One of the things we get from satisfying relationships with others is a feeling of being “full”. When we make contact with another person and take the time to share we can feel a sense of satisfaction at the honour of hearing another person and on being heard.
However, when under stress these opportunities can become restricted and 2009 is probably one of these times. Due to the financial situation the “full” sense we can get from connectedness can be reduced as all around us there are people suffering from homelessness, threat of redundancy and stress-related ill-health. Therefore at home as well as in the work-place, it is still important to consider how we find ways to feel positively “full”. Some get this from using alcohol, but, as we never get enough of what we don’t need, the short term gain from this will be insufficient to cover the emptiness.
Ironically when stressed, many of us cut off rather than connect, and in so doing are likely to become more and more isolated. Also at these times we can start to project negativity and despair onto others and so things begin to spiral down. Instead of withdrawing we need to find ways to make connection. In this way we can feel nourished and supported even in times of difficulty.
Leaders particularly need to find ways to “fill-up”, rather than run on empty. There are many ways to do this including making opportunities to really meet with people and find ways to understand them. Then, even if we should disagree with them we can do so amicably and through hearing them, rather than attempting to brow-beat them with our opinions. In this way relationships can be developed and maintained. Active listening is a term used in counselling and is appropriate to the development of good relationships wherever, and with whom ever, we are.
Further, when things are getting difficult it is important to check in with ourselves and ask how we are feeling about the situation and then what we need when we feel like this. For example, we may feel angry and need a sounding board, or scared and need to develop some options to allay our fears. Taking account of our feelings is a good way to ensure that we don’t bury our head in the sand and do nothing as eventually this usually makes things worse.
Therefore, when stressed we need to take account of the situation, decide what we are feeling about it and what we need at such times. This will often include such activities as talking with someone, getting some space and objectivity by taking time to go for a walk etc. and then taking the appropriate action to move toward addressing the issue.
Go well.
Mountain Associates are available for coaching and supervision of coaches. We also provide organisational consultancy and in-house training as well as open workshops. Call us now for an informal discussion about how we might be of assistance.
Monday, 9 March 2009
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
Is the problem you or me?
When communicating with others and something goes wrong, how do we know whether the problem is me or you? Well, actually the difficulty is with both people. For example, you might experience me as criticising you and become angry and therefore snap back at me. In so doing you become as much part of the difficulty as I am. Both of us need to pay attention to the way we are saying something as well as to what we are saying i.e. we need to consider process and content.
I might believe that what I said and how I said it was clear and from a here-and-now place. However, perhaps if I could replay it I might hear a certain tone in my voice that showed that I was implying something that was a put-down of you and this hooked your defensive/attacking behaviour. In which case I can acknowledge my part in the process and start again.
Alternatively, I might reflect on what I said, the tone etc. and decide that I said it in an okay way but I still received an attack. In this case I would still need to remain OK with myself and OK with you and ask for clarification about what it is I said that you feel angry/put down about etc. and stay in the here-and-now, without escalating the process. This also invites you to return to the here-and-now so that dialogue can continue.
Hopefully this example shows that just because you are reacting to me in a particular way this does not justify me making one or both of us not OK as this helps no one and dialogue breaks down, leaving bad feelings. Even if I experience being verbally attacked by you it does not mean I need to attack in return. I might need to put in boundaries and ensuring social control but I can do this from a here-and-now place, without escalating the process.
One way to enjoy the challenge of doing something differently is to give yourself marks out of 10 for changing your old negative patterns of behaviour. No one else needs to know about this of course. This way you always get good points, even if you noticed after the event for doing things the old way – at least you noticed so reward yourself with points for noticing. We all like to be recognised for doing well, rather than poorly and you can see how your points increase as you notice more and more, and sooner and sooner.
Enjoy!
Do keep in touch and let us have your thoughts. We facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis so return to the main web site and take a look at our programme or contact us for in-house training and coaching. www.mountain-associates.co.uk
I might believe that what I said and how I said it was clear and from a here-and-now place. However, perhaps if I could replay it I might hear a certain tone in my voice that showed that I was implying something that was a put-down of you and this hooked your defensive/attacking behaviour. In which case I can acknowledge my part in the process and start again.
