When times are difficult and we are concerned about how to get by we may have a tendency to think negatively. We might continually think about the past in terms of “If only I had not done or done …………..”, or the future in terms of “What if………….” Such thoughts can keep us awake at night and eventually we might become snappy and irritable.
What we need to do instead is stay in the here-and-now and think positive, rather than negative, thoughts. When we notice that we are negatively focussing on a concern we have a range of options (some of which I have discussed in previous blogs and so won’t repeat). Whenever we become aware that we are “worrying” rather than doing something about a difficulty we need to replace the worrying thoughts with the opposite positive thought. Alternatively, we can replace the negative thoughts with any positive thought.
Once we have chosen which option we will take then it is possible to repeat this thought over and over. For example, we are concerned that we cannot get through all the work we have to do and feel overwhelmed, at night in particular, we might be anxious and go over and over what we have to do but with no resolution. Instead we could say to ourselves “I am having an easy day and I know how to do a good job and think through how to manage my workload”. The action statement is important in this, as is saying the phrase in the present tense.
What we’re doing in this process is to re-direct our subconscious onto a different path. When we do this we can release energy from the fight/flight/freeze response so that we can think. In this way our subconscious and higher self can be creative and come up with solutions – including perhaps telling the boss we’re on overload and would value a management discussion on how to deal with the workload; delegating some work to someone else; make the case for an assistant; and finding another job within a more supportive organizational culture. The creation of all these options and probably many more can emerge once we are in the here-and-now i.e. in Accounting Mode in Transactional Analysis terms.
We often limit ourselves by obsessive and negative thoughts which drain our energy. These are usually underpinned by some negative beliefs about self, others and the world, and by addressing the negative belief and updating ourselves we can remain in the present moment. For example, if we are in debt and are worried about how to manage, it may be that underneath we have a belief that “people like us” are not successful, or that “I don’t deserve to be successful” or “I’m too thick to make money and be happy”. All of these thoughts will drain our energy and prevent us from being creative and thinking about positive ways to get out of debt.
Even if we believe we don’t have answers about to how to move forward, when we make the space, options will emerge. Trust the process. Besides which, when we worry we won’t find the answer because we are too exhausted.
So, Lift Your Limits ©, with the daily practice of replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, sifting out those old, outdated beliefs about attaining goals etc., and giving yourself the space so that your subconscious and conscious mind can be creative about solutions.
N.B. Lifting Your Limits is the title of a development programme facilitated by Mountain Associates. For further information contact us ta@mountain-associates.co.uk or +44 (O)1455 824475
Please let us know your thoughts about the blogs. We value your ideas and responses. Click on the link below to send us your response.
Thursday, 27 August 2009
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
Who’s Really There?
Communication difficulties often start because we see who we think is there but don’t actually take the time to find out who we are really relating with (or not!).
Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, said that “In order to say Hello, you first get rid of all the trash which has accumulated in your head ever since you came home from the maternity ward, and then you recognise that this particular Hello will never happen again” (What Do You Say After You Say Hello, 1984). The “trash” consists of all the messages we have received, all the experiences we have had and how we have translated and made sense of them, in order to get by in the world as we see it.
In order to get by we have developed a frame of reference, a way of seeing the world that, in the long run, may or may not be helpful. In so doing we can believe that all people who are like this, or like that, are the same or similar. These projections and assumptions are quick to make and mean that we can maintain our frame of reference. This means that we don’t have to find out who, and how, people really are.
In the work place management and leadership have to make many decisions and, if we need to make a joint decision, many of us try to convert other people to our way of thinking. Conflict ensues and there is a tendency to polarise. We have very little understanding about why someone may think they way they do and we may write them off by saying “They would say that” etc. How different it would be if we put down our assumptions and prejudices and found out how the other person or people got to that decision, rather than trying to convert them to our way. After all is someone has been raised in Thailand, another in Poland, another from an Asian British culture it is to be expected that we will all have a different perspective and a way of doing something. We need to find out about each other first so that we can understand different perspectives and find the merits of these before promoting just our own view. This way we can move to a co-creative process taking the benefits of each and probably come out with a better solution.
