed to answer or not, as is appropriate.
When we discount (ignore or deny) some aspect of reality we are, outside of our awareness, inviting others into a game. A game in Transactional Analysis terms is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome. This is that sort of process whereby we say things like: “Why does this always happen to me?”, or “I was only trying to help” etc.
We play games for a variety of reasons: to give us something to talk about; because we want strokes (recognition) for who we are and/or what we do; as a failed attempt at intimacy; to reinforce our frame of reference about ourselves, others and life. Unfortunately there is usually a negative pay-off at the end and we can be left asking "How come I'm here again?"
In order to avoid initiating or getting into game playing with others we first of all need to spot the discount in the opening statement and respond appropriately from Accounting Mode - see our website for an explanation of this model. If we are considering asking someone a question, or making a statement about ourselves or others, over which we may have a slight sense of unease, then we need to ask ourselves “for whom is this relevant?” Clarifying this question is a helpful part of any discussion. This is particularly important when coaching, counselling or mentoring someone.
This is only one aspect of game playing but we do need to pay attention to our own, or others opening statements and questions. For those who get into playing games quite frequently it is also important to consider how you might obtain your strokes if you are not involved in playing games.
Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 3-5 November, 2010. The Institute of Developmental TA has their next one-day conference on 30 October, see their website for further information www.instdta.org .
So what was going on? Who knows really? Without asking the proposed mentor that question we may never know. However, it could be that they needed strokes for who they were or what they did and one way to illicit this without asking directly, was to check out who else had Sally thought of approaching and why didn't they go with someone else. They might of course, also had a low opinion of themselves and wanted to check out if they were the only person who would consider taking this person on! However, ther rationale behind the questions is less relevant than what to do about it.
When someone asks you a question that you are not sure about and which does not appear to be relevant, you can respond with questions such as “What is your interest in this?”, or “How is this helpful for this discussion?” (said from the Accounting Mode of behaviour – see our website for further explanation of this model). If there is a clear here-and-now reason for the other person’s statements or questions then their answer will illuminate their thinking and you can proceed to answer or not, as is appropriate.
When we discount (ignore or deny) some aspect of reality we are, outside of our awareness, inviting others into a game. A game in Transactional Analysis terms is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome. This is that sort of process whereby we say things like: “Why does this always happen to me?”, or “I was only trying to help” etc.
We play games for a variety of reasons: to give us something to talk about; because we want strokes (recognition) for who we are and/or what we do; as a failed attempt at intimacy; to reinforce our frame of reference about ourselves, others and life. Unfortunately there is usually a negative pay-off at the end and we can be left asking "How come I'm here again?"
In order to avoid initiating or getting into game playing with others we first of all need to spot the discount in the opening statement and respond appropriately from Accounting Mode - see our website for an explanation of this model. If we are considering asking someone a question, or making a statement about ourselves or others, over which we may have a slight sense of unease, then we need to ask ourselves “for whom is this relevant?” Clarifying this question is a helpful part of any discussion. This is particularly important when coaching, counselling or mentoring someone.
This is only one aspect of game playing but we do need to pay attention to our own, or others opening statements and questions. For those who get into playing games quite frequently it is also important to consider how you might obtain your strokes if you are not involved in playing games.
Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 3-5 November, 2010. The Institute of Developmental TA has their next one-day conference on 30 October, see their website for further information www.instdta.org .
Monday, 19 April 2010
Using Our Intuition
Sometimes I wonder how people can live with themselves when they intentionally “pull the rug” from underneath someone. You know the type of thing I’m sure. Perhaps you want to discuss something with other people and find a way forward that would be of benefit to others, to the group or the organization. At the meeting someone agrees to take a certain action only to do something behind your back that means that they either take the credit for an action or in some way “get one over” on you.
In my view this is anti-social behaviour and is negatively competitive and designed to be a win/lose outcome. In some circles this behaviour can be the norm and may even be encouraged and admired. However for those that invested their trust the fall out from such anti-social action can be tremendous, causing individuals to feel frustrated, betrayed and helpless. In organizations where this might happen on a regular basis creativity and productivity will decrease as energy is expended on self-protection.
This competitive (rather than cooperative and cocreative) behaviour shows that the competitor feels threatened and the only way to “win” is to play games where someone else loses. This behaviour indicates that they are in fact frightened and learned to con and manipulate their way through life – in other words to get others before, from their own perspective, they are “got”. In order to do this they must be objectifying another person or people since “we don’t hurt people, we hurt objects”. (Kohlrieser G, 2006).
