With a New Year approaching many people turn to considering goals and aspirations, e.g. to go to the gym twice a week - only for these to fall at the first hurdle. Perhaps one reason for not completing our best intentions is because they are not fundamental choices i.e. they do not address our passions, how we want to be in life, and how we want, and need, to make connection. This connection, or lack of it, is often at the heart of difficulties. Many of us have lost connection with a sense of ourselves, with others, with nature and with life itself.
At our Organisational Transactional Analysis training workshop last weekend the group raised the issue of the place of spirituality in TA and a short discussion was held about this. In the TA world two of the people who write extensively about this are Muriel James and her son, John James. In their book a Passion for Life they discuss the human need for a spiritual self and the need to connect and go beyond ourselves.
At a time when the world seems in turmoil it is even more important for us to connect and feel that sense of connection. Human beings have the power to intervene in life. We need to ensure that these interventions are life enhancing. When we lose connection we tend to lose empathy for others, for nature and for life itself, and, when this happens, we lose touch with a deeper sense of connection, and thus our spirituality. To connect is to experience ourselves and others and to really encounter life and live with a passion which reflects a quote I saw the other day: Live your life every day.
So, my hope for us all and for the world is that we make real connection with ourselves, with others and with nature in 2009. This is true intimacy and is life enhancing. This fundamental decision to connect starts with our “self” and is not just for life but is about life and is not just for Christmas.
Enjoy the festive season and laugh and love with a passion that is connecting.
We are interested in your comments on these blogs. Go to the link at the bottom of this blog and keep in touch. See you in 2009.
Saturday 20 December 2008
Thursday 13 November 2008
Who Shall I Rescue Today?
How often have you gone to help someone and ended up feeling persecuted by them? If this has happened to you it may be that you did not ask the other person if they needed your assistance before assuming what they needed.
Karpman (1968) devised a simple diagram for analysing the “games” that people get into with each other. (In Transactional Analysis a game is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome). Karpman uses three roles as in a play or drama, namely Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim.
Are you one of life’s Rescuers? You think that someone else really needs your assistance and help them without checking whether this is appropriate. Alternatively they may need your help but not as much as you give. The position of Rescuer always discounts someone else’s ability to problem solve. It may be that you seem to be the one who does a lot of the organising on your team’s behalf, when in fact it would be more appropriate to spread this around between everyone.
Perhaps when you did organise an event or task you may not have got the outcome that others wanted and they have a go at you for this. If this happens you may feel bad and move down into the Victim position, which is in fact where you had put your colleagues or staff by thinking that you have to do everything. Your colleagues then move up into the Persecutor position. This feels a far more powerful place than being in Victim which is why people will make that switch.
So by getting involved on the Drama Triangle you can think that you are incapable, think others are incapable or hold others responsible for not looking after you “properly”. Once in any of the three positions - Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim - we can keep going round the Triangle indefinitely.
Often there is one position which we take up more than any of the others. Sometimes we don’t switch round. For example a partnership where one person always decides what is going to happen and when. In these instances there is usually an unspoken agreement that the one partner will look after the other. This “agreement” means that one person takes on the Compliant mode within the relationship whilst the other takes on the Critical or Over-Indulgent mode, thus creating a dependency. When one person tires of this then the roles on the Drama Triangle can start to show. Until this point there may be an unspoken agreement to use just two of the roles, for example, those of Rescuer and Victim, and only later does one of the players switch to Persecutor.
The way to avoid being on the Drama Triangle is to become aware when you and/or others may be discounting self, others or the reality of the situation. For more about this see the Transactional Analysis pages on our web site: www.mountain-associates.co.uk or take a look at some of the excellent books on TA that are around at the moment.
You may be interested to know that our own book on Organizational TA will be published in 2009. Keep an eye on our web site for more details.
Reference:
Stephen Karpman, (1968), “Fairy tales and script drama analysis”. TAB, 7,26, 1968, 39-43
Karpman (1968) devised a simple diagram for analysing the “games” that people get into with each other. (In Transactional Analysis a game is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome). Karpman uses three roles as in a play or drama, namely Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim.
Are you one of life’s Rescuers? You think that someone else really needs your assistance and help them without checking whether this is appropriate. Alternatively they may need your help but not as much as you give. The position of Rescuer always discounts someone else’s ability to problem solve. It may be that you seem to be the one who does a lot of the organising on your team’s behalf, when in fact it would be more appropriate to spread this around between everyone.
Perhaps when you did organise an event or task you may not have got the outcome that others wanted and they have a go at you for this. If this happens you may feel bad and move down into the Victim position, which is in fact where you had put your colleagues or staff by thinking that you have to do everything. Your colleagues then move up into the Persecutor position. This feels a far more powerful place than being in Victim which is why people will make that switch.
