If you are the sort of person who becomes irritated and snappy easily, or you know someone who does, this often appears from the outside to be coming from an I’m OK and You’re not OK position. However, let’s look a bit deeper.
You may be someone who believes that they have to take care of others and be the one who makes things right. If this is the case then it maybe that your feelings of resentment and lack of time for fun are displaced and you become more and more controlling as a way of keeping everything in place – or so it seems. In the end one situation reinforces the next and before you know it you may believe that if you weren’t in control of things everything would fall apart – work, home, friendships etc. This, in itself creates its own tensions.
Very often people who are controlling find other people who believe they need to be looked after and so a co-dependent relationship is established. However, inside the person who appears to be in the control seat may actually be scared. The more scared they are the more controlling they may become and their scared feelings never get addressed. The basic existential life position may be I’m not OK and You’re not OK either.
If you are aware that you do this, or that you are fairly obsessive, then it is time to take stock. Let go a bit, see that others can also share power and control and things can be okay. If you are still fearful then do go and see a coach or psychotherapist who will have the skills to support you to change and grow so that you make the most of life and enjoy it.
Of course, not everyone who is controlling has the fundamental life position of I’m not OK and You’re not OK, so establishing which life position you, or the person who is controlling, is largely coming from will be helpful as the interventions will be different for different people. Therefore uncovering the basic beliefs about self, others and life, is an important step in awareness and then change. However, it is important to know where you are going and why you want to get there as this offers motivation and hope. This in itself provides the momentum to move toward rather than just moving away from something.
So, ask yourself whether you are over controlling, or if you are at times and what these times may be about. Then consider which life position you may be coming from (see the notes on the Transactional Analysis concept of OKayness on our web site: http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/life_positions.html ). Having done this know that this is not a fact but a belief about self and others and that you can change this so that your relationships improve and life is easier. Suffering is optional so you can make the changes you need to make and get the help you need to do so if this is scary for you. If you are reluctant to make the changes so that you are largely in the life position of I’m OK and You’re OK, then consider why you might be resistant. This resistance is telling you something that you may need to deal with first so that you feel safe to make the changes you want to make.
So, the next time you may be snappy with a work colleague, or at home with the family or friends, then ask yourself what it is about and find out if there is anything beneath this irritability that needs dealing with.
Have a safe journey!
Why not start a discussion about this or our other blogs. We would like to hear from you.
If you would like to experience coaching, training or consultancy with Mountain Associates then give us a call or get in touch with us through our web site.
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Thursday, 16 April 2009
I Take Care of You So That You Take Care Of Me
Here is another blog which has some links with last months.
Are you the sort of person who likes to look after others? Do you like to pre-empt other’s needs and take care of them? Do you feel alone or abandoned when not looking after others? If so, then you might end up feeling fearful and, in addition, a victim of others who take advantage of you. This is probably not your intention, but it is likely to be an outcome. When we continuously put others before ourselves this may cover the belief that we are only OK as long as we are looking after others, whilst in return we expect them to be nice to us and look after us in some way.
How many times at work have you said “yes” to taking on another task when you know that doing so will mean that you feel overwhelmed and have to work extra hours? You might rationalise this by saying to yourself “At least this means they value me”, or “At least I don’t have the think about being alone at home as I will need to work late”. Thus these “yes’s” enable us to avoid developing a friendship network, or ensuring our home life is satisfying.
If we have developed this particular way of being we need to tell ourselves that we are important – and sometimes more important, than other people. As a way to remember this let’s take the analogy of aircrew on any flight anywhere in the world. The first thing the aircrew do is tell us how to put on our life jackets and to put these on first, before helping the elderly, frail or young with theirs. The rationale for this is that we need to be prepared for any emergency so that we are available to support others. In everyday life our “life-jacket” is the nurture and care we need to give ourselves. We need to like ourselves, be happy with our own company and have confidence in who we are. With this “life-jacket” we are able to set boundaries as well as give and receive support in a balanced way.
If we are saying “yes” as a way of avoiding dealing with something then we need to ask ourselves: “If things go on as they are how will I be?” and “If things get worse, how will I be?”, and then “Is this okay with me and if not what options do I have?”
We need to see how we feel about the answers to these questions and then decide what action to take. Thoughtful and caring action will enable us to deal with difficult situations. We may need to get support and talk to someone else, not to get the answers from them but as a sounding board. In this way we can get control of our own lives and take our own power to have more of the life we need and want.
Life is all about inter-dependence - not co-dependence, which is what we get when we take a passive rather than pro-active stance. So, do it today, get your life-jacket on and life will get richer.
For more information on Mountain Associates visit our main web pages:
www.mountain-associates.co.uk Let us know what you think about our blogs. Contact us for in-house training, coaching and consultancy, and to find out about our open workshops.
Are you the sort of person who likes to look after others? Do you like to pre-empt other’s needs and take care of them? Do you feel alone or abandoned when not looking after others? If so, then you might end up feeling fearful and, in addition, a victim of others who take advantage of you. This is probably not your intention, but it is likely to be an outcome. When we continuously put others before ourselves this may cover the belief that we are only OK as long as we are looking after others, whilst in return we expect them to be nice to us and look after us in some way.
How many times at work have you said “yes” to taking on another task when you know that doing so will mean that you feel overwhelmed and have to work extra hours? You might rationalise this by saying to yourself “At least this means they value me”, or “At least I don’t have the think about being alone at home as I will need to work late”. Thus these “yes’s” enable us to avoid developing a friendship network, or ensuring our home life is satisfying.
If we have developed this particular way of being we need to tell ourselves that we are important – and sometimes more important, than other people. As a way to remember this let’s take the analogy of aircrew on any flight anywhere in the world. The first thing the aircrew do is tell us how to put on our life jackets and to put these on first, before helping the elderly, frail or young with theirs. The rationale for this is that we need to be prepared for any emergency so that we are available to support others. In everyday life our “life-jacket” is the nurture and care we need to give ourselves. We need to like ourselves, be happy with our own company and have confidence in who we are. With this “life-jacket” we are able to set boundaries as well as give and receive support in a balanced way.
If we are saying “yes” as a way of avoiding dealing with something then we need to ask ourselves: “If things go on as they are how will I be?” and “If things get worse, how will I be?”, and then “Is this okay with me and if not what options do I have?”
We need to see how we feel about the answers to these questions and then decide what action to take. Thoughtful and caring action will enable us to deal with difficult situations. We may need to get support and talk to someone else, not to get the answers from them but as a sounding board. In this way we can get control of our own lives and take our own power to have more of the life we need and want.
Life is all about inter-dependence - not co-dependence, which is what we get when we take a passive rather than pro-active stance. So, do it today, get your life-jacket on and life will get richer.
For more information on Mountain Associates visit our main web pages:
www.mountain-associates.co.uk Let us know what you think about our blogs. Contact us for in-house training, coaching and consultancy, and to find out about our open workshops.
Monday, 9 March 2009
Feeling Full
One of the things we get from satisfying relationships with others is a feeling of being “full”. When we make contact with another person and take the time to share we can feel a sense of satisfaction at the honour of hearing another person and on being heard.
However, when under stress these opportunities can become restricted and 2009 is probably one of these times. Due to the financial situation the “full” sense we can get from connectedness can be reduced as all around us there are people suffering from homelessness, threat of redundancy and stress-related ill-health. Therefore at home as well as in the work-place, it is still important to consider how we find ways to feel positively “full”. Some get this from using alcohol, but, as we never get enough of what we don’t need, the short term gain from this will be insufficient to cover the emptiness.
Ironically when stressed, many of us cut off rather than connect, and in so doing are likely to become more and more isolated. Also at these times we can start to project negativity and despair onto others and so things begin to spiral down. Instead of withdrawing we need to find ways to make connection. In this way we can feel nourished and supported even in times of difficulty.
