Using Our Intuition

Sometimes I wonder how people can live with themselves when they intentionally “pull the rug” from underneath someone. You know the type of thing I’m sure. Perhaps you want to discuss something with other people and find a way forward that would be of benefit to others, to the group or the organization. At the meeting someone agrees to take a certain action only to do something behind your back that means that they either take the credit for an action or in some way “get one over” on you.

In my view this is anti-social behaviour and is negatively competitive and designed to be a win/lose outcome. In some circles this behaviour can be the norm and may even be encouraged and admired. However for those that invested their trust the fall out from such anti-social action can be tremendous, causing individuals to feel frustrated, betrayed and helpless. In organizations where this might happen on a regular basis creativity and productivity will decrease as energy is expended on self-protection.

This competitive (rather than cooperative and cocreative) behaviour shows that the competitor feels threatened and the only way to “win” is to play games where someone else loses. This behaviour indicates that they are in fact frightened and learned to con and manipulate their way through life – in other words to get others before, from their own perspective, they are “got”. In order to do this they must be objectifying another person or people since “we don’t hurt people, we hurt objects”. (Kohlrieser G, 2006).

However, what can you do about such actions when you experience being conned and manipulated? Firstly, go and see the other people who have been part of the game and discuss what happened. Front it up, don’t run away and feel cornered. If you are feeling bad then others may be feeling the same or even perhaps think that you were part of the negative process. When engaged in meetings to discuss process it can be helpful to volunteer vulnerability with others. This means remaining potent and believing that you are OK, and expressing what you are feeling where and when appropriate. If meeting with others is, for some reason, not an option then working out where you discounted the situation in some way and what other options you might have had will be a learning process for the future.

I do not believe it an option to say to ourselves “There you are you see I knew I shouldn’t trust anyone!” or “The world’s a dangerous place and I won’t take any initiatives again” etc. This will only serve to harm us and our lives. There are trustworthy people out there and we need to go and find them and polish up our antennae for “charming manipulators” who con their way through life.

The First Nation tribes in North America have a saying that “We ignore our intuition at our peril”, so let’s make sure we use ours and then check this out with our rational and effective thinking.

So consider whether you:

 Believe it necessary to control or dominate others
 Find other people irritating and want them to go away
 Like to take the credit for joint ventures
 Feel persecutory toward others sometimes
 Feel a victim sometimes
 Feel helpless when difficulties arise
 Lose sleep when certain people are going to be involved in meetings and/or tasks
 Distrust others to the point that you have decided not to express yourself

All of these are indicators that someone is taking up a not OK life position. That is, you may be making yourself or someone else not OK, or someone is trying to make you not OK. You don’t have to play this game. Instead respect others’ right to be in the world and maintain boundaries. When all else fails, learn from the situation and keep yourself feeling OK and other OK even if you have to challenge their behaviour.


If you experience stress and difficulties at work then one option is to undertake coaching with Mountain Associates. For information on coaching, training and consultancy contact +44 (0) 1455 824475 or take a look at our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 15-17 June 2010 which offers insights into human behaviour and options for development.

Work for others - not for us

I’m sure we have all read a lot about service leadership and working in the service of others. Until last week I don’t think I fully connected with this concept even though it makes sense and I have taught different aspect of this philosophical approach. Now, however, I believe I have connected with this in a different way and wanted to share this with you to see if you “get it”.

Very often when we are working we are doing so to get money to finance our lives. We might also be working because status and/or achievement are important to us. The focus here is therefore on us. How different this would be if we were working for the highest good of others. This particularly makes sense if we are in the business of developing others through coaching, training, or even managing and leading others. Our focus would be on the other person or people rather than developing or colluding with competitive structures that only serve to cause stress.

If we grew up in a competitive family where there was little or no room for us and our emotions, vulnerabilities and needs we are likely to have reacted by either: withdrawing and believing we’re not important, or, in wanting attention, status and finances that prove we’re worthy. This early competitive system tends to just get replaced by another competitive system when we go to work. Our “filter” is on for locating the organisations that will reinforce our beliefs and frames of reference and we can then reinforce that this is how the world is. However, another person with a different frame of reference has found a place of work that is easy to attach to, that offers recognition and values its workforce with has an “abundance” frame of reference. This does not happen by accident. We have primed ourselves to “tune in” to what we expect and lo and behold we find it.

There are people and organisations that don’t develop a destructively competitive culture and, when we know how to find them, we will benefit from a change in our own frame of reference as this will offer us a new experience. This experience will challenge our past experience and we can then move on.

Moving on means moving out of the narcissistic “Me” position and into the “You” and “You and Me” positions. Sometime we might even take up the “Me for You” position in relation to what we want for others in terms of coaching and training etc. By this I do not mean that we are subservient, or over-compliant. Nor does it mean that we are not important, it is just that we “get out of the way” and move to a different philosophical position. Ironically we too are likely to thrive anyway as respect for us grows.

So, if you find yourself in an unhealthy competitive culture I invite you to consider whether the place where you grew up (in care or in your own family), was competitive and if so, whether you have replaced this family culture with the organisational one?

If you are in the business of developing others in some way do you do this because you:
 like being centre stage?
 enjoy the status?
 are just there for the money?
 It’s just a job?

If it is any of these I suggest you have a rethink about what you want to create in your life, and find a way to enjoy what you are doing by getting out of the way!

If you would like further information about coaching, training and consultancy then give us a call on: +44 (0) 1455 824475 or go to our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk