I was recently at a seminar where a particular approach to interventions with our coaching clients was the theme. In teaching us this approach the facilitator consistently undertook interventions with the audience to illuminate what she meant. However, at least some of the participants there, including me, were hoping that the facilitator did not “pick on” them as they did not wish to be ridiculed or their comments twisted round. Not a good outcome!
So, what is the difference between challenging interventions that enable the person or people to develop and interventions that invite over-adaptation and are persecutory? To me the answer is that challenge is not a “theme” or an “approach” but a designed intervention geared to the person we are interacting with.
Berne wrote about:
•Interrogation e.g. “Did you actually steal the money?”;
•Specification e.g. “So, what you are saying is…………..”;
•Confrontation e.g. highlighting a discrepancy between what is being said “ Just before you said …. Now you are saying………. What is your thinking about this?”;
•Explanation e.g.”It seems that when you move out of being here and now you stop thinking”;
•Illustration e.g. an anecdote or simile that follows a successful confrontation for the purpose of reinforcing the confrontation and softening it.
•Confirmation e.g. “I understand you to be saying……., is that right?”;
•Interpretation e.g. “I understand the sense of what you are saying as….”;
•Crystalization e.g.”So you are now in a position to stop playing that game if you choose to”. (Berne E, 1966, p233-25)
I would also add Challenge to that list and to challenge with humour - but at the right time for the client and still remain OK/OK with them.
As you can see from the synopsis, each of the interventions has their own rationale and aim. This means that we need to design the intervention for the person, the issue and the context, as well as ensure that it is related to the contract. It is also imperative that we remain OK/OK in any transaction because, if not, we invite over-compliance or rebellion. If those we train, coach, or relate with, disagree with our interventions it is also important to be aware and sufficiently humble to recognise that the issue might be with us and/or the approach, rather than with the other person.
Whilst this may all sound difficult or contrived it is important to be professional, know we have options and use these options mindfully for the good of the other person.
This does not mean that we stop provocative interventions but that we carefully consider their use and, if they don’t work, not blame the other person e.g. “It’s that you’re too up-tight” or “You’re not ready for this”, implying that we are so evolved and the other is not.
If we keep all our transactions OK/OK and be with the other person in the now, rather than using one approach that may not fit everyone, all is likely to be well.
Leave us your comments below.
Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 14-16 June, 2011. We also have a one-day workshop by a French guest trainer entitled Rapid Diagnosis of Organizations on 14 July. The next academic year’s list of workshops is now up-loaded to our website. For all this information and more go to: www.mountain-associates.co.uk and either click on the Organizational TA Box or go to the drop-down tabs along the top and click on TA Courses.
Our up-coming book “Working Together: Organizational TA and Business Performance will be out in July 2011, so keep an eye on our website for further information or register on the site and we’ll keep you informed.
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
Ethics in Business
I was just asked to write a response to an article about ethics in business and then on the ITOL LinkedIn discussion group the issue of ethics came up again.
To consider ethics and ethical behaviour we also need to consider integrity and good practice. Good practice is based on beliefs, values and opinions, from which ethical behaviour stems. When we consider ethics within business we need to consider the organization’s culture as this will set the standards for decision making. In this context the written and unwritten codes will influence the organizations decisions and actions.
Beliefs are often unconscious patterned thinking processes and may, therefore, be hard to identify. Our beliefs will affect how we behave, and are part of our identity, therefore changing either our beliefs, or how we view ourselves, will affect our actions. This will include who we work with and how we work with them and whether our behaviour is ethical or unethical.
Most commonly ethics are considered in terms of dilemmas. For example, let’s take a real situation where the director of a charity that rescued children in war torn areas was approached by an arms dealer who offered to rescue some stranded children that no one else had been able to reach. However, the dealer would not rescue the adults who were with them. The charity's director had to make a very quick decision with no time to consult. In order to make this decision he looked at the organization’s core aims, its mission and purpose and decided that he would cooperate with the arms dealers as it was either the children or no one at that particular point. He subsequently wrote to the charity’s stakeholders and explained his dilemma and offered to resign should a substantial number of them disagree with his decision. They did in fact support him. (Leigh, 2009).
When someone has to make an ethical decision we have to consider the nature of the organization. To do this I have integrated Ernst’s OK Corral (1971) with Wickens (1995) with Krausz (1993). In summary we need to explore whether the organization is:
• I'm OK, You're Not OK, Anarchic, (Wickens), autocratic, paternalistic management style, competitive stressed organizational climate with unilateral problem solving, (Krausz). In this type of organization the workforce are less likely to take responsibility for their actions and there is less willingness to report ethical issues.
