Yesterday I was at an Association For Coaching regional meeting. These are great opportunities for continuous professional development as the quality of input and the relationship with others is excellent.
During discussions in my small group, we - yet again - debated the boundary between therapy and coaching. This came about because we were trialing a questionnaire by Roger Clare which outlined a range of dilemmas and we had to choose between three answers. Someone else in my group answered differently to me on a number of questions, including this one and yet, when we discussed our views, they were similar.
As a psychotherapist my understanding of psychotherapy is more than likely to be different to someone who is not a psychotherapist and, had we not discussed our frames of reference we could have believed we disagreed, when in fact we agreed.
For me this outlined how easy it is to believe that we hold differing views from someone but, when we take the time to listen we may find we believe the same thing. What makes the difference is our construct of the words in question and our frame of reference.
Whilst this discussion was about therapy and coaching we could have been talking about anything. Therefore we need to remember to go back to basics even if it seems we might be being pedantic. By checking we all have the same understanding of a word or phrase we can save so much time and emotion and really meet people, rather than assume what they mean and focus on our differences.
Have there been times when you have been discussing your different views with someone, and maybe even getting into conflict about it, only to find that you think the same way? Feel free to send in your examples for others to learn from.
Have a good week.
Mountain Associates website will soon be changing. We will have separate areas for our in-house training, our Developmental/Organizational Institute and our Coaching 4C. Keep an eye on the website for the new developments which we hope will make your access clearer and easier.
Wednesday 24 November 2010
Sunday 24 October 2010
Expectations
We have just come back from working in Armenia where we were teaching Transactional Analysis and its application. During one of the discussions the issue of expectations came up and there was a view that if we expect too much then we will be disappointed and therefore we need to keep our expectations low. At this point the room seemed split between those who agreed and those who did not agree.
Of course, some of this may be cultural and, as most of the participants were women this too might be understandable. However, if we keep our expectations low we will never have the opportunity to feel fulfilled and will be working within an over-adaptive frame of reference. This in itself can then lead to resentment. Why go for second best? Whether we believe we will achieve a goal, or whether we don’t, going for it means that we’ll have a good journey, learn a great deal, and develop and grow. Further, with the attitude that something is possible we will be living a happy life in a positive frame of mind. Then, whether we achieve our goal, or whether we don’t, we’ve had a good time and enjoyed the journey, with positive spin-offs for those around us too.
Just think, if everyone lowered their expectations we would have no electricity, aeroplanes, mobiles, computers etc. etc. etc. So, if we start to think “There’s no point, things like that (whatever that is) don’t happen for people like me” we’ll be right – because whatever we focus our attention on grows greater in our life – and that doesn’t mean only the positive things!
I realise that in today’s current financial crisis things are tough to say the least. Some of you may be losing your jobs, houses, or having to work harder because others around you have lost their jobs, however, how does being angry, withdrawn, resentful help? Instead we need to be creative, think, feel and take action toward our goals. At these times we need our friends for support and need to reach out and ask. This is a time for community and creativity. This increases our positive energy which is better for our health and well being.
Don’t go for second best because that says you are only worth second best, go for first best – you’re worth it. “Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss you’ll get the stars”.
Have a great journey.
Mountain Associates offer in-house training and consultancy. Our Organizational Training Institute offers open workshops on Transactional Analysis, our next Official Introduction to TA is on 3-5 November, with another one in January, 2011, and our Organizational TA programme is going strong. We also have a coaching arm called Coaching 4C so do get in touch if you would like to talk about group or individual coaching.
Of course, some of this may be cultural and, as most of the participants were women this too might be understandable. However, if we keep our expectations low we will never have the opportunity to feel fulfilled and will be working within an over-adaptive frame of reference. This in itself can then lead to resentment. Why go for second best? Whether we believe we will achieve a goal, or whether we don’t, going for it means that we’ll have a good journey, learn a great deal, and develop and grow. Further, with the attitude that something is possible we will be living a happy life in a positive frame of mind. Then, whether we achieve our goal, or whether we don’t, we’ve had a good time and enjoyed the journey, with positive spin-offs for those around us too.
Just think, if everyone lowered their expectations we would have no electricity, aeroplanes, mobiles, computers etc. etc. etc. So, if we start to think “There’s no point, things like that (whatever that is) don’t happen for people like me” we’ll be right – because whatever we focus our attention on grows greater in our life – and that doesn’t mean only the positive things!
I realise that in today’s current financial crisis things are tough to say the least. Some of you may be losing your jobs, houses, or having to work harder because others around you have lost their jobs, however, how does being angry, withdrawn, resentful help? Instead we need to be creative, think, feel and take action toward our goals. At these times we need our friends for support and need to reach out and ask. This is a time for community and creativity. This increases our positive energy which is better for our health and well being.
Don’t go for second best because that says you are only worth second best, go for first best – you’re worth it. “Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss you’ll get the stars”.
Have a great journey.
Mountain Associates offer in-house training and consultancy. Our Organizational Training Institute offers open workshops on Transactional Analysis, our next Official Introduction to TA is on 3-5 November, with another one in January, 2011, and our Organizational TA programme is going strong. We also have a coaching arm called Coaching 4C so do get in touch if you would like to talk about group or individual coaching.
Monday 20 September 2010
How Come I'm Here Again?