When we don’t know someone, or don’t understand them, it is easy to write them off. How do we feel when we are dismissed and “written off”? I know I don’t like it and therefore aim not to do this to others. After all, maintaining all the “trash” we have accumulated since the maternity ward is actually a loss to us all, the organisation included and is a much bigger risk than dumping the “trash”. To do this I need to be aware of my own prejudices and assumptions about men, women, culture, ability, gender and be prepared to be known and to know others.
I have heard some say “We don’t have time to get to know and understand where others are coming from”. Well, actually, we don’t have time not to as so much time is wasted by conflict, or just plain resentment and passivity. As we do take the time to get to know with whom we are working and understand how come they got to that conclusion the process will become easier and the decision making quicker. In addition the outcomes are likely to be more creative and dynamic with an increase in respect for each other.
Mountain Associates facilitate open-workshops on a range of subject areas based on the application of Transactional Analysis. Do get in touch if you are interested in courses, coaching or supervision of coaches. We look forward to hearing from you.
Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, said that “In order to say Hello, you first get rid of all the trash which has accumulated in your head ever since you came home from the maternity ward, and then you recognise that this particular Hello will never happen again” (What Do You Say After You Say Hello, 1984). The “trash” consists of all the messages we have received, all the experiences we have had and how we have translated and made sense of them, in order to get by in the world as we see it.
In order to get by we have developed a frame of reference, a way of seeing the world that, in the long run, may or may not be helpful. In so doing we can believe that all people who are like this, or like that, are the same or similar. These projections and assumptions are quick to make and mean that we can maintain our frame of reference. This means that we don’t have to find out who, and how, people really are.
In the work place management and leadership have to make many decisions and, if we need to make a joint decision, many of us try to convert other people to our way of thinking. Conflict ensues and there is a tendency to polarise. We have very little understanding about why someone may think they way they do and we may write them off by saying “They would say that” etc. How different it would be if we put down our assumptions and prejudices and found out how the other person or people got to that decision, rather than trying to convert them to our way. After all is someone has been raised in Thailand, another in Poland, another from an Asian British culture it is to be expected that we will all have a different perspective and a way of doing something. We need to find out about each other first so that we can understand different perspectives and find the merits of these before promoting just our own view. This way we can move to a co-creative process taking the benefits of each and probably come out with a better solution.
When we don’t know someone, or don’t understand them, it is easy to write them off. How do we feel when we are dismissed and “written off”? I know I don’t like it and therefore aim not to do this to others. After all, maintaining all the “trash” we have accumulated since the maternity ward is actually a loss to us all, the organisation included and is a much bigger risk than dumping the “trash”. To do this I need to be aware of my own prejudices and assumptions about men, women, culture, ability, gender and be prepared to be known and to know others.
I have heard some say “We don’t have time to get to know and understand where others are coming from”. Well, actually, we don’t have time not to as so much time is wasted by conflict, or just plain resentment and passivity. As we do take the time to get to know with whom we are working and understand how come they got to that conclusion the process will become easier and the decision making quicker. In addition the outcomes are likely to be more creative and dynamic with an increase in respect for each other.
Mountain Associates facilitate open-workshops on a range of subject areas based on the application of Transactional Analysis. Do get in touch if you are interested in courses, coaching or supervision of coaches. We look forward to hearing from you.
Monday, 22 June 2009
What Is Good Practice?
Good practice is based on beliefs, values and opinions, from which ethical behaviour stems. The dictionary definition of ethics is: philosophical study of the moral value of human conduct and of the rules and principles that ought to govern it. (The New Collins Concise English Dictionary).
Given the current issues surrounding MP's expenses in the UK, now is a very good time for those of us working in organisations to consider our own ethics.
There are few references to ethical behaviour in the management and organisational literature. Many refer to the values an organisation may hold, but not how these translate into action. This may be partly due to the fact that consultants and those working in organisations come from a variety of educational and professional backgrounds where these may not have been considered.
For example, if an organisation uses as its mission statement "We value people", how will that organisation find ways of demonstrating this? What are the implications for that organisation when this is not demonstrated?
The belief system is an important part of TA. There are many people who know the theoretical TA concepts but do not put the underpinning philosophy into practice, thereby making their actions and theoretical knowledge incongruent.