So by getting involved on the Drama Triangle you can think that you are incapable, think others are incapable or hold others responsible for not looking after you “properly”. Once in any of the three positions - Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim - we can keep going round the Triangle indefinitely.
Often there is one position which we take up more than any of the others. Sometimes we don’t switch round. For example a partnership where one person always decides what is going to happen and when. In these instances there is usually an unspoken agreement that the one partner will look after the other. This “agreement” means that one person takes on the Compliant mode within the relationship whilst the other takes on the Critical or Over-Indulgent mode, thus creating a dependency. When one person tires of this then the roles on the Drama Triangle can start to show. Until this point there may be an unspoken agreement to use just two of the roles, for example, those of Rescuer and Victim, and only later does one of the players switch to Persecutor.
The way to avoid being on the Drama Triangle is to become aware when you and/or others may be discounting self, others or the reality of the situation. For more about this see the Transactional Analysis pages on our web site: www.mountain-associates.co.uk or take a look at some of the excellent books on TA that are around at the moment.
You may be interested to know that our own book on Organizational TA will be published in 2009. Keep an eye on our web site for more details.
Reference:
Stephen Karpman, (1968), “Fairy tales and script drama analysis”. TAB, 7,26, 1968, 39-43
Thursday 11 September 2008
Attraction - fatal or otherwise?
What we focus our attention on grows greater in our lives. Have you ever noticed that if you have a small mark, such as a spot on your face that you tend to focus attention on that and feel awful? Life can feel like that as well. When we experience difficulties we tend to focus our attention and energy on that rather than on the positive things in our life. However, this focus of attention is rarely mindfully undertaken, as we can obsess about something without actually really paying sufficient attention to solve or resolve it.
But let’s return to attraction. How often do we see someone getting themselves into the same difficult situation time after time. They may get themselves into difficult jobs, difficult relationships and believe that life is difficult. Whereas another person finds good jobs where they flourish, have great relationships and despite life’s difficulties is an optimistic thinker.
These things don’t just happen by accident. If we want to be positive we need to be in control of our mind, not let our minds control us. When we find ourselves going into a negative spiral we need to stop ourselves, return from that pathway and go down another one – one that is positive and life enhancing. By doing this we will give off better energy as we will be looking for the best in ourselves, others and life. Eventually we stop letting others cross our personal boundaries, increase our confidence, start to feel better and we will respect and value others.
This may sound as if I believe this will be simple – which it can be – however, retraining ourselves to think positively and creatively takes commitment. It means staying in the present moment, enjoying the “now” and believing we and others have value. If your way is not working for you, then this is at least worth a try. We might just start to attract encouragers rather than discouragers and become an encourager ourselves.
For more information about coaching, consultancy, training and supervision contact Mountain Associates: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
We like to hear responses to our blogs to do get in touch. Click on the link below.
But let’s return to attraction. How often do we see someone getting themselves into the same difficult situation time after time. They may get themselves into difficult jobs, difficult relationships and believe that life is difficult. Whereas another person finds good jobs where they flourish, have great relationships and despite life’s difficulties is an optimistic thinker.
These things don’t just happen by accident. If we want to be positive we need to be in control of our mind, not let our minds control us. When we find ourselves going into a negative spiral we need to stop ourselves, return from that pathway and go down another one – one that is positive and life enhancing. By doing this we will give off better energy as we will be looking for the best in ourselves, others and life. Eventually we stop letting others cross our personal boundaries, increase our confidence, start to feel better and we will respect and value others.
This may sound as if I believe this will be simple – which it can be – however, retraining ourselves to think positively and creatively takes commitment. It means staying in the present moment, enjoying the “now” and believing we and others have value. If your way is not working for you, then this is at least worth a try. We might just start to attract encouragers rather than discouragers and become an encourager ourselves.
For more information about coaching, consultancy, training and supervision contact Mountain Associates: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
We like to hear responses to our blogs to do get in touch. Click on the link below.
Monday 11 August 2008
Talking With, Not To, People
One of the most important aspects of leadership is communication. No matter how strategic we are, how intelligent etc. if we cannot get our message across then we need to develop our communication skills.
Sometimes it seems that connecting with each other is one of the most difficult things in the world, when it should be as easy as breathing. The difficulties come when we:
• have the need to control
• aim to prove we are better than others
• put ourselves down
• feel put down and then try to do the same to the other person
• get defensive
Within communication there are so many nuances – how we say things, the tone of our voice, the way we stand, our facial expressions, etc. There also different types of communication – ones where we are talked to like a child, talk to others as if they were a child, talk about others as if they were less than us, imply something without actually saying it and, thank goodness, real communication when we care about the other person, know that we can have an impact on others, really want to relate and learn about what the other person thinks and are prepared to adjust our thinking accordingly. Of course it is sometimes appropriate to put in a boundary and be firm and effectively structuring, but this can be done in a way that is not punitive or “out to get” someone.