The other day I was talking to a friend, Sally, who was telling me about a conversation she had with a potential mentor. During the meeting the supervisor asked Sally, a number of questions which were not relevant to the discussion and appeared to be more about their own curiosity. For example, “Have you approached X or Y to be a mentor?” This question was not relevant to their meeting and whilst it might have been disguised as “I’m only trying to help you” could have led to difficulties as Sally was then invited to discuss other possibilities and therefore other people, which in turn could have led to making other people not OK. As Sally is advanced in her field, and has lived in the area for some time, it is clear that she would know other mentors within her specialism. The only relevant issue in this particular situation was whether this proposed mentor and Sally could get on and would choose to work together
So what was going on? Who knows really? Without asking the proposed mentor that question we may never know. However, it could be that they needed strokes for who they were or what they did and one way to illicit this without asking directly, was to check out who else had Sally thought of approaching and why didn't they go with someone else. They might of course, also had a low opinion of themselves and wanted to check out if they were the only person who would consider taking this person on! However, ther rationale behind the questions is less relevant than what to do about it.
When someone asks you a question that you are not sure about and which does not appear to be relevant, you can respond with questions such as “What is your interest in this?”, or “How is this helpful for this discussion?” (said from the Accounting Mode of behaviour – see our website for further explanation of this model). If there is a clear here-and-now reason for the other person’s statements or questions then their answer will illuminate their thinking and you can proceed to answer or not, as is appropriate.
When we discount (ignore or deny) some aspect of reality we are, outside of our awareness, inviting others into a game. A game in Transactional Analysis terms is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome. This is that sort of process whereby we say things like: “Why does this always happen to me?”, or “I was only trying to help” etc.
We play games for a variety of reasons: to give us something to talk about; because we want strokes (recognition) for who we are and/or what we do; as a failed attempt at intimacy; to reinforce our frame of reference about ourselves, others and life. Unfortunately there is usually a negative pay-off at the end and we can be left asking "How come I'm here again?"
In order to avoid initiating or getting into game playing with others we first of all need to spot the discount in the opening statement and respond appropriately from Accounting Mode - see our website for an explanation of this model. If we are considering asking someone a question, or making a statement about ourselves or others, over which we may have a slight sense of unease, then we need to ask ourselves “for whom is this relevant?” Clarifying this question is a helpful part of any discussion. This is particularly important when coaching, counselling or mentoring someone.
This is only one aspect of game playing but we do need to pay attention to our own, or others opening statements and questions. For those who get into playing games quite frequently it is also important to consider how you might obtain your strokes if you are not involved in playing games.
Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 3-5 November, 2010. The Institute of Developmental TA has their next one-day conference on 30 October, see their website for further information www.instdta.org .
So what was going on? Who knows really? Without asking the proposed mentor that question we may never know. However, it could be that they needed strokes for who they were or what they did and one way to illicit this without asking directly, was to check out who else had Sally thought of approaching and why didn't they go with someone else. They might of course, also had a low opinion of themselves and wanted to check out if they were the only person who would consider taking this person on! However, ther rationale behind the questions is less relevant than what to do about it.
When someone asks you a question that you are not sure about and which does not appear to be relevant, you can respond with questions such as “What is your interest in this?”, or “How is this helpful for this discussion?” (said from the Accounting Mode of behaviour – see our website for further explanation of this model). If there is a clear here-and-now reason for the other person’s statements or questions then their answer will illuminate their thinking and you can proceed to answer or not, as is appropriate.
When we discount (ignore or deny) some aspect of reality we are, outside of our awareness, inviting others into a game. A game in Transactional Analysis terms is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome. This is that sort of process whereby we say things like: “Why does this always happen to me?”, or “I was only trying to help” etc.
We play games for a variety of reasons: to give us something to talk about; because we want strokes (recognition) for who we are and/or what we do; as a failed attempt at intimacy; to reinforce our frame of reference about ourselves, others and life. Unfortunately there is usually a negative pay-off at the end and we can be left asking "How come I'm here again?"
In order to avoid initiating or getting into game playing with others we first of all need to spot the discount in the opening statement and respond appropriately from Accounting Mode - see our website for an explanation of this model. If we are considering asking someone a question, or making a statement about ourselves or others, over which we may have a slight sense of unease, then we need to ask ourselves “for whom is this relevant?” Clarifying this question is a helpful part of any discussion. This is particularly important when coaching, counselling or mentoring someone.
This is only one aspect of game playing but we do need to pay attention to our own, or others opening statements and questions. For those who get into playing games quite frequently it is also important to consider how you might obtain your strokes if you are not involved in playing games.
Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 3-5 November, 2010. The Institute of Developmental TA has their next one-day conference on 30 October, see their website for further information www.instdta.org .
Saturday 7 August 2010
Selling Yourself, Without Selling Your Soul
fcJust before we fly off to Montreal and a Transactional Analysis Conference and then a holiday, I thought I would write this August blog a bit early. I wanted to ensure that there was one and I know that I would not do it whilst I was away.
With all the pressures on people regarding work these days – increased redundancies, bankruptcies, shorter working hours etc. I have been considering how far do you go to ensure you: keep your job; get more work if you’re freelance; and find work if you’re unemployed?
Finding ways to manage your value base, your philosophy and your income may seem incompatible but we all need to find ways to be congruent as this is one way to ensure inner peace and be comfortable with ourselves and our situation.
Could you for instance work for a tobacco company, or even a people trafficking set-up? However far fetched the latter may seem just consider where your boundary would be. What is the cost of getting a roof over your head and food on the table? Too often women are rebuked and looked down on if they become a street worker/prostitute, but do we know what their situation is? You could assume low self-esteem but it could be that they are putting their children first and their own self worth last. This is not to condone it but we need to understand the circumstances that lead to these downward spirals so that we avoid “prostituting” ourselves in times of financial crisis.
