Changing Limiting Beliefs

When times are difficult and we are concerned about how to get by we may have a tendency to think negatively. We might continually think about the past in terms of “If only I had not done or done …………..”, or the future in terms of “What if………….” Such thoughts can keep us awake at night and eventually we might become snappy and irritable.

What we need to do instead is stay in the here-and-now and think positive, rather than negative, thoughts. When we notice that we are negatively focussing on a concern we have a range of options (some of which I have discussed in previous blogs and so won’t repeat). Whenever we become aware that we are “worrying” rather than doing something about a difficulty we need to replace the worrying thoughts with the opposite positive thought. Alternatively, we can replace the negative thoughts with any positive thought.

Once we have chosen which option we will take then it is possible to repeat this thought over and over. For example, we are concerned that we cannot get through all the work we have to do and feel overwhelmed, at night in particular, we might be anxious and go over and over what we have to do but with no resolution. Instead we could say to ourselves “I am having an easy day and I know how to do a good job and think through how to manage my workload”. The action statement is important in this, as is saying the phrase in the present tense.

What we’re doing in this process is to re-direct our subconscious onto a different path. When we do this we can release energy from the fight/flight/freeze response so that we can think. In this way our subconscious and higher self can be creative and come up with solutions – including perhaps telling the boss we’re on overload and would value a management discussion on how to deal with the workload; delegating some work to someone else; make the case for an assistant; and finding another job within a more supportive organizational culture. The creation of all these options and probably many more can emerge once we are in the here-and-now i.e. in Accounting Mode in Transactional Analysis terms.

We often limit ourselves by obsessive and negative thoughts which drain our energy. These are usually underpinned by some negative beliefs about self, others and the world, and by addressing the negative belief and updating ourselves we can remain in the present moment. For example, if we are in debt and are worried about how to manage, it may be that underneath we have a belief that “people like us” are not successful, or that “I don’t deserve to be successful” or “I’m too thick to make money and be happy”. All of these thoughts will drain our energy and prevent us from being creative and thinking about positive ways to get out of debt.

Even if we believe we don’t have answers about to how to move forward, when we make the space, options will emerge. Trust the process. Besides which, when we worry we won’t find the answer because we are too exhausted.

So, Lift Your Limits ©, with the daily practice of replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, sifting out those old, outdated beliefs about attaining goals etc., and giving yourself the space so that your subconscious and conscious mind can be creative about solutions.

N.B. Lifting Your Limits is the title of a development programme facilitated by Mountain Associates. For further information contact us ta@mountain-associates.co.uk or +44 (O)1455 824475

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Talking With, Not To, People

One of the most important aspects of leadership is communication. No matter how strategic we are, how intelligent etc. if we cannot get our message across then we need to develop our communication skills.

Sometimes it seems that connecting with each other is one of the most difficult things in the world, when it should be as easy as breathing. The difficulties come when we:

• have the need to control
• aim to prove we are better than others
• put ourselves down
• feel put down and then try to do the same to the other person
• get defensive

Within communication there are so many nuances – how we say things, the tone of our voice, the way we stand, our facial expressions, etc. There also different types of communication – ones where we are talked to like a child, talk to others as if they were a child, talk about others as if they were less than us, imply something without actually saying it and, thank goodness, real communication when we care about the other person, know that we can have an impact on others, really want to relate and learn about what the other person thinks and are prepared to adjust our thinking accordingly. Of course it is sometimes appropriate to put in a boundary and be firm and effectively structuring, but this can be done in a way that is not punitive or “out to get” someone.

Here is an example of a communication process that has the potential to escalate and for at least one person to feel bad and how to avoid that.

Let’s take an example of a communication that appears out to “get someone”. You are doing a presentation and write up something you wish to teach on the flip chart. You teach from this and then, after some discussion, one of the participants says: “What is your thinking about spelling ‘behaviour’ differently on the flip chart?” There appears to be an ulterior transaction here – one that implies something without actually saying it. We, the receiver of this comment, then have a choice. We can feel stupid and shamed by the comment and become defensive, in which case the process will get very messy. Alternatively, we could keep ourselves and the other person OK, saying in an even voice that we did not notice and checking if this was a problem for the participant. In this way, if there was an attempt to show us up, this does not happen and we seek to understand the other person’s concern – for there may have been some reason for his comment that we do not understand.

So where we appear to be invited into a fight or to feel bad we have choices about how we respond. We need to keep ourselves and other OK and still deal with the situation in a way that puts in a boundary at the same time. Remember, suffering is optional!


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Know Where You are Going

When we are going on holiday we have the route mapped out. We follow the sign-posts and hopefully get there without too much difficulty. On the odd occasion we might take a wrong turning but either our map-reading skills, our enquiries or our sat-nav. will tell us how to get back on the right route.

Somehow though we can be somewhat vague when thinking about life and where we want to get to. We even ask children what they want to do when they grow up, we don’t ask them what they want to create in their lives.

When we go on holiday we have some decisions to make and so it is with our lives. What do we want to create in our life? How will we get there? Will anyone go with us or will we do it on our own? If we get lost what will we do – feel annoyed, give up, become anxious or find the right way for us? All of these things are about choosing options and getting the balance between freedom and responsibility. Too much choice without a structure can be frightening for some, whilst too much responsibility can be overwhelming. Obtaining the right balance for us, as an individual, will help us to create what we want in life.

First we must choose our goal. Goals or visions are about what we want to create in our lives and how we want to be, including our values and ideals etc. When we have developed our vision we can decide what primary decisions we need to make to move toward that vision. When these areas are congruent we will feel in harmony with ourselves and with our life.

What do you want to create in your life?