Lifting Your Limits in 2012*

Most of us never achieve our true potential because we have self-limiting beliefs which we treat as a fact.  These beliefs then influence the way we relate with others and the work we do and the way we do it.  We may have had dreams and ideas about what we would like to do but think that “people like us” can’t do things like “that”. 

These beliefs will affect our leadership styles, how we work with other people and how we express our opinions – or not as the case might be. 

Check out what you believe about yourself, others and life: 

Ø      Have you been acting as if these are facts when they are really beliefs? 

Ø      What effect has this been having on your life, including the job you do, and how you do it, the relationships you have and how you are within those? 

Ø      What will you believe instead?

Ø      What difference will this make in your life? 

Ø      What do you need to do to reinforce this new belief? 

Ø      From whom do you need support? 

Ø      When will you ask them for this support?

Ø      What will you do if you forget and go down the old pathway?

Ø      What will you do to reinforce this new belief?

Ø      How will you know when this new belief is really cemented in?

Ø      How will you celebrate your changes? 

Enjoy 2012 and think big, because we all need to shoot for the stars so that even if we miss we’ll get the moon!  Put out your intention and lift your limits*.

*Lifting Your Limits is a programme created by four of us, two consultant clinical psychologists and two Transactional Analysts.  To enquire about this course contact: ta@mountain-associates.co.uk  In the meantime read out book:  Working Together, Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, published by Gower and available from them as well as Amazon. Or come on our next Official Introducation to TA.

Stress - whose responsibility?

Stress can be very invasive and if you are not in tune with early warning signs of stress you can often feel as if it has crept up on you. How you deal with stress is due to historical and habitual responses. Responses differ as a consequence of different cultures, experiences, beliefs and personalities. For example, if in a crisis, a report needs to be produced within a day, you might see this as a challenge or you may become stressed by it. You could be someone who enjoys managing twenty staff or be someone who prefers to work at home alone. Ensuring the right person is in the right job acts as a protection for both the organization and the individual.

When stressed you are likely to react in one or more of the following ways:

·         make more mistakes

·         prefer solitude

·         want to go further and further with the challenges, raising your stress levels ever higher

·         need to be right

·         become over–controlling

·         believe there is something wrong with you

Resilience is a key factor in stress prevention. Resilience is the ability to recover despite periodical setbacks and problems. Highly resilient people know how to bounce back and find a way to have things turn out well.  

Stress can be eased through the ability to make good relationships because then you are likely to believe that you are OK and others are also OK. If you have difficulty in forming relationships you are likely to believe that either, you are not OK and others are better than you, or that you are better than others. Believing that everyone is OK offers a secure base from which to operate. When this happens attachment to your team and to the organization is likely to increase. One outcome of this is that you will be able to appropriately say ‘No’ to things whilst still keeping yourself and others OK.

All organizations need to take account of the organizational culture, leadership styles and the current pressures being faced by leaders and shop floor workers alike.  It is not only the individual who is responsible for their own stress but so too is the organization.  If a manager's leadership style is brusque and aggressive this will inevitably have an effect on the workforce.  Good management entails effective supervision which in turn entails noticing when someone is on overload and doing something about it.  

One of the causes of stress on people is the need to multi–task. Administrators and secretarial staff have to do this a lot – be it writing a report, answering a query when someone comes to their office or answering the phone. Whilst this is an accepted pressure for administrators it does not mean that it is necessarily any easier for them than for others. The western world tends to see multi–tasking as good, hence the comments about women being able to do it well, whereas men are often seen as lacking this ability. Whether or not this is a fallacy it does highlight that fact that multi–tasking is valued. Getting your life in balance probably means doing less multi–tasking and becoming more focused.

For more on managing yourself and others then buy our book: Working Together, Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, Gower, 2011, also available from Amazon.  You can also attend our Advanced Communication Skills, Level 1, (incorporating the Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis) later this month but you can register for our next one in February, 2012.  Go to our website: http://courses.mountain-associates.co.uk/ta101.html

That's going too far!

