Making the Shift

How often do you feel that the other person you are relating has the upper hand in the dialogue?  Perhaps your role is new to that organisation, or your ideas don’t seem to fit in with that culture.  At such times the temptation is to either withdraw or fight.  Neither option is really effective.  Instead here’s an idea for you. 

I have just been facilitating a seminar for directors and shared with them this idea which was found to be valuable.   

You are sharing your opinion about a project with someone who discounts you and your views.  They seem to misunderstand you, your role and/or your perspective.  Rather than feeling angry or demoralised I invite you to consider this as an educational issue and keep yourself and them okay.  Then, having done a quick bit of positive internal self-talk, go for the idea of a mini-contracting process with them.   Let’s say the person you are talking with is called Peter and you are Chris.  Here’s what it might look like:

Peter: (Discounting your and your professional and organisational role) We’ve got this issue sorted really.  What you are offering doesn’t really fit with our frame of reference but I’m sure we can find a way of appeasing X/Y on this one.

Chris:  Mmm, that’s good information for me (keeping self & Peter OK).  As I’m new to this organisation/role would it be worth you taking an hour of your time to find out what I do and the impact on (sales/culture/community/customers etc.)? (A question that invites Peter to account rather than discount).  We could also discuss the relationship between our roles.  Would that be sufficiently important for you to put time aside? (Assessing the reality of the importance to Peter).

Peter:  Well, I guess it would.

Chris:  So, how are you fixed for …….. at ……? Shall I come here? 

Peter:  Yes, that’s fine.

Chris:  What might get in the way of that meeting?

Peter:  Well, X/Y could.

Chris:  Okay then, let’s reschedule at a time when you’ll be clear of any other pressures.         When would that be? (This last transaction helps to avoid sabotage).

This mini-contracting process is helpful because you are asking questions that need a “Yes” or “No” response.  In reality it is hard for someone to say “no” they’re not interested and you are also checking that they are not going to set up a meeting then cancel it.  It’s helpful if you can find something that they need to be cognisant of which might be sales, impact, budgets etc. so that they can see the benefits of meeting with you.  On the other hand, if they were to say “No” then at least you know where you are and you are then free to consider a different strategy. 

When you remain in the Mindful Process you will have more thinking available.  You are also more likely to hook the other person’s Mindful Process i.e. thinking, awareness, connection (for further details of the OK Modes Model which has Mindful at its heart see our book Working Together, Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance.  Information on our website:  www.mountain-associates.co.uk).

Ø      When did this type of contracting process pay off for you? 

Ø      When, by keeping yourself and the other person OK, did you engage and enable effective communication?

We are available for in-house training and coaching.  In the meantime find out more about our approach and how we can be of assistance to you by purchasing "Working Together".  See Amazon.co.uk for reviews and download a free chapter from our website:  www.mountain-associates.co.uk.  We also facilitate open-workshops and Anita Mountain is available to speak at your event.

Dare To Be Different

If you have an idea that you are excited and passionate about then listen to your passion.  People follow people who are passionate and if you want to be a leader then you need to take people with you – and passion can do that.  Passion does mean being prepared to be different though.  How many people do you know that are passionate about the work that they do, or the processes they are involved in?  Few I bet.   

When we meet people who are passionate about life, what they do, other people, we tend to feel drawn toward them.  Therefore if you have an idea, are a leader or manager and want to move forward, then take people with you with your passion – albeit passion with positive processes and strategic thinking.   

It is often too easy to be put off by our own negative thinking, for example:  “This will never happen to someone like me”, or “If that worked then something awful will follow” or “Who am I to think I can……..”  It will be all too easy to find those who act as the discouraging committee, instead, find people who will be the encouraging committee and go for it.   

If you are someone who believes they have too much to lose by going out on a limb then think about how you can minimise those risks and what strategies you can use.  Simple things are often the best.  Anything is possible if we think positively and move forward.  Afterall it took 178 attempts before Eddison developed the light bulb, and he is known for saying that he found 178 ways for the light not to work!  With a positive frame of mind and his passion he continued and was successful.  The same goes today for those who are determined to do things differently, whether at work or in their personal lives.  In the work place others may be doing things they way they have always been done, leading the organization to at best stagnate and at worst to decline.  Do things differently, find people with whom you can check out your ideas and go for it.

Let us know what you have done that was different and how this led to success. Inspire others and comment below.

For coaching, consultancy and training contact Mountain Associates and see how we can support you and your workforce.  Our guest workshop on 19 April is Managing Emotions in the Workplace with Olivier Montadat, go to our website for further details:  www.mountain-associates.co.uk/orgta_topics Download a free chapter and buy our book Working Together: www.mountain-associates.co.uk

Lifting Your Limits in 2012*

Most of us never achieve our true potential because we have self-limiting beliefs which we treat as a fact.  These beliefs then influence the way we relate with others and the work we do and the way we do it.  We may have had dreams and ideas about what we would like to do but think that “people like us” can’t do things like “that”. 