Here is an example of a communication process that has the potential to escalate and for at least one person to feel bad and how to avoid that.
Let’s take an example of a communication that appears out to “get someone”. You are doing a presentation and write up something you wish to teach on the flip chart. You teach from this and then, after some discussion, one of the participants says: “What is your thinking about spelling ‘behaviour’ differently on the flip chart?” There appears to be an ulterior transaction here – one that implies something without actually saying it. We, the receiver of this comment, then have a choice. We can feel stupid and shamed by the comment and become defensive, in which case the process will get very messy. Alternatively, we could keep ourselves and the other person OK, saying in an even voice that we did not notice and checking if this was a problem for the participant. In this way, if there was an attempt to show us up, this does not happen and we seek to understand the other person’s concern – for there may have been some reason for his comment that we do not understand.
So where we appear to be invited into a fight or to feel bad we have choices about how we respond. We need to keep ourselves and other OK and still deal with the situation in a way that puts in a boundary at the same time. Remember, suffering is optional!
Do comment on this post by going clicking on "comments" below and following the link.
For more information about Mountain Associates sign up on our web site: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Sometimes it seems that connecting with each other is one of the most difficult things in the world, when it should be as easy as breathing. The difficulties come when we:
• have the need to control
• aim to prove we are better than others
• put ourselves down
• feel put down and then try to do the same to the other person
• get defensive
Within communication there are so many nuances – how we say things, the tone of our voice, the way we stand, our facial expressions, etc. There also different types of communication – ones where we are talked to like a child, talk to others as if they were a child, talk about others as if they were less than us, imply something without actually saying it and, thank goodness, real communication when we care about the other person, know that we can have an impact on others, really want to relate and learn about what the other person thinks and are prepared to adjust our thinking accordingly. Of course it is sometimes appropriate to put in a boundary and be firm and effectively structuring, but this can be done in a way that is not punitive or “out to get” someone.
Here is an example of a communication process that has the potential to escalate and for at least one person to feel bad and how to avoid that.
Let’s take an example of a communication that appears out to “get someone”. You are doing a presentation and write up something you wish to teach on the flip chart. You teach from this and then, after some discussion, one of the participants says: “What is your thinking about spelling ‘behaviour’ differently on the flip chart?” There appears to be an ulterior transaction here – one that implies something without actually saying it. We, the receiver of this comment, then have a choice. We can feel stupid and shamed by the comment and become defensive, in which case the process will get very messy. Alternatively, we could keep ourselves and the other person OK, saying in an even voice that we did not notice and checking if this was a problem for the participant. In this way, if there was an attempt to show us up, this does not happen and we seek to understand the other person’s concern – for there may have been some reason for his comment that we do not understand.
So where we appear to be invited into a fight or to feel bad we have choices about how we respond. We need to keep ourselves and other OK and still deal with the situation in a way that puts in a boundary at the same time. Remember, suffering is optional!
Do comment on this post by going clicking on "comments" below and following the link.
For more information about Mountain Associates sign up on our web site: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Tuesday 1 July 2008
From Passivity to Action
Are you one of those people who say things like “It’s hot in here” rather than “I would like to open the window, would anyone have any objections?”. Or perhaps you come in and the washing up is not done and you thought your partner would have done it as they were off all day. Resentfully, you set to and wash up. Alternatively you come in to work, Mavis is off sick and no one has organised who will do the lunch shift. You offer to do it and then are over-stretched and end up feeling victim to the situation.
These types of situations are about passivity and are non-problem solving behaviours and they all involve discounting – ignoring or denying some aspect of self, others or the situation.
There are five types of passivity:
• Doing nothing
• Over-adaptation
• Agitation
• Incapacitation
• Violence (the original version links this with incapacitation)
Doing nothing occurs when we have a difficulty but we are doing nothing to resolve it. We are not talking about it nor taking action. This would be the case if I were hot and did nothing to resolve it.
Over-adaptation is when we undertake actions we think someone else would want us to be doing, rather than thinking for ourselves. We might be motivated to do this for “a quiet life”, because we think “They won’t like us if we don’t” etc.
Agitation occurs when we have perhaps tried to over-adapt to someone else but we have not received the recognition we are seeking. We might then begin to tap our fingers or feet, pace up and down and so on. Again this does nothing to actually solve the problem and there is even less thinking available at this stage.
Once we get to the level of incapacitation there is even less thinking available. We may have gone off sick from work, passed out, or been so angry we are incapable of talking.