I was recently at a seminar where the trainer talked about how to get on with a client.  One example given related to visiting a client organization and when the person you are seeing asks if you would like a drink then you are advised to check what they are having and have the same.  He went on to say that if you don’t do this you won’t get the work with the organization.   

From a Transactional Analysis perspective this is not a helpful suggestion.  By asking what the client is drinking makes it look like you don’t have your own thoughts (or even taste buds!).  This means that you could be experienced as being willing to please them and if they do commission you they may, albeit subconsciously, be doing so because you will adapt to them.   

If I ask what someone would like to drink I expect them to take responsibility for saying what they would like.  If, in the example given, the client expects you to adapt to them then I would suggest that you don’t work for them.  This matching approach might be experienced by some as good practice but for TA people it reinforces passive behaviour.   

Matching in terms of the words we use and the pace in which we talk is one thing, but matching in terms of likes and dislikes is certainly another - for me that's going too far.

People buy from people and, at some point if you try to over-adapt it can (a) reinforce your belief that you are not as important as someone else and should not have your own thoughts or (b) you will not be able to maintain this style and then the relationship will break down as it was developed on a false premise or (c) it sends a signal to the client that you are ready to be “pleasing” and put your own needs to one side. 

The motto here is “Be Yourself”.  Use your relationship and communications skills, and learn techniques for improving these, but balance this with listening to yourself as well.

Buy our book “Working Together, Organization Transactional Analysis and Business Performance”, published by Gower.  Go to our website for a free chapter and the links to Gower and Amazon:  www.mountain-associates.co.uk

If you are looking for a keynote speaker then give us a call right now and let’s see if Anita Mountain is a match for your needs.

Be Yourself

Many of the people I coach come because they experience difficulties in relating to others, or to specific kinds of people. Mostly the issue is us - our attitude, our frame of reference about ourselves, others and life. Even if other people are experienced as "difficult" by a range of other people it is still up to us how we respond. If we believe that we are as good as anyone else then, even when under stress, we can find ways to keep ourselves okay. For example, there are often people whose only way of feeling okay is to put someone else down and attempt to sabotage any progress or success others are having. If we lose our grip at these times then we are likely to spiral downwards.

In order to deal with sabotaging behaviour, negativity and put-downs you need to talk to yourself positively. If you don't have sufficient strength in your Structuring Modes of behaviour (see our website on OK Modes to understand this further) then consider what someone else you respect might say. This will help you to stay Mindful (in the present moment) and take the appropriate steps. If you need to relate with this person then how you respond will be different to if you don't. If you should fall into the hole of making yourself not OK then you are giving your power away and agreeing with the other person's manipulative behaviour. Remaining in the here-and-now means that you will have more thinking available and there are ways in which you can deal with people that keep them okay but also set and maintain boundaries. This will also be of assistance to keep yourself feeling okay, despite the difficulties you are experiencing.

For more information on working with others, including issues of bullying, conflict and stress, then buy our book "Working Together: Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance" published by Gower and also available on Amazon. Free downloadable chapter available on our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk

If you resonate with this blog and are ready to overcome workplace challenges and create a breakthrough in your work environment, I would love to support you. Contact me now for your complimentary Workplace Breakthrough coaching session: +44 (0) 1455 824475; or email us: ta@mountain-associates.co.uk   Talk to you soon.

Key Leadership Functions

A recent article by J. Moore in The Independent was entitled “Why MBAs will have to adapt to survive” (June 23, 2011). In that article Moore quoted Guerra who apparently advised you young people to plan to have multiple careers, expect to be made redundant, and brace themselves for personal and economic crises. This is hardly an inspiring message to those coming into the world of work. We also need to consider what impact this type of world has, and will have, on employers, not just employees? What will they need to do to support their workforce?