Over the last 30 years there has been a breaking down of community and yet today with the ecological and the financial crises we are seeing the emergence of a new wave of community spirit. There are organizations like Avaaz, Transitions, Village Action Groups as well as young people who pass on children’s clothes, share entertainment with each other and support each other without any formal groups being set up. Things are changing and we can re-establish trust and community. What is your part in this? What one thing can you do today that says “I’m here and want to know you”? This doesn’t have to be “pink and fluffy” - just a human to human interaction that makes life so much more rewarding.
So, do one thing today that breaks you free of your old ways of doing something and celebrate your shift.
Contact Mountain Associates to find ways that you can break out of your “script” and put a new show on the road - whether that be a new organizational culture or your own individual way of being. Lift Your Limits © and contact us today: ta@mountain-associates.co.uk or go to our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
With all the pressures on people regarding work these days – increased redundancies, bankruptcies, shorter working hours etc. I have been considering how far do you go to ensure you: keep your job; get more work if you’re freelance; and find work if you’re unemployed?
Finding ways to manage your value base, your philosophy and your income may seem incompatible but we all need to find ways to be congruent as this is one way to ensure inner peace and be comfortable with ourselves and our situation.
Could you for instance work for a tobacco company, or even a people trafficking set-up? However far fetched the latter may seem just consider where your boundary would be. What is the cost of getting a roof over your head and food on the table? Too often women are rebuked and looked down on if they become a street worker/prostitute, but do we know what their situation is? You could assume low self-esteem but it could be that they are putting their children first and their own self worth last. This is not to condone it but we need to understand the circumstances that lead to these downward spirals so that we avoid “prostituting” ourselves in times of financial crisis.
Over the last 30 years there has been a breaking down of community and yet today with the ecological and the financial crises we are seeing the emergence of a new wave of community spirit. There are organizations like Avaaz, Transitions, Village Action Groups as well as young people who pass on children’s clothes, share entertainment with each other and support each other without any formal groups being set up. Things are changing and we can re-establish trust and community. What is your part in this? What one thing can you do today that says “I’m here and want to know you”? This doesn’t have to be “pink and fluffy” - just a human to human interaction that makes life so much more rewarding.
So, do one thing today that breaks you free of your old ways of doing something and celebrate your shift.
Contact Mountain Associates to find ways that you can break out of your “script” and put a new show on the road - whether that be a new organizational culture or your own individual way of being. Lift Your Limits © and contact us today: ta@mountain-associates.co.uk or go to our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Wednesday 21 July 2010
Working with Integrity
The other day I was discussing the issue of integrity with another consultant/coach. This was stimulated by the ILM’s recently completed a report on trust and leadership within the UK. They conclude that integrity is the foundation of trust and it grows in importance with seniority. The development of integrity “requires a high degree of self-critical reflection and honesty, the ability to see beyond your immediate circle, to recognise and reject acolytes and yes-men, to understand that how you see yourself is not necessarily how others see you”. (Campbell S. 2009)
In management and organizational literature ethical behaviour tends to refer to the values an organization may hold, but not how these translate into action. This may be partly due to the fact that consultants, and those working in organizations, come from a variety of educational and professional backgrounds where these may not have been considered.
For example, if an organization’s mission statement is “We value people”, how will that organization find ways of demonstrating this? What are the implications for that organization when this is not demonstrated?
The belief system is an important part of Transactional Analysis. There are many people who know the theoretical concepts but do not put the underpinning philosophy into practice, begging the question whether or not this is “real” TA.
Beliefs are often unconscious patterned thinking processes and may, therefore, be hard to identify. Beliefs can be about the meaning of something, the cause, or about identity. The need to make meaning, find causes or maintain our identity, guide our beliefs, whether or not they are “facts” we may act as though they are.
Our beliefs will effect how we behave, and our beliefs are part of our identity. Changing either our beliefs, or how we view ourselves, will affect our actions. This will include who we work with and how we work with them.
Organizations which have alignment of shared values increase employee commitment, confidence and achievement.
Codes of Ethics
All TA member organizations have Codes of Ethics and Professional Practice Guidelines to which we must adhere. This offers clients a measure of protection. However, it is also important to develop our own awareness about our own ethical principles.
Awareness of three cornered contracting (English, 1975) is necessary as consultants have contracts with the commissioning agent as well as course participants. It is these relationships which can create ambiguity. For an organizational consultant/coach relationships are often complex, which has implications for contracting and boundary setting. It is therefore “........vitally important that the consultant have clear, conscious, and consistent ethical standards” (Garfield, 1993).
In any given situation we need to ask ourselves ethical questions including:
What is the context?
What is my contract here?
How do I ensure I do not take advantage of any power position I might have here?
What is ethical here?
Does my gender and sexual orientation make a difference to whether this is ethical or not?
Does being from the same, or different, nationality make a difference to whether my actions are ethical or not ethical in this situation.
Does it make a difference that I am external/internal to the organization?
Does the status of the person/people with whom I am involved in this situation make a difference?
What assumptions or rationalizations about the situation might I be making which prevent good practice?
Am I focussing on the health and positive strengths of individuals and the organization?
Am I respecting the person’s position in the organization?
If you would like information on our various Organizational Transactional Analysis open workshops, our supervision and supervision of coaches, or coaching itself as well as our in-house training then contact us through the website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk or give us a call on +44 (0)1455 824475. The next Official Introduction to TA is on 7-9 September, 2010 and the Institute of Developmental TA one-day conference is on 30 October : www.instdta.org
In management and organizational literature ethical behaviour tends to refer to the values an organization may hold, but not how these translate into action. This may be partly due to the fact that consultants, and those working in organizations, come from a variety of educational and professional backgrounds where these may not have been considered.