Leaders particularly need to find ways to “fill-up”, rather than run on empty. There are many ways to do this including making opportunities to really meet with people and find ways to understand them. Then, even if we should disagree with them we can do so amicably and through hearing them, rather than attempting to brow-beat them with our opinions. In this way relationships can be developed and maintained. Active listening is a term used in counselling and is appropriate to the development of good relationships wherever, and with whom ever, we are.
Further, when things are getting difficult it is important to check in with ourselves and ask how we are feeling about the situation and then what we need when we feel like this. For example, we may feel angry and need a sounding board, or scared and need to develop some options to allay our fears. Taking account of our feelings is a good way to ensure that we don’t bury our head in the sand and do nothing as eventually this usually makes things worse.
Therefore, when stressed we need to take account of the situation, decide what we are feeling about it and what we need at such times. This will often include such activities as talking with someone, getting some space and objectivity by taking time to go for a walk etc. and then taking the appropriate action to move toward addressing the issue.
Go well.
Mountain Associates are available for coaching and supervision of coaches. We also provide organisational consultancy and in-house training as well as open workshops. Call us now for an informal discussion about how we might be of assistance.
However, when under stress these opportunities can become restricted and 2009 is probably one of these times. Due to the financial situation the “full” sense we can get from connectedness can be reduced as all around us there are people suffering from homelessness, threat of redundancy and stress-related ill-health. Therefore at home as well as in the work-place, it is still important to consider how we find ways to feel positively “full”. Some get this from using alcohol, but, as we never get enough of what we don’t need, the short term gain from this will be insufficient to cover the emptiness.
Ironically when stressed, many of us cut off rather than connect, and in so doing are likely to become more and more isolated. Also at these times we can start to project negativity and despair onto others and so things begin to spiral down. Instead of withdrawing we need to find ways to make connection. In this way we can feel nourished and supported even in times of difficulty.
Leaders particularly need to find ways to “fill-up”, rather than run on empty. There are many ways to do this including making opportunities to really meet with people and find ways to understand them. Then, even if we should disagree with them we can do so amicably and through hearing them, rather than attempting to brow-beat them with our opinions. In this way relationships can be developed and maintained. Active listening is a term used in counselling and is appropriate to the development of good relationships wherever, and with whom ever, we are.
Further, when things are getting difficult it is important to check in with ourselves and ask how we are feeling about the situation and then what we need when we feel like this. For example, we may feel angry and need a sounding board, or scared and need to develop some options to allay our fears. Taking account of our feelings is a good way to ensure that we don’t bury our head in the sand and do nothing as eventually this usually makes things worse.
Therefore, when stressed we need to take account of the situation, decide what we are feeling about it and what we need at such times. This will often include such activities as talking with someone, getting some space and objectivity by taking time to go for a walk etc. and then taking the appropriate action to move toward addressing the issue.
Go well.
Mountain Associates are available for coaching and supervision of coaches. We also provide organisational consultancy and in-house training as well as open workshops. Call us now for an informal discussion about how we might be of assistance.
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
Is the problem you or me?
When communicating with others and something goes wrong, how do we know whether the problem is me or you? Well, actually the difficulty is with both people. For example, you might experience me as criticising you and become angry and therefore snap back at me. In so doing you become as much part of the difficulty as I am. Both of us need to pay attention to the way we are saying something as well as to what we are saying i.e. we need to consider process and content.
I might believe that what I said and how I said it was clear and from a here-and-now place. However, perhaps if I could replay it I might hear a certain tone in my voice that showed that I was implying something that was a put-down of you and this hooked your defensive/attacking behaviour. In which case I can acknowledge my part in the process and start again.
Alternatively, I might reflect on what I said, the tone etc. and decide that I said it in an okay way but I still received an attack. In this case I would still need to remain OK with myself and OK with you and ask for clarification about what it is I said that you feel angry/put down about etc. and stay in the here-and-now, without escalating the process. This also invites you to return to the here-and-now so that dialogue can continue.