Violence may then occur is we have still not met our needs and believe that we are not being understood. However, we have not actually done anything to be understood or tried to understand anyone else’s perspective. Violence is often thought of as physical but it may actually be an abusive email or letter. Take for example the person who hangs up the phone on Janice. Janice calls back because she thinks she has been cut off as she had only just said “Hello” when Barry answered the phone. On calling back Janice gets the answer-phone, and, being confused because Barry had just spoken to her suggests that he call her back when he is ready as this may have been a bad time. Barry then sends an email in capital letters (which denotes shouting) saying he feels angry that she has insulted him, but gives no explanation how Janice had done this. He says that he does not want her to contact him again and she will just have to go through someone else if she wants anything as he won’t be treated like this. This sort of response is passive and does nothing to resolve the difficulties he is experiencing with Janice as she is not aware of what she has done and how she can rectify it.
To move from passivity to action we first have to believe that:
• we are important,
• other people have a right to be heard and understood, but not at our own expense
• we can solve problems
• we can stay in relationship – if the other person is willing
• we need to seek to understand the other person
• we need to get rid of all the “trash” in our heads that we have accumulated since the maternity ward (Berne E, 1984ed. What Do You Say After You Say Hello?, Corgi, p4)
• keep ourselves and the other person OK
Call us now for coaching, consultancy, bespoke training programmes and open workshops
These types of situations are about passivity and are non-problem solving behaviours and they all involve discounting – ignoring or denying some aspect of self, others or the situation.
There are five types of passivity:
• Doing nothing
• Over-adaptation
• Agitation
• Incapacitation
• Violence (the original version links this with incapacitation)
Doing nothing occurs when we have a difficulty but we are doing nothing to resolve it. We are not talking about it nor taking action. This would be the case if I were hot and did nothing to resolve it.
Over-adaptation is when we undertake actions we think someone else would want us to be doing, rather than thinking for ourselves. We might be motivated to do this for “a quiet life”, because we think “They won’t like us if we don’t” etc.
Agitation occurs when we have perhaps tried to over-adapt to someone else but we have not received the recognition we are seeking. We might then begin to tap our fingers or feet, pace up and down and so on. Again this does nothing to actually solve the problem and there is even less thinking available at this stage.
Once we get to the level of incapacitation there is even less thinking available. We may have gone off sick from work, passed out, or been so angry we are incapable of talking.
Violence may then occur is we have still not met our needs and believe that we are not being understood. However, we have not actually done anything to be understood or tried to understand anyone else’s perspective. Violence is often thought of as physical but it may actually be an abusive email or letter. Take for example the person who hangs up the phone on Janice. Janice calls back because she thinks she has been cut off as she had only just said “Hello” when Barry answered the phone. On calling back Janice gets the answer-phone, and, being confused because Barry had just spoken to her suggests that he call her back when he is ready as this may have been a bad time. Barry then sends an email in capital letters (which denotes shouting) saying he feels angry that she has insulted him, but gives no explanation how Janice had done this. He says that he does not want her to contact him again and she will just have to go through someone else if she wants anything as he won’t be treated like this. This sort of response is passive and does nothing to resolve the difficulties he is experiencing with Janice as she is not aware of what she has done and how she can rectify it.
To move from passivity to action we first have to believe that:
• we are important,
• other people have a right to be heard and understood, but not at our own expense
• we can solve problems
• we can stay in relationship – if the other person is willing
• we need to seek to understand the other person
• we need to get rid of all the “trash” in our heads that we have accumulated since the maternity ward (Berne E, 1984ed. What Do You Say After You Say Hello?, Corgi, p4)
• keep ourselves and the other person OK
Call us now for coaching, consultancy, bespoke training programmes and open workshops
Thursday 26 June 2008
Staying in Touch
How easy or difficult is it for you to stay in touch with your feelings and with someone else’s feelings? One of the difficulties for us when communicating is in how to be empathic with the other person. We tend to be busy thinking about what we want and how to get it, rather than with understanding the other person. Really excellent empathic responses come from a deeper sense of the other person, and is perhaps closer to the word “attunement” than to empathy. Our ability to be attuned to the other should not mean that we have to give up what we want, but it does mean that we need to consider the impact we have on others, and to do this we need to actively listen as well as seek understanding.
When we are busy trying to “convert” people to what we think that we can miss them. If we miss the other person we also miss out because we have not made connection and developed relationship. We have therefore probably not put down all the “trash we have accumulated since the maternity ward” (Berne E. 1984, What Do You Say After You Say Hello?).
However, being empathic is also enabled on the other person’s part if they are willing to communicate with us, and are able to accept our empathic responses. When the other person is aloof, or cut off in some way then the ability to be empathic and attuned is hampered.
