When we first meet someone we can get a sense of their frame of reference on life. This may not be at an overt level but we may sense it. I’m sure you’ve met people who come across as if they have to get in first before you outdo them. They come across as Mr or Ms Angry. Then there are other people whose starting point is that they are not good enough so tend to be backward in coming forward, and believe they are helpless, whilst others believe no-one is any good and that life is hopeless.
These beliefs and frames of reference are not necessarily verbally transmitted (though of course this will also happen). It may just be that we meet each other and there is a way in which we and they hold ourselves, greet the other person, look in a particular way, that may indicate our underpinning view of self, others and life.
Unlike with buildings, this “underpinning” can be the cause of poor communication and therefore poor relationships. Get this sorted and many other things fall into place. As soon as we start to believe we’re as good as anyone else then we will be willing and able to meet people on an equal basis. Believing we are better or worse than others is just that, a belief but we often act as if it is a fact. Thank goodness that beliefs can be changed.
This all links with the concept of OKness in Transactional Analysis, so take a look at our website to see what this is all about: www.mountain-associates.co.uk – or buy our book: Working Together, Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, published by Gower on 22 June, 2011.
So set to and sort out those outdated beliefs.
If you want support to change then contact us for coaching, training and consultancy: 01455 824475 or ta@mountain-associates.co.uk
Tuesday 21 June 2011
Friday 3 June 2011
Avoiding Game Playing
Some of you may know that in Transactional Analysis a definition of a “game” is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome. In other words you will be able to describe a game by saying when they do ………., I do ……….., then they do………….then ………happens and I end up feeling ………. (of course, you might have initiated the transactions). So by the end of the game you might find yourself saying something like “Why does this always happen to me?”, or “How did that happen again?”
When someone else initiates a game one way to keep out of it is to notice the discount. Every game starts with a discount. To discount something is to ignore or deny some aspect of reality, this is done outside our awareness. For example, someone might say something and there appear to be two messages going on – one at the social, or surface level and the other at the ulterior, or psychological level. Here’s what someone may say: “Where is that report you said you would do by today?” On the surface it sounds like just a factual question, but add in a tone that says you are late with this, then the whole thing sounds and feels totally different.
When face to face, it is often easier to notice these two levels as the content and the tone of voice are not congruent. However, how do you pick this up in an email? One way is to look for a communication that hints at something else other than what is in the content. Here are some ideas of questions to ask yourself:
• Is the other person clear about what they want?
• Do they have any right to make this request or demand?
• Do they ignore or deny some aspect of reality? In other words are they putting you, someone else, the situation or themselves down?
• How do I feel about what they are saying?
• Does the tone of the communication remind me of anything or anyone from my past?
• If so, how will I unhook myself from the past situation and/or person so that I can respond in a mindful, here and now way?
• Do I have a sense that there is something or someone else behind the surface-level communication with this person?
• What is the outcome I want?
• Have they stated the final outcome they want?
• Do I feel I’m in a monologue rather than a dialogue?
If you are unclear about any of these questions then you need to be more considered in your response and seek clarification from the other person or people. You might ask them for clarification of a point for example, or check what their interest might be in what you are doing, saying etc. so that you find out the intention behind their actions. In other words get the contract clear so that you will all know when you have agreed the end point and the actions necessary to achieve this outcome.
There are many other aspects to avoiding game playing but I thought it would be helpful to outline ways to spot a discounting process. Just taking the time out to ask yourself these questions will slow down the process and give you time to make a more considered response that is more likely to avoid getting into a game. All of which is likely to lead you to a happier more contented working life.
Happy discount spotting!
Let us know about discounts that you have been involved in and what you did to get straight communication. Please be respectful to others and keep them OK in the process as we play games outside of our awareness. It's always best to talk about your own discount or talk generally without naming, shaming or blaming others.
Find out more about how to improve relationships and communication with others and buy our book: Working Together: Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, to be published by Gower in July, or come on our next Advance Communication Skills, level 1 (incorporating The Official Introduction to TA) on 14-16 June and again on 22-24 November, 2011. For more details go to our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
When someone else initiates a game one way to keep out of it is to notice the discount. Every game starts with a discount. To discount something is to ignore or deny some aspect of reality, this is done outside our awareness. For example, someone might say something and there appear to be two messages going on – one at the social, or surface level and the other at the ulterior, or psychological level. Here’s what someone may say: “Where is that report you said you would do by today?” On the surface it sounds like just a factual question, but add in a tone that says you are late with this, then the whole thing sounds and feels totally different.
When face to face, it is often easier to notice these two levels as the content and the tone of voice are not congruent. However, how do you pick this up in an email? One way is to look for a communication that hints at something else other than what is in the content. Here are some ideas of questions to ask yourself:
• Is the other person clear about what they want?
• Do they have any right to make this request or demand?
• Do they ignore or deny some aspect of reality? In other words are they putting you, someone else, the situation or themselves down?
• How do I feel about what they are saying?
• Does the tone of the communication remind me of anything or anyone from my past?
• If so, how will I unhook myself from the past situation and/or person so that I can respond in a mindful, here and now way?
• Do I have a sense that there is something or someone else behind the surface-level communication with this person?
• What is the outcome I want?
• Have they stated the final outcome they want?
• Do I feel I’m in a monologue rather than a dialogue?
If you are unclear about any of these questions then you need to be more considered in your response and seek clarification from the other person or people. You might ask them for clarification of a point for example, or check what their interest might be in what you are doing, saying etc. so that you find out the intention behind their actions. In other words get the contract clear so that you will all know when you have agreed the end point and the actions necessary to achieve this outcome.
There are many other aspects to avoiding game playing but I thought it would be helpful to outline ways to spot a discounting process. Just taking the time out to ask yourself these questions will slow down the process and give you time to make a more considered response that is more likely to avoid getting into a game. All of which is likely to lead you to a happier more contented working life.
Happy discount spotting!
Let us know about discounts that you have been involved in and what you did to get straight communication. Please be respectful to others and keep them OK in the process as we play games outside of our awareness. It's always best to talk about your own discount or talk generally without naming, shaming or blaming others.
Find out more about how to improve relationships and communication with others and buy our book: Working Together: Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, to be published by Gower in July, or come on our next Advance Communication Skills, level 1 (incorporating The Official Introduction to TA) on 14-16 June and again on 22-24 November, 2011. For more details go to our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)