Beliefs are often unconscious patterned thinking processes and may, therefore, be hard to identify. The need to make meaning, find causes or maintain our identity, guides our beliefs, which by their nature, are not necessarily related to facts, even though we may act as though they are.
Our beliefs will effect how we behave, and our beliefs are part of our identity. Changing either our beliefs, or how we view ourselves will effect our actions. This will include who we work with and how we work with them.
There are some values that are deeply rooted and global and some that are dependent on circumstances. Organisations which have alignment of shared values increase employee commitment, confidence and achievement.
Codes of Ethics
The European Association of Transactional Analysis (EATA) and the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA) have Codes of Ethics to which all members of those organisations agree to adhere to. This offers clients a measure of protection.
The ethical considerations for those working in organisations can be ambiguous and as such are not always sufficiently addressed by either the national or international bodies. Those of us using TA in organisations need to develop our Adult awareness about our own ethical principles.
Awareness of three cornered contracting (English, 1975) is necessary as consultants have contracts with the commissioning agent as well as course participants. It is these relationships which can create the ambiguity. A one to one contract is not usually the case for an organisational consultant which means that these relationships can be complex and sometimes confusing, which has implications for boundary setting. It is therefore "........vitally important that the consultant have clear, conscious, and consistent ethical standards" (Garfield 1993).
References:
Dilts R., Hallbom T, & Smith S. (1990) Beliefs. Pathways to Health and Well-being.
English F. (1975) Three-Cornered Contract TAJ 5:4
Garfield V. (1993) Ethical Principles for Work in Organisations TAJ 23:2
van Hauen F. Kastberg B, Soden A (1999) Dare to Kiss the Frog
We are interested in hearing your comments on our blogs. Do respond using the link on this page
Mountain Associates train others both nationally and internationally as well as facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis including Developmental/Organisational TA. Please contact us for further details: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Given the current issues surrounding MP's expenses in the UK, now is a very good time for those of us working in organisations to consider our own ethics.
There are few references to ethical behaviour in the management and organisational literature. Many refer to the values an organisation may hold, but not how these translate into action. This may be partly due to the fact that consultants and those working in organisations come from a variety of educational and professional backgrounds where these may not have been considered.
For example, if an organisation uses as its mission statement "We value people", how will that organisation find ways of demonstrating this? What are the implications for that organisation when this is not demonstrated?
The belief system is an important part of TA. There are many people who know the theoretical TA concepts but do not put the underpinning philosophy into practice, thereby making their actions and theoretical knowledge incongruent.
Beliefs are often unconscious patterned thinking processes and may, therefore, be hard to identify. The need to make meaning, find causes or maintain our identity, guides our beliefs, which by their nature, are not necessarily related to facts, even though we may act as though they are.
Our beliefs will effect how we behave, and our beliefs are part of our identity. Changing either our beliefs, or how we view ourselves will effect our actions. This will include who we work with and how we work with them.
There are some values that are deeply rooted and global and some that are dependent on circumstances. Organisations which have alignment of shared values increase employee commitment, confidence and achievement.
Codes of Ethics
The European Association of Transactional Analysis (EATA) and the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA) have Codes of Ethics to which all members of those organisations agree to adhere to. This offers clients a measure of protection.
The ethical considerations for those working in organisations can be ambiguous and as such are not always sufficiently addressed by either the national or international bodies. Those of us using TA in organisations need to develop our Adult awareness about our own ethical principles.
Awareness of three cornered contracting (English, 1975) is necessary as consultants have contracts with the commissioning agent as well as course participants. It is these relationships which can create the ambiguity. A one to one contract is not usually the case for an organisational consultant which means that these relationships can be complex and sometimes confusing, which has implications for boundary setting. It is therefore "........vitally important that the consultant have clear, conscious, and consistent ethical standards" (Garfield 1993).
References:
Dilts R., Hallbom T, & Smith S. (1990) Beliefs. Pathways to Health and Well-being.