Let’s take the example of caring for someone who is ill. For some people illness may mean that they withdraw and cut-off. When this happens the carer is more likely to experience higher stress levels as they are unable to stay in touch with the person who is unwell and, in turn, they can become increasingly debilitated and tired. How different it is when the person who is ill is willing and able to be responsive. Although tired the carer will feel heard and responded to which helps their own process and energy levels.
Whilst this is a more extreme example than just daily communication it does highlight the need for communication to be two-way (or more). Communication, caring and empathy are co-created with givers and receivers. Both the giver and the receiver need to stay in touch with themselves – their own needs and wants, as well as the other’s needs and wants, and find ways to exchange. This will be a more rewarding process than one where a person cuts offs or negates the empathic or attuned response.
Continued caring for someone who is not able to give back can encouraged “burnout” and lead to a lack of empathy for others. However, where the love and empathy are responded to even those who felt lacking in empathy can have this rekindled.
So, find your empathy and be prepared for others to be empathic with you so that you can create an attuned appropriate response in the here and now, not hampered by the past. Enjoy!
For bespoke in-house as well as open workshops contact Mountain Associates
When we are busy trying to “convert” people to what we think that we can miss them. If we miss the other person we also miss out because we have not made connection and developed relationship. We have therefore probably not put down all the “trash we have accumulated since the maternity ward” (Berne E. 1984, What Do You Say After You Say Hello?).
However, being empathic is also enabled on the other person’s part if they are willing to communicate with us, and are able to accept our empathic responses. When the other person is aloof, or cut off in some way then the ability to be empathic and attuned is hampered.
Let’s take the example of caring for someone who is ill. For some people illness may mean that they withdraw and cut-off. When this happens the carer is more likely to experience higher stress levels as they are unable to stay in touch with the person who is unwell and, in turn, they can become increasingly debilitated and tired. How different it is when the person who is ill is willing and able to be responsive. Although tired the carer will feel heard and responded to which helps their own process and energy levels.
Whilst this is a more extreme example than just daily communication it does highlight the need for communication to be two-way (or more). Communication, caring and empathy are co-created with givers and receivers. Both the giver and the receiver need to stay in touch with themselves – their own needs and wants, as well as the other’s needs and wants, and find ways to exchange. This will be a more rewarding process than one where a person cuts offs or negates the empathic or attuned response.
Continued caring for someone who is not able to give back can encouraged “burnout” and lead to a lack of empathy for others. However, where the love and empathy are responded to even those who felt lacking in empathy can have this rekindled.
So, find your empathy and be prepared for others to be empathic with you so that you can create an attuned appropriate response in the here and now, not hampered by the past. Enjoy!
For bespoke in-house as well as open workshops contact Mountain Associates
Wednesday 21 May 2008
Coaching and the Client Contract
I was discussing coaching with someone the other day who had been informed that they could undertake psychotherapy within the coaching session. The rationale for this was based on what the content of the session was. However, it is not the content that makes the difference but the contract and the aim of the work being undertaken. It is not appropriate to undertake psychotherapy with a client when the contract has been for coaching as the aim of coaching is different.
With coaching the aim is to promote the client’s professional development and integrate performance with development. On the other hand the aim of psychotherapy is primarily the development of the individual, regardless of their professional life. Of course, when we develop personally we are also likely to develop professionally, however the aim of these two different fields, coaching and psychotherapy, are different.
I am both a psychotherapist and a coach and believe it is important not to blur the boundary between the two. If someone requires long term psychotherapy I will refer them on to a psychotherapist and remain as their coach.
We all have personal issues that may hamper our professional development, and professional issues that hamper our personal life, or just a lack of professional experience, knowledge or skill. These areas are appropriate to work with as long as the personal issues are not deep seated and cannot be resolved through a here-and-now co-creative intervention. However, where the issue is personal and only related to the client’s personal life, we should not work here, nor should we work with client issues that clearly require longer term psychotherapy, even if we are qualified to do so, as I am. This is because the contract for coaching, with its allied aims, are different to those of therapy. To my mind, at worst, it is a dangerous boundary to cross and, at best, an arrogant altering of the contractual process which could parallel the blurring of a boundary in some other area of the client’s life.
So, even if you have the skills, knowledge and awareness to undertake psychotherapy, doing so in the wrong context highlights a lack of knowledge, awareness and skill in the coaching field.
Let’s celebrate difference and ensure we maintain boundaries between different fields of development.
For further information on coaching and supervision of coaches give us a call on: 44 (0)1455 824475
With coaching the aim is to promote the client’s professional development and integrate performance with development. On the other hand the aim of psychotherapy is primarily the development of the individual, regardless of their professional life. Of course, when we develop personally we are also likely to develop professionally, however the aim of these two different fields, coaching and psychotherapy, are different.
