We recently visited Armenia where we undertook voluntary training programmes as well as supervision. We had a pretty full programme this time and this included enjoying ourselves in our time off. What we were struck by is the generosity that pervades the culture, despite the economic hardship of many of the people. It is interesting that, very often when people have less economically, they seem to have more in generosity. On one occasion a village woman took an hour to take us to a local site that our hosts were looking for. She and her grandson walked and talked with our hosts whilst we went into the valley to find the place. She was full of grace and generosity despite her apparent lack of financial wealth. We then returned to Yerevan with its aggressive drivers and pollution but holding the calm and ease of our trip and being aware of the need for balance.
I will use another experience from Armenia to explain our behavioural modes model as I was talking with a participant on our Organisational Training Programme about this model and how the Accounting Mode works (For a description of the model see the following page on our web site:
http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/behavmode1.html )
The participant queried whether the Accounting mode is “empty” or whether it always has some aspect of the others within it i.e. Structuring, Nurturing, Playful and Co-operative. So by way of explanation let’s take a situation where there is a heated argument ensuing between colleagues. We might be observing this and considering whether we should intervene. We give consideration to our own role and relationship vis a vis those involved as well as our motivation and any likely outcomes of different interventions. Having done this we then take action, whether that be to walk away and leave them to it or to intervene. At the action stage we are likely to use the resources of our Structuring, Nurturing, Co-operative or Playful aspects of our Accounting Mode. (Hopefully we do not move into one of the “red zones” and intervene from there which will only “fuel the fire”). Naturally, some situations may take a little while to think through whilst others will take a few seconds. This is a natural process which most of us do outside of our awareness as we have integrated the way of doing this.
My partner and I wish to acknowledge and thank those who trained with us in Armenia and who were willing to share themselves and their lives with us for those few weeks.
Whether or not you celebrate Christmas, we wish you all a very relaxing festive season and hope that the generosity of spirit that we received from the woman in the Armenian village comes your way, and goes from you to others.
If you don’t know this model, then do take a look at our web site on the following page and you will see the concept under discussion:
http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/behavmode1.html
Contact us for professional and personal development through coaching, training and consultancy.
Wednesday 16 December 2009
Wednesday 18 November 2009
Protection and Potency
Whether we work as a coach, consultant or as a team member there are sometimes challenges within the relationships we have. How do we respond when it appears that someone has “lost it”, or is so aggressive that it appears that they could move to violence? These are times when additional support is important because keeping this fear to ourselves is very demanding and unsafe.
The occasions when such situations occur are rare, but when they do happen it is helpful to know what to do.
Firstly, I work contractually and when, appropriate, make a confidentiality contract when I also let the person, or people, know when I will break that confidentiality. I would do this if the client does not agree to keep themselves or another person safe. Usually I would not know about any potential dangers until we have established a relationship and the client trusts me with this information. Before rushing off to break the contract of confidentiality we would need to explore their thoughts and feelings about the situation.
After voicing their thoughts about harm to self and/or others, and exploring the issues they are often willing to agree with themselves, with you acting as a witness, that they will not harm themselves or anyone else, accidentally or on purpose. When asking someone to do this they need to agree this whilst having eye contact with us and saying the words, not just agreeing with us in an over-adaptive way. This agreement could be a short term agreement perhaps until they see us next time (giving a specific date is unhelpful as you, or they, may be ill and not be able to attend). The eventual aim is for the client to agree to permanently take responsibility and keep themselves and others safe.
In this situation the coach, manager, or colleague is being potent and protective to the client/colleague and to anyone else who might be in danger, or impacted by the client’s actions. This also offers our client an option that is about taking responsibility rather than moving away from responsibility. Even a time-limited agreement offers the client social control and instead of using their energy on the damaging ideation they can instead use it for health and to consider other options.
It may also be appropriate and important for the client to make an appointment to see a psychotherapist within an agreed time frame. Coaches and managers do not have a contract for psychotherapy and, even though I am also a psychotherapist I will refer on when I believe the client would benefit from this type of intervention as I do not have a contract for therapy when I am coaching. This does not mean that coaching is not therapeutic but that contract is different.
Perhaps some of you are saying that the situation where people want to harm themselves or others would never happen in the workplace. However, it does happen. People can go “crazy” at work as well as at home; they can threaten or be violent at work as well as at home and occasionally are. If we come across distressed people, or if we are distressed and want a way out that is not about taking responsibility, then we need to do something about it. Suffering may seem inevitable for some rather than optional but, generally, it is optional and once we develop other resources we don’t need to resort to violence or self-harm.
Here’s to happy, potent, responsible days for us all!
If you would like any more information about coaching or supervision of coaches then get in touch with us at: http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk
The occasions when such situations occur are rare, but when they do happen it is helpful to know what to do.
Firstly, I work contractually and when, appropriate, make a confidentiality contract when I also let the person, or people, know when I will break that confidentiality. I would do this if the client does not agree to keep themselves or another person safe. Usually I would not know about any potential dangers until we have established a relationship and the client trusts me with this information. Before rushing off to break the contract of confidentiality we would need to explore their thoughts and feelings about the situation.
After voicing their thoughts about harm to self and/or others, and exploring the issues they are often willing to agree with themselves, with you acting as a witness, that they will not harm themselves or anyone else, accidentally or on purpose. When asking someone to do this they need to agree this whilst having eye contact with us and saying the words, not just agreeing with us in an over-adaptive way. This agreement could be a short term agreement perhaps until they see us next time (giving a specific date is unhelpful as you, or they, may be ill and not be able to attend). The eventual aim is for the client to agree to permanently take responsibility and keep themselves and others safe.