For example, if an organization’s mission statement is “We value people”, how will that organization find ways of demonstrating this? What are the implications for that organization when this is not demonstrated?
The belief system is an important part of Transactional Analysis. There are many people who know the theoretical concepts but do not put the underpinning philosophy into practice, begging the question whether or not this is “real” TA.
Beliefs are often unconscious patterned thinking processes and may, therefore, be hard to identify. Beliefs can be about the meaning of something, the cause, or about identity. The need to make meaning, find causes or maintain our identity, guide our beliefs, whether or not they are “facts” we may act as though they are.
Our beliefs will effect how we behave, and our beliefs are part of our identity. Changing either our beliefs, or how we view ourselves, will affect our actions. This will include who we work with and how we work with them.
Organizations which have alignment of shared values increase employee commitment, confidence and achievement.
Codes of Ethics
All TA member organizations have Codes of Ethics and Professional Practice Guidelines to which we must adhere. This offers clients a measure of protection. However, it is also important to develop our own awareness about our own ethical principles.
Awareness of three cornered contracting (English, 1975) is necessary as consultants have contracts with the commissioning agent as well as course participants. It is these relationships which can create ambiguity. For an organizational consultant/coach relationships are often complex, which has implications for contracting and boundary setting. It is therefore “........vitally important that the consultant have clear, conscious, and consistent ethical standards” (Garfield, 1993).
In any given situation we need to ask ourselves ethical questions including:
What is the context?
What is my contract here?
How do I ensure I do not take advantage of any power position I might have here?
What is ethical here?
Does my gender and sexual orientation make a difference to whether this is ethical or not?
Does being from the same, or different, nationality make a difference to whether my actions are ethical or not ethical in this situation.
Does it make a difference that I am external/internal to the organization?
Does the status of the person/people with whom I am involved in this situation make a difference?
What assumptions or rationalizations about the situation might I be making which prevent good practice?
Am I focussing on the health and positive strengths of individuals and the organization?
Am I respecting the person’s position in the organization?
If you would like information on our various Organizational Transactional Analysis open workshops, our supervision and supervision of coaches, or coaching itself as well as our in-house training then contact us through the website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk or give us a call on +44 (0)1455 824475. The next Official Introduction to TA is on 7-9 September, 2010 and the Institute of Developmental TA one-day conference is on 30 October : www.instdta.org
Friday 18 June 2010
Walk Your Life
I was watching a programme on television which concerned the Rarámuri tribe in Mexico. They live on a high plateau 7.5 thousand metres above sea level with little interaction with those from the larger towns and cities. The programme was a profound example about how simplicity in living offers such a depth of insight that is often lost in our busy Western lives.
In the west we seem to value workaholic lifestyle and “go getting” which can often cloud what we really need to be doing. Instead we race around, often stressed and agitated about what’s not been done, or what we’ve got to do, rather than being in the moment. This means that we are getting to lose now, unlike the Rarámuri who live very much in the present. They have very little in terms of acquisitions and sometimes go hungry but yet have such spirit and existential trust. They support and care for each other and live with, rather than on the land.
One of the key members of the tribe in the programme advised the woman from the UK to “Walk your life”. For me this was the whole key to the Rarámuri’s way of living and is something most of us find difficulty in doing.
This philosophy “to walk your life” fits with the concept in Transactional Analysis that we call Physis. Physis is Greek and means the thrust of life itself.
Do you “Walk Your Life”?
What does this phrase mean for you?
What would life be liked if you really walked it?
How would your life change?
How would you change?
My wish for you is that you “Walk Your Life”.
For coaching, coaching supervision, trainining and consultancy contact Mountain Associates: www.mountain-associates.co.uk Our next Official Introduction to TA is on 7-9 September, 2010Book now and find out how to get closer to living your life today rather than for the past.
In the west we seem to value workaholic lifestyle and “go getting” which can often cloud what we really need to be doing. Instead we race around, often stressed and agitated about what’s not been done, or what we’ve got to do, rather than being in the moment. This means that we are getting to lose now, unlike the Rarámuri who live very much in the present. They have very little in terms of acquisitions and sometimes go hungry but yet have such spirit and existential trust. They support and care for each other and live with, rather than on the land.
One of the key members of the tribe in the programme advised the woman from the UK to “Walk your life”. For me this was the whole key to the Rarámuri’s way of living and is something most of us find difficulty in doing.
This philosophy “to walk your life” fits with the concept in Transactional Analysis that we call Physis. Physis is Greek and means the thrust of life itself.
Do you “Walk Your Life”?
What does this phrase mean for you?
What would life be liked if you really walked it?
How would your life change?
How would you change?
My wish for you is that you “Walk Your Life”.
For coaching, coaching supervision, trainining and consultancy contact Mountain Associates: www.mountain-associates.co.uk Our next Official Introduction to TA is on 7-9 September, 2010Book now and find out how to get closer to living your life today rather than for the past.
Wednesday 26 May 2010
Self-Limiting Actions
I was sitting having a coffee with a friend the other day and we started talking about relationships at work. She was commissioned to undertake a project with a small family-run business and yet the owner/MD was not acting on her advice. On further discussion it transpired that she acted differently with the MD and felt like a child, in the way she had done with her father. She also thought that the consultants should not take the money from clients but should let her do it on the reception desk when she was in the building.
My friend had not realised that she was inviting the owner to discount her. She acted “small” around him and then sat at reception taking money – which was not what she was being commissioned to do, which again gave her power away.