Alternatively, I might reflect on what I said, the tone etc. and decide that I said it in an okay way but I still received an attack. In this case I would still need to remain OK with myself and OK with you and ask for clarification about what it is I said that you feel angry/put down about etc. and stay in the here-and-now, without escalating the process. This also invites you to return to the here-and-now so that dialogue can continue.
Hopefully this example shows that just because you are reacting to me in a particular way this does not justify me making one or both of us not OK as this helps no one and dialogue breaks down, leaving bad feelings. Even if I experience being verbally attacked by you it does not mean I need to attack in return. I might need to put in boundaries and ensuring social control but I can do this from a here-and-now place, without escalating the process.
One way to enjoy the challenge of doing something differently is to give yourself marks out of 10 for changing your old negative patterns of behaviour. No one else needs to know about this of course. This way you always get good points, even if you noticed after the event for doing things the old way – at least you noticed so reward yourself with points for noticing. We all like to be recognised for doing well, rather than poorly and you can see how your points increase as you notice more and more, and sooner and sooner.
Enjoy!
Do keep in touch and let us have your thoughts. We facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis so return to the main web site and take a look at our programme or contact us for in-house training and coaching. www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Thursday, 22 January 2009
Flexibility and Willingness
How do we maintain our willingness to learn new things and update our knowledge and information when we are a leader?
The difficulty for leaders at all levels is to account our knowledge and perhaps, our lack of knowledge. This is particularly important when we are with others who we manage or supervise. Perhaps that person is sharing something with the team that challenges our frame of reference, or is sharing something we know nothing about. At these times it is important to be OK with ourselves and others even when we lack knowledge.
Those of us who are flexible and willing to learn will experience this as exciting and interesting whilst others of us may discount the new learning and try to maintain our old way of thinking about things. To do this might involve putting down and making not-OK the person, or people, who are delivering the updated information. By holding on to our own perceptions we can believe that we are holding on to our status as a leader as someone who knows. However, how much more permission-giving and exciting our world would be if we were willing to be flexible, maintain an open mind and consider the new. In this simple process there is a profound import. By showing that we are not above learning we give permission to others not to know and to still stay OK. We also show our strength as a leader as we will be seen as someone able and willing to update ourselves and still keep ourselves OK.
Happy learning!
We value hearing your comments so do respond by clicking on the comments link on this page.
For in-house consultancy, training and coaching, as well as to attend our open programmes, contact: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
The difficulty for leaders at all levels is to account our knowledge and perhaps, our lack of knowledge. This is particularly important when we are with others who we manage or supervise. Perhaps that person is sharing something with the team that challenges our frame of reference, or is sharing something we know nothing about. At these times it is important to be OK with ourselves and others even when we lack knowledge.
Those of us who are flexible and willing to learn will experience this as exciting and interesting whilst others of us may discount the new learning and try to maintain our old way of thinking about things. To do this might involve putting down and making not-OK the person, or people, who are delivering the updated information. By holding on to our own perceptions we can believe that we are holding on to our status as a leader as someone who knows. However, how much more permission-giving and exciting our world would be if we were willing to be flexible, maintain an open mind and consider the new. In this simple process there is a profound import. By showing that we are not above learning we give permission to others not to know and to still stay OK. We also show our strength as a leader as we will be seen as someone able and willing to update ourselves and still keep ourselves OK.
Happy learning!
We value hearing your comments so do respond by clicking on the comments link on this page.
For in-house consultancy, training and coaching, as well as to attend our open programmes, contact: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Saturday, 20 December 2008
A Path With Heart
With a New Year approaching many people turn to considering goals and aspirations, e.g. to go to the gym twice a week - only for these to fall at the first hurdle. Perhaps one reason for not completing our best intentions is because they are not fundamental choices i.e. they do not address our passions, how we want to be in life, and how we want, and need, to make connection. This connection, or lack of it, is often at the heart of difficulties. Many of us have lost connection with a sense of ourselves, with others, with nature and with life itself.
At our Organisational Transactional Analysis training workshop last weekend the group raised the issue of the place of spirituality in TA and a short discussion was held about this. In the TA world two of the people who write extensively about this are Muriel James and her son, John James. In their book a Passion for Life they discuss the human need for a spiritual self and the need to connect and go beyond ourselves.