English F. (1975) Three-Cornered Contract TAJ 5:4
Garfield V. (1993) Ethical Principles for Work in Organisations TAJ 23:2
van Hauen F. Kastberg B, Soden A (1999) Dare to Kiss the Frog
We are interested in hearing your comments on our blogs. Do respond using the link on this page
Mountain Associates train others both nationally and internationally as well as facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis including Developmental/Organisational TA. Please contact us for further details: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Power and Control
If you are the sort of person who becomes irritated and snappy easily, or you know someone who does, this often appears from the outside to be coming from an I’m OK and You’re not OK position. However, let’s look a bit deeper.
You may be someone who believes that they have to take care of others and be the one who makes things right. If this is the case then it maybe that your feelings of resentment and lack of time for fun are displaced and you become more and more controlling as a way of keeping everything in place – or so it seems. In the end one situation reinforces the next and before you know it you may believe that if you weren’t in control of things everything would fall apart – work, home, friendships etc. This, in itself creates its own tensions.
Very often people who are controlling find other people who believe they need to be looked after and so a co-dependent relationship is established. However, inside the person who appears to be in the control seat may actually be scared. The more scared they are the more controlling they may become and their scared feelings never get addressed. The basic existential life position may be I’m not OK and You’re not OK either.
If you are aware that you do this, or that you are fairly obsessive, then it is time to take stock. Let go a bit, see that others can also share power and control and things can be okay. If you are still fearful then do go and see a coach or psychotherapist who will have the skills to support you to change and grow so that you make the most of life and enjoy it.
Of course, not everyone who is controlling has the fundamental life position of I’m not OK and You’re not OK, so establishing which life position you, or the person who is controlling, is largely coming from will be helpful as the interventions will be different for different people. Therefore uncovering the basic beliefs about self, others and life, is an important step in awareness and then change. However, it is important to know where you are going and why you want to get there as this offers motivation and hope. This in itself provides the momentum to move toward rather than just moving away from something.
So, ask yourself whether you are over controlling, or if you are at times and what these times may be about. Then consider which life position you may be coming from (see the notes on the Transactional Analysis concept of OKayness on our web site: http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/life_positions.html ). Having done this know that this is not a fact but a belief about self and others and that you can change this so that your relationships improve and life is easier. Suffering is optional so you can make the changes you need to make and get the help you need to do so if this is scary for you. If you are reluctant to make the changes so that you are largely in the life position of I’m OK and You’re OK, then consider why you might be resistant. This resistance is telling you something that you may need to deal with first so that you feel safe to make the changes you want to make.
So, the next time you may be snappy with a work colleague, or at home with the family or friends, then ask yourself what it is about and find out if there is anything beneath this irritability that needs dealing with.
Have a safe journey!
Why not start a discussion about this or our other blogs. We would like to hear from you.
If you would like to experience coaching, training or consultancy with Mountain Associates then give us a call or get in touch with us through our web site.
You may be someone who believes that they have to take care of others and be the one who makes things right. If this is the case then it maybe that your feelings of resentment and lack of time for fun are displaced and you become more and more controlling as a way of keeping everything in place – or so it seems. In the end one situation reinforces the next and before you know it you may believe that if you weren’t in control of things everything would fall apart – work, home, friendships etc. This, in itself creates its own tensions.
Very often people who are controlling find other people who believe they need to be looked after and so a co-dependent relationship is established. However, inside the person who appears to be in the control seat may actually be scared. The more scared they are the more controlling they may become and their scared feelings never get addressed. The basic existential life position may be I’m not OK and You’re not OK either.
If you are aware that you do this, or that you are fairly obsessive, then it is time to take stock. Let go a bit, see that others can also share power and control and things can be okay. If you are still fearful then do go and see a coach or psychotherapist who will have the skills to support you to change and grow so that you make the most of life and enjoy it.
Of course, not everyone who is controlling has the fundamental life position of I’m not OK and You’re not OK, so establishing which life position you, or the person who is controlling, is largely coming from will be helpful as the interventions will be different for different people. Therefore uncovering the basic beliefs about self, others and life, is an important step in awareness and then change. However, it is important to know where you are going and why you want to get there as this offers motivation and hope. This in itself provides the momentum to move toward rather than just moving away from something.
