Dealing With The Process

We all feel stuck at some time or other and yet want to get on with the task in hand. We persist in the same behaviours in an attempt to get the other person or people to undertake the action they have promised, or find ways to meet the other person and develop an understanding between us, all of this in pursuance of the task. However, we get nowhere. When this happens one option is to deal with the process rather than the task. In other words we need to address what is going on between us rather than just repeating ourselves.

Let’s take the example of a promise. Jack promises Andrea that he will return the camera he borrowed from her. They had previously agreed that he could borrow it for his sister’s wedding but would return it on 20 August, two weeks after borrowing it. As the time approaches Andrea calls Jack to arrange to go for a coffee when Jack can return the camera. Jack agrees to the arrangement, but on the day phones and says that he can’t make it but will return the camera in the week. The week passes and Jack does not turn up and so Andrea does not have the return of her camera. Again Andrea calls Jack, again more promises and more breaks of those promises.

Eventually, Andrea calls Jack and expresses how she is feeling about the situation. She believes that she is now in a game (see www.mountain-associates.co.uk/games.html) with Jack and decides to deal with the process of what has been going on between them, rather than to persist with familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome – in this instance, Jack not returning the camera. Andrea informs Jack that she is now wary of trusting Jack and this situation is damaging their friendship. She has really valued him as a friend and would like him to return the camera now and discuss with her what has been going on. If he has lost it she would prefer him to say so and to buy her another one, than to continue in this way. That way she feels she is more likely to be able to maintain a relationship with him.

For his part, Jack experiences being confronted with his process by Andrea and whilst uncomfortable is able to see what she is saying to him. He informs Andrea that the shutter on the camera broke whilst he was using it. He felt bad about it, even though he did nothing to damage it, and has put it in for repair. They have a “heart to heart” conversation about this and Andrea feels closer to Jack and he brings round the camera two weeks later.

Okay, so not all situations turn out this well but even so dealing with the process will be of assistance. Therefore, the next time you experience going round and round, taking the same old actions I suggest dealing with the process instead. Of course this will all need to be undertaken in Accounting mode.
(http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/ego_states4.html )

So, the motto needs to be “When the process gets in the way of the task, deal with the process”.


Mountain Associates are highly trained and skilled Transactional Analysts. If you want professional assistance with coaching, supervision of coaching, in-house training we have many years of training in Transactional Analysis which is a social psychology.