These beliefs will affect our leadership styles, how we work with other people and how we express our opinions – or not as the case might be. 

Check out what you believe about yourself, others and life: 

Ø      Have you been acting as if these are facts when they are really beliefs? 

Ø      What effect has this been having on your life, including the job you do, and how you do it, the relationships you have and how you are within those? 

Ø      What will you believe instead?

Ø      What difference will this make in your life? 

Ø      What do you need to do to reinforce this new belief? 

Ø      From whom do you need support? 

Ø      When will you ask them for this support?

Ø      What will you do if you forget and go down the old pathway?

Ø      What will you do to reinforce this new belief?

Ø      How will you know when this new belief is really cemented in?

Ø      How will you celebrate your changes? 

Enjoy 2012 and think big, because we all need to shoot for the stars so that even if we miss we’ll get the moon!  Put out your intention and lift your limits*.

*Lifting Your Limits is a programme created by four of us, two consultant clinical psychologists and two Transactional Analysts.  To enquire about this course contact: ta@mountain-associates.co.uk  In the meantime read out book:  Working Together, Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, published by Gower and available from them as well as Amazon. Or come on our next Official Introducation to TA.

Stress - whose responsibility?

Stress can be very invasive and if you are not in tune with early warning signs of stress you can often feel as if it has crept up on you. How you deal with stress is due to historical and habitual responses. Responses differ as a consequence of different cultures, experiences, beliefs and personalities. For example, if in a crisis, a report needs to be produced within a day, you might see this as a challenge or you may become stressed by it. You could be someone who enjoys managing twenty staff or be someone who prefers to work at home alone. Ensuring the right person is in the right job acts as a protection for both the organization and the individual.

When stressed you are likely to react in one or more of the following ways:

·         make more mistakes

·         prefer solitude

·         want to go further and further with the challenges, raising your stress levels ever higher

·         need to be right

·         become over–controlling

·         believe there is something wrong with you

Resilience is a key factor in stress prevention. Resilience is the ability to recover despite periodical setbacks and problems. Highly resilient people know how to bounce back and find a way to have things turn out well.  

Stress can be eased through the ability to make good relationships because then you are likely to believe that you are OK and others are also OK. If you have difficulty in forming relationships you are likely to believe that either, you are not OK and others are better than you, or that you are better than others. Believing that everyone is OK offers a secure base from which to operate. When this happens attachment to your team and to the organization is likely to increase. One outcome of this is that you will be able to appropriately say ‘No’ to things whilst still keeping yourself and others OK.

All organizations need to take account of the organizational culture, leadership styles and the current pressures being faced by leaders and shop floor workers alike.  It is not only the individual who is responsible for their own stress but so too is the organization.  If a manager's leadership style is brusque and aggressive this will inevitably have an effect on the workforce.  Good management entails effective supervision which in turn entails noticing when someone is on overload and doing something about it.  

One of the causes of stress on people is the need to multi–task. Administrators and secretarial staff have to do this a lot – be it writing a report, answering a query when someone comes to their office or answering the phone. Whilst this is an accepted pressure for administrators it does not mean that it is necessarily any easier for them than for others. The western world tends to see multi–tasking as good, hence the comments about women being able to do it well, whereas men are often seen as lacking this ability. Whether or not this is a fallacy it does highlight that fact that multi–tasking is valued. Getting your life in balance probably means doing less multi–tasking and becoming more focused.

For more on managing yourself and others then buy our book: Working Together, Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, Gower, 2011, also available from Amazon.  You can also attend our Advanced Communication Skills, Level 1, (incorporating the Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis) later this month but you can register for our next one in February, 2012.  Go to our website: http://courses.mountain-associates.co.uk/ta101.html

That's going too far!

I was recently at a seminar where the trainer talked about how to get on with a client.  One example given related to visiting a client organization and when the person you are seeing asks if you would like a drink then you are advised to check what they are having and have the same.  He went on to say that if you don’t do this you won’t get the work with the organization.   

From a Transactional Analysis perspective this is not a helpful suggestion.  By asking what the client is drinking makes it look like you don’t have your own thoughts (or even taste buds!).  This means that you could be experienced as being willing to please them and if they do commission you they may, albeit subconsciously, be doing so because you will adapt to them.   

If I ask what someone would like to drink I expect them to take responsibility for saying what they would like.  If, in the example given, the client expects you to adapt to them then I would suggest that you don’t work for them.  This matching approach might be experienced by some as good practice but for TA people it reinforces passive behaviour.   

