Yesterday I was at an Association For Coaching regional meeting. These are great opportunities for continuous professional development as the quality of input and the relationship with others is excellent.
During discussions in my small group, we - yet again - debated the boundary between therapy and coaching. This came about because we were trialing a questionnaire by Roger Clare which outlined a range of dilemmas and we had to choose between three answers. Someone else in my group answered differently to me on a number of questions, including this one and yet, when we discussed our views, they were similar.
As a psychotherapist my understanding of psychotherapy is more than likely to be different to someone who is not a psychotherapist and, had we not discussed our frames of reference we could have believed we disagreed, when in fact we agreed.
For me this outlined how easy it is to believe that we hold differing views from someone but, when we take the time to listen we may find we believe the same thing. What makes the difference is our construct of the words in question and our frame of reference.
Whilst this discussion was about therapy and coaching we could have been talking about anything. Therefore we need to remember to go back to basics even if it seems we might be being pedantic. By checking we all have the same understanding of a word or phrase we can save so much time and emotion and really meet people, rather than assume what they mean and focus on our differences.
Have there been times when you have been discussing your different views with someone, and maybe even getting into conflict about it, only to find that you think the same way? Feel free to send in your examples for others to learn from.
Have a good week.
Mountain Associates website will soon be changing. We will have separate areas for our in-house training, our Developmental/Organizational Institute and our Coaching 4C. Keep an eye on the website for the new developments which we hope will make your access clearer and easier.
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
Sunday, 24 October 2010
Expectations
We have just come back from working in Armenia where we were teaching Transactional Analysis and its application. During one of the discussions the issue of expectations came up and there was a view that if we expect too much then we will be disappointed and therefore we need to keep our expectations low. At this point the room seemed split between those who agreed and those who did not agree.
Of course, some of this may be cultural and, as most of the participants were women this too might be understandable. However, if we keep our expectations low we will never have the opportunity to feel fulfilled and will be working within an over-adaptive frame of reference. This in itself can then lead to resentment. Why go for second best? Whether we believe we will achieve a goal, or whether we don’t, going for it means that we’ll have a good journey, learn a great deal, and develop and grow. Further, with the attitude that something is possible we will be living a happy life in a positive frame of mind. Then, whether we achieve our goal, or whether we don’t, we’ve had a good time and enjoyed the journey, with positive spin-offs for those around us too.
Just think, if everyone lowered their expectations we would have no electricity, aeroplanes, mobiles, computers etc. etc. etc. So, if we start to think “There’s no point, things like that (whatever that is) don’t happen for people like me” we’ll be right – because whatever we focus our attention on grows greater in our life – and that doesn’t mean only the positive things!
I realise that in today’s current financial crisis things are tough to say the least. Some of you may be losing your jobs, houses, or having to work harder because others around you have lost their jobs, however, how does being angry, withdrawn, resentful help? Instead we need to be creative, think, feel and take action toward our goals. At these times we need our friends for support and need to reach out and ask. This is a time for community and creativity. This increases our positive energy which is better for our health and well being.
Don’t go for second best because that says you are only worth second best, go for first best – you’re worth it. “Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss you’ll get the stars”.
Have a great journey.
Mountain Associates offer in-house training and consultancy. Our Organizational Training Institute offers open workshops on Transactional Analysis, our next Official Introduction to TA is on 3-5 November, with another one in January, 2011, and our Organizational TA programme is going strong. We also have a coaching arm called Coaching 4C so do get in touch if you would like to talk about group or individual coaching.
Of course, some of this may be cultural and, as most of the participants were women this too might be understandable. However, if we keep our expectations low we will never have the opportunity to feel fulfilled and will be working within an over-adaptive frame of reference. This in itself can then lead to resentment. Why go for second best? Whether we believe we will achieve a goal, or whether we don’t, going for it means that we’ll have a good journey, learn a great deal, and develop and grow. Further, with the attitude that something is possible we will be living a happy life in a positive frame of mind. Then, whether we achieve our goal, or whether we don’t, we’ve had a good time and enjoyed the journey, with positive spin-offs for those around us too.