So, ask yourself whether you are over controlling, or if you are at times and what these times may be about. Then consider which life position you may be coming from (see the notes on the Transactional Analysis concept of OKayness on our web site: http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/life_positions.html ). Having done this know that this is not a fact but a belief about self and others and that you can change this so that your relationships improve and life is easier. Suffering is optional so you can make the changes you need to make and get the help you need to do so if this is scary for you. If you are reluctant to make the changes so that you are largely in the life position of I’m OK and You’re OK, then consider why you might be resistant. This resistance is telling you something that you may need to deal with first so that you feel safe to make the changes you want to make.
So, the next time you may be snappy with a work colleague, or at home with the family or friends, then ask yourself what it is about and find out if there is anything beneath this irritability that needs dealing with.
Have a safe journey!
Why not start a discussion about this or our other blogs. We would like to hear from you.
If you would like to experience coaching, training or consultancy with Mountain Associates then give us a call or get in touch with us through our web site.
Thursday, 16 April 2009
I Take Care of You So That You Take Care Of Me
Here is another blog which has some links with last months.
Are you the sort of person who likes to look after others? Do you like to pre-empt other’s needs and take care of them? Do you feel alone or abandoned when not looking after others? If so, then you might end up feeling fearful and, in addition, a victim of others who take advantage of you. This is probably not your intention, but it is likely to be an outcome. When we continuously put others before ourselves this may cover the belief that we are only OK as long as we are looking after others, whilst in return we expect them to be nice to us and look after us in some way.
How many times at work have you said “yes” to taking on another task when you know that doing so will mean that you feel overwhelmed and have to work extra hours? You might rationalise this by saying to yourself “At least this means they value me”, or “At least I don’t have the think about being alone at home as I will need to work late”. Thus these “yes’s” enable us to avoid developing a friendship network, or ensuring our home life is satisfying.
If we have developed this particular way of being we need to tell ourselves that we are important – and sometimes more important, than other people. As a way to remember this let’s take the analogy of aircrew on any flight anywhere in the world. The first thing the aircrew do is tell us how to put on our life jackets and to put these on first, before helping the elderly, frail or young with theirs. The rationale for this is that we need to be prepared for any emergency so that we are available to support others. In everyday life our “life-jacket” is the nurture and care we need to give ourselves. We need to like ourselves, be happy with our own company and have confidence in who we are. With this “life-jacket” we are able to set boundaries as well as give and receive support in a balanced way.
If we are saying “yes” as a way of avoiding dealing with something then we need to ask ourselves: “If things go on as they are how will I be?” and “If things get worse, how will I be?”, and then “Is this okay with me and if not what options do I have?”
We need to see how we feel about the answers to these questions and then decide what action to take. Thoughtful and caring action will enable us to deal with difficult situations. We may need to get support and talk to someone else, not to get the answers from them but as a sounding board. In this way we can get control of our own lives and take our own power to have more of the life we need and want.
Life is all about inter-dependence - not co-dependence, which is what we get when we take a passive rather than pro-active stance. So, do it today, get your life-jacket on and life will get richer.
For more information on Mountain Associates visit our main web pages:
www.mountain-associates.co.uk Let us know what you think about our blogs. Contact us for in-house training, coaching and consultancy, and to find out about our open workshops.
Are you the sort of person who likes to look after others? Do you like to pre-empt other’s needs and take care of them? Do you feel alone or abandoned when not looking after others? If so, then you might end up feeling fearful and, in addition, a victim of others who take advantage of you. This is probably not your intention, but it is likely to be an outcome. When we continuously put others before ourselves this may cover the belief that we are only OK as long as we are looking after others, whilst in return we expect them to be nice to us and look after us in some way.
How many times at work have you said “yes” to taking on another task when you know that doing so will mean that you feel overwhelmed and have to work extra hours? You might rationalise this by saying to yourself “At least this means they value me”, or “At least I don’t have the think about being alone at home as I will need to work late”. Thus these “yes’s” enable us to avoid developing a friendship network, or ensuring our home life is satisfying.
If we have developed this particular way of being we need to tell ourselves that we are important – and sometimes more important, than other people. As a way to remember this let’s take the analogy of aircrew on any flight anywhere in the world. The first thing the aircrew do is tell us how to put on our life jackets and to put these on first, before helping the elderly, frail or young with theirs. The rationale for this is that we need to be prepared for any emergency so that we are available to support others. In everyday life our “life-jacket” is the nurture and care we need to give ourselves. We need to like ourselves, be happy with our own company and have confidence in who we are. With this “life-jacket” we are able to set boundaries as well as give and receive support in a balanced way.