In this situation the coach, manager, or colleague is being potent and protective to the client/colleague and to anyone else who might be in danger, or impacted by the client’s actions. This also offers our client an option that is about taking responsibility rather than moving away from responsibility. Even a time-limited agreement offers the client social control and instead of using their energy on the damaging ideation they can instead use it for health and to consider other options.
It may also be appropriate and important for the client to make an appointment to see a psychotherapist within an agreed time frame. Coaches and managers do not have a contract for psychotherapy and, even though I am also a psychotherapist I will refer on when I believe the client would benefit from this type of intervention as I do not have a contract for therapy when I am coaching. This does not mean that coaching is not therapeutic but that contract is different.
Perhaps some of you are saying that the situation where people want to harm themselves or others would never happen in the workplace. However, it does happen. People can go “crazy” at work as well as at home; they can threaten or be violent at work as well as at home and occasionally are. If we come across distressed people, or if we are distressed and want a way out that is not about taking responsibility, then we need to do something about it. Suffering may seem inevitable for some rather than optional but, generally, it is optional and once we develop other resources we don’t need to resort to violence or self-harm.
Here’s to happy, potent, responsible days for us all!
If you would like any more information about coaching or supervision of coaches then get in touch with us at: http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Monday 21 September 2009
Dealing With The Process
We all feel stuck at some time or other and yet want to get on with the task in hand. We persist in the same behaviours in an attempt to get the other person or people to undertake the action they have promised, or find ways to meet the other person and develop an understanding between us, all of this in pursuance of the task. However, we get nowhere. When this happens one option is to deal with the process rather than the task. In other words we need to address what is going on between us rather than just repeating ourselves.
Let’s take the example of a promise. Jack promises Andrea that he will return the camera he borrowed from her. They had previously agreed that he could borrow it for his sister’s wedding but would return it on 20 August, two weeks after borrowing it. As the time approaches Andrea calls Jack to arrange to go for a coffee when Jack can return the camera. Jack agrees to the arrangement, but on the day phones and says that he can’t make it but will return the camera in the week. The week passes and Jack does not turn up and so Andrea does not have the return of her camera. Again Andrea calls Jack, again more promises and more breaks of those promises.
Eventually, Andrea calls Jack and expresses how she is feeling about the situation. She believes that she is now in a game (see www.mountain-associates.co.uk/games.html) with Jack and decides to deal with the process of what has been going on between them, rather than to persist with familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome – in this instance, Jack not returning the camera. Andrea informs Jack that she is now wary of trusting Jack and this situation is damaging their friendship. She has really valued him as a friend and would like him to return the camera now and discuss with her what has been going on. If he has lost it she would prefer him to say so and to buy her another one, than to continue in this way. That way she feels she is more likely to be able to maintain a relationship with him.
For his part, Jack experiences being confronted with his process by Andrea and whilst uncomfortable is able to see what she is saying to him. He informs Andrea that the shutter on the camera broke whilst he was using it. He felt bad about it, even though he did nothing to damage it, and has put it in for repair. They have a “heart to heart” conversation about this and Andrea feels closer to Jack and he brings round the camera two weeks later.
Okay, so not all situations turn out this well but even so dealing with the process will be of assistance. Therefore, the next time you experience going round and round, taking the same old actions I suggest dealing with the process instead. Of course this will all need to be undertaken in Accounting mode.
(http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/ego_states4.html )
So, the motto needs to be “When the process gets in the way of the task, deal with the process”.
Mountain Associates are highly trained and skilled Transactional Analysts. If you want professional assistance with coaching, supervision of coaching, in-house training we have many years of training in Transactional Analysis which is a social psychology.
Let’s take the example of a promise. Jack promises Andrea that he will return the camera he borrowed from her. They had previously agreed that he could borrow it for his sister’s wedding but would return it on 20 August, two weeks after borrowing it. As the time approaches Andrea calls Jack to arrange to go for a coffee when Jack can return the camera. Jack agrees to the arrangement, but on the day phones and says that he can’t make it but will return the camera in the week. The week passes and Jack does not turn up and so Andrea does not have the return of her camera. Again Andrea calls Jack, again more promises and more breaks of those promises.
Eventually, Andrea calls Jack and expresses how she is feeling about the situation. She believes that she is now in a game (see www.mountain-associates.co.uk/games.html) with Jack and decides to deal with the process of what has been going on between them, rather than to persist with familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome – in this instance, Jack not returning the camera. Andrea informs Jack that she is now wary of trusting Jack and this situation is damaging their friendship. She has really valued him as a friend and would like him to return the camera now and discuss with her what has been going on. If he has lost it she would prefer him to say so and to buy her another one, than to continue in this way. That way she feels she is more likely to be able to maintain a relationship with him.
For his part, Jack experiences being confronted with his process by Andrea and whilst uncomfortable is able to see what she is saying to him. He informs Andrea that the shutter on the camera broke whilst he was using it. He felt bad about it, even though he did nothing to damage it, and has put it in for repair. They have a “heart to heart” conversation about this and Andrea feels closer to Jack and he brings round the camera two weeks later.
Okay, so not all situations turn out this well but even so dealing with the process will be of assistance. Therefore, the next time you experience going round and round, taking the same old actions I suggest dealing with the process instead. Of course this will all need to be undertaken in Accounting mode.
(http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/ego_states4.html )
So, the motto needs to be “When the process gets in the way of the task, deal with the process”.
Mountain Associates are highly trained and skilled Transactional Analysts. If you want professional assistance with coaching, supervision of coaching, in-house training we have many years of training in Transactional Analysis which is a social psychology.
