Know Your Own Pace

All too often we get into a pace that is not really true to us. I am sure some of you know what I mean by this. Perhaps your personal rhythm is to take your time, go for a walk at lunch time, have a 10 minute break in the mornings and afternoons and see friends in the evening. Then come the deadlines, an increase in workload, the demands of perhaps being freelance, and out goes the knowledge of your own pace.

When walking and climbing the rule is to go at the pace of the slowest person. This way the slowest is not at risk of getting over tired and everyone gets to enjoy the view. This is the same as our pace when working. Some people’s work actually improves under pressure and they can work flat out for periods of time. Others work best when they take breaks and pace themselves and in this way they can continue for longer.

The danger comes when our natural propensity is slower than those colleagues we may work with and the demand may be to catch up – even if this is our own personal demand on ourselves. In these instances it is important to talk to ourselves from the Structuring and Nurturing parts of our here and now Adult mode of behaviour, encouraging us to listen to ourselves, to our own rhythm and check if we feel we are getting out of kilter. If we find we are taking fewer breaks, no lunch, getting into “hurry up” then it is time to take stock and recalibrate. In other words it is time to take a look at the view for while and decide to do something by choice rather than by default. What are we scared of? How come we have adopted a rhythm that is not true for us? Is it the organisational culture we are in? Is it really necessary to adapt to others’ pace? What would happen if we returned to our own pace?

Once we start shifting from our own natural pace there is likely to be less thinking available as we have shifted into an Compliant Child mode as a way of getting on. In truth if we recalibrated then what would happen is that the organisation would get more from us. We would be fresh and able to think more clearly as we would be in the here and now. We would increase our creativity as we would feel safe and not driven.

So, learn to listen to yourself. Learn when and how you work best. For sure, sometimes we probably need to do things we would rather not do but when we work to our own rhythm not other people’s everyone wins.

Have a great time listening to yourself.


Contact Mountain Associates for coaching, in-house courses, and open workshops.

Fire Me, I Made A Mistake!

When was the last time you made a mistake? Did you beat up on yourself? Did you grovel to the person or people who might have been affected by your actions or did you take the action to put it right and move on? I guess these last points may not be mutually exclusive for some. However, we may need to apologise but this does not mean grovelling. It means taking responsibility for our actions and seeking to remedy what we have done – or not done.

You have probably all heard the Henry Ford story about the employee who made a mistake that cost the company $100,000. He went to Ford and told him what he had done and that Ford should fire him. Wisely Ford responded by saying that he would not fire him as he had $100,000 invested in him now and he would not make the same mistake again. However, many of us seem to forget that when we make a mistake. It is often our own internal voice that punishes us and all too often this voice is harsher than any one else’s.

There is an American expression “Don’t sweat the small stuff”, well, actually we should also not “sweat the large stuff” either. Problem solve, apologise, and check out what we can do to put it right and then learn from the mistake so that it doesn’t happen again. This might mean setting up new systems, or getting extra help, but it does not mean berating ourselves over and over again – how will that help?

So, get resilient. Think before acting, check that systems are in place to ensure the same thing does not happen again. Only take on the amount of work you can take on, rather than letting people down because you took on too much. Take responsibility when, and if, things go wrong. Learn the skills needed to improve performance, and, above all, keep everyone, including ourselves, OK.

Know Where You are Going

When we are going on holiday we have the route mapped out. We follow the sign-posts and hopefully get there without too much difficulty. On the odd occasion we might take a wrong turning but either our map-reading skills, our enquiries or our sat-nav. will tell us how to get back on the right route.

Somehow though we can be somewhat vague when thinking about life and where we want to get to. We even ask children what they want to do when they grow up, we don’t ask them what they want to create in their lives.

When we go on holiday we have some decisions to make and so it is with our lives. What do we want to create in our life? How will we get there? Will anyone go with us or will we do it on our own? If we get lost what will we do – feel annoyed, give up, become anxious or find the right way for us? All of these things are about choosing options and getting the balance between freedom and responsibility. Too much choice without a structure can be frightening for some, whilst too much responsibility can be overwhelming. Obtaining the right balance for us, as an individual, will help us to create what we want in life.

First we must choose our goal. Goals or visions are about what we want to create in our lives and how we want to be, including our values and ideals etc. When we have developed our vision we can decide what primary decisions we need to make to move toward that vision. When these areas are congruent we will feel in harmony with ourselves and with our life.

What do you want to create in your life?

Using Time

Perhaps considering how to use our time to the best possible advantage might offer some solutions to stress mangement. Research (de Woet, quoted in Godefroy and Clark 1989, The Complete Time Management System,) shows that we often waste 97% of our energy undertaking tasks that are not appropriate for our performance level. Therefore this only leaves 3% which is at our skill level. Instead we need to delegate tasks to others – secretaries, assistants, colleagues, staff etc.