There are many ways in which we can give our power away and we need to be alert to how we can do this. Above are two ways in which my friend did it – how do you give your power away?
Contact us if you would like to find out how to do things differently in your life.
Mountain Associates coach, consult and also facilitate a range of different workshop both in-house and open. Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is in September, followed by our Foundation Course and our on-going Organizational TA programme. Call us now for an informal chat about how we can help you and/or your organization.
My friend had not realised that she was inviting the owner to discount her. She acted “small” around him and then sat at reception taking money – which was not what she was being commissioned to do, which again gave her power away.
There are many ways in which we can give our power away and we need to be alert to how we can do this. Above are two ways in which my friend did it – how do you give your power away?
Contact us if you would like to find out how to do things differently in your life.
Mountain Associates coach, consult and also facilitate a range of different workshop both in-house and open. Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is in September, followed by our Foundation Course and our on-going Organizational TA programme. Call us now for an informal chat about how we can help you and/or your organization.
Monday 19 April 2010
Using Our Intuition
Sometimes I wonder how people can live with themselves when they intentionally “pull the rug” from underneath someone. You know the type of thing I’m sure. Perhaps you want to discuss something with other people and find a way forward that would be of benefit to others, to the group or the organization. At the meeting someone agrees to take a certain action only to do something behind your back that means that they either take the credit for an action or in some way “get one over” on you.
In my view this is anti-social behaviour and is negatively competitive and designed to be a win/lose outcome. In some circles this behaviour can be the norm and may even be encouraged and admired. However for those that invested their trust the fall out from such anti-social action can be tremendous, causing individuals to feel frustrated, betrayed and helpless. In organizations where this might happen on a regular basis creativity and productivity will decrease as energy is expended on self-protection.
This competitive (rather than cooperative and cocreative) behaviour shows that the competitor feels threatened and the only way to “win” is to play games where someone else loses. This behaviour indicates that they are in fact frightened and learned to con and manipulate their way through life – in other words to get others before, from their own perspective, they are “got”. In order to do this they must be objectifying another person or people since “we don’t hurt people, we hurt objects”. (Kohlrieser G, 2006).
However, what can you do about such actions when you experience being conned and manipulated? Firstly, go and see the other people who have been part of the game and discuss what happened. Front it up, don’t run away and feel cornered. If you are feeling bad then others may be feeling the same or even perhaps think that you were part of the negative process. When engaged in meetings to discuss process it can be helpful to volunteer vulnerability with others. This means remaining potent and believing that you are OK, and expressing what you are feeling where and when appropriate. If meeting with others is, for some reason, not an option then working out where you discounted the situation in some way and what other options you might have had will be a learning process for the future.
I do not believe it an option to say to ourselves “There you are you see I knew I shouldn’t trust anyone!” or “The world’s a dangerous place and I won’t take any initiatives again” etc. This will only serve to harm us and our lives. There are trustworthy people out there and we need to go and find them and polish up our antennae for “charming manipulators” who con their way through life.
The First Nation tribes in North America have a saying that “We ignore our intuition at our peril”, so let’s make sure we use ours and then check this out with our rational and effective thinking.
So consider whether you:
Believe it necessary to control or dominate others
Find other people irritating and want them to go away
Like to take the credit for joint ventures
Feel persecutory toward others sometimes
Feel a victim sometimes
Feel helpless when difficulties arise
Lose sleep when certain people are going to be involved in meetings and/or tasks
Distrust others to the point that you have decided not to express yourself
All of these are indicators that someone is taking up a not OK life position. That is, you may be making yourself or someone else not OK, or someone is trying to make you not OK. You don’t have to play this game. Instead respect others’ right to be in the world and maintain boundaries. When all else fails, learn from the situation and keep yourself feeling OK and other OK even if you have to challenge their behaviour.
If you experience stress and difficulties at work then one option is to undertake coaching with Mountain Associates. For information on coaching, training and consultancy contact +44 (0) 1455 824475 or take a look at our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 15-17 June 2010 which offers insights into human behaviour and options for development.
In my view this is anti-social behaviour and is negatively competitive and designed to be a win/lose outcome. In some circles this behaviour can be the norm and may even be encouraged and admired. However for those that invested their trust the fall out from such anti-social action can be tremendous, causing individuals to feel frustrated, betrayed and helpless. In organizations where this might happen on a regular basis creativity and productivity will decrease as energy is expended on self-protection.
This competitive (rather than cooperative and cocreative) behaviour shows that the competitor feels threatened and the only way to “win” is to play games where someone else loses. This behaviour indicates that they are in fact frightened and learned to con and manipulate their way through life – in other words to get others before, from their own perspective, they are “got”. In order to do this they must be objectifying another person or people since “we don’t hurt people, we hurt objects”. (Kohlrieser G, 2006).
However, what can you do about such actions when you experience being conned and manipulated? Firstly, go and see the other people who have been part of the game and discuss what happened. Front it up, don’t run away and feel cornered. If you are feeling bad then others may be feeling the same or even perhaps think that you were part of the negative process. When engaged in meetings to discuss process it can be helpful to volunteer vulnerability with others. This means remaining potent and believing that you are OK, and expressing what you are feeling where and when appropriate. If meeting with others is, for some reason, not an option then working out where you discounted the situation in some way and what other options you might have had will be a learning process for the future.
I do not believe it an option to say to ourselves “There you are you see I knew I shouldn’t trust anyone!” or “The world’s a dangerous place and I won’t take any initiatives again” etc. This will only serve to harm us and our lives. There are trustworthy people out there and we need to go and find them and polish up our antennae for “charming manipulators” who con their way through life.