At a time when the world seems in turmoil it is even more important for us to connect and feel that sense of connection. Human beings have the power to intervene in life. We need to ensure that these interventions are life enhancing. When we lose connection we tend to lose empathy for others, for nature and for life itself, and, when this happens, we lose touch with a deeper sense of connection, and thus our spirituality. To connect is to experience ourselves and others and to really encounter life and live with a passion which reflects a quote I saw the other day: Live your life every day.
So, my hope for us all and for the world is that we make real connection with ourselves, with others and with nature in 2009. This is true intimacy and is life enhancing. This fundamental decision to connect starts with our “self” and is not just for life but is about life and is not just for Christmas.
Enjoy the festive season and laugh and love with a passion that is connecting.
We are interested in your comments on these blogs. Go to the link at the bottom of this blog and keep in touch. See you in 2009.
At our Organisational Transactional Analysis training workshop last weekend the group raised the issue of the place of spirituality in TA and a short discussion was held about this. In the TA world two of the people who write extensively about this are Muriel James and her son, John James. In their book a Passion for Life they discuss the human need for a spiritual self and the need to connect and go beyond ourselves.
At a time when the world seems in turmoil it is even more important for us to connect and feel that sense of connection. Human beings have the power to intervene in life. We need to ensure that these interventions are life enhancing. When we lose connection we tend to lose empathy for others, for nature and for life itself, and, when this happens, we lose touch with a deeper sense of connection, and thus our spirituality. To connect is to experience ourselves and others and to really encounter life and live with a passion which reflects a quote I saw the other day: Live your life every day.
So, my hope for us all and for the world is that we make real connection with ourselves, with others and with nature in 2009. This is true intimacy and is life enhancing. This fundamental decision to connect starts with our “self” and is not just for life but is about life and is not just for Christmas.
Enjoy the festive season and laugh and love with a passion that is connecting.
We are interested in your comments on these blogs. Go to the link at the bottom of this blog and keep in touch. See you in 2009.
Thursday, 13 November 2008
Who Shall I Rescue Today?
How often have you gone to help someone and ended up feeling persecuted by them? If this has happened to you it may be that you did not ask the other person if they needed your assistance before assuming what they needed.
Karpman (1968) devised a simple diagram for analysing the “games” that people get into with each other. (In Transactional Analysis a game is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome). Karpman uses three roles as in a play or drama, namely Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim.
Are you one of life’s Rescuers? You think that someone else really needs your assistance and help them without checking whether this is appropriate. Alternatively they may need your help but not as much as you give. The position of Rescuer always discounts someone else’s ability to problem solve. It may be that you seem to be the one who does a lot of the organising on your team’s behalf, when in fact it would be more appropriate to spread this around between everyone.
Perhaps when you did organise an event or task you may not have got the outcome that others wanted and they have a go at you for this. If this happens you may feel bad and move down into the Victim position, which is in fact where you had put your colleagues or staff by thinking that you have to do everything. Your colleagues then move up into the Persecutor position. This feels a far more powerful place than being in Victim which is why people will make that switch.
So by getting involved on the Drama Triangle you can think that you are incapable, think others are incapable or hold others responsible for not looking after you “properly”. Once in any of the three positions - Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim - we can keep going round the Triangle indefinitely.
Often there is one position which we take up more than any of the others. Sometimes we don’t switch round. For example a partnership where one person always decides what is going to happen and when. In these instances there is usually an unspoken agreement that the one partner will look after the other. This “agreement” means that one person takes on the Compliant mode within the relationship whilst the other takes on the Critical or Over-Indulgent mode, thus creating a dependency. When one person tires of this then the roles on the Drama Triangle can start to show. Until this point there may be an unspoken agreement to use just two of the roles, for example, those of Rescuer and Victim, and only later does one of the players switch to Persecutor.
The way to avoid being on the Drama Triangle is to become aware when you and/or others may be discounting self, others or the reality of the situation. For more about this see the Transactional Analysis pages on our web site: www.mountain-associates.co.uk or take a look at some of the excellent books on TA that are around at the moment.
You may be interested to know that our own book on Organizational TA will be published in 2009. Keep an eye on our web site for more details.
Reference:
Stephen Karpman, (1968), “Fairy tales and script drama analysis”. TAB, 7,26, 1968, 39-43
Karpman (1968) devised a simple diagram for analysing the “games” that people get into with each other. (In Transactional Analysis a game is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome). Karpman uses three roles as in a play or drama, namely Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim.