One of a leader’s key functions is to enable the development of sense of belonging, without which there will be little trust and more energy will be expended on defensiveness and conflict, which in turn will effect productivity. To develop belonging leaders will need to ensure that they know how to get their message across, communicating clearly and in a way that is accepting of those they work with. Leaders will need to develop strategies that are in line with the organization’s purpose and identity and at the same time take account of the individual.

However, developing a sense of belonging may be difficult when the frame of reference may well be “What’s the point, I may be out of here pretty soon”. Those people who come from this position may well end up lacking connection and therefore trust. Instead we need to find ways to make connection with, and between individuals, and to offer positive recognition for being and doing. We need to start from strengths and be prepared to encourage the workforce to develop and hone their skills so that they are valued within the market place. In addition to all this we will need to develop resiliency and find ways to reinvent ourselves, and we can only do this if we value and like ourselves. If not, when difficulties arise it will be all too easy to get into blaming self and/or others and from here the shift to a positive frame of reference is harder to achieve.

One way to stay positive is to find out what you want, not just at the conscious level, but at the unconscious level. What are you allowed to have, what do you really want, do these two conflict? What do you believe about yourself and others? Is this positive? Does this way of thinking help you? Does it get you what you need, including real and valued relationships? There are many other questions that could go here but this blog is not the place. If you would like to explore your fundamental goals and find ways to develop and maintain your resilience then do get in contact.

Our book Working Together: Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, is now published by Gower and receiving positive responses. For a sample chapter go to: www.mountain-associates.co.uk. For coaching and in-house training contact ta@mountain-associates.co.uk or call us now on 01455 824475.

What Underpins your Life?

When we first meet someone we can get a sense of their frame of reference on life. This may not be at an overt level but we may sense it. I’m sure you’ve met people who come across as if they have to get in first before you outdo them. They come across as Mr or Ms Angry. Then there are other people whose starting point is that they are not good enough so tend to be backward in coming forward, and believe they are helpless, whilst others believe no-one is any good and that life is hopeless.

These beliefs and frames of reference are not necessarily verbally transmitted (though of course this will also happen). It may just be that we meet each other and there is a way in which we and they hold ourselves, greet the other person, look in a particular way, that may indicate our underpinning view of self, others and life.

Unlike with buildings, this “underpinning” can be the cause of poor communication and therefore poor relationships. Get this sorted and many other things fall into place. As soon as we start to believe we’re as good as anyone else then we will be willing and able to meet people on an equal basis. Believing we are better or worse than others is just that, a belief but we often act as if it is a fact. Thank goodness that beliefs can be changed.

This all links with the concept of OKness in Transactional Analysis, so take a look at our website to see what this is all about: www.mountain-associates.co.uk – or buy our book: Working Together, Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, published by Gower on 22 June, 2011.

So set to and sort out those outdated beliefs.

If you want support to change then contact us for coaching, training and consultancy: 01455 824475 or ta@mountain-associates.co.uk

Avoiding Game Playing

Some of you may know that in Transactional Analysis a definition of a “game” is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome. In other words you will be able to describe a game by saying when they do ………., I do ……….., then they do………….then ………happens and I end up feeling ………. (of course, you might have initiated the transactions). So by the end of the game you might find yourself saying something like “Why does this always happen to me?”, or “How did that happen again?”

When someone else initiates a game one way to keep out of it is to notice the discount. Every game starts with a discount. To discount something is to ignore or deny some aspect of reality, this is done outside our awareness. For example, someone might say something and there appear to be two messages going on – one at the social, or surface level and the other at the ulterior, or psychological level. Here’s what someone may say: “Where is that report you said you would do by today?” On the surface it sounds like just a factual question, but add in a tone that says you are late with this, then the whole thing sounds and feels totally different.