I am both a psychotherapist and a coach and believe it is important not to blur the boundary between the two. If someone requires long term psychotherapy I will refer them on to a psychotherapist and remain as their coach.
We all have personal issues that may hamper our professional development, and professional issues that hamper our personal life, or just a lack of professional experience, knowledge or skill. These areas are appropriate to work with as long as the personal issues are not deep seated and cannot be resolved through a here-and-now co-creative intervention. However, where the issue is personal and only related to the client’s personal life, we should not work here, nor should we work with client issues that clearly require longer term psychotherapy, even if we are qualified to do so, as I am. This is because the contract for coaching, with its allied aims, are different to those of therapy. To my mind, at worst, it is a dangerous boundary to cross and, at best, an arrogant altering of the contractual process which could parallel the blurring of a boundary in some other area of the client’s life.
So, even if you have the skills, knowledge and awareness to undertake psychotherapy, doing so in the wrong context highlights a lack of knowledge, awareness and skill in the coaching field.
Let’s celebrate difference and ensure we maintain boundaries between different fields of development.
For further information on coaching and supervision of coaches give us a call on: 44 (0)1455 824475
Tuesday 22 April 2008
Know Your Own Pace
All too often we get into a pace that is not really true to us. I am sure some of you know what I mean by this. Perhaps your personal rhythm is to take your time, go for a walk at lunch time, have a 10 minute break in the mornings and afternoons and see friends in the evening. Then come the deadlines, an increase in workload, the demands of perhaps being freelance, and out goes the knowledge of your own pace.
When walking and climbing the rule is to go at the pace of the slowest person. This way the slowest is not at risk of getting over tired and everyone gets to enjoy the view. This is the same as our pace when working. Some people’s work actually improves under pressure and they can work flat out for periods of time. Others work best when they take breaks and pace themselves and in this way they can continue for longer.
The danger comes when our natural propensity is slower than those colleagues we may work with and the demand may be to catch up – even if this is our own personal demand on ourselves. In these instances it is important to talk to ourselves from the Structuring and Nurturing parts of our here and now Adult mode of behaviour, encouraging us to listen to ourselves, to our own rhythm and check if we feel we are getting out of kilter. If we find we are taking fewer breaks, no lunch, getting into “hurry up” then it is time to take stock and recalibrate. In other words it is time to take a look at the view for while and decide to do something by choice rather than by default. What are we scared of? How come we have adopted a rhythm that is not true for us? Is it the organisational culture we are in? Is it really necessary to adapt to others’ pace? What would happen if we returned to our own pace?
Once we start shifting from our own natural pace there is likely to be less thinking available as we have shifted into an Compliant Child mode as a way of getting on. In truth if we recalibrated then what would happen is that the organisation would get more from us. We would be fresh and able to think more clearly as we would be in the here and now. We would increase our creativity as we would feel safe and not driven.
So, learn to listen to yourself. Learn when and how you work best. For sure, sometimes we probably need to do things we would rather not do but when we work to our own rhythm not other people’s everyone wins.
Have a great time listening to yourself.
Contact Mountain Associates for coaching, in-house courses, and open workshops.
When walking and climbing the rule is to go at the pace of the slowest person. This way the slowest is not at risk of getting over tired and everyone gets to enjoy the view. This is the same as our pace when working. Some people’s work actually improves under pressure and they can work flat out for periods of time. Others work best when they take breaks and pace themselves and in this way they can continue for longer.
The danger comes when our natural propensity is slower than those colleagues we may work with and the demand may be to catch up – even if this is our own personal demand on ourselves. In these instances it is important to talk to ourselves from the Structuring and Nurturing parts of our here and now Adult mode of behaviour, encouraging us to listen to ourselves, to our own rhythm and check if we feel we are getting out of kilter. If we find we are taking fewer breaks, no lunch, getting into “hurry up” then it is time to take stock and recalibrate. In other words it is time to take a look at the view for while and decide to do something by choice rather than by default. What are we scared of? How come we have adopted a rhythm that is not true for us? Is it the organisational culture we are in? Is it really necessary to adapt to others’ pace? What would happen if we returned to our own pace?
Once we start shifting from our own natural pace there is likely to be less thinking available as we have shifted into an Compliant Child mode as a way of getting on. In truth if we recalibrated then what would happen is that the organisation would get more from us. We would be fresh and able to think more clearly as we would be in the here and now. We would increase our creativity as we would feel safe and not driven.
So, learn to listen to yourself. Learn when and how you work best. For sure, sometimes we probably need to do things we would rather not do but when we work to our own rhythm not other people’s everyone wins.
Have a great time listening to yourself.
Contact Mountain Associates for coaching, in-house courses, and open workshops.
Monday 10 March 2008
Fire Me, I Made A Mistake!