Are you one of life’s Rescuers? You think that someone else really needs your assistance and help them without checking whether this is appropriate. Alternatively they may need your help but not as much as you give. The position of Rescuer always discounts someone else’s ability to problem solve. It may be that you seem to be the one who does a lot of the organising on your team’s behalf, when in fact it would be more appropriate to spread this around between everyone.
Perhaps when you did organise an event or task you may not have got the outcome that others wanted and they have a go at you for this. If this happens you may feel bad and move down into the Victim position, which is in fact where you had put your colleagues or staff by thinking that you have to do everything. Your colleagues then move up into the Persecutor position. This feels a far more powerful place than being in Victim which is why people will make that switch.
So by getting involved on the Drama Triangle you can think that you are incapable, think others are incapable or hold others responsible for not looking after you “properly”. Once in any of the three positions - Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim - we can keep going round the Triangle indefinitely.
Often there is one position which we take up more than any of the others. Sometimes we don’t switch round. For example a partnership where one person always decides what is going to happen and when. In these instances there is usually an unspoken agreement that the one partner will look after the other. This “agreement” means that one person takes on the Compliant mode within the relationship whilst the other takes on the Critical or Over-Indulgent mode, thus creating a dependency. When one person tires of this then the roles on the Drama Triangle can start to show. Until this point there may be an unspoken agreement to use just two of the roles, for example, those of Rescuer and Victim, and only later does one of the players switch to Persecutor.
The way to avoid being on the Drama Triangle is to become aware when you and/or others may be discounting self, others or the reality of the situation. For more about this see the Transactional Analysis pages on our web site: www.mountain-associates.co.uk or take a look at some of the excellent books on TA that are around at the moment.
You may be interested to know that our own book on Organizational TA will be published in 2009. Keep an eye on our web site for more details.
Reference:
Stephen Karpman, (1968), “Fairy tales and script drama analysis”. TAB, 7,26, 1968, 39-43
Thursday, 11 September 2008
Attraction - fatal or otherwise?
What we focus our attention on grows greater in our lives. Have you ever noticed that if you have a small mark, such as a spot on your face that you tend to focus attention on that and feel awful? Life can feel like that as well. When we experience difficulties we tend to focus our attention and energy on that rather than on the positive things in our life. However, this focus of attention is rarely mindfully undertaken, as we can obsess about something without actually really paying sufficient attention to solve or resolve it.
But let’s return to attraction. How often do we see someone getting themselves into the same difficult situation time after time. They may get themselves into difficult jobs, difficult relationships and believe that life is difficult. Whereas another person finds good jobs where they flourish, have great relationships and despite life’s difficulties is an optimistic thinker.
These things don’t just happen by accident. If we want to be positive we need to be in control of our mind, not let our minds control us. When we find ourselves going into a negative spiral we need to stop ourselves, return from that pathway and go down another one – one that is positive and life enhancing. By doing this we will give off better energy as we will be looking for the best in ourselves, others and life. Eventually we stop letting others cross our personal boundaries, increase our confidence, start to feel better and we will respect and value others.
This may sound as if I believe this will be simple – which it can be – however, retraining ourselves to think positively and creatively takes commitment. It means staying in the present moment, enjoying the “now” and believing we and others have value. If your way is not working for you, then this is at least worth a try. We might just start to attract encouragers rather than discouragers and become an encourager ourselves.
For more information about coaching, consultancy, training and supervision contact Mountain Associates: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
We like to hear responses to our blogs to do get in touch. Click on the link below.
But let’s return to attraction. How often do we see someone getting themselves into the same difficult situation time after time. They may get themselves into difficult jobs, difficult relationships and believe that life is difficult. Whereas another person finds good jobs where they flourish, have great relationships and despite life’s difficulties is an optimistic thinker.
These things don’t just happen by accident. If we want to be positive we need to be in control of our mind, not let our minds control us. When we find ourselves going into a negative spiral we need to stop ourselves, return from that pathway and go down another one – one that is positive and life enhancing. By doing this we will give off better energy as we will be looking for the best in ourselves, others and life. Eventually we stop letting others cross our personal boundaries, increase our confidence, start to feel better and we will respect and value others.