When face to face, it is often easier to notice these two levels as the content and the tone of voice are not congruent. However, how do you pick this up in an email? One way is to look for a communication that hints at something else other than what is in the content. Here are some ideas of questions to ask yourself:

• Is the other person clear about what they want?
• Do they have any right to make this request or demand?
• Do they ignore or deny some aspect of reality? In other words are they putting you, someone else, the situation or themselves down?
• How do I feel about what they are saying?
• Does the tone of the communication remind me of anything or anyone from my past?
• If so, how will I unhook myself from the past situation and/or person so that I can respond in a mindful, here and now way?
• Do I have a sense that there is something or someone else behind the surface-level communication with this person?
• What is the outcome I want?
• Have they stated the final outcome they want?
• Do I feel I’m in a monologue rather than a dialogue?

If you are unclear about any of these questions then you need to be more considered in your response and seek clarification from the other person or people. You might ask them for clarification of a point for example, or check what their interest might be in what you are doing, saying etc. so that you find out the intention behind their actions. In other words get the contract clear so that you will all know when you have agreed the end point and the actions necessary to achieve this outcome.

There are many other aspects to avoiding game playing but I thought it would be helpful to outline ways to spot a discounting process. Just taking the time out to ask yourself these questions will slow down the process and give you time to make a more considered response that is more likely to avoid getting into a game. All of which is likely to lead you to a happier more contented working life.

Happy discount spotting!

Let us know about discounts that you have been involved in and what you did to get straight communication. Please be respectful to others and keep them OK in the process as we play games outside of our awareness. It's always best to talk about your own discount or talk generally without naming, shaming or blaming others.

Find out more about how to improve relationships and communication with others and buy our book: Working Together: Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, to be published by Gower in July, or come on our next Advance Communication Skills, level 1 (incorporating The Official Introduction to TA) on 14-16 June and again on 22-24 November, 2011. For more details go to our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk

Challenge or Shame and Ridicule?

I was recently at a seminar where a particular approach to interventions with our coaching clients was the theme. In teaching us this approach the facilitator consistently undertook interventions with the audience to illuminate what she meant. However, at least some of the participants there, including me, were hoping that the facilitator did not “pick on” them as they did not wish to be ridiculed or their comments twisted round. Not a good outcome!

So, what is the difference between challenging interventions that enable the person or people to develop and interventions that invite over-adaptation and are persecutory? To me the answer is that challenge is not a “theme” or an “approach” but a designed intervention geared to the person we are interacting with.

Berne wrote about:
•Interrogation e.g. “Did you actually steal the money?”;
•Specification e.g. “So, what you are saying is…………..”;
•Confrontation e.g. highlighting a discrepancy between what is being said “ Just before you said …. Now you are saying………. What is your thinking about this?”;
•Explanation e.g.”It seems that when you move out of being here and now you stop thinking”;
•Illustration e.g. an anecdote or simile that follows a successful confrontation for the purpose of reinforcing the confrontation and softening it.
•Confirmation e.g. “I understand you to be saying……., is that right?”;
•Interpretation e.g. “I understand the sense of what you are saying as….”;
•Crystalization e.g.”So you are now in a position to stop playing that game if you choose to”. (Berne E, 1966, p233-25)

I would also add Challenge to that list and to challenge with humour - but at the right time for the client and still remain OK/OK with them.

As you can see from the synopsis, each of the interventions has their own rationale and aim. This means that we need to design the intervention for the person, the issue and the context, as well as ensure that it is related to the contract. It is also imperative that we remain OK/OK in any transaction because, if not, we invite over-compliance or rebellion. If those we train, coach, or relate with, disagree with our interventions it is also important to be aware and sufficiently humble to recognise that the issue might be with us and/or the approach, rather than with the other person.

Whilst this may all sound difficult or contrived it is important to be professional, know we have options and use these options mindfully for the good of the other person.

This does not mean that we stop provocative interventions but that we carefully consider their use and, if they don’t work, not blame the other person e.g. “It’s that you’re too up-tight” or “You’re not ready for this”, implying that we are so evolved and the other is not.