• I'm Not OK, You're OK, Alienated (Wickens), ambiguous management style, anxious, insecure climate, with reactive problem solving (Krausz). In this type of organization the workforce already feel alienated and any ethical boundary crossing only serves to further this alienation.
• I'm Not OK, You're Not OK, Apathetic, (Wickens) Laissez-faire, alienated management style, the organizational climate is apathetic and passive, with no problem solving (Krausz). People are unwilling to address ethical issues and, if others cross the ethical line this only serves to reinforce the apathy.
• I'm OK and You're OK, Ascendant (Wickens), democratic, participative management style (Krausz), the organizational climate is motivated, respectful and creative. Ethical problem solving processes are the norm.
Whilst there are individual 360° programmes within organizations there is also a need for an organization to give itself a 360° feedback process, taking comments from the workforce on a regular basis. In this way there are more likely to be opportunities for change in the culture so that people feel valued and supported, with clear boundaries and contracting processes in place. This is then more likely to lead to ethically congruent behaviour.
What do you think? Are ethics important in organizations? How do we compromise our own ethics when we work for organizations that are not a "fit" for us? Are we more or less likely to be stressed when we ignore or deny the mismatch between our own and the organizational ethics? Are ethics a luxury in today's world?
References: Leigh A. (2009), How Good is Your Integrity Compass? http://www.hrzone.co.uk/blogs/andrewl/straight-talking-andrew-leigh-maynard-leigh-associates/how-good-your-integrity-compass, accessed 2.3.2011
Krausz R. (1980), TA and Management Effectiveness, Transactional Analysis Journal, 10:1, 21-24
Wickens P. (1995), The Ascendant Organisation, Macmillan Business
To learn more about Organizational Transactional Analysis come on our Official Introduction to TA course on 14-16 June, or buy our upcoming book: Working Together: Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, to be published by Gower in July, 2011. Contact us for an informal chat about your own or your organization's coaching or training needs. +44 (0) 1455 824475, www.mountain-associates.co.uk
To consider ethics and ethical behaviour we also need to consider integrity and good practice. Good practice is based on beliefs, values and opinions, from which ethical behaviour stems. When we consider ethics within business we need to consider the organization’s culture as this will set the standards for decision making. In this context the written and unwritten codes will influence the organizations decisions and actions.
Beliefs are often unconscious patterned thinking processes and may, therefore, be hard to identify. Our beliefs will affect how we behave, and are part of our identity, therefore changing either our beliefs, or how we view ourselves, will affect our actions. This will include who we work with and how we work with them and whether our behaviour is ethical or unethical.
Most commonly ethics are considered in terms of dilemmas. For example, let’s take a real situation where the director of a charity that rescued children in war torn areas was approached by an arms dealer who offered to rescue some stranded children that no one else had been able to reach. However, the dealer would not rescue the adults who were with them. The charity's director had to make a very quick decision with no time to consult. In order to make this decision he looked at the organization’s core aims, its mission and purpose and decided that he would cooperate with the arms dealers as it was either the children or no one at that particular point. He subsequently wrote to the charity’s stakeholders and explained his dilemma and offered to resign should a substantial number of them disagree with his decision. They did in fact support him. (Leigh, 2009).
When someone has to make an ethical decision we have to consider the nature of the organization. To do this I have integrated Ernst’s OK Corral (1971) with Wickens (1995) with Krausz (1993). In summary we need to explore whether the organization is:
• I'm OK, You're Not OK, Anarchic, (Wickens), autocratic, paternalistic management style, competitive stressed organizational climate with unilateral problem solving, (Krausz). In this type of organization the workforce are less likely to take responsibility for their actions and there is less willingness to report ethical issues.
• I'm Not OK, You're OK, Alienated (Wickens), ambiguous management style, anxious, insecure climate, with reactive problem solving (Krausz). In this type of organization the workforce already feel alienated and any ethical boundary crossing only serves to further this alienation.
• I'm Not OK, You're Not OK, Apathetic, (Wickens) Laissez-faire, alienated management style, the organizational climate is apathetic and passive, with no problem solving (Krausz). People are unwilling to address ethical issues and, if others cross the ethical line this only serves to reinforce the apathy.
• I'm OK and You're OK, Ascendant (Wickens), democratic, participative management style (Krausz), the organizational climate is motivated, respectful and creative. Ethical problem solving processes are the norm.