Just think, if everyone lowered their expectations we would have no electricity, aeroplanes, mobiles, computers etc. etc. etc. So, if we start to think “There’s no point, things like that (whatever that is) don’t happen for people like me” we’ll be right – because whatever we focus our attention on grows greater in our life – and that doesn’t mean only the positive things!
I realise that in today’s current financial crisis things are tough to say the least. Some of you may be losing your jobs, houses, or having to work harder because others around you have lost their jobs, however, how does being angry, withdrawn, resentful help? Instead we need to be creative, think, feel and take action toward our goals. At these times we need our friends for support and need to reach out and ask. This is a time for community and creativity. This increases our positive energy which is better for our health and well being.
Don’t go for second best because that says you are only worth second best, go for first best – you’re worth it. “Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss you’ll get the stars”.
Have a great journey.
Mountain Associates offer in-house training and consultancy. Our Organizational Training Institute offers open workshops on Transactional Analysis, our next Official Introduction to TA is on 3-5 November, with another one in January, 2011, and our Organizational TA programme is going strong. We also have a coaching arm called Coaching 4C so do get in touch if you would like to talk about group or individual coaching.
Monday, 20 September 2010
How Come I'm Here Again?
The other day I was talking to a friend, Sally, who was telling me about a conversation she had with a potential mentor. During the meeting the supervisor asked Sally, a number of questions which were not relevant to the discussion and appeared to be more about their own curiosity. For example, “Have you approached X or Y to be a mentor?” This question was not relevant to their meeting and whilst it might have been disguised as “I’m only trying to help you” could have led to difficulties as Sally was then invited to discuss other possibilities and therefore other people, which in turn could have led to making other people not OK. As Sally is advanced in her field, and has lived in the area for some time, it is clear that she would know other mentors within her specialism. The only relevant issue in this particular situation was whether this proposed mentor and Sally could get on and would choose to work together
So what was going on? Who knows really? Without asking the proposed mentor that question we may never know. However, it could be that they needed strokes for who they were or what they did and one way to illicit this without asking directly, was to check out who else had Sally thought of approaching and why didn't they go with someone else. They might of course, also had a low opinion of themselves and wanted to check out if they were the only person who would consider taking this person on! However, ther rationale behind the questions is less relevant than what to do about it.
When someone asks you a question that you are not sure about and which does not appear to be relevant, you can respond with questions such as “What is your interest in this?”, or “How is this helpful for this discussion?” (said from the Accounting Mode of behaviour – see our website for further explanation of this model). If there is a clear here-and-now reason for the other person’s statements or questions then their answer will illuminate their thinking and you can proceed to answer or not, as is appropriate.
When we discount (ignore or deny) some aspect of reality we are, outside of our awareness, inviting others into a game. A game in Transactional Analysis terms is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome. This is that sort of process whereby we say things like: “Why does this always happen to me?”, or “I was only trying to help” etc.
We play games for a variety of reasons: to give us something to talk about; because we want strokes (recognition) for who we are and/or what we do; as a failed attempt at intimacy; to reinforce our frame of reference about ourselves, others and life. Unfortunately there is usually a negative pay-off at the end and we can be left asking "How come I'm here again?"
In order to avoid initiating or getting into game playing with others we first of all need to spot the discount in the opening statement and respond appropriately from Accounting Mode - see our website for an explanation of this model. If we are considering asking someone a question, or making a statement about ourselves or others, over which we may have a slight sense of unease, then we need to ask ourselves “for whom is this relevant?” Clarifying this question is a helpful part of any discussion. This is particularly important when coaching, counselling or mentoring someone.
This is only one aspect of game playing but we do need to pay attention to our own, or others opening statements and questions. For those who get into playing games quite frequently it is also important to consider how you might obtain your strokes if you are not involved in playing games.
Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 3-5 November, 2010. The Institute of Developmental TA has their next one-day conference on 30 October, see their website for further information www.instdta.org .
So what was going on? Who knows really? Without asking the proposed mentor that question we may never know. However, it could be that they needed strokes for who they were or what they did and one way to illicit this without asking directly, was to check out who else had Sally thought of approaching and why didn't they go with someone else. They might of course, also had a low opinion of themselves and wanted to check out if they were the only person who would consider taking this person on! However, ther rationale behind the questions is less relevant than what to do about it.
When someone asks you a question that you are not sure about and which does not appear to be relevant, you can respond with questions such as “What is your interest in this?”, or “How is this helpful for this discussion?” (said from the Accounting Mode of behaviour – see our website for further explanation of this model). If there is a clear here-and-now reason for the other person’s statements or questions then their answer will illuminate their thinking and you can proceed to answer or not, as is appropriate.
When we discount (ignore or deny) some aspect of reality we are, outside of our awareness, inviting others into a game. A game in Transactional Analysis terms is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome. This is that sort of process whereby we say things like: “Why does this always happen to me?”, or “I was only trying to help” etc.
We play games for a variety of reasons: to give us something to talk about; because we want strokes (recognition) for who we are and/or what we do; as a failed attempt at intimacy; to reinforce our frame of reference about ourselves, others and life. Unfortunately there is usually a negative pay-off at the end and we can be left asking "How come I'm here again?"
In order to avoid initiating or getting into game playing with others we first of all need to spot the discount in the opening statement and respond appropriately from Accounting Mode - see our website for an explanation of this model. If we are considering asking someone a question, or making a statement about ourselves or others, over which we may have a slight sense of unease, then we need to ask ourselves “for whom is this relevant?” Clarifying this question is a helpful part of any discussion. This is particularly important when coaching, counselling or mentoring someone.
This is only one aspect of game playing but we do need to pay attention to our own, or others opening statements and questions. For those who get into playing games quite frequently it is also important to consider how you might obtain your strokes if you are not involved in playing games.
Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 3-5 November, 2010. The Institute of Developmental TA has their next one-day conference on 30 October, see their website for further information www.instdta.org .
Saturday, 7 August 2010
Selling Yourself, Without Selling Your Soul
fcJust before we fly off to Montreal and a Transactional Analysis Conference and then a holiday, I thought I would write this August blog a bit early. I wanted to ensure that there was one and I know that I would not do it whilst I was away.
With all the pressures on people regarding work these days – increased redundancies, bankruptcies, shorter working hours etc. I have been considering how far do you go to ensure you: keep your job; get more work if you’re freelance; and find work if you’re unemployed?
Finding ways to manage your value base, your philosophy and your income may seem incompatible but we all need to find ways to be congruent as this is one way to ensure inner peace and be comfortable with ourselves and our situation.
Could you for instance work for a tobacco company, or even a people trafficking set-up? However far fetched the latter may seem just consider where your boundary would be. What is the cost of getting a roof over your head and food on the table? Too often women are rebuked and looked down on if they become a street worker/prostitute, but do we know what their situation is? You could assume low self-esteem but it could be that they are putting their children first and their own self worth last. This is not to condone it but we need to understand the circumstances that lead to these downward spirals so that we avoid “prostituting” ourselves in times of financial crisis.
Over the last 30 years there has been a breaking down of community and yet today with the ecological and the financial crises we are seeing the emergence of a new wave of community spirit. There are organizations like Avaaz, Transitions, Village Action Groups as well as young people who pass on children’s clothes, share entertainment with each other and support each other without any formal groups being set up. Things are changing and we can re-establish trust and community. What is your part in this? What one thing can you do today that says “I’m here and want to know you”? This doesn’t have to be “pink and fluffy” - just a human to human interaction that makes life so much more rewarding.