The First Nation tribes in North America have a saying that “We ignore our intuition at our peril”, so let’s make sure we use ours and then check this out with our rational and effective thinking.
So consider whether you:
Believe it necessary to control or dominate others
Find other people irritating and want them to go away
Like to take the credit for joint ventures
Feel persecutory toward others sometimes
Feel a victim sometimes
Feel helpless when difficulties arise
Lose sleep when certain people are going to be involved in meetings and/or tasks
Distrust others to the point that you have decided not to express yourself
All of these are indicators that someone is taking up a not OK life position. That is, you may be making yourself or someone else not OK, or someone is trying to make you not OK. You don’t have to play this game. Instead respect others’ right to be in the world and maintain boundaries. When all else fails, learn from the situation and keep yourself feeling OK and other OK even if you have to challenge their behaviour.
If you experience stress and difficulties at work then one option is to undertake coaching with Mountain Associates. For information on coaching, training and consultancy contact +44 (0) 1455 824475 or take a look at our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 15-17 June 2010 which offers insights into human behaviour and options for development.
Thursday 1 April 2010
Work for others - not for us
I’m sure we have all read a lot about service leadership and working in the service of others. Until last week I don’t think I fully connected with this concept even though it makes sense and I have taught different aspect of this philosophical approach. Now, however, I believe I have connected with this in a different way and wanted to share this with you to see if you “get it”.
Very often when we are working we are doing so to get money to finance our lives. We might also be working because status and/or achievement are important to us. The focus here is therefore on us. How different this would be if we were working for the highest good of others. This particularly makes sense if we are in the business of developing others through coaching, training, or even managing and leading others. Our focus would be on the other person or people rather than developing or colluding with competitive structures that only serve to cause stress.
If we grew up in a competitive family where there was little or no room for us and our emotions, vulnerabilities and needs we are likely to have reacted by either: withdrawing and believing we’re not important, or, in wanting attention, status and finances that prove we’re worthy. This early competitive system tends to just get replaced by another competitive system when we go to work. Our “filter” is on for locating the organisations that will reinforce our beliefs and frames of reference and we can then reinforce that this is how the world is. However, another person with a different frame of reference has found a place of work that is easy to attach to, that offers recognition and values its workforce with has an “abundance” frame of reference. This does not happen by accident. We have primed ourselves to “tune in” to what we expect and lo and behold we find it.
There are people and organisations that don’t develop a destructively competitive culture and, when we know how to find them, we will benefit from a change in our own frame of reference as this will offer us a new experience. This experience will challenge our past experience and we can then move on.
Moving on means moving out of the narcissistic “Me” position and into the “You” and “You and Me” positions. Sometime we might even take up the “Me for You” position in relation to what we want for others in terms of coaching and training etc. By this I do not mean that we are subservient, or over-compliant. Nor does it mean that we are not important, it is just that we “get out of the way” and move to a different philosophical position. Ironically we too are likely to thrive anyway as respect for us grows.
So, if you find yourself in an unhealthy competitive culture I invite you to consider whether the place where you grew up (in care or in your own family), was competitive and if so, whether you have replaced this family culture with the organisational one?
If you are in the business of developing others in some way do you do this because you:
like being centre stage?
enjoy the status?
are just there for the money?
It’s just a job?
If it is any of these I suggest you have a rethink about what you want to create in your life, and find a way to enjoy what you are doing by getting out of the way!
If you would like further information about coaching, training and consultancy then give us a call on: +44 (0) 1455 824475 or go to our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Very often when we are working we are doing so to get money to finance our lives. We might also be working because status and/or achievement are important to us. The focus here is therefore on us. How different this would be if we were working for the highest good of others. This particularly makes sense if we are in the business of developing others through coaching, training, or even managing and leading others. Our focus would be on the other person or people rather than developing or colluding with competitive structures that only serve to cause stress.
If we grew up in a competitive family where there was little or no room for us and our emotions, vulnerabilities and needs we are likely to have reacted by either: withdrawing and believing we’re not important, or, in wanting attention, status and finances that prove we’re worthy. This early competitive system tends to just get replaced by another competitive system when we go to work. Our “filter” is on for locating the organisations that will reinforce our beliefs and frames of reference and we can then reinforce that this is how the world is. However, another person with a different frame of reference has found a place of work that is easy to attach to, that offers recognition and values its workforce with has an “abundance” frame of reference. This does not happen by accident. We have primed ourselves to “tune in” to what we expect and lo and behold we find it.
There are people and organisations that don’t develop a destructively competitive culture and, when we know how to find them, we will benefit from a change in our own frame of reference as this will offer us a new experience. This experience will challenge our past experience and we can then move on.
Moving on means moving out of the narcissistic “Me” position and into the “You” and “You and Me” positions. Sometime we might even take up the “Me for You” position in relation to what we want for others in terms of coaching and training etc. By this I do not mean that we are subservient, or over-compliant. Nor does it mean that we are not important, it is just that we “get out of the way” and move to a different philosophical position. Ironically we too are likely to thrive anyway as respect for us grows.
So, if you find yourself in an unhealthy competitive culture I invite you to consider whether the place where you grew up (in care or in your own family), was competitive and if so, whether you have replaced this family culture with the organisational one?
If you are in the business of developing others in some way do you do this because you:
like being centre stage?
enjoy the status?
are just there for the money?
It’s just a job?
If it is any of these I suggest you have a rethink about what you want to create in your life, and find a way to enjoy what you are doing by getting out of the way!