Whilst there are individual 360° programmes within organizations there is also a need for an organization to give itself a 360° feedback process, taking comments from the workforce on a regular basis. In this way there are more likely to be opportunities for change in the culture so that people feel valued and supported, with clear boundaries and contracting processes in place. This is then more likely to lead to ethically congruent behaviour.
What do you think? Are ethics important in organizations? How do we compromise our own ethics when we work for organizations that are not a "fit" for us? Are we more or less likely to be stressed when we ignore or deny the mismatch between our own and the organizational ethics? Are ethics a luxury in today's world?
References: Leigh A. (2009), How Good is Your Integrity Compass? http://www.hrzone.co.uk/blogs/andrewl/straight-talking-andrew-leigh-maynard-leigh-associates/how-good-your-integrity-compass, accessed 2.3.2011
Krausz R. (1980), TA and Management Effectiveness, Transactional Analysis Journal, 10:1, 21-24
Wickens P. (1995), The Ascendant Organisation, Macmillan Business
To learn more about Organizational Transactional Analysis come on our Official Introduction to TA course on 14-16 June, or buy our upcoming book: Working Together: Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, to be published by Gower in July, 2011. Contact us for an informal chat about your own or your organization's coaching or training needs. +44 (0) 1455 824475, www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Thursday, 17 February 2011
We All Have The Ability To Think
Organizations are susceptible to ‘groupthink’ which will influence the consideration of values. Groupthink was a term coined by Janis (1972) when he identified that in some groups people do not consider alternatives, thereby placing limits on decision making. In such groups, he argued, there is pressure for everyone to agree with each other. This might mean that individuals are conflict–avoiding rather than conflict–resolving (Scott Peck, 1987). When people are conflict–avoiding it means that the preservation of superficial harmony is given precedence over critical evaluation of ideas and values. This in turn might mean that an option is given the go–ahead even though the outcome might be the exploitation of others (for instance the use of
child labour to produce garments for the clothing industry).
The value base of an organization runs through all aspects, from the product or service being offered to marketing, accounting and management style. These in turn affect the loyalty, honesty and integrity of the employees. For example, an employee may be dismissed or have legal action taken against them for stealing. The other employees will take note of this and recognize that boundaries have been created and reinforced. These actions need to be congruent throughout the organization so that when a Director has been dishonest and it is sufficiently serious, they do not get a ‘golden handshake’, but instead are similarly dismissed. This will engender a sense of fairness amongst the workforce and loyalty and commitment will be maintained.
Do you have examples where there was a beneficial outcome when an individual used their power to make a difference and went against group think? Do you have a positive experience to share when a group or team moved from being conflict- avoiding to conflict-resolving, with a positive outcome for all? Write a comment and share your experiences.
If you are interested in learning more about building effective relationships then come to our next Advanced Communication Skills, level 1, (Incorporating the Official Introducation to TA), on 8-10 March 2011. Or, for further information contact: Mountain Associates, www.mountain-associates.co.uk
child labour to produce garments for the clothing industry).
The value base of an organization runs through all aspects, from the product or service being offered to marketing, accounting and management style. These in turn affect the loyalty, honesty and integrity of the employees. For example, an employee may be dismissed or have legal action taken against them for stealing. The other employees will take note of this and recognize that boundaries have been created and reinforced. These actions need to be congruent throughout the organization so that when a Director has been dishonest and it is sufficiently serious, they do not get a ‘golden handshake’, but instead are similarly dismissed. This will engender a sense of fairness amongst the workforce and loyalty and commitment will be maintained.
Do you have examples where there was a beneficial outcome when an individual used their power to make a difference and went against group think? Do you have a positive experience to share when a group or team moved from being conflict- avoiding to conflict-resolving, with a positive outcome for all? Write a comment and share your experiences.
If you are interested in learning more about building effective relationships then come to our next Advanced Communication Skills, level 1, (Incorporating the Official Introducation to TA), on 8-10 March 2011. Or, for further information contact: Mountain Associates, www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Monday, 24 January 2011
Sunrise, Sunset
The sun has well and truly set on 2010 and we are now into 2011 with its threats and promises regarding restructuring of many of our structures and systems here in the UK. Many people are being “encouraged” to look for work, whilst thousands are being laid off. However, amongst all these real difficulties and a likely increase in the “working poor” there are also many stories of people who have gone to the assistance of others and a sense of connectedness has developed. This is one of the consequences of a difficult time that has had a positive spin off for a sense of community. This is not to minimise the difficulties being experienced by people but to look for the nugget to come out of the awfulness of it all. Therefore, one of the things that has happened during the financial recession is that many people appear to have been pulling together, hopefully leading to fewer people being ready to judge others. For example, last year many dug others out of snow, checked whether the elderly or frail needed assistance and generally kept an eye open for others needs instead of just our own, we began to show our care and/or accepted being cared about. If there is anything to learn from the various difficulties of 2010 it is that we are not just a collection of individuals we are a society, and need each others support.
Therefore, as the sun has risen on 2011:
• What will you do to move on from your situation, to support others or even say “goodbye” in healthy ways?
• How will you ensure that in 2011 you take care of yourself before, even if as well as, others? Without this you will not have the energy and willingness to be there for others.
• What will you do to reach out to others and ask for support if and when you need it?
We wish you a year of community, connection and belonging.
Do you have difficulties with relationships at work? Do you find your workforce saying inappropriate things to others? Is there low morale and motivation in the workplace? If so, contact Mountain Associates and see if what we have to offer is a good match for your needs. www.mountain-associates.co.uk - Enabling you to find solutions.
If you would like further information about our upcoming book, Working Together, to be published by Gower in June/July, 2011, then register on our site so that we can let you know the date of publication
Therefore, as the sun has risen on 2011:
• What will you do to move on from your situation, to support others or even say “goodbye” in healthy ways?
• How will you ensure that in 2011 you take care of yourself before, even if as well as, others? Without this you will not have the energy and willingness to be there for others.
• What will you do to reach out to others and ask for support if and when you need it?
We wish you a year of community, connection and belonging.
Do you have difficulties with relationships at work? Do you find your workforce saying inappropriate things to others? Is there low morale and motivation in the workplace? If so, contact Mountain Associates and see if what we have to offer is a good match for your needs. www.mountain-associates.co.uk - Enabling you to find solutions.
If you would like further information about our upcoming book, Working Together, to be published by Gower in June/July, 2011, then register on our site so that we can let you know the date of publication
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
Constructs and communication
Yesterday I was at an Association For Coaching regional meeting. These are great opportunities for continuous professional development as the quality of input and the relationship with others is excellent.
During discussions in my small group, we - yet again - debated the boundary between therapy and coaching. This came about because we were trialing a questionnaire by Roger Clare which outlined a range of dilemmas and we had to choose between three answers. Someone else in my group answered differently to me on a number of questions, including this one and yet, when we discussed our views, they were similar.
As a psychotherapist my understanding of psychotherapy is more than likely to be different to someone who is not a psychotherapist and, had we not discussed our frames of reference we could have believed we disagreed, when in fact we agreed.
For me this outlined how easy it is to believe that we hold differing views from someone but, when we take the time to listen we may find we believe the same thing. What makes the difference is our construct of the words in question and our frame of reference.
Whilst this discussion was about therapy and coaching we could have been talking about anything. Therefore we need to remember to go back to basics even if it seems we might be being pedantic. By checking we all have the same understanding of a word or phrase we can save so much time and emotion and really meet people, rather than assume what they mean and focus on our differences.
Have there been times when you have been discussing your different views with someone, and maybe even getting into conflict about it, only to find that you think the same way? Feel free to send in your examples for others to learn from.
Have a good week.
Mountain Associates website will soon be changing. We will have separate areas for our in-house training, our Developmental/Organizational Institute and our Coaching 4C. Keep an eye on the website for the new developments which we hope will make your access clearer and easier.
During discussions in my small group, we - yet again - debated the boundary between therapy and coaching. This came about because we were trialing a questionnaire by Roger Clare which outlined a range of dilemmas and we had to choose between three answers. Someone else in my group answered differently to me on a number of questions, including this one and yet, when we discussed our views, they were similar.
As a psychotherapist my understanding of psychotherapy is more than likely to be different to someone who is not a psychotherapist and, had we not discussed our frames of reference we could have believed we disagreed, when in fact we agreed.
For me this outlined how easy it is to believe that we hold differing views from someone but, when we take the time to listen we may find we believe the same thing. What makes the difference is our construct of the words in question and our frame of reference.
Whilst this discussion was about therapy and coaching we could have been talking about anything. Therefore we need to remember to go back to basics even if it seems we might be being pedantic. By checking we all have the same understanding of a word or phrase we can save so much time and emotion and really meet people, rather than assume what they mean and focus on our differences.
