Power and Control

If you are the sort of person who becomes irritated and snappy easily, or you know someone who does, this often appears from the outside to be coming from an I’m OK and You’re not OK position. However, let’s look a bit deeper.

You may be someone who believes that they have to take care of others and be the one who makes things right. If this is the case then it maybe that your feelings of resentment and lack of time for fun are displaced and you become more and more controlling as a way of keeping everything in place – or so it seems. In the end one situation reinforces the next and before you know it you may believe that if you weren’t in control of things everything would fall apart – work, home, friendships etc. This, in itself creates its own tensions.

Very often people who are controlling find other people who believe they need to be looked after and so a co-dependent relationship is established. However, inside the person who appears to be in the control seat may actually be scared. The more scared they are the more controlling they may become and their scared feelings never get addressed. The basic existential life position may be I’m not OK and You’re not OK either.

If you are aware that you do this, or that you are fairly obsessive, then it is time to take stock. Let go a bit, see that others can also share power and control and things can be okay. If you are still fearful then do go and see a coach or psychotherapist who will have the skills to support you to change and grow so that you make the most of life and enjoy it.

Of course, not everyone who is controlling has the fundamental life position of I’m not OK and You’re not OK, so establishing which life position you, or the person who is controlling, is largely coming from will be helpful as the interventions will be different for different people. Therefore uncovering the basic beliefs about self, others and life, is an important step in awareness and then change. However, it is important to know where you are going and why you want to get there as this offers motivation and hope. This in itself provides the momentum to move toward rather than just moving away from something.

So, ask yourself whether you are over controlling, or if you are at times and what these times may be about. Then consider which life position you may be coming from (see the notes on the Transactional Analysis concept of OKayness on our web site: http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/life_positions.html ). Having done this know that this is not a fact but a belief about self and others and that you can change this so that your relationships improve and life is easier. Suffering is optional so you can make the changes you need to make and get the help you need to do so if this is scary for you. If you are reluctant to make the changes so that you are largely in the life position of I’m OK and You’re OK, then consider why you might be resistant. This resistance is telling you something that you may need to deal with first so that you feel safe to make the changes you want to make.

So, the next time you may be snappy with a work colleague, or at home with the family or friends, then ask yourself what it is about and find out if there is anything beneath this irritability that needs dealing with.

Have a safe journey!


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