Hopefully this example shows that just because you are reacting to me in a particular way this does not justify me making one or both of us not OK as this helps no one and dialogue breaks down, leaving bad feelings. Even if I experience being verbally attacked by you it does not mean I need to attack in return. I might need to put in boundaries and ensuring social control but I can do this from a here-and-now place, without escalating the process.
One way to enjoy the challenge of doing something differently is to give yourself marks out of 10 for changing your old negative patterns of behaviour. No one else needs to know about this of course. This way you always get good points, even if you noticed after the event for doing things the old way – at least you noticed so reward yourself with points for noticing. We all like to be recognised for doing well, rather than poorly and you can see how your points increase as you notice more and more, and sooner and sooner.
Enjoy!
Do keep in touch and let us have your thoughts. We facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis so return to the main web site and take a look at our programme or contact us for in-house training and coaching. www.mountain-associates.co.uk
I might believe that what I said and how I said it was clear and from a here-and-now place. However, perhaps if I could replay it I might hear a certain tone in my voice that showed that I was implying something that was a put-down of you and this hooked your defensive/attacking behaviour. In which case I can acknowledge my part in the process and start again.
Alternatively, I might reflect on what I said, the tone etc. and decide that I said it in an okay way but I still received an attack. In this case I would still need to remain OK with myself and OK with you and ask for clarification about what it is I said that you feel angry/put down about etc. and stay in the here-and-now, without escalating the process. This also invites you to return to the here-and-now so that dialogue can continue.
Hopefully this example shows that just because you are reacting to me in a particular way this does not justify me making one or both of us not OK as this helps no one and dialogue breaks down, leaving bad feelings. Even if I experience being verbally attacked by you it does not mean I need to attack in return. I might need to put in boundaries and ensuring social control but I can do this from a here-and-now place, without escalating the process.
One way to enjoy the challenge of doing something differently is to give yourself marks out of 10 for changing your old negative patterns of behaviour. No one else needs to know about this of course. This way you always get good points, even if you noticed after the event for doing things the old way – at least you noticed so reward yourself with points for noticing. We all like to be recognised for doing well, rather than poorly and you can see how your points increase as you notice more and more, and sooner and sooner.
Enjoy!
Do keep in touch and let us have your thoughts. We facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis so return to the main web site and take a look at our programme or contact us for in-house training and coaching. www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Thursday, 22 January 2009
Flexibility and Willingness
How do we maintain our willingness to learn new things and update our knowledge and information when we are a leader?
The difficulty for leaders at all levels is to account our knowledge and perhaps, our lack of knowledge. This is particularly important when we are with others who we manage or supervise. Perhaps that person is sharing something with the team that challenges our frame of reference, or is sharing something we know nothing about. At these times it is important to be OK with ourselves and others even when we lack knowledge.
Those of us who are flexible and willing to learn will experience this as exciting and interesting whilst others of us may discount the new learning and try to maintain our old way of thinking about things. To do this might involve putting down and making not-OK the person, or people, who are delivering the updated information. By holding on to our own perceptions we can believe that we are holding on to our status as a leader as someone who knows. However, how much more permission-giving and exciting our world would be if we were willing to be flexible, maintain an open mind and consider the new. In this simple process there is a profound import. By showing that we are not above learning we give permission to others not to know and to still stay OK. We also show our strength as a leader as we will be seen as someone able and willing to update ourselves and still keep ourselves OK.
Happy learning!
We value hearing your comments so do respond by clicking on the comments link on this page.
For in-house consultancy, training and coaching, as well as to attend our open programmes, contact: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
The difficulty for leaders at all levels is to account our knowledge and perhaps, our lack of knowledge. This is particularly important when we are with others who we manage or supervise. Perhaps that person is sharing something with the team that challenges our frame of reference, or is sharing something we know nothing about. At these times it is important to be OK with ourselves and others even when we lack knowledge.