If we have dreams which we translate into goals and then transform these into tasks this will enable us to make decisions about whether a particular action will get us closer to our dream or further away. We can then only take work that gets us closer to our dream. Of course, eliminating all work which does not get us closer may not be possible straight away, if at all. However, we can minimise it. We just need to take one small step each day toward our dream.

It may be helpful as well to question the script issues that may be involved in the way you wish to spend your life. For some the drive is for acquisitions and material wealth, whereas for others it is about having enough to relax and enjoy themselves, meeting friends, spending time with the family. What do each of your modes say about the way they think you are to spend your life? (Take a look at our Transactional Analysis section on this web site if you would like more information on these concepts).

Celebration also needs to take place at every level (see Concepts for Thriving, Mountain, 2004), otherwise we get depleted. Time management is also about taking time out to get exercise; take care of ourselves with a massage; meet friends; meeting colleagues for mutual support time. All of which often get squeezed out, but which are necessary to obtain balance.

Being Physical!

If we trust our bodies as well as our psyche we are more likely to be in tune with ourselves. One day when doing Quigong I was interrupted. On returning to my exercise I could not remember how to start the move I had left. I did remember the previous move and started there, the next one then just flowed. If our minds don’t remember our bodies will. We need to get in touch with our physical side, listen to what it tells us and then we are more likely to know when we are becoming stressed, or if the next piece of work would push us over the top. Our bodies as well as our minds have the answers, we just need to tune in. Very often we discount our physical signs and rationalise our way into situations rather than listen and consider what our feelings – emotional and physical are telling us.

Worrying tends to effect life-balance. We worry about where we might find the money to meet our financial commitments or what we will do if we get ill and cannot work etc. To worry is to be consumed and obsessed by the question. Whereas, if we are worried about something and consider it attentively, rather than obsessively, we are likely to obtain options and perspective.

Ask yourself:

 What am I worrying about?
 Be prepared to keep asking the question. You can do this when walking, doing the garden etc.
 Follow where the question leads you. If the question changes or another arises go with that one.
 If this practice offers an answer then you can go on to the next question.

A questioning mind, rather than a worrying mind, enables life balance. Further, most of the things we every worry about never happen. If they do happen and we have worried obsessively rather than attentively we are likely to be too tired to deal with it!

We need to trust ourselves, and ensure we expect the best of ourselves and of our workplace.

How will you choose to use your time in 2008?

Being Hosts

We have just experienced our Russian month. November involved hosting two Russian colleagues at different times as well as going to Russia as we usually do at this time of year. The Russian women were studying here and were hosted by different people. When it came to our turn we chose the places we were going to take them as part of the cultural programme. For Lena, who loves singing, we went to an a cappella singing workshop directed by Una May Olomolaiye. At the first song Lena was so moved she cried as she had not experienced such joy and power before.

With Olga our last Russian guest the Choir Anita attends, also with Una May, were singing at an event. Having been away, Anita was not aware what the event was, but thought Olga would enjoy hearing the choir and Olga said that she wanted to go anyway. So Chris and Olga turned up to what turned out to be a celebration of a woman within the Black community. This celebration was called an “appreciation” of Jenny Solomon, who had been a Youth Director for the region. This was a really moving event. The Black community had turned up in force and included all ages. The evening involved poetry being read to Jenny, songs being sung to her and speeches being made about her. She was definitely the guest of honour and there was so much joy and positive recognition that we could not help but be affected by it. Our choir sang for her and the whole community joined in with gusto.

So why write about this? Well, I think it is pretty clear that appreciation is so important and while a whole evening in someone’s name may not always be possible or appropriate we could certainly do with more of it. We could also do with more of the joy that was present at this event. Yes, there was sadness too, and tears were shed by those who knew Jenny but there was such a feeling of warmth that it seemed okay whatever feelings were being expressed.

As for our Russian guest I think it was a bit overwhelming and way outside of her cultural experience – but one she will never forget.

So, at this time of year when joy is an expectation, how about taking some time to think how, in the coming year, you can appreciate those you know. In the white British culture we tend not to give recognition, even when we have it to give, but if we started to do it, and if it were genuine, we might actually put the “kind” back into human kind, and bring a bit of that joy that can be missing for many.

Stress Management

One of the things that happens when we are stressed is that we can often start to have obsessive thinking. Our attention becomes focussed on the “What if….” in terms of what might happen and these are usually worse case scenarios. These thoughts in themselves then raise our anxiety and make the situation even more difficult.

Let’s imagine there has been a complaint by a colleague about something you are supposed to have done. In your own eyes you are innocent of this accusation but your employer has decided to take disciplinary measures and the situation is being investigated. At this point you start to believe that there must be something wrong with you, you begin to beat up on yourself and any remaining humour you have is now against yourself e.g. “You’d better write that down as there’s nothing between the ears! Ha, ha, ha!” When laying in bed at night, or during any quiet moment, your thoughts start to go down the negative route of “What if I lose my job? If that happens I will lose the house. I won’t be able to get another job.……………..” etc. etc.