However, what can you do about such actions when you experience being conned and manipulated? Firstly, go and see the other people who have been part of the game and discuss what happened. Front it up, don’t run away and feel cornered. If you are feeling bad then others may be feeling the same or even perhaps think that you were part of the negative process. When engaged in meetings to discuss process it can be helpful to volunteer vulnerability with others. This means remaining potent and believing that you are OK, and expressing what you are feeling where and when appropriate. If meeting with others is, for some reason, not an option then working out where you discounted the situation in some way and what other options you might have had will be a learning process for the future.
I do not believe it an option to say to ourselves “There you are you see I knew I shouldn’t trust anyone!” or “The world’s a dangerous place and I won’t take any initiatives again” etc. This will only serve to harm us and our lives. There are trustworthy people out there and we need to go and find them and polish up our antennae for “charming manipulators” who con their way through life.
The First Nation tribes in North America have a saying that “We ignore our intuition at our peril”, so let’s make sure we use ours and then check this out with our rational and effective thinking.
So consider whether you:
Believe it necessary to control or dominate others
Find other people irritating and want them to go away
Like to take the credit for joint ventures
Feel persecutory toward others sometimes
Feel a victim sometimes
Feel helpless when difficulties arise
Lose sleep when certain people are going to be involved in meetings and/or tasks
Distrust others to the point that you have decided not to express yourself
All of these are indicators that someone is taking up a not OK life position. That is, you may be making yourself or someone else not OK, or someone is trying to make you not OK. You don’t have to play this game. Instead respect others’ right to be in the world and maintain boundaries. When all else fails, learn from the situation and keep yourself feeling OK and other OK even if you have to challenge their behaviour.
If you experience stress and difficulties at work then one option is to undertake coaching with Mountain Associates. For information on coaching, training and consultancy contact +44 (0) 1455 824475 or take a look at our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 15-17 June 2010 which offers insights into human behaviour and options for development.
In my view this is anti-social behaviour and is negatively competitive and designed to be a win/lose outcome. In some circles this behaviour can be the norm and may even be encouraged and admired. However for those that invested their trust the fall out from such anti-social action can be tremendous, causing individuals to feel frustrated, betrayed and helpless. In organizations where this might happen on a regular basis creativity and productivity will decrease as energy is expended on self-protection.
This competitive (rather than cooperative and cocreative) behaviour shows that the competitor feels threatened and the only way to “win” is to play games where someone else loses. This behaviour indicates that they are in fact frightened and learned to con and manipulate their way through life – in other words to get others before, from their own perspective, they are “got”. In order to do this they must be objectifying another person or people since “we don’t hurt people, we hurt objects”. (Kohlrieser G, 2006).
However, what can you do about such actions when you experience being conned and manipulated? Firstly, go and see the other people who have been part of the game and discuss what happened. Front it up, don’t run away and feel cornered. If you are feeling bad then others may be feeling the same or even perhaps think that you were part of the negative process. When engaged in meetings to discuss process it can be helpful to volunteer vulnerability with others. This means remaining potent and believing that you are OK, and expressing what you are feeling where and when appropriate. If meeting with others is, for some reason, not an option then working out where you discounted the situation in some way and what other options you might have had will be a learning process for the future.
I do not believe it an option to say to ourselves “There you are you see I knew I shouldn’t trust anyone!” or “The world’s a dangerous place and I won’t take any initiatives again” etc. This will only serve to harm us and our lives. There are trustworthy people out there and we need to go and find them and polish up our antennae for “charming manipulators” who con their way through life.
The First Nation tribes in North America have a saying that “We ignore our intuition at our peril”, so let’s make sure we use ours and then check this out with our rational and effective thinking.
So consider whether you:
Believe it necessary to control or dominate others
Find other people irritating and want them to go away
Like to take the credit for joint ventures
Feel persecutory toward others sometimes
Feel a victim sometimes
Feel helpless when difficulties arise
Lose sleep when certain people are going to be involved in meetings and/or tasks
Distrust others to the point that you have decided not to express yourself
All of these are indicators that someone is taking up a not OK life position. That is, you may be making yourself or someone else not OK, or someone is trying to make you not OK. You don’t have to play this game. Instead respect others’ right to be in the world and maintain boundaries. When all else fails, learn from the situation and keep yourself feeling OK and other OK even if you have to challenge their behaviour.
If you experience stress and difficulties at work then one option is to undertake coaching with Mountain Associates. For information on coaching, training and consultancy contact +44 (0) 1455 824475 or take a look at our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 15-17 June 2010 which offers insights into human behaviour and options for development.