Those of us who are flexible and willing to learn will experience this as exciting and interesting whilst others of us may discount the new learning and try to maintain our old way of thinking about things. To do this might involve putting down and making not-OK the person, or people, who are delivering the updated information. By holding on to our own perceptions we can believe that we are holding on to our status as a leader as someone who knows. However, how much more permission-giving and exciting our world would be if we were willing to be flexible, maintain an open mind and consider the new. In this simple process there is a profound import. By showing that we are not above learning we give permission to others not to know and to still stay OK. We also show our strength as a leader as we will be seen as someone able and willing to update ourselves and still keep ourselves OK.
Happy learning!
We value hearing your comments so do respond by clicking on the comments link on this page.
For in-house consultancy, training and coaching, as well as to attend our open programmes, contact: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Saturday, 20 December 2008
A Path With Heart
With a New Year approaching many people turn to considering goals and aspirations, e.g. to go to the gym twice a week - only for these to fall at the first hurdle. Perhaps one reason for not completing our best intentions is because they are not fundamental choices i.e. they do not address our passions, how we want to be in life, and how we want, and need, to make connection. This connection, or lack of it, is often at the heart of difficulties. Many of us have lost connection with a sense of ourselves, with others, with nature and with life itself.
At our Organisational Transactional Analysis training workshop last weekend the group raised the issue of the place of spirituality in TA and a short discussion was held about this. In the TA world two of the people who write extensively about this are Muriel James and her son, John James. In their book a Passion for Life they discuss the human need for a spiritual self and the need to connect and go beyond ourselves.
At a time when the world seems in turmoil it is even more important for us to connect and feel that sense of connection. Human beings have the power to intervene in life. We need to ensure that these interventions are life enhancing. When we lose connection we tend to lose empathy for others, for nature and for life itself, and, when this happens, we lose touch with a deeper sense of connection, and thus our spirituality. To connect is to experience ourselves and others and to really encounter life and live with a passion which reflects a quote I saw the other day: Live your life every day.
So, my hope for us all and for the world is that we make real connection with ourselves, with others and with nature in 2009. This is true intimacy and is life enhancing. This fundamental decision to connect starts with our “self” and is not just for life but is about life and is not just for Christmas.
Enjoy the festive season and laugh and love with a passion that is connecting.
We are interested in your comments on these blogs. Go to the link at the bottom of this blog and keep in touch. See you in 2009.
At our Organisational Transactional Analysis training workshop last weekend the group raised the issue of the place of spirituality in TA and a short discussion was held about this. In the TA world two of the people who write extensively about this are Muriel James and her son, John James. In their book a Passion for Life they discuss the human need for a spiritual self and the need to connect and go beyond ourselves.
At a time when the world seems in turmoil it is even more important for us to connect and feel that sense of connection. Human beings have the power to intervene in life. We need to ensure that these interventions are life enhancing. When we lose connection we tend to lose empathy for others, for nature and for life itself, and, when this happens, we lose touch with a deeper sense of connection, and thus our spirituality. To connect is to experience ourselves and others and to really encounter life and live with a passion which reflects a quote I saw the other day: Live your life every day.
So, my hope for us all and for the world is that we make real connection with ourselves, with others and with nature in 2009. This is true intimacy and is life enhancing. This fundamental decision to connect starts with our “self” and is not just for life but is about life and is not just for Christmas.
Enjoy the festive season and laugh and love with a passion that is connecting.
We are interested in your comments on these blogs. Go to the link at the bottom of this blog and keep in touch. See you in 2009.
Thursday, 13 November 2008
Who Shall I Rescue Today?
How often have you gone to help someone and ended up feeling persecuted by them? If this has happened to you it may be that you did not ask the other person if they needed your assistance before assuming what they needed.
Karpman (1968) devised a simple diagram for analysing the “games” that people get into with each other. (In Transactional Analysis a game is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome). Karpman uses three roles as in a play or drama, namely Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim.