Thursday 27 August 2009
Changing Limiting Beliefs
When times are difficult and we are concerned about how to get by we may have a tendency to think negatively. We might continually think about the past in terms of “If only I had not done or done …………..”, or the future in terms of “What if………….” Such thoughts can keep us awake at night and eventually we might become snappy and irritable.
What we need to do instead is stay in the here-and-now and think positive, rather than negative, thoughts. When we notice that we are negatively focussing on a concern we have a range of options (some of which I have discussed in previous blogs and so won’t repeat). Whenever we become aware that we are “worrying” rather than doing something about a difficulty we need to replace the worrying thoughts with the opposite positive thought. Alternatively, we can replace the negative thoughts with any positive thought.
Once we have chosen which option we will take then it is possible to repeat this thought over and over. For example, we are concerned that we cannot get through all the work we have to do and feel overwhelmed, at night in particular, we might be anxious and go over and over what we have to do but with no resolution. Instead we could say to ourselves “I am having an easy day and I know how to do a good job and think through how to manage my workload”. The action statement is important in this, as is saying the phrase in the present tense.
What we’re doing in this process is to re-direct our subconscious onto a different path. When we do this we can release energy from the fight/flight/freeze response so that we can think. In this way our subconscious and higher self can be creative and come up with solutions – including perhaps telling the boss we’re on overload and would value a management discussion on how to deal with the workload; delegating some work to someone else; make the case for an assistant; and finding another job within a more supportive organizational culture. The creation of all these options and probably many more can emerge once we are in the here-and-now i.e. in Accounting Mode in Transactional Analysis terms.
We often limit ourselves by obsessive and negative thoughts which drain our energy. These are usually underpinned by some negative beliefs about self, others and the world, and by addressing the negative belief and updating ourselves we can remain in the present moment. For example, if we are in debt and are worried about how to manage, it may be that underneath we have a belief that “people like us” are not successful, or that “I don’t deserve to be successful” or “I’m too thick to make money and be happy”. All of these thoughts will drain our energy and prevent us from being creative and thinking about positive ways to get out of debt.
Even if we believe we don’t have answers about to how to move forward, when we make the space, options will emerge. Trust the process. Besides which, when we worry we won’t find the answer because we are too exhausted.
So, Lift Your Limits ©, with the daily practice of replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, sifting out those old, outdated beliefs about attaining goals etc., and giving yourself the space so that your subconscious and conscious mind can be creative about solutions.
N.B. Lifting Your Limits is the title of a development programme facilitated by Mountain Associates. For further information contact us ta@mountain-associates.co.uk or +44 (O)1455 824475
Please let us know your thoughts about the blogs. We value your ideas and responses. Click on the link below to send us your response.
What we need to do instead is stay in the here-and-now and think positive, rather than negative, thoughts. When we notice that we are negatively focussing on a concern we have a range of options (some of which I have discussed in previous blogs and so won’t repeat). Whenever we become aware that we are “worrying” rather than doing something about a difficulty we need to replace the worrying thoughts with the opposite positive thought. Alternatively, we can replace the negative thoughts with any positive thought.
Once we have chosen which option we will take then it is possible to repeat this thought over and over. For example, we are concerned that we cannot get through all the work we have to do and feel overwhelmed, at night in particular, we might be anxious and go over and over what we have to do but with no resolution. Instead we could say to ourselves “I am having an easy day and I know how to do a good job and think through how to manage my workload”. The action statement is important in this, as is saying the phrase in the present tense.
What we’re doing in this process is to re-direct our subconscious onto a different path. When we do this we can release energy from the fight/flight/freeze response so that we can think. In this way our subconscious and higher self can be creative and come up with solutions – including perhaps telling the boss we’re on overload and would value a management discussion on how to deal with the workload; delegating some work to someone else; make the case for an assistant; and finding another job within a more supportive organizational culture. The creation of all these options and probably many more can emerge once we are in the here-and-now i.e. in Accounting Mode in Transactional Analysis terms.
We often limit ourselves by obsessive and negative thoughts which drain our energy. These are usually underpinned by some negative beliefs about self, others and the world, and by addressing the negative belief and updating ourselves we can remain in the present moment. For example, if we are in debt and are worried about how to manage, it may be that underneath we have a belief that “people like us” are not successful, or that “I don’t deserve to be successful” or “I’m too thick to make money and be happy”. All of these thoughts will drain our energy and prevent us from being creative and thinking about positive ways to get out of debt.
Even if we believe we don’t have answers about to how to move forward, when we make the space, options will emerge. Trust the process. Besides which, when we worry we won’t find the answer because we are too exhausted.
So, Lift Your Limits ©, with the daily practice of replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, sifting out those old, outdated beliefs about attaining goals etc., and giving yourself the space so that your subconscious and conscious mind can be creative about solutions.
N.B. Lifting Your Limits is the title of a development programme facilitated by Mountain Associates. For further information contact us ta@mountain-associates.co.uk or +44 (O)1455 824475
Please let us know your thoughts about the blogs. We value your ideas and responses. Click on the link below to send us your response.
Wednesday 22 July 2009
Who’s Really There?
Communication difficulties often start because we see who we think is there but don’t actually take the time to find out who we are really relating with (or not!).
Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, said that “In order to say Hello, you first get rid of all the trash which has accumulated in your head ever since you came home from the maternity ward, and then you recognise that this particular Hello will never happen again” (What Do You Say After You Say Hello, 1984). The “trash” consists of all the messages we have received, all the experiences we have had and how we have translated and made sense of them, in order to get by in the world as we see it.