Have there been times when you have been discussing your different views with someone, and maybe even getting into conflict about it, only to find that you think the same way? Feel free to send in your examples for others to learn from.
Have a good week.
Mountain Associates website will soon be changing. We will have separate areas for our in-house training, our Developmental/Organizational Institute and our Coaching 4C. Keep an eye on the website for the new developments which we hope will make your access clearer and easier.
Sunday, 24 October 2010
Expectations
We have just come back from working in Armenia where we were teaching Transactional Analysis and its application. During one of the discussions the issue of expectations came up and there was a view that if we expect too much then we will be disappointed and therefore we need to keep our expectations low. At this point the room seemed split between those who agreed and those who did not agree.
Of course, some of this may be cultural and, as most of the participants were women this too might be understandable. However, if we keep our expectations low we will never have the opportunity to feel fulfilled and will be working within an over-adaptive frame of reference. This in itself can then lead to resentment. Why go for second best? Whether we believe we will achieve a goal, or whether we don’t, going for it means that we’ll have a good journey, learn a great deal, and develop and grow. Further, with the attitude that something is possible we will be living a happy life in a positive frame of mind. Then, whether we achieve our goal, or whether we don’t, we’ve had a good time and enjoyed the journey, with positive spin-offs for those around us too.
Just think, if everyone lowered their expectations we would have no electricity, aeroplanes, mobiles, computers etc. etc. etc. So, if we start to think “There’s no point, things like that (whatever that is) don’t happen for people like me” we’ll be right – because whatever we focus our attention on grows greater in our life – and that doesn’t mean only the positive things!
I realise that in today’s current financial crisis things are tough to say the least. Some of you may be losing your jobs, houses, or having to work harder because others around you have lost their jobs, however, how does being angry, withdrawn, resentful help? Instead we need to be creative, think, feel and take action toward our goals. At these times we need our friends for support and need to reach out and ask. This is a time for community and creativity. This increases our positive energy which is better for our health and well being.
Don’t go for second best because that says you are only worth second best, go for first best – you’re worth it. “Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss you’ll get the stars”.
Have a great journey.
Mountain Associates offer in-house training and consultancy. Our Organizational Training Institute offers open workshops on Transactional Analysis, our next Official Introduction to TA is on 3-5 November, with another one in January, 2011, and our Organizational TA programme is going strong. We also have a coaching arm called Coaching 4C so do get in touch if you would like to talk about group or individual coaching.
Of course, some of this may be cultural and, as most of the participants were women this too might be understandable. However, if we keep our expectations low we will never have the opportunity to feel fulfilled and will be working within an over-adaptive frame of reference. This in itself can then lead to resentment. Why go for second best? Whether we believe we will achieve a goal, or whether we don’t, going for it means that we’ll have a good journey, learn a great deal, and develop and grow. Further, with the attitude that something is possible we will be living a happy life in a positive frame of mind. Then, whether we achieve our goal, or whether we don’t, we’ve had a good time and enjoyed the journey, with positive spin-offs for those around us too.
Just think, if everyone lowered their expectations we would have no electricity, aeroplanes, mobiles, computers etc. etc. etc. So, if we start to think “There’s no point, things like that (whatever that is) don’t happen for people like me” we’ll be right – because whatever we focus our attention on grows greater in our life – and that doesn’t mean only the positive things!
I realise that in today’s current financial crisis things are tough to say the least. Some of you may be losing your jobs, houses, or having to work harder because others around you have lost their jobs, however, how does being angry, withdrawn, resentful help? Instead we need to be creative, think, feel and take action toward our goals. At these times we need our friends for support and need to reach out and ask. This is a time for community and creativity. This increases our positive energy which is better for our health and well being.
Don’t go for second best because that says you are only worth second best, go for first best – you’re worth it. “Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss you’ll get the stars”.
Have a great journey.
Mountain Associates offer in-house training and consultancy. Our Organizational Training Institute offers open workshops on Transactional Analysis, our next Official Introduction to TA is on 3-5 November, with another one in January, 2011, and our Organizational TA programme is going strong. We also have a coaching arm called Coaching 4C so do get in touch if you would like to talk about group or individual coaching.
Monday, 20 September 2010
How Come I'm Here Again?