If we are saying “yes” as a way of avoiding dealing with something then we need to ask ourselves: “If things go on as they are how will I be?” and “If things get worse, how will I be?”, and then “Is this okay with me and if not what options do I have?”
We need to see how we feel about the answers to these questions and then decide what action to take. Thoughtful and caring action will enable us to deal with difficult situations. We may need to get support and talk to someone else, not to get the answers from them but as a sounding board. In this way we can get control of our own lives and take our own power to have more of the life we need and want.
Life is all about inter-dependence - not co-dependence, which is what we get when we take a passive rather than pro-active stance. So, do it today, get your life-jacket on and life will get richer.
For more information on Mountain Associates visit our main web pages:
www.mountain-associates.co.uk Let us know what you think about our blogs. Contact us for in-house training, coaching and consultancy, and to find out about our open workshops.
Monday, 9 March 2009
Feeling Full
One of the things we get from satisfying relationships with others is a feeling of being “full”. When we make contact with another person and take the time to share we can feel a sense of satisfaction at the honour of hearing another person and on being heard.
However, when under stress these opportunities can become restricted and 2009 is probably one of these times. Due to the financial situation the “full” sense we can get from connectedness can be reduced as all around us there are people suffering from homelessness, threat of redundancy and stress-related ill-health. Therefore at home as well as in the work-place, it is still important to consider how we find ways to feel positively “full”. Some get this from using alcohol, but, as we never get enough of what we don’t need, the short term gain from this will be insufficient to cover the emptiness.
Ironically when stressed, many of us cut off rather than connect, and in so doing are likely to become more and more isolated. Also at these times we can start to project negativity and despair onto others and so things begin to spiral down. Instead of withdrawing we need to find ways to make connection. In this way we can feel nourished and supported even in times of difficulty.
Leaders particularly need to find ways to “fill-up”, rather than run on empty. There are many ways to do this including making opportunities to really meet with people and find ways to understand them. Then, even if we should disagree with them we can do so amicably and through hearing them, rather than attempting to brow-beat them with our opinions. In this way relationships can be developed and maintained. Active listening is a term used in counselling and is appropriate to the development of good relationships wherever, and with whom ever, we are.
Further, when things are getting difficult it is important to check in with ourselves and ask how we are feeling about the situation and then what we need when we feel like this. For example, we may feel angry and need a sounding board, or scared and need to develop some options to allay our fears. Taking account of our feelings is a good way to ensure that we don’t bury our head in the sand and do nothing as eventually this usually makes things worse.
Therefore, when stressed we need to take account of the situation, decide what we are feeling about it and what we need at such times. This will often include such activities as talking with someone, getting some space and objectivity by taking time to go for a walk etc. and then taking the appropriate action to move toward addressing the issue.
Go well.
Mountain Associates are available for coaching and supervision of coaches. We also provide organisational consultancy and in-house training as well as open workshops. Call us now for an informal discussion about how we might be of assistance.
However, when under stress these opportunities can become restricted and 2009 is probably one of these times. Due to the financial situation the “full” sense we can get from connectedness can be reduced as all around us there are people suffering from homelessness, threat of redundancy and stress-related ill-health. Therefore at home as well as in the work-place, it is still important to consider how we find ways to feel positively “full”. Some get this from using alcohol, but, as we never get enough of what we don’t need, the short term gain from this will be insufficient to cover the emptiness.
Ironically when stressed, many of us cut off rather than connect, and in so doing are likely to become more and more isolated. Also at these times we can start to project negativity and despair onto others and so things begin to spiral down. Instead of withdrawing we need to find ways to make connection. In this way we can feel nourished and supported even in times of difficulty.
Leaders particularly need to find ways to “fill-up”, rather than run on empty. There are many ways to do this including making opportunities to really meet with people and find ways to understand them. Then, even if we should disagree with them we can do so amicably and through hearing them, rather than attempting to brow-beat them with our opinions. In this way relationships can be developed and maintained. Active listening is a term used in counselling and is appropriate to the development of good relationships wherever, and with whom ever, we are.