In order to get by we have developed a frame of reference, a way of seeing the world that, in the long run, may or may not be helpful. In so doing we can believe that all people who are like this, or like that, are the same or similar. These projections and assumptions are quick to make and mean that we can maintain our frame of reference. This means that we don’t have to find out who, and how, people really are.
In the work place management and leadership have to make many decisions and, if we need to make a joint decision, many of us try to convert other people to our way of thinking. Conflict ensues and there is a tendency to polarise. We have very little understanding about why someone may think they way they do and we may write them off by saying “They would say that” etc. How different it would be if we put down our assumptions and prejudices and found out how the other person or people got to that decision, rather than trying to convert them to our way. After all is someone has been raised in Thailand, another in Poland, another from an Asian British culture it is to be expected that we will all have a different perspective and a way of doing something. We need to find out about each other first so that we can understand different perspectives and find the merits of these before promoting just our own view. This way we can move to a co-creative process taking the benefits of each and probably come out with a better solution.
When we don’t know someone, or don’t understand them, it is easy to write them off. How do we feel when we are dismissed and “written off”? I know I don’t like it and therefore aim not to do this to others. After all, maintaining all the “trash” we have accumulated since the maternity ward is actually a loss to us all, the organisation included and is a much bigger risk than dumping the “trash”. To do this I need to be aware of my own prejudices and assumptions about men, women, culture, ability, gender and be prepared to be known and to know others.
I have heard some say “We don’t have time to get to know and understand where others are coming from”. Well, actually, we don’t have time not to as so much time is wasted by conflict, or just plain resentment and passivity. As we do take the time to get to know with whom we are working and understand how come they got to that conclusion the process will become easier and the decision making quicker. In addition the outcomes are likely to be more creative and dynamic with an increase in respect for each other.
Mountain Associates facilitate open-workshops on a range of subject areas based on the application of Transactional Analysis. Do get in touch if you are interested in courses, coaching or supervision of coaches. We look forward to hearing from you.
Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, said that “In order to say Hello, you first get rid of all the trash which has accumulated in your head ever since you came home from the maternity ward, and then you recognise that this particular Hello will never happen again” (What Do You Say After You Say Hello, 1984). The “trash” consists of all the messages we have received, all the experiences we have had and how we have translated and made sense of them, in order to get by in the world as we see it.
In order to get by we have developed a frame of reference, a way of seeing the world that, in the long run, may or may not be helpful. In so doing we can believe that all people who are like this, or like that, are the same or similar. These projections and assumptions are quick to make and mean that we can maintain our frame of reference. This means that we don’t have to find out who, and how, people really are.
In the work place management and leadership have to make many decisions and, if we need to make a joint decision, many of us try to convert other people to our way of thinking. Conflict ensues and there is a tendency to polarise. We have very little understanding about why someone may think they way they do and we may write them off by saying “They would say that” etc. How different it would be if we put down our assumptions and prejudices and found out how the other person or people got to that decision, rather than trying to convert them to our way. After all is someone has been raised in Thailand, another in Poland, another from an Asian British culture it is to be expected that we will all have a different perspective and a way of doing something. We need to find out about each other first so that we can understand different perspectives and find the merits of these before promoting just our own view. This way we can move to a co-creative process taking the benefits of each and probably come out with a better solution.
When we don’t know someone, or don’t understand them, it is easy to write them off. How do we feel when we are dismissed and “written off”? I know I don’t like it and therefore aim not to do this to others. After all, maintaining all the “trash” we have accumulated since the maternity ward is actually a loss to us all, the organisation included and is a much bigger risk than dumping the “trash”. To do this I need to be aware of my own prejudices and assumptions about men, women, culture, ability, gender and be prepared to be known and to know others.
I have heard some say “We don’t have time to get to know and understand where others are coming from”. Well, actually, we don’t have time not to as so much time is wasted by conflict, or just plain resentment and passivity. As we do take the time to get to know with whom we are working and understand how come they got to that conclusion the process will become easier and the decision making quicker. In addition the outcomes are likely to be more creative and dynamic with an increase in respect for each other.
Mountain Associates facilitate open-workshops on a range of subject areas based on the application of Transactional Analysis. Do get in touch if you are interested in courses, coaching or supervision of coaches. We look forward to hearing from you.
Monday 22 June 2009
What Is Good Practice?
Good practice is based on beliefs, values and opinions, from which ethical behaviour stems. The dictionary definition of ethics is: philosophical study of the moral value of human conduct and of the rules and principles that ought to govern it. (The New Collins Concise English Dictionary).
Given the current issues surrounding MP's expenses in the UK, now is a very good time for those of us working in organisations to consider our own ethics.
There are few references to ethical behaviour in the management and organisational literature. Many refer to the values an organisation may hold, but not how these translate into action. This may be partly due to the fact that consultants and those working in organisations come from a variety of educational and professional backgrounds where these may not have been considered.
For example, if an organisation uses as its mission statement "We value people", how will that organisation find ways of demonstrating this? What are the implications for that organisation when this is not demonstrated?
The belief system is an important part of TA. There are many people who know the theoretical TA concepts but do not put the underpinning philosophy into practice, thereby making their actions and theoretical knowledge incongruent.
Beliefs are often unconscious patterned thinking processes and may, therefore, be hard to identify. The need to make meaning, find causes or maintain our identity, guides our beliefs, which by their nature, are not necessarily related to facts, even though we may act as though they are.
Our beliefs will effect how we behave, and our beliefs are part of our identity. Changing either our beliefs, or how we view ourselves will effect our actions. This will include who we work with and how we work with them.
There are some values that are deeply rooted and global and some that are dependent on circumstances. Organisations which have alignment of shared values increase employee commitment, confidence and achievement.