If we keep all our transactions OK/OK and be with the other person in the now, rather than using one approach that may not fit everyone, all is likely to be well.

Leave us your comments below.

Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 14-16 June, 2011. We also have a one-day workshop by a French guest trainer entitled Rapid Diagnosis of Organizations on 14 July. The next academic year’s list of workshops is now up-loaded to our website. For all this information and more go to: www.mountain-associates.co.uk and either click on the Organizational TA Box or go to the drop-down tabs along the top and click on TA Courses.
Our up-coming book “Working Together: Organizational TA and Business Performance will be out in July 2011, so keep an eye on our website for further information or register on the site and we’ll keep you informed.

Ethics in Business

I was just asked to write a response to an article about ethics in business and then on the ITOL LinkedIn discussion group the issue of ethics came up again.

To consider ethics and ethical behaviour we also need to consider integrity and good practice. Good practice is based on beliefs, values and opinions, from which ethical behaviour stems. When we consider ethics within business we need to consider the organization’s culture as this will set the standards for decision making. In this context the written and unwritten codes will influence the organizations decisions and actions.

Beliefs are often unconscious patterned thinking processes and may, therefore, be hard to identify. Our beliefs will affect how we behave, and are part of our identity, therefore changing either our beliefs, or how we view ourselves, will affect our actions. This will include who we work with and how we work with them and whether our behaviour is ethical or unethical.

Most commonly ethics are considered in terms of dilemmas. For example, let’s take a real situation where the director of a charity that rescued children in war torn areas was approached by an arms dealer who offered to rescue some stranded children that no one else had been able to reach. However, the dealer would not rescue the adults who were with them. The charity's director had to make a very quick decision with no time to consult. In order to make this decision he looked at the organization’s core aims, its mission and purpose and decided that he would cooperate with the arms dealers as it was either the children or no one at that particular point. He subsequently wrote to the charity’s stakeholders and explained his dilemma and offered to resign should a substantial number of them disagree with his decision. They did in fact support him. (Leigh, 2009).

When someone has to make an ethical decision we have to consider the nature of the organization. To do this I have integrated Ernst’s OK Corral (1971) with Wickens (1995) with Krausz (1993). In summary we need to explore whether the organization is:

• I'm OK, You're Not OK, Anarchic, (Wickens), autocratic, paternalistic management style, competitive stressed organizational climate with unilateral problem solving, (Krausz). In this type of organization the workforce are less likely to take responsibility for their actions and there is less willingness to report ethical issues.

• I'm Not OK, You're OK, Alienated (Wickens), ambiguous management style, anxious, insecure climate, with reactive problem solving (Krausz). In this type of organization the workforce already feel alienated and any ethical boundary crossing only serves to further this alienation.

• I'm Not OK, You're Not OK, Apathetic, (Wickens) Laissez-faire, alienated management style, the organizational climate is apathetic and passive, with no problem solving (Krausz). People are unwilling to address ethical issues and, if others cross the ethical line this only serves to reinforce the apathy.

• I'm OK and You're OK, Ascendant (Wickens), democratic, participative management style (Krausz), the organizational climate is motivated, respectful and creative. Ethical problem solving processes are the norm.

Whilst there are individual 360° programmes within organizations there is also a need for an organization to give itself a 360° feedback process, taking comments from the workforce on a regular basis. In this way there are more likely to be opportunities for change in the culture so that people feel valued and supported, with clear boundaries and contracting processes in place. This is then more likely to lead to ethically congruent behaviour.

What do you think? Are ethics important in organizations? How do we compromise our own ethics when we work for organizations that are not a "fit" for us? Are we more or less likely to be stressed when we ignore or deny the mismatch between our own and the organizational ethics? Are ethics a luxury in today's world?