Monday, 21 September 2009
Dealing With The Process
We all feel stuck at some time or other and yet want to get on with the task in hand. We persist in the same behaviours in an attempt to get the other person or people to undertake the action they have promised, or find ways to meet the other person and develop an understanding between us, all of this in pursuance of the task. However, we get nowhere. When this happens one option is to deal with the process rather than the task. In other words we need to address what is going on between us rather than just repeating ourselves.
Let’s take the example of a promise. Jack promises Andrea that he will return the camera he borrowed from her. They had previously agreed that he could borrow it for his sister’s wedding but would return it on 20 August, two weeks after borrowing it. As the time approaches Andrea calls Jack to arrange to go for a coffee when Jack can return the camera. Jack agrees to the arrangement, but on the day phones and says that he can’t make it but will return the camera in the week. The week passes and Jack does not turn up and so Andrea does not have the return of her camera. Again Andrea calls Jack, again more promises and more breaks of those promises.
Eventually, Andrea calls Jack and expresses how she is feeling about the situation. She believes that she is now in a game (see www.mountain-associates.co.uk/games.html) with Jack and decides to deal with the process of what has been going on between them, rather than to persist with familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome – in this instance, Jack not returning the camera. Andrea informs Jack that she is now wary of trusting Jack and this situation is damaging their friendship. She has really valued him as a friend and would like him to return the camera now and discuss with her what has been going on. If he has lost it she would prefer him to say so and to buy her another one, than to continue in this way. That way she feels she is more likely to be able to maintain a relationship with him.
For his part, Jack experiences being confronted with his process by Andrea and whilst uncomfortable is able to see what she is saying to him. He informs Andrea that the shutter on the camera broke whilst he was using it. He felt bad about it, even though he did nothing to damage it, and has put it in for repair. They have a “heart to heart” conversation about this and Andrea feels closer to Jack and he brings round the camera two weeks later.
Okay, so not all situations turn out this well but even so dealing with the process will be of assistance. Therefore, the next time you experience going round and round, taking the same old actions I suggest dealing with the process instead. Of course this will all need to be undertaken in Accounting mode.
(http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/ego_states4.html )
So, the motto needs to be “When the process gets in the way of the task, deal with the process”.
Mountain Associates are highly trained and skilled Transactional Analysts. If you want professional assistance with coaching, supervision of coaching, in-house training we have many years of training in Transactional Analysis which is a social psychology.
Let’s take the example of a promise. Jack promises Andrea that he will return the camera he borrowed from her. They had previously agreed that he could borrow it for his sister’s wedding but would return it on 20 August, two weeks after borrowing it. As the time approaches Andrea calls Jack to arrange to go for a coffee when Jack can return the camera. Jack agrees to the arrangement, but on the day phones and says that he can’t make it but will return the camera in the week. The week passes and Jack does not turn up and so Andrea does not have the return of her camera. Again Andrea calls Jack, again more promises and more breaks of those promises.
Eventually, Andrea calls Jack and expresses how she is feeling about the situation. She believes that she is now in a game (see www.mountain-associates.co.uk/games.html) with Jack and decides to deal with the process of what has been going on between them, rather than to persist with familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome – in this instance, Jack not returning the camera. Andrea informs Jack that she is now wary of trusting Jack and this situation is damaging their friendship. She has really valued him as a friend and would like him to return the camera now and discuss with her what has been going on. If he has lost it she would prefer him to say so and to buy her another one, than to continue in this way. That way she feels she is more likely to be able to maintain a relationship with him.
For his part, Jack experiences being confronted with his process by Andrea and whilst uncomfortable is able to see what she is saying to him. He informs Andrea that the shutter on the camera broke whilst he was using it. He felt bad about it, even though he did nothing to damage it, and has put it in for repair. They have a “heart to heart” conversation about this and Andrea feels closer to Jack and he brings round the camera two weeks later.
Okay, so not all situations turn out this well but even so dealing with the process will be of assistance. Therefore, the next time you experience going round and round, taking the same old actions I suggest dealing with the process instead. Of course this will all need to be undertaken in Accounting mode.
(http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/ego_states4.html )
So, the motto needs to be “When the process gets in the way of the task, deal with the process”.
Mountain Associates are highly trained and skilled Transactional Analysts. If you want professional assistance with coaching, supervision of coaching, in-house training we have many years of training in Transactional Analysis which is a social psychology.
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