So, do one thing today that breaks you free of your old ways of doing something and celebrate your shift.
Contact Mountain Associates to find ways that you can break out of your “script” and put a new show on the road - whether that be a new organizational culture or your own individual way of being. Lift Your Limits © and contact us today: ta@mountain-associates.co.uk or go to our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
With all the pressures on people regarding work these days – increased redundancies, bankruptcies, shorter working hours etc. I have been considering how far do you go to ensure you: keep your job; get more work if you’re freelance; and find work if you’re unemployed?
Finding ways to manage your value base, your philosophy and your income may seem incompatible but we all need to find ways to be congruent as this is one way to ensure inner peace and be comfortable with ourselves and our situation.
Could you for instance work for a tobacco company, or even a people trafficking set-up? However far fetched the latter may seem just consider where your boundary would be. What is the cost of getting a roof over your head and food on the table? Too often women are rebuked and looked down on if they become a street worker/prostitute, but do we know what their situation is? You could assume low self-esteem but it could be that they are putting their children first and their own self worth last. This is not to condone it but we need to understand the circumstances that lead to these downward spirals so that we avoid “prostituting” ourselves in times of financial crisis.
Over the last 30 years there has been a breaking down of community and yet today with the ecological and the financial crises we are seeing the emergence of a new wave of community spirit. There are organizations like Avaaz, Transitions, Village Action Groups as well as young people who pass on children’s clothes, share entertainment with each other and support each other without any formal groups being set up. Things are changing and we can re-establish trust and community. What is your part in this? What one thing can you do today that says “I’m here and want to know you”? This doesn’t have to be “pink and fluffy” - just a human to human interaction that makes life so much more rewarding.
So, do one thing today that breaks you free of your old ways of doing something and celebrate your shift.
Contact Mountain Associates to find ways that you can break out of your “script” and put a new show on the road - whether that be a new organizational culture or your own individual way of being. Lift Your Limits © and contact us today: ta@mountain-associates.co.uk or go to our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Wednesday, 21 July 2010
Working with Integrity
The other day I was discussing the issue of integrity with another consultant/coach. This was stimulated by the ILM’s recently completed a report on trust and leadership within the UK. They conclude that integrity is the foundation of trust and it grows in importance with seniority. The development of integrity “requires a high degree of self-critical reflection and honesty, the ability to see beyond your immediate circle, to recognise and reject acolytes and yes-men, to understand that how you see yourself is not necessarily how others see you”. (Campbell S. 2009)
In management and organizational literature ethical behaviour tends to refer to the values an organization may hold, but not how these translate into action. This may be partly due to the fact that consultants, and those working in organizations, come from a variety of educational and professional backgrounds where these may not have been considered.
For example, if an organization’s mission statement is “We value people”, how will that organization find ways of demonstrating this? What are the implications for that organization when this is not demonstrated?
The belief system is an important part of Transactional Analysis. There are many people who know the theoretical concepts but do not put the underpinning philosophy into practice, begging the question whether or not this is “real” TA.
Beliefs are often unconscious patterned thinking processes and may, therefore, be hard to identify. Beliefs can be about the meaning of something, the cause, or about identity. The need to make meaning, find causes or maintain our identity, guide our beliefs, whether or not they are “facts” we may act as though they are.
Our beliefs will effect how we behave, and our beliefs are part of our identity. Changing either our beliefs, or how we view ourselves, will affect our actions. This will include who we work with and how we work with them.
Organizations which have alignment of shared values increase employee commitment, confidence and achievement.
Codes of Ethics
All TA member organizations have Codes of Ethics and Professional Practice Guidelines to which we must adhere. This offers clients a measure of protection. However, it is also important to develop our own awareness about our own ethical principles.