Further, when things are getting difficult it is important to check in with ourselves and ask how we are feeling about the situation and then what we need when we feel like this. For example, we may feel angry and need a sounding board, or scared and need to develop some options to allay our fears. Taking account of our feelings is a good way to ensure that we don’t bury our head in the sand and do nothing as eventually this usually makes things worse.
Therefore, when stressed we need to take account of the situation, decide what we are feeling about it and what we need at such times. This will often include such activities as talking with someone, getting some space and objectivity by taking time to go for a walk etc. and then taking the appropriate action to move toward addressing the issue.
Go well.
Mountain Associates are available for coaching and supervision of coaches. We also provide organisational consultancy and in-house training as well as open workshops. Call us now for an informal discussion about how we might be of assistance.
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
Is the problem you or me?
When communicating with others and something goes wrong, how do we know whether the problem is me or you? Well, actually the difficulty is with both people. For example, you might experience me as criticising you and become angry and therefore snap back at me. In so doing you become as much part of the difficulty as I am. Both of us need to pay attention to the way we are saying something as well as to what we are saying i.e. we need to consider process and content.
I might believe that what I said and how I said it was clear and from a here-and-now place. However, perhaps if I could replay it I might hear a certain tone in my voice that showed that I was implying something that was a put-down of you and this hooked your defensive/attacking behaviour. In which case I can acknowledge my part in the process and start again.
Alternatively, I might reflect on what I said, the tone etc. and decide that I said it in an okay way but I still received an attack. In this case I would still need to remain OK with myself and OK with you and ask for clarification about what it is I said that you feel angry/put down about etc. and stay in the here-and-now, without escalating the process. This also invites you to return to the here-and-now so that dialogue can continue.
Hopefully this example shows that just because you are reacting to me in a particular way this does not justify me making one or both of us not OK as this helps no one and dialogue breaks down, leaving bad feelings. Even if I experience being verbally attacked by you it does not mean I need to attack in return. I might need to put in boundaries and ensuring social control but I can do this from a here-and-now place, without escalating the process.
One way to enjoy the challenge of doing something differently is to give yourself marks out of 10 for changing your old negative patterns of behaviour. No one else needs to know about this of course. This way you always get good points, even if you noticed after the event for doing things the old way – at least you noticed so reward yourself with points for noticing. We all like to be recognised for doing well, rather than poorly and you can see how your points increase as you notice more and more, and sooner and sooner.
Enjoy!
Do keep in touch and let us have your thoughts. We facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis so return to the main web site and take a look at our programme or contact us for in-house training and coaching. www.mountain-associates.co.uk
I might believe that what I said and how I said it was clear and from a here-and-now place. However, perhaps if I could replay it I might hear a certain tone in my voice that showed that I was implying something that was a put-down of you and this hooked your defensive/attacking behaviour. In which case I can acknowledge my part in the process and start again.
Alternatively, I might reflect on what I said, the tone etc. and decide that I said it in an okay way but I still received an attack. In this case I would still need to remain OK with myself and OK with you and ask for clarification about what it is I said that you feel angry/put down about etc. and stay in the here-and-now, without escalating the process. This also invites you to return to the here-and-now so that dialogue can continue.
Hopefully this example shows that just because you are reacting to me in a particular way this does not justify me making one or both of us not OK as this helps no one and dialogue breaks down, leaving bad feelings. Even if I experience being verbally attacked by you it does not mean I need to attack in return. I might need to put in boundaries and ensuring social control but I can do this from a here-and-now place, without escalating the process.
One way to enjoy the challenge of doing something differently is to give yourself marks out of 10 for changing your old negative patterns of behaviour. No one else needs to know about this of course. This way you always get good points, even if you noticed after the event for doing things the old way – at least you noticed so reward yourself with points for noticing. We all like to be recognised for doing well, rather than poorly and you can see how your points increase as you notice more and more, and sooner and sooner.
Enjoy!
Do keep in touch and let us have your thoughts. We facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis so return to the main web site and take a look at our programme or contact us for in-house training and coaching. www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)