Codes of Ethics
The European Association of Transactional Analysis (EATA) and the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA) have Codes of Ethics to which all members of those organisations agree to adhere to. This offers clients a measure of protection.
The ethical considerations for those working in organisations can be ambiguous and as such are not always sufficiently addressed by either the national or international bodies. Those of us using TA in organisations need to develop our Adult awareness about our own ethical principles.
Awareness of three cornered contracting (English, 1975) is necessary as consultants have contracts with the commissioning agent as well as course participants. It is these relationships which can create the ambiguity. A one to one contract is not usually the case for an organisational consultant which means that these relationships can be complex and sometimes confusing, which has implications for boundary setting. It is therefore "........vitally important that the consultant have clear, conscious, and consistent ethical standards" (Garfield 1993).
References:
Dilts R., Hallbom T, & Smith S. (1990) Beliefs. Pathways to Health and Well-being.
English F. (1975) Three-Cornered Contract TAJ 5:4
Garfield V. (1993) Ethical Principles for Work in Organisations TAJ 23:2
van Hauen F. Kastberg B, Soden A (1999) Dare to Kiss the Frog
We are interested in hearing your comments on our blogs. Do respond using the link on this page
Mountain Associates train others both nationally and internationally as well as facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis including Developmental/Organisational TA. Please contact us for further details: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Given the current issues surrounding MP's expenses in the UK, now is a very good time for those of us working in organisations to consider our own ethics.
There are few references to ethical behaviour in the management and organisational literature. Many refer to the values an organisation may hold, but not how these translate into action. This may be partly due to the fact that consultants and those working in organisations come from a variety of educational and professional backgrounds where these may not have been considered.
For example, if an organisation uses as its mission statement "We value people", how will that organisation find ways of demonstrating this? What are the implications for that organisation when this is not demonstrated?
The belief system is an important part of TA. There are many people who know the theoretical TA concepts but do not put the underpinning philosophy into practice, thereby making their actions and theoretical knowledge incongruent.
Beliefs are often unconscious patterned thinking processes and may, therefore, be hard to identify. The need to make meaning, find causes or maintain our identity, guides our beliefs, which by their nature, are not necessarily related to facts, even though we may act as though they are.
Our beliefs will effect how we behave, and our beliefs are part of our identity. Changing either our beliefs, or how we view ourselves will effect our actions. This will include who we work with and how we work with them.
There are some values that are deeply rooted and global and some that are dependent on circumstances. Organisations which have alignment of shared values increase employee commitment, confidence and achievement.
Codes of Ethics
The European Association of Transactional Analysis (EATA) and the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA) have Codes of Ethics to which all members of those organisations agree to adhere to. This offers clients a measure of protection.
The ethical considerations for those working in organisations can be ambiguous and as such are not always sufficiently addressed by either the national or international bodies. Those of us using TA in organisations need to develop our Adult awareness about our own ethical principles.
Awareness of three cornered contracting (English, 1975) is necessary as consultants have contracts with the commissioning agent as well as course participants. It is these relationships which can create the ambiguity. A one to one contract is not usually the case for an organisational consultant which means that these relationships can be complex and sometimes confusing, which has implications for boundary setting. It is therefore "........vitally important that the consultant have clear, conscious, and consistent ethical standards" (Garfield 1993).
References:
Dilts R., Hallbom T, & Smith S. (1990) Beliefs. Pathways to Health and Well-being.
English F. (1975) Three-Cornered Contract TAJ 5:4
Garfield V. (1993) Ethical Principles for Work in Organisations TAJ 23:2
van Hauen F. Kastberg B, Soden A (1999) Dare to Kiss the Frog
We are interested in hearing your comments on our blogs. Do respond using the link on this page
Mountain Associates train others both nationally and internationally as well as facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis including Developmental/Organisational TA. Please contact us for further details: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Thursday 21 May 2009
Power and Control
If you are the sort of person who becomes irritated and snappy easily, or you know someone who does, this often appears from the outside to be coming from an I’m OK and You’re not OK position. However, let’s look a bit deeper.
You may be someone who believes that they have to take care of others and be the one who makes things right. If this is the case then it maybe that your feelings of resentment and lack of time for fun are displaced and you become more and more controlling as a way of keeping everything in place – or so it seems. In the end one situation reinforces the next and before you know it you may believe that if you weren’t in control of things everything would fall apart – work, home, friendships etc. This, in itself creates its own tensions.
Very often people who are controlling find other people who believe they need to be looked after and so a co-dependent relationship is established. However, inside the person who appears to be in the control seat may actually be scared. The more scared they are the more controlling they may become and their scared feelings never get addressed. The basic existential life position may be I’m not OK and You’re not OK either.
If you are aware that you do this, or that you are fairly obsessive, then it is time to take stock. Let go a bit, see that others can also share power and control and things can be okay. If you are still fearful then do go and see a coach or psychotherapist who will have the skills to support you to change and grow so that you make the most of life and enjoy it.
Of course, not everyone who is controlling has the fundamental life position of I’m not OK and You’re not OK, so establishing which life position you, or the person who is controlling, is largely coming from will be helpful as the interventions will be different for different people. Therefore uncovering the basic beliefs about self, others and life, is an important step in awareness and then change. However, it is important to know where you are going and why you want to get there as this offers motivation and hope. This in itself provides the momentum to move toward rather than just moving away from something.
So, ask yourself whether you are over controlling, or if you are at times and what these times may be about. Then consider which life position you may be coming from (see the notes on the Transactional Analysis concept of OKayness on our web site: http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/life_positions.html ). Having done this know that this is not a fact but a belief about self and others and that you can change this so that your relationships improve and life is easier. Suffering is optional so you can make the changes you need to make and get the help you need to do so if this is scary for you. If you are reluctant to make the changes so that you are largely in the life position of I’m OK and You’re OK, then consider why you might be resistant. This resistance is telling you something that you may need to deal with first so that you feel safe to make the changes you want to make.
