Being Present

When coaching or training people I frequently find that people are anxious over things that have not yet happened. These anxieties would be eased if people stayed with what is rather than what could happen. For example, the world markets are currently struggling due to the financial crisis in the USA. This situation could apparently lead us into a “bear” situation, that is a situation where markets fall and remain there for the foreseeable future. So, what do most people do – yes, worry. How does that help? They lose sleep at night, become agitated and snappy and decision-making becomes more difficult due to wariness let alone sleepiness. It is different if we consider the appropriate actions we could take and then take them. Worrying never actually got anyone anywhere, except worn out! Staying here and now is one way to avoid worrying.

Eastern philosophies have a lot to teach us about staying present. Meditation teaches us to remain in the moment, ignoring our thoughts which tend to keep us in our heads and out of our bodies. When we are in tune with our selves we are more likely to be in tune with others and with what needs to be done.

Becoming agitated and worried tends serves to move us more into our heads and away from a true sense of ourselves. When we stay with what is, stay connected with others and with our selves then we are more likely to be rested and flexible if / when difficulties do arise. Very often most of the things we have been worrying about don’t happen and yet we may have spent hours being uptight about it, which also wears us out.

Some years ago I read a story about the “precious present” and about a young man who discovered the meaning and the art of being in the present. Being in the present is precious as it holds so much more than the anxiety route. Having goals is great but we can only plan so far. If we hold on too tightly to these goals we can prevent flexibility let alone trust. But how to trust and who to trust? Trust in ourselves is the starting point. Many of us don’t trust. We don’t trust our bodies and what they tell us as we often try to over-ride the information. One way we do this is to rush. Rushing and hurrying up prevents us from getting in touch with now. What do I feel now, what do I think now, what action will I take now? If I don’t get in touch with now how will I know what action I need to take?

Many people are afraid to get in touch with now as they may need to move on from a situation they have been denying for too long. Being in the now is scary for many people as it means saying hello to themselves. It also means really listening to other people and experiencing them in the now, rather than what we project on to them. If I am now I really have to see you and learn who you are, rather than who I want you to be. I have to put all my prejudices and assumptions about others down and be prepared to experience anew. Berne said that “In order to say Hello, you first get rid of all the trash that has accumulated in your head ever since you came home from the maternity ward……..” ( Berne E. 1984, What Do You Say After You Say Hello, p4). This fits with Scott Peck’s theories on communities and relationships –

• Pseudocommunity is when we are conflict avoiding and people can get away with generalisations, and individuals tend to keep their feelings to themselves.
• Chaos is when people attempt to heal or convert others. There is often a vying for leadership. People attempt to Rescue, Persecute of become Victims and this reinforces their view of the world and the situation becomes chaotic.The motivation is to win, as this is about survival for whose norm will prevail. The arguments and struggle go nowhere as participants are not actually listening to each other.
• Emptiness. Other than moving out of the chaos into organisation, the other way to go is through what Peck call emptiness. This is the hardest part and was the point of the chaos stage, which was to resist being here. This is about moving into effective communication and in order to do so then people need to put down their defences. This, for Scott Peck means emptying ourselves of:
o Expectations and preconceptions
o Prejudices, Ideology, Theology and Solutions
o The Need to Heal, Convert, Fix, or Solve
o The Need to Control

• Community. When in this stage the group is quieter and more peaceful. People listen to each other, solve problems and resolve conflicts. Part of the task may be to decide whether to continue or not. Some groups may go back to previous stages and if this occurs it may be easier for some groups to go into authoritarian processes and forget about having a fun in the relationships. In this process they put task and productivity over their individual and the group's development. Whilst this stage offers more happiness it can also be more uncomfortable as conflicts are out in the open, but there is also the willingness to resolve differences. (Scott Peck, 1987, A Different Drum)

So, in their different ways both Berne and Peck both argue for staying in the present. The western culture tends to give recognition to thinking as opposed to feeling and to staying in touch with the now. If we want a more peaceful and healthy life let’s make sure that East meets West and we find ways to say Hello to ourselves and others in the now.