Awareness of three cornered contracting (English, 1975) is necessary as consultants have contracts with the commissioning agent as well as course participants. It is these relationships which can create ambiguity. For an organizational consultant/coach relationships are often complex, which has implications for contracting and boundary setting. It is therefore “........vitally important that the consultant have clear, conscious, and consistent ethical standards” (Garfield, 1993).
In any given situation we need to ask ourselves ethical questions including:
What is the context?
What is my contract here?
How do I ensure I do not take advantage of any power position I might have here?
What is ethical here?
Does my gender and sexual orientation make a difference to whether this is ethical or not?
Does being from the same, or different, nationality make a difference to whether my actions are ethical or not ethical in this situation.
Does it make a difference that I am external/internal to the organization?
Does the status of the person/people with whom I am involved in this situation make a difference?
What assumptions or rationalizations about the situation might I be making which prevent good practice?
Am I focussing on the health and positive strengths of individuals and the organization?
Am I respecting the person’s position in the organization?
If you would like information on our various Organizational Transactional Analysis open workshops, our supervision and supervision of coaches, or coaching itself as well as our in-house training then contact us through the website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk or give us a call on +44 (0)1455 824475. The next Official Introduction to TA is on 7-9 September, 2010 and the Institute of Developmental TA one-day conference is on 30 October : www.instdta.org
In management and organizational literature ethical behaviour tends to refer to the values an organization may hold, but not how these translate into action. This may be partly due to the fact that consultants, and those working in organizations, come from a variety of educational and professional backgrounds where these may not have been considered.
For example, if an organization’s mission statement is “We value people”, how will that organization find ways of demonstrating this? What are the implications for that organization when this is not demonstrated?
The belief system is an important part of Transactional Analysis. There are many people who know the theoretical concepts but do not put the underpinning philosophy into practice, begging the question whether or not this is “real” TA.
Beliefs are often unconscious patterned thinking processes and may, therefore, be hard to identify. Beliefs can be about the meaning of something, the cause, or about identity. The need to make meaning, find causes or maintain our identity, guide our beliefs, whether or not they are “facts” we may act as though they are.
Our beliefs will effect how we behave, and our beliefs are part of our identity. Changing either our beliefs, or how we view ourselves, will affect our actions. This will include who we work with and how we work with them.
Organizations which have alignment of shared values increase employee commitment, confidence and achievement.
Codes of Ethics
All TA member organizations have Codes of Ethics and Professional Practice Guidelines to which we must adhere. This offers clients a measure of protection. However, it is also important to develop our own awareness about our own ethical principles.
Awareness of three cornered contracting (English, 1975) is necessary as consultants have contracts with the commissioning agent as well as course participants. It is these relationships which can create ambiguity. For an organizational consultant/coach relationships are often complex, which has implications for contracting and boundary setting. It is therefore “........vitally important that the consultant have clear, conscious, and consistent ethical standards” (Garfield, 1993).
In any given situation we need to ask ourselves ethical questions including:
What is the context?
What is my contract here?
How do I ensure I do not take advantage of any power position I might have here?
What is ethical here?
Does my gender and sexual orientation make a difference to whether this is ethical or not?
Does being from the same, or different, nationality make a difference to whether my actions are ethical or not ethical in this situation.
Does it make a difference that I am external/internal to the organization?
Does the status of the person/people with whom I am involved in this situation make a difference?
What assumptions or rationalizations about the situation might I be making which prevent good practice?
Am I focussing on the health and positive strengths of individuals and the organization?
Am I respecting the person’s position in the organization?
If you would like information on our various Organizational Transactional Analysis open workshops, our supervision and supervision of coaches, or coaching itself as well as our in-house training then contact us through the website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk or give us a call on +44 (0)1455 824475. The next Official Introduction to TA is on 7-9 September, 2010 and the Institute of Developmental TA one-day conference is on 30 October : www.instdta.org
Friday, 18 June 2010
Walk Your Life
I was watching a programme on television which concerned the Rarámuri tribe in Mexico. They live on a high plateau 7.5 thousand metres above sea level with little interaction with those from the larger towns and cities. The programme was a profound example about how simplicity in living offers such a depth of insight that is often lost in our busy Western lives.