When was the last time you made a mistake? Did you beat up on yourself? Did you grovel to the person or people who might have been affected by your actions or did you take the action to put it right and move on? I guess these last points may not be mutually exclusive for some. However, we may need to apologise but this does not mean grovelling. It means taking responsibility for our actions and seeking to remedy what we have done – or not done.
You have probably all heard the Henry Ford story about the employee who made a mistake that cost the company $100,000. He went to Ford and told him what he had done and that Ford should fire him. Wisely Ford responded by saying that he would not fire him as he had $100,000 invested in him now and he would not make the same mistake again. However, many of us seem to forget that when we make a mistake. It is often our own internal voice that punishes us and all too often this voice is harsher than any one else’s.
There is an American expression “Don’t sweat the small stuff”, well, actually we should also not “sweat the large stuff” either. Problem solve, apologise, and check out what we can do to put it right and then learn from the mistake so that it doesn’t happen again. This might mean setting up new systems, or getting extra help, but it does not mean berating ourselves over and over again – how will that help?
So, get resilient. Think before acting, check that systems are in place to ensure the same thing does not happen again. Only take on the amount of work you can take on, rather than letting people down because you took on too much. Take responsibility when, and if, things go wrong. Learn the skills needed to improve performance, and, above all, keep everyone, including ourselves, OK.
You have probably all heard the Henry Ford story about the employee who made a mistake that cost the company $100,000. He went to Ford and told him what he had done and that Ford should fire him. Wisely Ford responded by saying that he would not fire him as he had $100,000 invested in him now and he would not make the same mistake again. However, many of us seem to forget that when we make a mistake. It is often our own internal voice that punishes us and all too often this voice is harsher than any one else’s.
There is an American expression “Don’t sweat the small stuff”, well, actually we should also not “sweat the large stuff” either. Problem solve, apologise, and check out what we can do to put it right and then learn from the mistake so that it doesn’t happen again. This might mean setting up new systems, or getting extra help, but it does not mean berating ourselves over and over again – how will that help?
So, get resilient. Think before acting, check that systems are in place to ensure the same thing does not happen again. Only take on the amount of work you can take on, rather than letting people down because you took on too much. Take responsibility when, and if, things go wrong. Learn the skills needed to improve performance, and, above all, keep everyone, including ourselves, OK.
Thursday 14 February 2008
Know Where You are Going
When we are going on holiday we have the route mapped out. We follow the sign-posts and hopefully get there without too much difficulty. On the odd occasion we might take a wrong turning but either our map-reading skills, our enquiries or our sat-nav. will tell us how to get back on the right route.
Somehow though we can be somewhat vague when thinking about life and where we want to get to. We even ask children what they want to do when they grow up, we don’t ask them what they want to create in their lives.
When we go on holiday we have some decisions to make and so it is with our lives. What do we want to create in our life? How will we get there? Will anyone go with us or will we do it on our own? If we get lost what will we do – feel annoyed, give up, become anxious or find the right way for us? All of these things are about choosing options and getting the balance between freedom and responsibility. Too much choice without a structure can be frightening for some, whilst too much responsibility can be overwhelming. Obtaining the right balance for us, as an individual, will help us to create what we want in life.
First we must choose our goal. Goals or visions are about what we want to create in our lives and how we want to be, including our values and ideals etc. When we have developed our vision we can decide what primary decisions we need to make to move toward that vision. When these areas are congruent we will feel in harmony with ourselves and with our life.
What do you want to create in your life?
Somehow though we can be somewhat vague when thinking about life and where we want to get to. We even ask children what they want to do when they grow up, we don’t ask them what they want to create in their lives.
When we go on holiday we have some decisions to make and so it is with our lives. What do we want to create in our life? How will we get there? Will anyone go with us or will we do it on our own? If we get lost what will we do – feel annoyed, give up, become anxious or find the right way for us? All of these things are about choosing options and getting the balance between freedom and responsibility. Too much choice without a structure can be frightening for some, whilst too much responsibility can be overwhelming. Obtaining the right balance for us, as an individual, will help us to create what we want in life.
First we must choose our goal. Goals or visions are about what we want to create in our lives and how we want to be, including our values and ideals etc. When we have developed our vision we can decide what primary decisions we need to make to move toward that vision. When these areas are congruent we will feel in harmony with ourselves and with our life.
What do you want to create in your life?
Thursday 10 January 2008
Using Time
Perhaps considering how to use our time to the best possible advantage might offer some solutions to stress mangement. Research (de Woet, quoted in Godefroy and Clark 1989, The Complete Time Management System,) shows that we often waste 97% of our energy undertaking tasks that are not appropriate for our performance level. Therefore this only leaves 3% which is at our skill level. Instead we need to delegate tasks to others – secretaries, assistants, colleagues, staff etc.