References: Leigh A. (2009), How Good is Your Integrity Compass? http://www.hrzone.co.uk/blogs/andrewl/straight-talking-andrew-leigh-maynard-leigh-associates/how-good-your-integrity-compass, accessed 2.3.2011
Krausz R. (1980), TA and Management Effectiveness, Transactional Analysis Journal, 10:1, 21-24
Wickens P. (1995), The Ascendant Organisation, Macmillan Business



To learn more about Organizational Transactional Analysis come on our Official Introduction to TA course on 14-16 June, or buy our upcoming book: Working Together: Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, to be published by Gower in July, 2011. Contact us for an informal chat about your own or your organization's coaching or training needs. +44 (0) 1455 824475, www.mountain-associates.co.uk

We All Have The Ability To Think

Organizations are susceptible to ‘groupthink’ which will influence the consideration of values. Groupthink was a term coined by Janis (1972) when he identified that in some groups people do not consider alternatives, thereby placing limits on decision making. In such groups, he argued, there is pressure for everyone to agree with each other. This might mean that individuals are conflict–avoiding rather than conflict–resolving (Scott Peck, 1987). When people are conflict–avoiding it means that the preservation of superficial harmony is given precedence over critical evaluation of ideas and values. This in turn might mean that an option is given the go–ahead even though the outcome might be the exploitation of others (for instance the use of
child labour to produce garments for the clothing industry).

The value base of an organization runs through all aspects, from the product or service being offered to marketing, accounting and management style. These in turn affect the loyalty, honesty and integrity of the employees. For example, an employee may be dismissed or have legal action taken against them for stealing. The other employees will take note of this and recognize that boundaries have been created and reinforced. These actions need to be congruent throughout the organization so that when a Director has been dishonest and it is sufficiently serious, they do not get a ‘golden handshake’, but instead are similarly dismissed. This will engender a sense of fairness amongst the workforce and loyalty and commitment will be maintained.

Do you have examples where there was a beneficial outcome when an individual used their power to make a difference and went against group think? Do you have a positive experience to share when a group or team moved from being conflict- avoiding to conflict-resolving, with a positive outcome for all? Write a comment and share your experiences.

If you are interested in learning more about building effective relationships then come to our next Advanced Communication Skills, level 1, (Incorporating the Official Introducation to TA), on 8-10 March 2011. Or, for further information contact: Mountain Associates, www.mountain-associates.co.uk

Sunrise, Sunset

The sun has well and truly set on 2010 and we are now into 2011 with its threats and promises regarding restructuring of many of our structures and systems here in the UK. Many people are being “encouraged” to look for work, whilst thousands are being laid off. However, amongst all these real difficulties and a likely increase in the “working poor” there are also many stories of people who have gone to the assistance of others and a sense of connectedness has developed. This is one of the consequences of a difficult time that has had a positive spin off for a sense of community. This is not to minimise the difficulties being experienced by people but to look for the nugget to come out of the awfulness of it all. Therefore, one of the things that has happened during the financial recession is that many people appear to have been pulling together, hopefully leading to fewer people being ready to judge others. For example, last year many dug others out of snow, checked whether the elderly or frail needed assistance and generally kept an eye open for others needs instead of just our own, we began to show our care and/or accepted being cared about. If there is anything to learn from the various difficulties of 2010 it is that we are not just a collection of individuals we are a society, and need each others support.

Therefore, as the sun has risen on 2011:

• What will you do to move on from your situation, to support others or even say “goodbye” in healthy ways?
• How will you ensure that in 2011 you take care of yourself before, even if as well as, others? Without this you will not have the energy and willingness to be there for others.
• What will you do to reach out to others and ask for support if and when you need it?

We wish you a year of community, connection and belonging.



Do you have difficulties with relationships at work? Do you find your workforce saying inappropriate things to others? Is there low morale and motivation in the workplace? If so, contact Mountain Associates and see if what we have to offer is a good match for your needs. www.mountain-associates.co.uk - Enabling you to find solutions.

If you would like further information about our upcoming book, Working Together, to be published by Gower in June/July, 2011, then register on our site so that we can let you know the date of publication