If you would like further information about coaching, training and consultancy then give us a call on: +44 (0) 1455 824475 or go to our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Thursday 18 February 2010
Freedom & Responsibility
As we start a new year, here at Mountain Associates, we have been reflecting on the impact of social media on our wider society. The positive ethos of social media is the concept of giving and receiving. Through these instant internet systems we are now able to give and receive recommendations from others that (hopefully) assist our business profiles. Basically, if you give out positive recognition (strokes in TA), to others you are more likely to get something good back. This, in a nutshell, is also what life in general is about. When we are prepared to recommend others and not hold on tight to our links and connections, this positive energy is more likely to come back to us.
In short this is also about freedom and responsibility. We are free to keep our own links to ourselves or we have the freedom to share these. We also need to take responsibility for giving and what we give, without expecting to receive. In order to consider freedom and responsibility we need to be able to take the role of the “other” and establish empathy and appreciation of the other’s perspective.
It is not only individuals who need to consider the issues of freedom and responsibility but so too do organizations. These will be translated differently within each organization dependent upon the organizational script (a life plan made outside of awareness that involves discounting).
Whilst organizations do not have ego states they do have elements that correspond to them and these are communicated through the primal leader/s or euhemerus. When working in organizations, whether in a coaching or consulting capacity, or as an employee at any level, we need to reflect on how issues of freedom and responsibility are exercised – or have they been exorcised?!
When considering change we need to take a look at both the interpersonal and social systems of the organization.
"…… if all the individuals within the institution were suddenly to change their life scripts, the institution would continue to function as usual until its operational procedures were also changed. Similarly, the institution’s procedures could be changed with little effect on the individuals’ life scripts. Thus effective change must involve both the individuals changing their life scripts and the institution or social system changing its operational procedures on the social and psychological level”. (Joines in Barnes, 1977, pp 270-271)
To bring us back to the theme of freedom and responsibility and social media it appears to us that we have an opportunity here to develop a new culture and put a new show on the road. This “new show” has the potential to radically change how we are with each other across cultures. We are co-creating or co-constructing a way of being that is about giving and sharing and in ways that we have never seen before. Let’s harness this freedom and ensure we take our responsibility in how we do this – whether this is at the individual or organizational level.
We would love to hear from you about how you believe social media is influencing our society for the better. Also, what do you think about the idea of freedom and responsibility in organisations?
References:
Joines V.S. (1977), An integrated systems perspective. In G. Barnes (Ed), Transactional Analysis after Eric Berne: Teachings and practices of three TA schools (pp257-272,) New York: Harper College Press
(N.B. This publication uses some outdated models of TA so if you do follow-up the reference please bear this in mind).
If you would like further information about The Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis; our Foundation Course in TA; Developmental/Organizational Transactional Analysis then visit our website for details of courses and articles: www.mountain-associates.co.uk.
In short this is also about freedom and responsibility. We are free to keep our own links to ourselves or we have the freedom to share these. We also need to take responsibility for giving and what we give, without expecting to receive. In order to consider freedom and responsibility we need to be able to take the role of the “other” and establish empathy and appreciation of the other’s perspective.
It is not only individuals who need to consider the issues of freedom and responsibility but so too do organizations. These will be translated differently within each organization dependent upon the organizational script (a life plan made outside of awareness that involves discounting).
Whilst organizations do not have ego states they do have elements that correspond to them and these are communicated through the primal leader/s or euhemerus. When working in organizations, whether in a coaching or consulting capacity, or as an employee at any level, we need to reflect on how issues of freedom and responsibility are exercised – or have they been exorcised?!
When considering change we need to take a look at both the interpersonal and social systems of the organization.
"…… if all the individuals within the institution were suddenly to change their life scripts, the institution would continue to function as usual until its operational procedures were also changed. Similarly, the institution’s procedures could be changed with little effect on the individuals’ life scripts. Thus effective change must involve both the individuals changing their life scripts and the institution or social system changing its operational procedures on the social and psychological level”. (Joines in Barnes, 1977, pp 270-271)
To bring us back to the theme of freedom and responsibility and social media it appears to us that we have an opportunity here to develop a new culture and put a new show on the road. This “new show” has the potential to radically change how we are with each other across cultures. We are co-creating or co-constructing a way of being that is about giving and sharing and in ways that we have never seen before. Let’s harness this freedom and ensure we take our responsibility in how we do this – whether this is at the individual or organizational level.
We would love to hear from you about how you believe social media is influencing our society for the better. Also, what do you think about the idea of freedom and responsibility in organisations?
References:
Joines V.S. (1977), An integrated systems perspective. In G. Barnes (Ed), Transactional Analysis after Eric Berne: Teachings and practices of three TA schools (pp257-272,) New York: Harper College Press
(N.B. This publication uses some outdated models of TA so if you do follow-up the reference please bear this in mind).
If you would like further information about The Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis; our Foundation Course in TA; Developmental/Organizational Transactional Analysis then visit our website for details of courses and articles: www.mountain-associates.co.uk.
Wednesday 20 January 2010
Facilitation and Decision-making
Just prior to Christmas we went on the second of our twice yearly trips to train people in Russia. Working in Russia has always been an interesting and challenging process. We thoroughly enjoy the Russian hospitality and their curiosity and interest in whatever they are learning. This time we were teaching group work to about twenty-five strong-minded people, most of whom knew us from our previous workshops.
On the second day one participant moved a chair and a huge bang and flash occurred as an electrical wire had just been lodged into a hole in the wall of the training room and became dislodged by the chair. All the electrics went off in the room, including the heating. As it was -10 degrees Celcius outside this would eventually cause difficulties!
