How Come I'm Here Again?

The other day I was talking to a friend, Sally, who was telling me about a conversation she had with a potential mentor. During the meeting the supervisor asked Sally, a number of questions which were not relevant to the discussion and appeared to be more about their own curiosity. For example, “Have you approached X or Y to be a mentor?” This question was not relevant to their meeting and whilst it might have been disguised as “I’m only trying to help you” could have led to difficulties as Sally was then invited to discuss other possibilities and therefore other people, which in turn could have led to making other people not OK. As Sally is advanced in her field, and has lived in the area for some time, it is clear that she would know other mentors within her specialism. The only relevant issue in this particular situation was whether this proposed mentor and Sally could get on and would choose to work together

So what was going on? Who knows really? Without asking the proposed mentor that question we may never know. However, it could be that they needed strokes for who they were or what they did and one way to illicit this without asking directly, was to check out who else had Sally thought of approaching and why didn't they go with someone else. They might of course, also had a low opinion of themselves and wanted to check out if they were the only person who would consider taking this person on! However, ther rationale behind the questions is less relevant than what to do about it.

When someone asks you a question that you are not sure about and which does not appear to be relevant, you can respond with questions such as “What is your interest in this?”, or “How is this helpful for this discussion?” (said from the Accounting Mode of behaviour – see our website for further explanation of this model). If there is a clear here-and-now reason for the other person’s statements or questions then their answer will illuminate their thinking and you can proceed to answer or not, as is appropriate.

When we discount (ignore or deny) some aspect of reality we are, outside of our awareness, inviting others into a game. A game in Transactional Analysis terms is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome. This is that sort of process whereby we say things like: “Why does this always happen to me?”, or “I was only trying to help” etc.

We play games for a variety of reasons: to give us something to talk about; because we want strokes (recognition) for who we are and/or what we do; as a failed attempt at intimacy; to reinforce our frame of reference about ourselves, others and life. Unfortunately there is usually a negative pay-off at the end and we can be left asking "How come I'm here again?"

In order to avoid initiating or getting into game playing with others we first of all need to spot the discount in the opening statement and respond appropriately from Accounting Mode - see our website for an explanation of this model. If we are considering asking someone a question, or making a statement about ourselves or others, over which we may have a slight sense of unease, then we need to ask ourselves “for whom is this relevant?” Clarifying this question is a helpful part of any discussion. This is particularly important when coaching, counselling or mentoring someone.

This is only one aspect of game playing but we do need to pay attention to our own, or others opening statements and questions. For those who get into playing games quite frequently it is also important to consider how you might obtain your strokes if you are not involved in playing games.

Our next Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis is on 3-5 November, 2010. The Institute of Developmental TA has their next one-day conference on 30 October, see their website for further information www.instdta.org .

Is the problem you or me?

When communicating with others and something goes wrong, how do we know whether the problem is me or you? Well, actually the difficulty is with both people. For example, you might experience me as criticising you and become angry and therefore snap back at me. In so doing you become as much part of the difficulty as I am. Both of us need to pay attention to the way we are saying something as well as to what we are saying i.e. we need to consider process and content.

I might believe that what I said and how I said it was clear and from a here-and-now place. However, perhaps if I could replay it I might hear a certain tone in my voice that showed that I was implying something that was a put-down of you and this hooked your defensive/attacking behaviour. In which case I can acknowledge my part in the process and start again.

Alternatively, I might reflect on what I said, the tone etc. and decide that I said it in an okay way but I still received an attack. In this case I would still need to remain OK with myself and OK with you and ask for clarification about what it is I said that you feel angry/put down about etc. and stay in the here-and-now, without escalating the process. This also invites you to return to the here-and-now so that dialogue can continue.

Hopefully this example shows that just because you are reacting to me in a particular way this does not justify me making one or both of us not OK as this helps no one and dialogue breaks down, leaving bad feelings. Even if I experience being verbally attacked by you it does not mean I need to attack in return. I might need to put in boundaries and ensuring social control but I can do this from a here-and-now place, without escalating the process.

One way to enjoy the challenge of doing something differently is to give yourself marks out of 10 for changing your old negative patterns of behaviour. No one else needs to know about this of course. This way you always get good points, even if you noticed after the event for doing things the old way – at least you noticed so reward yourself with points for noticing. We all like to be recognised for doing well, rather than poorly and you can see how your points increase as you notice more and more, and sooner and sooner.

Enjoy!

Do keep in touch and let us have your thoughts. We facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis so return to the main web site and take a look at our programme or contact us for in-house training and coaching. www.mountain-associates.co.uk