This may sound as if I believe this will be simple – which it can be – however, retraining ourselves to think positively and creatively takes commitment. It means staying in the present moment, enjoying the “now” and believing we and others have value. If your way is not working for you, then this is at least worth a try. We might just start to attract encouragers rather than discouragers and become an encourager ourselves.
For more information about coaching, consultancy, training and supervision contact Mountain Associates: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
We like to hear responses to our blogs to do get in touch. Click on the link below.
Monday, 11 August 2008
Talking With, Not To, People
One of the most important aspects of leadership is communication. No matter how strategic we are, how intelligent etc. if we cannot get our message across then we need to develop our communication skills.
Sometimes it seems that connecting with each other is one of the most difficult things in the world, when it should be as easy as breathing. The difficulties come when we:
• have the need to control
• aim to prove we are better than others
• put ourselves down
• feel put down and then try to do the same to the other person
• get defensive
Within communication there are so many nuances – how we say things, the tone of our voice, the way we stand, our facial expressions, etc. There also different types of communication – ones where we are talked to like a child, talk to others as if they were a child, talk about others as if they were less than us, imply something without actually saying it and, thank goodness, real communication when we care about the other person, know that we can have an impact on others, really want to relate and learn about what the other person thinks and are prepared to adjust our thinking accordingly. Of course it is sometimes appropriate to put in a boundary and be firm and effectively structuring, but this can be done in a way that is not punitive or “out to get” someone.
Here is an example of a communication process that has the potential to escalate and for at least one person to feel bad and how to avoid that.
Let’s take an example of a communication that appears out to “get someone”. You are doing a presentation and write up something you wish to teach on the flip chart. You teach from this and then, after some discussion, one of the participants says: “What is your thinking about spelling ‘behaviour’ differently on the flip chart?” There appears to be an ulterior transaction here – one that implies something without actually saying it. We, the receiver of this comment, then have a choice. We can feel stupid and shamed by the comment and become defensive, in which case the process will get very messy. Alternatively, we could keep ourselves and the other person OK, saying in an even voice that we did not notice and checking if this was a problem for the participant. In this way, if there was an attempt to show us up, this does not happen and we seek to understand the other person’s concern – for there may have been some reason for his comment that we do not understand.
So where we appear to be invited into a fight or to feel bad we have choices about how we respond. We need to keep ourselves and other OK and still deal with the situation in a way that puts in a boundary at the same time. Remember, suffering is optional!
Do comment on this post by going clicking on "comments" below and following the link.
For more information about Mountain Associates sign up on our web site: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Sometimes it seems that connecting with each other is one of the most difficult things in the world, when it should be as easy as breathing. The difficulties come when we:
• have the need to control
• aim to prove we are better than others
• put ourselves down
• feel put down and then try to do the same to the other person
• get defensive
Within communication there are so many nuances – how we say things, the tone of our voice, the way we stand, our facial expressions, etc. There also different types of communication – ones where we are talked to like a child, talk to others as if they were a child, talk about others as if they were less than us, imply something without actually saying it and, thank goodness, real communication when we care about the other person, know that we can have an impact on others, really want to relate and learn about what the other person thinks and are prepared to adjust our thinking accordingly. Of course it is sometimes appropriate to put in a boundary and be firm and effectively structuring, but this can be done in a way that is not punitive or “out to get” someone.
Here is an example of a communication process that has the potential to escalate and for at least one person to feel bad and how to avoid that.
Let’s take an example of a communication that appears out to “get someone”. You are doing a presentation and write up something you wish to teach on the flip chart. You teach from this and then, after some discussion, one of the participants says: “What is your thinking about spelling ‘behaviour’ differently on the flip chart?” There appears to be an ulterior transaction here – one that implies something without actually saying it. We, the receiver of this comment, then have a choice. We can feel stupid and shamed by the comment and become defensive, in which case the process will get very messy. Alternatively, we could keep ourselves and the other person OK, saying in an even voice that we did not notice and checking if this was a problem for the participant. In this way, if there was an attempt to show us up, this does not happen and we seek to understand the other person’s concern – for there may have been some reason for his comment that we do not understand.
So where we appear to be invited into a fight or to feel bad we have choices about how we respond. We need to keep ourselves and other OK and still deal with the situation in a way that puts in a boundary at the same time. Remember, suffering is optional!
Do comment on this post by going clicking on "comments" below and following the link.
For more information about Mountain Associates sign up on our web site: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
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