There were some interesting suggestions including buying candles and continuing to work in the room. The organiser went to locate the caretaker and chaos was looming large on the horizon as everyone thought they had a better idea. We decided to take the lead and went by our own health and safety standards i.e. do not work in a room where there is a possibility of a live cable, where the temperature would soon plummet and where there was no light!
Of course it is not always adviseable for facilitators to take the decision away from people. However, when agititation is increasing we need to be prepared to do just that. We therefore decided to take up the offer to move to another room on another floor. Had we been in a room that was within a commissioning organization the process would have been different. However, the organisers had rented this room and therefore we were in a position to continue with our role as facilitators and challenge the frame of reference about remaining there and obtaining candles.
How many times do people remain passive when decisions have to be made? All too often the loudest get their way, even if it is not necessarily based on sound rational judgement. How do we know that our decision is the right one? Well, of course this is often a difficult one to gauge. However, we can look at the evidence – in this situation:
• Is the room safe?
• Would it still be safe if someone outside the room “helpfully” turned the electricity back on again?
• Would it be safe to light the room with candles with 25 people in it?
• Would that make for a positive learning environment?
• How could this situation influence the learning outcomes of a course on group work if the facilitators, not the organisers, took charge of the decision-making?
• What are the processes and dynamics that are currently going on between group members and is this likely to escalate?
• Or whatever the “evidence” would be for your situation
Looking at this “evidence” often requires speed and clear thinking. Our thinking is enhanced when we remain in the Accounting mode and consider our role and responsibility, and then take the appropriate action.
(for further information on this concept go to: http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/behavmode1.html
Taking the leadership slot in Russia is even more important. Our experience has shown us that without a very structuring style of leadership the group process often regresses to one that is agitated and chaotic. We all need to recognise how important it is to know and understand the culture in which we are working. This particular incident happened in Russia and if it had happened here in the UK it is highly likely that the group would have responded very differently. We therefore need to keep in mind where we are, whether that be in a particular organization or a different culture. What are the norms and how should we respond whilst acknowledging and accounting others?
The blog next month will look at freedom and responsibility and we can also look at this situation from that perspective. The organisers could have taken their power and made the decision about what to do and we could have withdrawn from the decision-making process. Whilst we would have been free to do this we would also have role-modelled how to be passive and the already fraught atmosphere would more-than-likely have degenerated. During the next month how about letting us have your ideas passivity and the decision-making process.
Mountain Associates offer in-house and open workshops as well as coaching and consultancy. Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 9 -11 March; Getting to Grips with Groups is on 27-29 April and we will also be hosting a trainer from France who will be here in July facilitating a workshop on Organizational TA. See our website for information on supervision of coaches and our supervision course. Do get in touch if you would like further information.
On the second day one participant moved a chair and a huge bang and flash occurred as an electrical wire had just been lodged into a hole in the wall of the training room and became dislodged by the chair. All the electrics went off in the room, including the heating. As it was -10 degrees Celcius outside this would eventually cause difficulties!
There were some interesting suggestions including buying candles and continuing to work in the room. The organiser went to locate the caretaker and chaos was looming large on the horizon as everyone thought they had a better idea. We decided to take the lead and went by our own health and safety standards i.e. do not work in a room where there is a possibility of a live cable, where the temperature would soon plummet and where there was no light!
Of course it is not always adviseable for facilitators to take the decision away from people. However, when agititation is increasing we need to be prepared to do just that. We therefore decided to take up the offer to move to another room on another floor. Had we been in a room that was within a commissioning organization the process would have been different. However, the organisers had rented this room and therefore we were in a position to continue with our role as facilitators and challenge the frame of reference about remaining there and obtaining candles.
How many times do people remain passive when decisions have to be made? All too often the loudest get their way, even if it is not necessarily based on sound rational judgement. How do we know that our decision is the right one? Well, of course this is often a difficult one to gauge. However, we can look at the evidence – in this situation:
• Is the room safe?
• Would it still be safe if someone outside the room “helpfully” turned the electricity back on again?
• Would it be safe to light the room with candles with 25 people in it?
• Would that make for a positive learning environment?
• How could this situation influence the learning outcomes of a course on group work if the facilitators, not the organisers, took charge of the decision-making?
• What are the processes and dynamics that are currently going on between group members and is this likely to escalate?
• Or whatever the “evidence” would be for your situation
Looking at this “evidence” often requires speed and clear thinking. Our thinking is enhanced when we remain in the Accounting mode and consider our role and responsibility, and then take the appropriate action.
(for further information on this concept go to: http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/behavmode1.html
Taking the leadership slot in Russia is even more important. Our experience has shown us that without a very structuring style of leadership the group process often regresses to one that is agitated and chaotic. We all need to recognise how important it is to know and understand the culture in which we are working. This particular incident happened in Russia and if it had happened here in the UK it is highly likely that the group would have responded very differently. We therefore need to keep in mind where we are, whether that be in a particular organization or a different culture. What are the norms and how should we respond whilst acknowledging and accounting others?
The blog next month will look at freedom and responsibility and we can also look at this situation from that perspective. The organisers could have taken their power and made the decision about what to do and we could have withdrawn from the decision-making process. Whilst we would have been free to do this we would also have role-modelled how to be passive and the already fraught atmosphere would more-than-likely have degenerated. During the next month how about letting us have your ideas passivity and the decision-making process.
Mountain Associates offer in-house and open workshops as well as coaching and consultancy. Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 9 -11 March; Getting to Grips with Groups is on 27-29 April and we will also be hosting a trainer from France who will be here in July facilitating a workshop on Organizational TA. See our website for information on supervision of coaches and our supervision course. Do get in touch if you would like further information.
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