Matching in terms of the words we use and the pace in which we talk is one thing, but matching in terms of likes and dislikes is certainly another - for me that's going too far.

People buy from people and, at some point if you try to over-adapt it can (a) reinforce your belief that you are not as important as someone else and should not have your own thoughts or (b) you will not be able to maintain this style and then the relationship will break down as it was developed on a false premise or (c) it sends a signal to the client that you are ready to be “pleasing” and put your own needs to one side. 

The motto here is “Be Yourself”.  Use your relationship and communications skills, and learn techniques for improving these, but balance this with listening to yourself as well.

Buy our book “Working Together, Organization Transactional Analysis and Business Performance”, published by Gower.  Go to our website for a free chapter and the links to Gower and Amazon:  www.mountain-associates.co.uk

If you are looking for a keynote speaker then give us a call right now and let’s see if Anita Mountain is a match for your needs.

Be Yourself

Many of the people I coach come because they experience difficulties in relating to others, or to specific kinds of people. Mostly the issue is us - our attitude, our frame of reference about ourselves, others and life. Even if other people are experienced as "difficult" by a range of other people it is still up to us how we respond. If we believe that we are as good as anyone else then, even when under stress, we can find ways to keep ourselves okay. For example, there are often people whose only way of feeling okay is to put someone else down and attempt to sabotage any progress or success others are having. If we lose our grip at these times then we are likely to spiral downwards.

In order to deal with sabotaging behaviour, negativity and put-downs you need to talk to yourself positively. If you don't have sufficient strength in your Structuring Modes of behaviour (see our website on OK Modes to understand this further) then consider what someone else you respect might say. This will help you to stay Mindful (in the present moment) and take the appropriate steps. If you need to relate with this person then how you respond will be different to if you don't. If you should fall into the hole of making yourself not OK then you are giving your power away and agreeing with the other person's manipulative behaviour. Remaining in the here-and-now means that you will have more thinking available and there are ways in which you can deal with people that keep them okay but also set and maintain boundaries. This will also be of assistance to keep yourself feeling okay, despite the difficulties you are experiencing.

For more information on working with others, including issues of bullying, conflict and stress, then buy our book "Working Together: Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance" published by Gower and also available on Amazon. Free downloadable chapter available on our website: www.mountain-associates.co.uk

If you resonate with this blog and are ready to overcome workplace challenges and create a breakthrough in your work environment, I would love to support you. Contact me now for your complimentary Workplace Breakthrough coaching session: +44 (0) 1455 824475; or email us: ta@mountain-associates.co.uk   Talk to you soon.

Key Leadership Functions

A recent article by J. Moore in The Independent was entitled “Why MBAs will have to adapt to survive” (June 23, 2011). In that article Moore quoted Guerra who apparently advised you young people to plan to have multiple careers, expect to be made redundant, and brace themselves for personal and economic crises. This is hardly an inspiring message to those coming into the world of work. We also need to consider what impact this type of world has, and will have, on employers, not just employees? What will they need to do to support their workforce?

One of a leader’s key functions is to enable the development of sense of belonging, without which there will be little trust and more energy will be expended on defensiveness and conflict, which in turn will effect productivity. To develop belonging leaders will need to ensure that they know how to get their message across, communicating clearly and in a way that is accepting of those they work with. Leaders will need to develop strategies that are in line with the organization’s purpose and identity and at the same time take account of the individual.

However, developing a sense of belonging may be difficult when the frame of reference may well be “What’s the point, I may be out of here pretty soon”. Those people who come from this position may well end up lacking connection and therefore trust. Instead we need to find ways to make connection with, and between individuals, and to offer positive recognition for being and doing. We need to start from strengths and be prepared to encourage the workforce to develop and hone their skills so that they are valued within the market place. In addition to all this we will need to develop resiliency and find ways to reinvent ourselves, and we can only do this if we value and like ourselves. If not, when difficulties arise it will be all too easy to get into blaming self and/or others and from here the shift to a positive frame of reference is harder to achieve.

One way to stay positive is to find out what you want, not just at the conscious level, but at the unconscious level. What are you allowed to have, what do you really want, do these two conflict? What do you believe about yourself and others? Is this positive? Does this way of thinking help you? Does it get you what you need, including real and valued relationships? There are many other questions that could go here but this blog is not the place. If you would like to explore your fundamental goals and find ways to develop and maintain your resilience then do get in contact.

Our book Working Together: Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance, is now published by Gower and receiving positive responses. For a sample chapter go to: www.mountain-associates.co.uk. For coaching and in-house training contact ta@mountain-associates.co.uk or call us now on 01455 824475.