So, the next time you may be snappy with a work colleague, or at home with the family or friends, then ask yourself what it is about and find out if there is anything beneath this irritability that needs dealing with.
Have a safe journey!
Why not start a discussion about this or our other blogs. We would like to hear from you.
If you would like to experience coaching, training or consultancy with Mountain Associates then give us a call or get in touch with us through our web site.
You may be someone who believes that they have to take care of others and be the one who makes things right. If this is the case then it maybe that your feelings of resentment and lack of time for fun are displaced and you become more and more controlling as a way of keeping everything in place – or so it seems. In the end one situation reinforces the next and before you know it you may believe that if you weren’t in control of things everything would fall apart – work, home, friendships etc. This, in itself creates its own tensions.
Very often people who are controlling find other people who believe they need to be looked after and so a co-dependent relationship is established. However, inside the person who appears to be in the control seat may actually be scared. The more scared they are the more controlling they may become and their scared feelings never get addressed. The basic existential life position may be I’m not OK and You’re not OK either.
If you are aware that you do this, or that you are fairly obsessive, then it is time to take stock. Let go a bit, see that others can also share power and control and things can be okay. If you are still fearful then do go and see a coach or psychotherapist who will have the skills to support you to change and grow so that you make the most of life and enjoy it.
Of course, not everyone who is controlling has the fundamental life position of I’m not OK and You’re not OK, so establishing which life position you, or the person who is controlling, is largely coming from will be helpful as the interventions will be different for different people. Therefore uncovering the basic beliefs about self, others and life, is an important step in awareness and then change. However, it is important to know where you are going and why you want to get there as this offers motivation and hope. This in itself provides the momentum to move toward rather than just moving away from something.
So, ask yourself whether you are over controlling, or if you are at times and what these times may be about. Then consider which life position you may be coming from (see the notes on the Transactional Analysis concept of OKayness on our web site: http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/life_positions.html ). Having done this know that this is not a fact but a belief about self and others and that you can change this so that your relationships improve and life is easier. Suffering is optional so you can make the changes you need to make and get the help you need to do so if this is scary for you. If you are reluctant to make the changes so that you are largely in the life position of I’m OK and You’re OK, then consider why you might be resistant. This resistance is telling you something that you may need to deal with first so that you feel safe to make the changes you want to make.
So, the next time you may be snappy with a work colleague, or at home with the family or friends, then ask yourself what it is about and find out if there is anything beneath this irritability that needs dealing with.
Have a safe journey!
Why not start a discussion about this or our other blogs. We would like to hear from you.
If you would like to experience coaching, training or consultancy with Mountain Associates then give us a call or get in touch with us through our web site.
Thursday 16 April 2009
I Take Care of You So That You Take Care Of Me
Here is another blog which has some links with last months.
Are you the sort of person who likes to look after others? Do you like to pre-empt other’s needs and take care of them? Do you feel alone or abandoned when not looking after others? If so, then you might end up feeling fearful and, in addition, a victim of others who take advantage of you. This is probably not your intention, but it is likely to be an outcome. When we continuously put others before ourselves this may cover the belief that we are only OK as long as we are looking after others, whilst in return we expect them to be nice to us and look after us in some way.
How many times at work have you said “yes” to taking on another task when you know that doing so will mean that you feel overwhelmed and have to work extra hours? You might rationalise this by saying to yourself “At least this means they value me”, or “At least I don’t have the think about being alone at home as I will need to work late”. Thus these “yes’s” enable us to avoid developing a friendship network, or ensuring our home life is satisfying.
If we have developed this particular way of being we need to tell ourselves that we are important – and sometimes more important, than other people. As a way to remember this let’s take the analogy of aircrew on any flight anywhere in the world. The first thing the aircrew do is tell us how to put on our life jackets and to put these on first, before helping the elderly, frail or young with theirs. The rationale for this is that we need to be prepared for any emergency so that we are available to support others. In everyday life our “life-jacket” is the nurture and care we need to give ourselves. We need to like ourselves, be happy with our own company and have confidence in who we are. With this “life-jacket” we are able to set boundaries as well as give and receive support in a balanced way.
If we are saying “yes” as a way of avoiding dealing with something then we need to ask ourselves: “If things go on as they are how will I be?” and “If things get worse, how will I be?”, and then “Is this okay with me and if not what options do I have?”
We need to see how we feel about the answers to these questions and then decide what action to take. Thoughtful and caring action will enable us to deal with difficult situations. We may need to get support and talk to someone else, not to get the answers from them but as a sounding board. In this way we can get control of our own lives and take our own power to have more of the life we need and want.
Life is all about inter-dependence - not co-dependence, which is what we get when we take a passive rather than pro-active stance. So, do it today, get your life-jacket on and life will get richer.
For more information on Mountain Associates visit our main web pages:
www.mountain-associates.co.uk Let us know what you think about our blogs. Contact us for in-house training, coaching and consultancy, and to find out about our open workshops.
Are you the sort of person who likes to look after others? Do you like to pre-empt other’s needs and take care of them? Do you feel alone or abandoned when not looking after others? If so, then you might end up feeling fearful and, in addition, a victim of others who take advantage of you. This is probably not your intention, but it is likely to be an outcome. When we continuously put others before ourselves this may cover the belief that we are only OK as long as we are looking after others, whilst in return we expect them to be nice to us and look after us in some way.