When we start to think like this we are focussed in the future not in the now. By staying in the present we will be less stressed. I recognise that staying present is not necessarily an easy process, but we can train our minds to do this. Every time we start to go down the negative thought route we need to bring ourselves back. It may be that we have been thinking negatively for some time before we even realise what we are doing. However, as soon as we do notice we still need to bring ourselves back to the now. What is real now? Who is here to support us now? Who will I ask for support from now? What can I do now that will help to relax me?

Staying in the present is something that can be eased through meditation. Just sitting in a chair and focussing our minds on the sensation of our bottoms on a chair and to keep returning to this each time we find ourselves wandering off somewhere else, will help train ourselves to stay in the present.

It is important to train, or actually re-train our minds because when we are stressed it seems as if our minds control us, rather than the other way round. We can start to believe that we cannot do anything about these negative thought processes, and this is reflective of not feeling in control of the situation. However, even if others have control over the disciplinary process, for example, we have control over our mind and what we do with it. Therefore it is better to use our energy by being positive because, even if the worst happens, we are more likely to have the energy to deal with it, rather than being already on our beam ends. Further, the worst may not happen anyway and we have wasted our time in worrying.

Okay, in this example, I have talked about a situation where you believe you are innocent. However, even if you have done something wrong there are still ways to deal with the stress of this. One certain way is to own up to the wrong doing so at least you can live with yourself and not spend your energy trying to cover up something.

On an individual level staying present is, of course, only one way to deal with stress. In addition, measures also need to be taken by the organisation itself to ensure the workforce are supported.

For more information on stress management contact Mountain Associates and see how we can support your workforce: ta@mountain-associates.co.uk

Going The Extra Mile

During a training the trainer programme we discussed the concept of “going the extra mile”, i.e. doing something extra for a client that was not contracted for. One example, an electrician has a job to put electricity down to a shed at the bottom of a garden. Whilst there the house owner says “Oh, whilst you’re here would you mind just putting up a new light fitting for me?”. The electrician thinks that this is good for business and agrees to do it. It takes half an hour of his time, for which he does not charge, but he is late home that night which is the third night in succession that this sort has happened. At the end of the year when the contractor is questioned by accountant about how many of the give-away jobs are undertaken they tot up the total to a colossal £20,000 in lost revenue and time.

So, is this a good thing or not?

In Transactional Analysis terms we could think of it in terms of script. The script is a life plan that we make as children based on limited life experience. These decisions can have positive or negative affects. When a child hears messages such as “Go on, have a go, I will be there to support you” they are likely to develop confidence and abilities in a range of areas as their belief systems will be about taking calculated risks, being okay if they fail etc. How different this would be to the child who hears “Don’t be stupid, you’ll never be able to do that”. As children we then make decisions based on this limited experience and then, outside our awareness, we live our lives according to those early decisions.

So, let’s get back to the “extra mile”. If I have a contract with an organisation and then, on a number of occasions, they ask me to complete forms that are outside the contract and take up to half an hour of my time, what should I do? If I agree to writing reports for a company at no charge because I think this will be good for Mountain Associates then this may be an effective use of my time and money. However, if I don’t re-contract with the client company it is likely that they have no awareness that I am doing it over and above the original contract so the benefit for Mountain Associates is lost. In effect, I am saying, to the client company, that breaking a contractual boundary is fine and I am likely to end up feeling resentful as a result of the extra unpaid time and effort on my part. In addition the client is also more likely to do this again. On the other hand it may be that I am completing the forms because I think I “should”, not because we have made a business case for doing so. Perhaps my parents expected me to do things for others, or, I found that if I did things for others then they seemed to like me more, it is probable that I may continue to do this even when it is not appropriate.

How many times have you run over on a time boundary legitimising it as offering the client something that other consultants don’t do, or even that your train is not for another hour and you can fit in a bit longer with the client etc. On deeper exploration we can often find we have done so because we believed we “should”, or we wanted to be liked, not because in the here-and-now we firmly believe it is good for our business.

The problem with “going the extra mile” is when we do so in script not because we think it is good for business. The decision does not come from here-and-now Adult ego state and we are discounting ourselves and our value. Add up all the times you have done something because you thought you “should” and check whether you feel resentful.

We need to balance out doing things for free with the business case for doing so. If your exploration into the amount of time and energy you put into “going the extra mile” leaves you severely out of pocket and resentful I would suggest you might be in script.

I am not suggesting however, that there should be a business case made for everything we do for free for others. That is not the point. Businesses thrive on good will and good service. I am sure we can all remember the time a restaurant owner made us something special because of some dietary problem, or a store assistant carried something out to the car, or someone did not charge us for a broken appointment. These instances restore our faith in human nature, let along make good business sense. However, when we do things that are in script this can be bad for business and bad for us, as boundaries get broken which can have a detrimental affect on all concerned. That is why all of us in business for ourselves need to develop an awareness of script and our own script beliefs so that we can be here-and-now in the decision-making processes.