Is the problem you or me?

When communicating with others and something goes wrong, how do we know whether the problem is me or you? Well, actually the difficulty is with both people. For example, you might experience me as criticising you and become angry and therefore snap back at me. In so doing you become as much part of the difficulty as I am. Both of us need to pay attention to the way we are saying something as well as to what we are saying i.e. we need to consider process and content.

I might believe that what I said and how I said it was clear and from a here-and-now place. However, perhaps if I could replay it I might hear a certain tone in my voice that showed that I was implying something that was a put-down of you and this hooked your defensive/attacking behaviour. In which case I can acknowledge my part in the process and start again.

Alternatively, I might reflect on what I said, the tone etc. and decide that I said it in an okay way but I still received an attack. In this case I would still need to remain OK with myself and OK with you and ask for clarification about what it is I said that you feel angry/put down about etc. and stay in the here-and-now, without escalating the process. This also invites you to return to the here-and-now so that dialogue can continue.

Hopefully this example shows that just because you are reacting to me in a particular way this does not justify me making one or both of us not OK as this helps no one and dialogue breaks down, leaving bad feelings. Even if I experience being verbally attacked by you it does not mean I need to attack in return. I might need to put in boundaries and ensuring social control but I can do this from a here-and-now place, without escalating the process.

One way to enjoy the challenge of doing something differently is to give yourself marks out of 10 for changing your old negative patterns of behaviour. No one else needs to know about this of course. This way you always get good points, even if you noticed after the event for doing things the old way – at least you noticed so reward yourself with points for noticing. We all like to be recognised for doing well, rather than poorly and you can see how your points increase as you notice more and more, and sooner and sooner.

Enjoy!

Do keep in touch and let us have your thoughts. We facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis so return to the main web site and take a look at our programme or contact us for in-house training and coaching. www.mountain-associates.co.uk