How many times at work have you said “yes” to taking on another task when you know that doing so will mean that you feel overwhelmed and have to work extra hours? You might rationalise this by saying to yourself “At least this means they value me”, or “At least I don’t have the think about being alone at home as I will need to work late”. Thus these “yes’s” enable us to avoid developing a friendship network, or ensuring our home life is satisfying.
If we have developed this particular way of being we need to tell ourselves that we are important – and sometimes more important, than other people. As a way to remember this let’s take the analogy of aircrew on any flight anywhere in the world. The first thing the aircrew do is tell us how to put on our life jackets and to put these on first, before helping the elderly, frail or young with theirs. The rationale for this is that we need to be prepared for any emergency so that we are available to support others. In everyday life our “life-jacket” is the nurture and care we need to give ourselves. We need to like ourselves, be happy with our own company and have confidence in who we are. With this “life-jacket” we are able to set boundaries as well as give and receive support in a balanced way.
If we are saying “yes” as a way of avoiding dealing with something then we need to ask ourselves: “If things go on as they are how will I be?” and “If things get worse, how will I be?”, and then “Is this okay with me and if not what options do I have?”
We need to see how we feel about the answers to these questions and then decide what action to take. Thoughtful and caring action will enable us to deal with difficult situations. We may need to get support and talk to someone else, not to get the answers from them but as a sounding board. In this way we can get control of our own lives and take our own power to have more of the life we need and want.
Life is all about inter-dependence - not co-dependence, which is what we get when we take a passive rather than pro-active stance. So, do it today, get your life-jacket on and life will get richer.
For more information on Mountain Associates visit our main web pages:
www.mountain-associates.co.uk Let us know what you think about our blogs. Contact us for in-house training, coaching and consultancy, and to find out about our open workshops.
Monday 9 March 2009
Feeling Full
One of the things we get from satisfying relationships with others is a feeling of being “full”. When we make contact with another person and take the time to share we can feel a sense of satisfaction at the honour of hearing another person and on being heard.
However, when under stress these opportunities can become restricted and 2009 is probably one of these times. Due to the financial situation the “full” sense we can get from connectedness can be reduced as all around us there are people suffering from homelessness, threat of redundancy and stress-related ill-health. Therefore at home as well as in the work-place, it is still important to consider how we find ways to feel positively “full”. Some get this from using alcohol, but, as we never get enough of what we don’t need, the short term gain from this will be insufficient to cover the emptiness.
Ironically when stressed, many of us cut off rather than connect, and in so doing are likely to become more and more isolated. Also at these times we can start to project negativity and despair onto others and so things begin to spiral down. Instead of withdrawing we need to find ways to make connection. In this way we can feel nourished and supported even in times of difficulty.
Leaders particularly need to find ways to “fill-up”, rather than run on empty. There are many ways to do this including making opportunities to really meet with people and find ways to understand them. Then, even if we should disagree with them we can do so amicably and through hearing them, rather than attempting to brow-beat them with our opinions. In this way relationships can be developed and maintained. Active listening is a term used in counselling and is appropriate to the development of good relationships wherever, and with whom ever, we are.
Further, when things are getting difficult it is important to check in with ourselves and ask how we are feeling about the situation and then what we need when we feel like this. For example, we may feel angry and need a sounding board, or scared and need to develop some options to allay our fears. Taking account of our feelings is a good way to ensure that we don’t bury our head in the sand and do nothing as eventually this usually makes things worse.
Therefore, when stressed we need to take account of the situation, decide what we are feeling about it and what we need at such times. This will often include such activities as talking with someone, getting some space and objectivity by taking time to go for a walk etc. and then taking the appropriate action to move toward addressing the issue.
Go well.
Mountain Associates are available for coaching and supervision of coaches. We also provide organisational consultancy and in-house training as well as open workshops. Call us now for an informal discussion about how we might be of assistance.
However, when under stress these opportunities can become restricted and 2009 is probably one of these times. Due to the financial situation the “full” sense we can get from connectedness can be reduced as all around us there are people suffering from homelessness, threat of redundancy and stress-related ill-health. Therefore at home as well as in the work-place, it is still important to consider how we find ways to feel positively “full”. Some get this from using alcohol, but, as we never get enough of what we don’t need, the short term gain from this will be insufficient to cover the emptiness.
Ironically when stressed, many of us cut off rather than connect, and in so doing are likely to become more and more isolated. Also at these times we can start to project negativity and despair onto others and so things begin to spiral down. Instead of withdrawing we need to find ways to make connection. In this way we can feel nourished and supported even in times of difficulty.
Leaders particularly need to find ways to “fill-up”, rather than run on empty. There are many ways to do this including making opportunities to really meet with people and find ways to understand them. Then, even if we should disagree with them we can do so amicably and through hearing them, rather than attempting to brow-beat them with our opinions. In this way relationships can be developed and maintained. Active listening is a term used in counselling and is appropriate to the development of good relationships wherever, and with whom ever, we are.
Further, when things are getting difficult it is important to check in with ourselves and ask how we are feeling about the situation and then what we need when we feel like this. For example, we may feel angry and need a sounding board, or scared and need to develop some options to allay our fears. Taking account of our feelings is a good way to ensure that we don’t bury our head in the sand and do nothing as eventually this usually makes things worse.
Therefore, when stressed we need to take account of the situation, decide what we are feeling about it and what we need at such times. This will often include such activities as talking with someone, getting some space and objectivity by taking time to go for a walk etc. and then taking the appropriate action to move toward addressing the issue.
Go well.
Mountain Associates are available for coaching and supervision of coaches. We also provide organisational consultancy and in-house training as well as open workshops. Call us now for an informal discussion about how we might be of assistance.