Are you one of life’s Rescuers? You think that someone else really needs your assistance and help them without checking whether this is appropriate. Alternatively they may need your help but not as much as you give. The position of Rescuer always discounts someone else’s ability to problem solve. It may be that you seem to be the one who does a lot of the organising on your team’s behalf, when in fact it would be more appropriate to spread this around between everyone.
Perhaps when you did organise an event or task you may not have got the outcome that others wanted and they have a go at you for this. If this happens you may feel bad and move down into the Victim position, which is in fact where you had put your colleagues or staff by thinking that you have to do everything. Your colleagues then move up into the Persecutor position. This feels a far more powerful place than being in Victim which is why people will make that switch.
So by getting involved on the Drama Triangle you can think that you are incapable, think others are incapable or hold others responsible for not looking after you “properly”. Once in any of the three positions - Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim - we can keep going round the Triangle indefinitely.
Often there is one position which we take up more than any of the others. Sometimes we don’t switch round. For example a partnership where one person always decides what is going to happen and when. In these instances there is usually an unspoken agreement that the one partner will look after the other. This “agreement” means that one person takes on the Compliant mode within the relationship whilst the other takes on the Critical or Over-Indulgent mode, thus creating a dependency. When one person tires of this then the roles on the Drama Triangle can start to show. Until this point there may be an unspoken agreement to use just two of the roles, for example, those of Rescuer and Victim, and only later does one of the players switch to Persecutor.
The way to avoid being on the Drama Triangle is to become aware when you and/or others may be discounting self, others or the reality of the situation. For more about this see the Transactional Analysis pages on our web site: www.mountain-associates.co.uk or take a look at some of the excellent books on TA that are around at the moment.
You may be interested to know that our own book on Organizational TA will be published in 2009. Keep an eye on our web site for more details.
Reference:
Stephen Karpman, (1968), “Fairy tales and script drama analysis”. TAB, 7,26, 1968, 39-43
Karpman (1968) devised a simple diagram for analysing the “games” that people get into with each other. (In Transactional Analysis a game is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome). Karpman uses three roles as in a play or drama, namely Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim.
Are you one of life’s Rescuers? You think that someone else really needs your assistance and help them without checking whether this is appropriate. Alternatively they may need your help but not as much as you give. The position of Rescuer always discounts someone else’s ability to problem solve. It may be that you seem to be the one who does a lot of the organising on your team’s behalf, when in fact it would be more appropriate to spread this around between everyone.
Perhaps when you did organise an event or task you may not have got the outcome that others wanted and they have a go at you for this. If this happens you may feel bad and move down into the Victim position, which is in fact where you had put your colleagues or staff by thinking that you have to do everything. Your colleagues then move up into the Persecutor position. This feels a far more powerful place than being in Victim which is why people will make that switch.
So by getting involved on the Drama Triangle you can think that you are incapable, think others are incapable or hold others responsible for not looking after you “properly”. Once in any of the three positions - Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim - we can keep going round the Triangle indefinitely.
Often there is one position which we take up more than any of the others. Sometimes we don’t switch round. For example a partnership where one person always decides what is going to happen and when. In these instances there is usually an unspoken agreement that the one partner will look after the other. This “agreement” means that one person takes on the Compliant mode within the relationship whilst the other takes on the Critical or Over-Indulgent mode, thus creating a dependency. When one person tires of this then the roles on the Drama Triangle can start to show. Until this point there may be an unspoken agreement to use just two of the roles, for example, those of Rescuer and Victim, and only later does one of the players switch to Persecutor.
The way to avoid being on the Drama Triangle is to become aware when you and/or others may be discounting self, others or the reality of the situation. For more about this see the Transactional Analysis pages on our web site: www.mountain-associates.co.uk or take a look at some of the excellent books on TA that are around at the moment.
You may be interested to know that our own book on Organizational TA will be published in 2009. Keep an eye on our web site for more details.
Reference:
Stephen Karpman, (1968), “Fairy tales and script drama analysis”. TAB, 7,26, 1968, 39-43
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)