If we have dreams which we translate into goals and then transform these into tasks this will enable us to make decisions about whether a particular action will get us closer to our dream or further away. We can then only take work that gets us closer to our dream. Of course, eliminating all work which does not get us closer may not be possible straight away, if at all. However, we can minimise it. We just need to take one small step each day toward our dream.
It may be helpful as well to question the script issues that may be involved in the way you wish to spend your life. For some the drive is for acquisitions and material wealth, whereas for others it is about having enough to relax and enjoy themselves, meeting friends, spending time with the family. What do each of your modes say about the way they think you are to spend your life? (Take a look at our Transactional Analysis section on this web site if you would like more information on these concepts).
Celebration also needs to take place at every level (see Concepts for Thriving, Mountain, 2004), otherwise we get depleted. Time management is also about taking time out to get exercise; take care of ourselves with a massage; meet friends; meeting colleagues for mutual support time. All of which often get squeezed out, but which are necessary to obtain balance.
Being Physical!
If we trust our bodies as well as our psyche we are more likely to be in tune with ourselves. One day when doing Quigong I was interrupted. On returning to my exercise I could not remember how to start the move I had left. I did remember the previous move and started there, the next one then just flowed. If our minds don’t remember our bodies will. We need to get in touch with our physical side, listen to what it tells us and then we are more likely to know when we are becoming stressed, or if the next piece of work would push us over the top. Our bodies as well as our minds have the answers, we just need to tune in. Very often we discount our physical signs and rationalise our way into situations rather than listen and consider what our feelings – emotional and physical are telling us.
Worrying tends to effect life-balance. We worry about where we might find the money to meet our financial commitments or what we will do if we get ill and cannot work etc. To worry is to be consumed and obsessed by the question. Whereas, if we are worried about something and consider it attentively, rather than obsessively, we are likely to obtain options and perspective.
Ask yourself:
What am I worrying about?
Be prepared to keep asking the question. You can do this when walking, doing the garden etc.
Follow where the question leads you. If the question changes or another arises go with that one.
If this practice offers an answer then you can go on to the next question.
A questioning mind, rather than a worrying mind, enables life balance. Further, most of the things we every worry about never happen. If they do happen and we have worried obsessively rather than attentively we are likely to be too tired to deal with it!
We need to trust ourselves, and ensure we expect the best of ourselves and of our workplace.
How will you choose to use your time in 2008?
If we have dreams which we translate into goals and then transform these into tasks this will enable us to make decisions about whether a particular action will get us closer to our dream or further away. We can then only take work that gets us closer to our dream. Of course, eliminating all work which does not get us closer may not be possible straight away, if at all. However, we can minimise it. We just need to take one small step each day toward our dream.
It may be helpful as well to question the script issues that may be involved in the way you wish to spend your life. For some the drive is for acquisitions and material wealth, whereas for others it is about having enough to relax and enjoy themselves, meeting friends, spending time with the family. What do each of your modes say about the way they think you are to spend your life? (Take a look at our Transactional Analysis section on this web site if you would like more information on these concepts).
Celebration also needs to take place at every level (see Concepts for Thriving, Mountain, 2004), otherwise we get depleted. Time management is also about taking time out to get exercise; take care of ourselves with a massage; meet friends; meeting colleagues for mutual support time. All of which often get squeezed out, but which are necessary to obtain balance.
Being Physical!
If we trust our bodies as well as our psyche we are more likely to be in tune with ourselves. One day when doing Quigong I was interrupted. On returning to my exercise I could not remember how to start the move I had left. I did remember the previous move and started there, the next one then just flowed. If our minds don’t remember our bodies will. We need to get in touch with our physical side, listen to what it tells us and then we are more likely to know when we are becoming stressed, or if the next piece of work would push us over the top. Our bodies as well as our minds have the answers, we just need to tune in. Very often we discount our physical signs and rationalise our way into situations rather than listen and consider what our feelings – emotional and physical are telling us.
Worrying tends to effect life-balance. We worry about where we might find the money to meet our financial commitments or what we will do if we get ill and cannot work etc. To worry is to be consumed and obsessed by the question. Whereas, if we are worried about something and consider it attentively, rather than obsessively, we are likely to obtain options and perspective.
Ask yourself:
What am I worrying about?
Be prepared to keep asking the question. You can do this when walking, doing the garden etc.
Follow where the question leads you. If the question changes or another arises go with that one.
If this practice offers an answer then you can go on to the next question.
A questioning mind, rather than a worrying mind, enables life balance. Further, most of the things we every worry about never happen. If they do happen and we have worried obsessively rather than attentively we are likely to be too tired to deal with it!
We need to trust ourselves, and ensure we expect the best of ourselves and of our workplace.
How will you choose to use your time in 2008?
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