The other day I was talking to a friend, Sally, who was telling me about a conversation she had with a potential mentor. During the meeting the supervisor asked Sally, a number of questions which were not relevant to the discussion and appeared to be more about their own curiosity. For example, “Have you approached X or Y to be a mentor?” This question was not relevant to their meeting and whilst it might have been disguised as “I’m only trying to help you” could have led to difficulties as Sally was then invited to discuss other possibilities and therefore other people, which in turn could have led to making other people not OK. As Sally is advanced in her field, and has lived in the area for some time, it is clear that she would know other mentors within her specialism. The only relevant issue in this particular situation was whether this proposed mentor and Sally could get on and would choose to work together
So what was going on? Who knows really? Without asking the proposed mentor that question we may never know. However, it could be that they needed strokes for who they were or what they did and one way to illicit this without asking directly, was to check out who else had Sally thought of approaching and why didn't they go with someone else. They might of course, also had a low opinion of themselves and wanted to check out if they were the only person who would consider taking this person on! However, ther rationale behind the questions is less relevant than what to do about it.
When someone asks you a question that you are not sure about and which does not appear to be relevant, you can respond with questions such as “What is your interest in this?”, or “How is this helpful for this discussion?” (said from the Accounting Mode of behaviour – see our website for further explanation of this model). If there is a clear here-and-now reason for the other person’s statements or questions then their answer will illuminate their thinking and you can proceed to answer or not, as is appropriate.
When we discount (ignore or deny) some aspect of reality we are, outside of our awareness, inviting others into a game. A game in Transactional Analysis terms is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome. This is that sort of process whereby we say things like: “Why does this always happen to me?”, or “I was only trying to help” etc.
We play games for a variety of reasons: to give us something to talk about; because we want strokes (recognition) for who we are and/or what we do; as a failed attempt at intimacy; to reinforce our frame of reference about ourselves, others and life. Unfortunately there is usually a negative pay-off at the end and we can be left asking "How come I'm here again?"
In order to avoid initiating or getting into game playing with others we first of all need to spot the discount in the opening statement and respond appropriately from Accounting Mode - see our website for an explanation of this model. If we are considering asking someone a question, or making a statement about ourselves or others, over which we may have a slight sense of unease, then we need to ask ourselves “for whom is this relevant?” Clarifying this question is a helpful part of any discussion. This is particularly important when coaching, counselling or mentoring someone.
This is only one aspect of game playing but we do need to pay attention to our own, or others opening statements and questions. For those who get into playing games quite frequently it is also important to consider how you might obtain your strokes if you are not involved in playing games.
Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 3-5 November, 2010. The Institute of Developmental TA has their next one-day conference on 30 October, see their website for further information www.instdta.org .
So what was going on? Who knows really? Without asking the proposed mentor that question we may never know. However, it could be that they needed strokes for who they were or what they did and one way to illicit this without asking directly, was to check out who else had Sally thought of approaching and why didn't they go with someone else. They might of course, also had a low opinion of themselves and wanted to check out if they were the only person who would consider taking this person on! However, ther rationale behind the questions is less relevant than what to do about it.
When someone asks you a question that you are not sure about and which does not appear to be relevant, you can respond with questions such as “What is your interest in this?”, or “How is this helpful for this discussion?” (said from the Accounting Mode of behaviour – see our website for further explanation of this model). If there is a clear here-and-now reason for the other person’s statements or questions then their answer will illuminate their thinking and you can proceed to answer or not, as is appropriate.
When we discount (ignore or deny) some aspect of reality we are, outside of our awareness, inviting others into a game. A game in Transactional Analysis terms is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome. This is that sort of process whereby we say things like: “Why does this always happen to me?”, or “I was only trying to help” etc.
We play games for a variety of reasons: to give us something to talk about; because we want strokes (recognition) for who we are and/or what we do; as a failed attempt at intimacy; to reinforce our frame of reference about ourselves, others and life. Unfortunately there is usually a negative pay-off at the end and we can be left asking "How come I'm here again?"
In order to avoid initiating or getting into game playing with others we first of all need to spot the discount in the opening statement and respond appropriately from Accounting Mode - see our website for an explanation of this model. If we are considering asking someone a question, or making a statement about ourselves or others, over which we may have a slight sense of unease, then we need to ask ourselves “for whom is this relevant?” Clarifying this question is a helpful part of any discussion. This is particularly important when coaching, counselling or mentoring someone.
This is only one aspect of game playing but we do need to pay attention to our own, or others opening statements and questions. For those who get into playing games quite frequently it is also important to consider how you might obtain your strokes if you are not involved in playing games.
Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 3-5 November, 2010. The Institute of Developmental TA has their next one-day conference on 30 October, see their website for further information www.instdta.org .
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