In the west we seem to value workaholic lifestyle and “go getting” which can often cloud what we really need to be doing. Instead we race around, often stressed and agitated about what’s not been done, or what we’ve got to do, rather than being in the moment. This means that we are getting to lose now, unlike the Rarámuri who live very much in the present. They have very little in terms of acquisitions and sometimes go hungry but yet have such spirit and existential trust. They support and care for each other and live with, rather than on the land.
One of the key members of the tribe in the programme advised the woman from the UK to “Walk your life”. For me this was the whole key to the Rarámuri’s way of living and is something most of us find difficulty in doing.
This philosophy “to walk your life” fits with the concept in Transactional Analysis that we call Physis. Physis is Greek and means the thrust of life itself.
Do you “Walk Your Life”?
What does this phrase mean for you?
What would life be liked if you really walked it?
How would your life change?
How would you change?
My wish for you is that you “Walk Your Life”.
For coaching, coaching supervision, trainining and consultancy contact Mountain Associates: www.mountain-associates.co.uk Our next Official Introduction to TA is on 7-9 September, 2010Book now and find out how to get closer to living your life today rather than for the past.
In the west we seem to value workaholic lifestyle and “go getting” which can often cloud what we really need to be doing. Instead we race around, often stressed and agitated about what’s not been done, or what we’ve got to do, rather than being in the moment. This means that we are getting to lose now, unlike the Rarámuri who live very much in the present. They have very little in terms of acquisitions and sometimes go hungry but yet have such spirit and existential trust. They support and care for each other and live with, rather than on the land.
One of the key members of the tribe in the programme advised the woman from the UK to “Walk your life”. For me this was the whole key to the Rarámuri’s way of living and is something most of us find difficulty in doing.
This philosophy “to walk your life” fits with the concept in Transactional Analysis that we call Physis. Physis is Greek and means the thrust of life itself.
Do you “Walk Your Life”?
What does this phrase mean for you?
What would life be liked if you really walked it?
How would your life change?
How would you change?
My wish for you is that you “Walk Your Life”.
For coaching, coaching supervision, trainining and consultancy contact Mountain Associates: www.mountain-associates.co.uk Our next Official Introduction to TA is on 7-9 September, 2010Book now and find out how to get closer to living your life today rather than for the past.
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Self-Limiting Actions
I was sitting having a coffee with a friend the other day and we started talking about relationships at work. She was commissioned to undertake a project with a small family-run business and yet the owner/MD was not acting on her advice. On further discussion it transpired that she acted differently with the MD and felt like a child, in the way she had done with her father. She also thought that the consultants should not take the money from clients but should let her do it on the reception desk when she was in the building.
My friend had not realised that she was inviting the owner to discount her. She acted “small” around him and then sat at reception taking money – which was not what she was being commissioned to do, which again gave her power away.
There are many ways in which we can give our power away and we need to be alert to how we can do this. Above are two ways in which my friend did it – how do you give your power away?
Contact us if you would like to find out how to do things differently in your life.
Mountain Associates coach, consult and also facilitate a range of different workshop both in-house and open. Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is in September, followed by our Foundation Course and our on-going Organizational TA programme. Call us now for an informal chat about how we can help you and/or your organization.
My friend had not realised that she was inviting the owner to discount her. She acted “small” around him and then sat at reception taking money – which was not what she was being commissioned to do, which again gave her power away.
There are many ways in which we can give our power away and we need to be alert to how we can do this. Above are two ways in which my friend did it – how do you give your power away?
Contact us if you would like to find out how to do things differently in your life.
Mountain Associates coach, consult and also facilitate a range of different workshop both in-house and open. Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is in September, followed by our Foundation Course and our on-going Organizational TA programme. Call us now for an informal chat about how we can help you and/or your organization.
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