Wednesday 11 February 2009
Is the problem you or me?
When communicating with others and something goes wrong, how do we know whether the problem is me or you? Well, actually the difficulty is with both people. For example, you might experience me as criticising you and become angry and therefore snap back at me. In so doing you become as much part of the difficulty as I am. Both of us need to pay attention to the way we are saying something as well as to what we are saying i.e. we need to consider process and content.
I might believe that what I said and how I said it was clear and from a here-and-now place. However, perhaps if I could replay it I might hear a certain tone in my voice that showed that I was implying something that was a put-down of you and this hooked your defensive/attacking behaviour. In which case I can acknowledge my part in the process and start again.
Alternatively, I might reflect on what I said, the tone etc. and decide that I said it in an okay way but I still received an attack. In this case I would still need to remain OK with myself and OK with you and ask for clarification about what it is I said that you feel angry/put down about etc. and stay in the here-and-now, without escalating the process. This also invites you to return to the here-and-now so that dialogue can continue.
Hopefully this example shows that just because you are reacting to me in a particular way this does not justify me making one or both of us not OK as this helps no one and dialogue breaks down, leaving bad feelings. Even if I experience being verbally attacked by you it does not mean I need to attack in return. I might need to put in boundaries and ensuring social control but I can do this from a here-and-now place, without escalating the process.
One way to enjoy the challenge of doing something differently is to give yourself marks out of 10 for changing your old negative patterns of behaviour. No one else needs to know about this of course. This way you always get good points, even if you noticed after the event for doing things the old way – at least you noticed so reward yourself with points for noticing. We all like to be recognised for doing well, rather than poorly and you can see how your points increase as you notice more and more, and sooner and sooner.
Enjoy!
Do keep in touch and let us have your thoughts. We facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis so return to the main web site and take a look at our programme or contact us for in-house training and coaching. www.mountain-associates.co.uk
I might believe that what I said and how I said it was clear and from a here-and-now place. However, perhaps if I could replay it I might hear a certain tone in my voice that showed that I was implying something that was a put-down of you and this hooked your defensive/attacking behaviour. In which case I can acknowledge my part in the process and start again.
Alternatively, I might reflect on what I said, the tone etc. and decide that I said it in an okay way but I still received an attack. In this case I would still need to remain OK with myself and OK with you and ask for clarification about what it is I said that you feel angry/put down about etc. and stay in the here-and-now, without escalating the process. This also invites you to return to the here-and-now so that dialogue can continue.
Hopefully this example shows that just because you are reacting to me in a particular way this does not justify me making one or both of us not OK as this helps no one and dialogue breaks down, leaving bad feelings. Even if I experience being verbally attacked by you it does not mean I need to attack in return. I might need to put in boundaries and ensuring social control but I can do this from a here-and-now place, without escalating the process.
One way to enjoy the challenge of doing something differently is to give yourself marks out of 10 for changing your old negative patterns of behaviour. No one else needs to know about this of course. This way you always get good points, even if you noticed after the event for doing things the old way – at least you noticed so reward yourself with points for noticing. We all like to be recognised for doing well, rather than poorly and you can see how your points increase as you notice more and more, and sooner and sooner.
Enjoy!
Do keep in touch and let us have your thoughts. We facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis so return to the main web site and take a look at our programme or contact us for in-house training and coaching. www.mountain-associates.co.uk
Thursday 22 January 2009
Flexibility and Willingness
How do we maintain our willingness to learn new things and update our knowledge and information when we are a leader?
The difficulty for leaders at all levels is to account our knowledge and perhaps, our lack of knowledge. This is particularly important when we are with others who we manage or supervise. Perhaps that person is sharing something with the team that challenges our frame of reference, or is sharing something we know nothing about. At these times it is important to be OK with ourselves and others even when we lack knowledge.
Those of us who are flexible and willing to learn will experience this as exciting and interesting whilst others of us may discount the new learning and try to maintain our old way of thinking about things. To do this might involve putting down and making not-OK the person, or people, who are delivering the updated information. By holding on to our own perceptions we can believe that we are holding on to our status as a leader as someone who knows. However, how much more permission-giving and exciting our world would be if we were willing to be flexible, maintain an open mind and consider the new. In this simple process there is a profound import. By showing that we are not above learning we give permission to others not to know and to still stay OK. We also show our strength as a leader as we will be seen as someone able and willing to update ourselves and still keep ourselves OK.
Happy learning!
We value hearing your comments so do respond by clicking on the comments link on this page.
For in-house consultancy, training and coaching, as well as to attend our open programmes, contact: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
The difficulty for leaders at all levels is to account our knowledge and perhaps, our lack of knowledge. This is particularly important when we are with others who we manage or supervise. Perhaps that person is sharing something with the team that challenges our frame of reference, or is sharing something we know nothing about. At these times it is important to be OK with ourselves and others even when we lack knowledge.
Those of us who are flexible and willing to learn will experience this as exciting and interesting whilst others of us may discount the new learning and try to maintain our old way of thinking about things. To do this might involve putting down and making not-OK the person, or people, who are delivering the updated information. By holding on to our own perceptions we can believe that we are holding on to our status as a leader as someone who knows. However, how much more permission-giving and exciting our world would be if we were willing to be flexible, maintain an open mind and consider the new. In this simple process there is a profound import. By showing that we are not above learning we give permission to others not to know and to still stay OK. We also show our strength as a leader as we will be seen as someone able and willing to update ourselves and still keep ourselves OK.
Happy learning!
We value hearing your comments so do respond by clicking on the comments link on this page.
For in-house consultancy, training and coaching, as well as to attend our open programmes, contact: www.mountain-associates.co.uk
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